Alcoholic husband, will someone walk this road with me?

[PeggyGuggenheim]

It's been an issue all through our ten years together. A bottle of wine to himself, every night, is the least he would have. More like 3 litres of cider a night, or getting bladdered at the pub three times a week.

Anyway, he finally admitted to his best friend that he was an alcoholic and I thought we were getting there...he managed about six weeks without a drink and it was like we were newlyweds. Just such a relief, so much relief and love, and he was a changed person. Then bit by bit, drink creeps back in, and being the idiot I am, I think he's going to be able to be a sensible drinker! Why????

Now we are back to square one and all I'm asking for help with is - on Monday nights an Al-Anon group meets in my town, I have been threatening/promising to go, for about two years! I need to bite the bullet and just GO on Monday night. Is anyone else needing their "hand held" to take this step?

Hi Peggy I spent nine years with an alcoholic from 21 to 30, we were also married. We all drank in college but then he continued. His addiction broke down my sense of self worth and I think it would have killed one of us if I hadn't walked. My leaving him was probably the best thing that ever happened to him, in that he gave up alcohol. He wanted me back but too much damage was done by then. You need to think about your options in regards to staying with a man who drinks heavily every night as it will wear you down and make you a ghost of yourself. AlAnon is good but personally, I found one to one counselling very beneficial. I think AlAnon has an approach of accepting and living with the situation which I don't think does anyone any good in the long term. I also have friends who are children of alcoholics and it has impacted hugely on their lives and relationships as well. Good luck it is a hard and frightening road but if you get outside help it can become more hopeful and clearer.

He has texted me to say he has been to an AA meeting. Wonders will never cease! (That's if it's true...) He has a lot of options for support including a longstanding friend who is 8 years sober with AA and very active in the organisation and Al Anon too. He can afford to book himself for private counselling, detox, whatever, and he has the time off work booked when he was meant to be going skiing. All he needs is the commitment.

halfcaff it's good that your bombshell is having this impact. he has quite a few emotional hurdles to face (alone) though, hasn't he? at the moment he's no doubt in panic mode focussing all his energies on what he thinks he needs to get back with you but after a while he's actually going to have to start facing his demons.

you're doing so well.

your poor son having to eat pasta out the pan while dad was drunk. lucky he has you as a mum.

i bet it's actually a bit of a relief to have a break to a certain extent. hope for your sake he doesn't come banging the door down.

Whoops I typed a message but forgot to post! (Sleepless night...) Thanks smashing. I am feeling quite anxious at the moment actually - I would love to get a text saying: 'OK I realise you need your space, I will pop over at the weekend to collect some things then leave you in peace while I work on my recovery...' then I will know he has an inkling of the damage his addiction has caused.

Jesus ,just wanted to say ur a star x
Waves to everyone it is a tough road ur walking but ur taking ur first steps and u will always find support here,u will find ur own way through it one step at a time x

Halfcaff - Stay strong, you are being really brave. Don't whatever you do cave in now. at DS having to eat pasta from the pan. If you feel yourself weakening just think about what could have happened and you will get stronger.
I see my ex now, usually he's drunk or hungover, and sometimes certain things will bring back memories and I am so glad I stuck to my guns and left him. He's heading for the gutter, but he's not dragging me or my dc down with him anymore.
And well done Jesus - its great to know it can be beaten.

Halfcaff - you're doing really well. The pasta story was very sad and reminds me of a few similar incidents in my own house concerning DH cooking for the DCs when drunk. It sounds like your DH is taking note if he has gone to an AA meeting. I guess there has to come a point when they finally realise we mean business. I have threatened all sorts to my DH but rarely carried it through. You are being brave.

Thanks. He is really pushing hard to come back, saying he will never drink again. He is going to his second AA meeting this p.m. and is going to come over tomorrow to collect some things. We might go to an open meeting together if we can find one. However I REALLY think he is still only thinking 'poor me' and does not have a clue how I am feeling. I have explained that what he wants now is what I have wanted for the last three years, and change doesn't happen overnight. He feels he has changed overnight, (I am sure he feels like a different person - a homeless unwanted one!)If he goes to loads of meetings, reads loads of material etc he might learn enough about the wider issues to see my point of view a bit more. Still very wary that he is still mainly in denial though.

