Alcoholic husband, will someone walk this road with me?

[PeggyGuggenheim]

It's been an issue all through our ten years together. A bottle of wine to himself, every night, is the least he would have. More like 3 litres of cider a night, or getting bladdered at the pub three times a week.

Anyway, he finally admitted to his best friend that he was an alcoholic and I thought we were getting there...he managed about six weeks without a drink and it was like we were newlyweds. Just such a relief, so much relief and love, and he was a changed person. Then bit by bit, drink creeps back in, and being the idiot I am, I think he's going to be able to be a sensible drinker! Why????

Now we are back to square one and all I'm asking for help with is - on Monday nights an Al-Anon group meets in my town, I have been threatening/promising to go, for about two years! I need to bite the bullet and just GO on Monday night. Is anyone else needing their "hand held" to take this step?

Thats interesting Sombresober, and a few years ago I felt the same way.
However, everyone has their limit and luckily for you, your DH never pushed you to yours (you sound like you have the patience of a saint .
It is so true what Patience says, I was as addicted to my ex as he was to drink, which was so so unhealthy. I knew he was bad for me and the dc but I couldn't make the break for years and I know I put the dc and my family through hell at times.
It is only now, 6 months on and with a new partner that I can see how messed up my life was, but when you are in the middle of all the madness you are blind to what is happening and in as much denial as the alcoholic.

Have been reading your posts with interest and sadness. My DH has a drink problem, but won't admit it. He functions, but I am getting more and more tired of treading on eggshells around him and of not saying what i think in order to prevent another massive row.

I have just found details of a local al-anon meeting next week and will be going along. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

halfcalf i totally agree with you it is not easy. this is the draw of any addiction. it has benefits as well as downsides and the fear of the unknown and of course dangers that will have to be faced (that the addiction provides some sort of 'protection' from).

this is why addictions / abusive situations / codependence are so terribly, terribly difficult to break free from.

in addition the addict / codependent is managing to live with the exisiting situation so to change that appears more risky because you are facing the unknown. you have to face the day to day risks that we all must face without your crutch (booze / partner).

people do leave partners and get through that. they manage to single parent and bring up healthy children.

i truly believe that by staying you are causing more damage. not only to yourself but to your kids. because the message you are sending out is it is better to stay in a addictive situation than to take responsibility for the practicalities of leaving that situation.

if you did you leave i really believe you would look back and think it was the best thing you did and be glad you didn't spend more of your life in that situation.

I completely agree Smashing - well said!
BUT you can only leave when you are ready. Hindsight is a wonderful thing - if I'd known how life would be after I'd ended it I'd have done it years earlier and saved myself a lot of grief.

Phoned the lawyer today and told her to continue divorce proceedings,now gf on the scene just want things wrapped up and in writing.
what I did was tell him I couldn't live that life anymore him drinking,me shouting at him for drinking.
It's just a NON LIFE,him neglecting his family responsibities.but after crying telling me how cruel he had been and going to one AA meeting ,he pissed off and found a new co dependent.I am over the worst of it 16 mths down the line ,I make my own happiness he had his chance to sort himself out.kids didn't have a choice.I want stability not chaos.thsnks for ur kind words of support it truly makes a difference.mine doesn't want to be with me now ,he says I've got all empowered .V V difficult if ur man is still wanting the marriage to work,but like ginny my life is more positive now and my kids no longer live with anger and dysfunction in their daily lives .btw single parent life is what u make it .worth a look at what ur entitled to if financial stability is what worries u .I have a lovely private let in a lovely old building x

I am in the same boat as the OP and others on here. My DH is an alcoholic who gives up intermittently but always goes back to it and we have 3 young DCs. I am going to try and go to an Al-Anon meeting as I just get so angry when my DH drinks & I would like to know more about this "detachment" I waste hours of my life policing him and to no avail. It is destroying my life but, like others on here, I can't imagine striking out on my own. Like others have said, he is a good dad when sober. I'm not just trying to find something nice to say about him - it really is true. If I can distract him away from drinking e.g. going out for the day at the weekend with him driving, we have a great time but the days when he starts drinking vodka in the afternoons are sheer hell. I hate the way that he drags me into his madness too - on Sunday I was so grateful & happy & literally patting him on the back that he didn't drink before or during our eldest's b'day party then I thought about it and realised I was talking about him not drinking between 11am and 1pm! My world has become so mad that I'm actually thinking he's being good by not drinking at that ridiculous hour of the day.

Hi halfcaff,

Re your comments:-

"I do feel the dc are being damaged, but I still think there would be damage caused by leaving, and I would still have to manage their contact with him, financial and legal matters would become really stressful and complicated, etc. so that anxiety would not be gone".

What is actually worse in the long run; divorcing him or having the children and you with respectively a drunkard for a husband/father?. He is no husband to you nor father to them. Also by staying with him you are actively stoppping you from meeting someone new - a non alcoholic man for instance.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. Think very carefully about that thorny issue because they are learning all the spoken and unspoken stuff and actions you both do. You cannot protect them fully from the realities of his alcoholism.