Hi anjelika, yes I had made threats in the past but talking to him today it sounds as though none of them have ever sunk in. Probably I made most of them when he was actually drunk (or drunker than I thought at the time) and his denial has been so strong he managed to convince himself I had never given him any warnings. I can recommend putting your thoughts in writing, as it can be really hard to have any kind of conversation when you are with a drinker - by the time the dc are in bed, if he is home from work then so is he (or at least should be...)Mornings are not good either as he will be hungover and irritable, etc. If you write a letter it can be done in a matter of fact way, filtering out excessive emotional stuff (you may have tears rolling down your cheeks but you can still keep the letter quite straightforward). Set out your boundaries, what you want to happen in what timescale and the consequences if it doesn't happen. He can read it as many times as he wants, he can't claim 'You never said...' (You could keep a copy - I haven't actually). What I did was to write it that evening and give it to him the next morning - I had all night to reconsider if I thought I was being unreasonable, but in fact by morning was even more convinced I was doing the right thing.
Good luck x
I am a bit miffed that he is so shocked - you mean you actually thought I was going to put up with that forever? Anyway, progress seems to have been made...

halfcaff your posts are so full of clarity and insight. i'm sure this will be your turning point whatever your DH manages to achieve.

he really hasn't taken it on board if he thinks he's just changed overnight and fails to see there is a big journey ahead of him.

I think it's good that he's going to AA. But do bear in mind that that doesn't necessarily mean he's going to do anything about his drinking.

My ex went to her first AA meeting five years ago. Since then her drinking has cost frequent access to our children, half a dozen relationships, pretty much all her friends, countless jobs, her driving license, an unknown number of detoxes in hospital, a couple of months in rehab, and her health. She still veers between a few weeks/months of sobriety and a few weeks/months of being incoherently drunk.

Interestingly, my ex's sister went to AA for about six or seven years before she was reliably sober. On the other hand, I know of someone else who went to AA, had one relapse and has then been sober ever since. You never can tell.

But do be aware that AA's own figures have shown that the success rate for long-term sobriety is only about 5%.

Why the fuck do I bother? Just had a mini row with H, decided to try to talk to him abouthis drinking again. He is still totally denying there is a problem. He has gone off in a huff, (back to his wine) and will doubtless come up and wake me up by ranting about it in another30 minutes. So fed up of this shit..

Going to try to be asleep by time he comes back up, I just needed a quick rant. I am so unhappy. Will this ever change?

Fragglicious, yes things can change. But they won't if you keep doing the same things over and over again. The old saw about "the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing while expecting a different result" is worth considering.

How many times have you tried to have a conversation with your H about his drinking? How many times has that conversation gone well and that you left it feeling glad that you had raised the subject and confident that your opinions and concerns had been heard? I'm guessing "lots" and "never" respectively. That's how it was with me and my (then) DP, certainly. So why keep trying to have that conversation? Why keep banging your head against that particular wall?

His drinking problems are not something that you can fix by talking to him about it. No matter how you phrase it or what new way you try to approach the subject with, it isn't going to make the slightest difference to his drinking. All it will do is trigger an explosion from him and stress you out.

His drinking problems are his to own and his to deal with if he so chooses. You can't change that. What you can change is how you choose to deal with the fact that you cannot control him. You can choose to continue having these pointless, stressful conversations, or you can choose to leave his drinking to him.

Rather than using up all your emotional energy in thinking up new ways of broaching the subject of his drinking, maybe it would be worth exploring what you can do to make your life calmer and happier.

Hi Fragg,

Keep going to Al Anon and it will help you with this. I have been going for about 9 months and have tried, with varying degrees of success, to follow Snorbs' advice there. I reached the boundary of tolerable behaviour last week and my dh has finally seen that I mean business and is on his 4th sober day, having attended his 3rd AA meeting last night. Keep your fingers crossed for me, and I will for you too x

halfcaffodils - how was your weekend?

is he respecting your boundaries and decision for space?

Thanks Snorbs and Halfcaffodils

He has texted me today to say that yes, I am right and he is drinking too much and will try to cut down, but to be honest, we've been through this before and at best he will reduce his drinking for a week.

To be honest, I think I have decided that it is too late. I am now just mentally preparing myself to leave. I don't want this to be what happens for the rest of my life. I am worth more than this.
I'm going to Al Anon again tonight and I've bought the Co-dependence No More book to read through, I'm hoping all this will give me the strength to do what I should have done years ago.

Fragg I felt just like you - completely worn out with it and feeling it just had to end. I could not have believed dh would make the changes he has made (never cut down for more than a day or two before - ever!)Of course it's early days here.
Smashing he is back - I was reluctant and explained why, but I thought I'd give him the benefit of the doubt as his reaction was so completely different to anything he has said before. So far he has come up with the goods and even seems a bit more cheerful today. He may make it to the holiday after all...

halfcaffodils - i hope for your sake it continues to go well. i understand why you have let him come back but my personal thought is that he might not face up to the real causes and issues behind his drinking without a longer 'thinking' period.

i guess however if he does revert you will just have to put your foot down from further separation?

only time will tell if this is a 'honeymoon period' of appeasement or something more lasting and meaningful.

Yes he has been to two more meetings, so at his 5th one right now. He is lucky in that he has gaps in his working day and works in a commercial area with lots of daytime meetings. He has also been to local ones. I have just sent him a 'pep-talk' e-mail saying how proud I am of him and now that he is probably over the physical detox is when we can really start to enjoy doing things we (or at least I)had given up on.
One of the first things I am after is to be taken out for my birthday meal which should have happened last August but was cancelled due to him being incapable of standing up straight...
There are lots of other little things too...

I am hoping the 'honeymoon' is going to implant some good memories for him to remind him what is worth saving about our marriage - must be hard for him to think of many positive things from the past few years.
Yes I will definitely not be tolerant of a relapse. the thing I am struggling a bit with at the moment is how much to keep talking about it, asking him stuff, etc. and there is also the niggling presence of 4 bottles of wine in our kitchen - should I take these back to the shop, go with him to do it or trust him to do it? We discussed it briefly when he came home and he said he would do it, but hasn't yet (have been extremely busy to be fair)and I don't want to nag him about it or do the co-dependent thing.

He said he'd deal with the bottles of wine. It is now his responsibility, not yours. Just take a step back and let him deal with it. After all, if he finds it harder than he expected then he's perfectly capable of asking you for help.

just beware halfcaffodils alcohol is a bit like a mistress that never goes away and must constantly be refused.

at least with affairs the OW can grow tired of waiting and move on. alcohol sits there waiting, never growing old or wrinkled, offering the same charms she always did. for a sense of the addicts feeling for his drug of choice look at the lyrics of 'golden brown'.

for you the release is instant. he's not with his mistress alcohol anymore. but he has a much bigger grieving process to go through. it's possible that the "fun things" you've been looking forward to and now think you can do won't hold as much appeal or offer him the same emotional crutch / mask that alcohol did.

don't him to have the same trajectory of recovery that you are feeling.

he has yet to grieve the relationship (with alcohol) or face a crisis without it etc etc.

i guess i just wish you the very best. but with a warning that there is a long hard road ahead. and a lot of it he needs to walk alone.

halfcalf
so sorry re the pasta incident but great he is going to AA and is back, sending you hugs and hoping things work out how is best for you

My dh still going to AA and still sober after 12 years of being a drunk and that is just with me I think he was a drunk for ten years before that. Into third week. He is out a lot at meetings, which is good, but a big lifestyle change for us both.

I am finding it quite challenging too. the social side of drinking is something that I am missing, but I want it to work so I have no alcohol in the house - he has not asked me to do this but I am not that bothered so figured it can only help. But I do miss it, perhaps I was in the early stages. I am sure i have florid co dependants disease

smashingmn what is the journey ahead for the recovering alcholic - it sounds quite frightenting - can you give tips how to cope for them and for loved ones

Hi smashing, I can't really agree that 'the release is instant' - I am nursing 3 years of hurt, disappointment, embarassment and that of my children also, and I have had to swallow all that to take him back so quickly. I need my recovery just as much as he needs his and I will keep going to Al Anon to help me with this new phase. Since starting to go there I have always felt that it must be just as hard when the alcoholic stops drinking as you are still never going to be sure when he might start again. But there could be no marriage without hope, and I have given him this chance.
At the moment we are on course for our holiday next week, which is usually a bit easier. This week he is working every day and going to meetings in downtime. My feeling is that the crunch will come when he has a day off (he works freelance and often has a day or two in the week with no bookings) and he is left at home to potter.
Poorlybear thanks for your support and I return the wishes to you.

I really think I deserve a night out with a girlfriend. Not much of a drinker myself, but it would be nice to have one 'on equal terms'!