A decent solicitor would handle the legalise side of all that you mention. It could well be a short term pain for a long term gain for you. You truly don't think you deserve better than what you have now?.

Many such relationships are codependent in nature so would certainly suggest you read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Davies.

You are unstandably afraid of the unknown but staying with such a man will harm your children emotionally as well as you (and could even delay any recovery on his part becuase you enable him all the time).

If you were to stay with him say until they were in adulthood you run the risk of them actually despising you for putting him before them. They may want nothing to do with you because you're still with their drunkard dad.

Smashing writes some very prescient words here, you need to take heed.

Ginnny (hello!:)) too certainly knows what she is talking about. Read her words very carefully, she has a new life for herself now and is I daresay a lot bloody happier. I am truly glad that she left her ex behind because all he did was drag her down with him. As actually your H is doing now.

"It is destroying my life but, like others on here, I can't imagine striking out on my own. Like others have said, he is a good dad when sober. I'm not just trying to find something nice to say about him - it really is true."

Anjelika - of course he is a good dad when sober. just as alcohol has good sides too. but just as with alcohol you can't separate the good and the bad bits out you can't seperate the good and bad bits of your partner. i don't know what the ratio is of drunk / sober in your situation but even if it is 99 percent sober and 1 percent drunkard that 1 percent will be poisoning the rest of the 99 percent because until he heals himself you never know when it is coming.

I have made a lot of changes since joining Al Anon which have greatly reduced the co-dependence and enabling that go on. I have been practising detachment and making sure the dc don't miss out on activities etc. and that I have some fun without dh. I do admit there is still damage though, yes. I am open to reading anything which will make me better-equipped and/or convince me of the right decisions. I know a good solicitor can make divorce less difficult, but that's not really the point.
I am being quite honest with myself when I say I think I would probably be happier alone, probably my daughter too, but my son (6) would be devastated and as I said before, I can't see that he would forgive me. I know I run that risk (of my children despising me at some point) staying with dh too. And staying with him could delay his recovery but so could leaving him. And I could meet someone nice or I could be such a damaged person I will fall for another addict or other unsuitable man...so that's why I have so far been unable to convince myself that splitting is the best thing to do.

Wow smashing, I never thought anyone would consider divorcing someone who might be drunk 1% of the time... I do have some boundaries I am sure...I think I am on the verge of a decision, this is why I am posting on here. If I thought we could stay in the house and he would just go without a fight I would ask him to leave...about a year ago. While there is so much uncertainty about what would happen, it is making me hang on to what we have got, pathetic though that may seem.

Anjelika that could have been me writing your post. So sad/mad isn't it?

Halfcaff,

re your comments:-
"I am being quite honest with myself when I say I think I would probably be happier alone, probably my daughter too,but my son (6) would be devastated and as I said before, I can't see that he would forgive me. I know I run that risk (of my children despising me at some point) staying with dh too".

I don't think your 6 year old son would be devastated actually if you were to leave his Dad. Why would it be any different for him than for yourself and your DD?. It would not actually in the long run. This man is no role model for your son or daughter to look up to ; would you want your son to perhaps end up like his Dad or for yoru DD to end up in an alcoholic relationship herself?. No?. Alcoholism as well can be learnt behaviour.

"And staying with him could delay his recovery but so could leaving him"

There are no guarantees re alcoholism; he could lose everything and still drink. But you're still not responsible for him though you still think you are. Being responsible for the alcoholic is a trap that many people fall into. Its one that you need to get out of and fast as well.

Your H's primary relationship first and foremost is with drink. Everything and everyone else comes a dim and distant second.

It is only when you are fully away from him that you will perhaps realise how much you were also caught up in his alcoholism as well. Its a family disease, all the family need treatment.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Halfcaff - Like you, if I could just get DH to leave without a fight then I think I would've done it by now. He is adamant he's going nowhere. I think someone mentioned getting an occupation order to get an alcoholic partner out of the house - I saw a solicitor last summer and she said this would not be guaranteed. She said that unless violence is involved (and it's not in my case) then the court would not necessarily grant the occupation order. On the subject of the house, she did say that if the house wouldn't be considered too big for just me and the DCs, then DH couldn't force a sale until the youngest reached the age of 18.

I am really trying to think practically about how I could live as a single mum, even if it was made easier by us staying in our current house. I have a DS who's 4 and 10 month old twins with no-one to help out other than DH and I just feel so trapped. I just can't bring myself to believe that I would be better off without him - I wouldn't know where to start if I had to look after all 3 children on my own, day in, day out let alone the worry of all the bills etc.

Anjelika - i can see why you feel trapped. but there is help out there. and just because you are not with your alcoholic DH does not mean he would not need to provide financial support to his family.

this guide is aimed at those suffering from domestic violence but is specifically about the help you can get to leave an abusive partner (which an alcoholic is really even if not being violent).

i hope it helps.

refuge.org.uk/policy-and-research/research-and-publications/economic-abuse/

ATM thanks again. I can see you have very strong opinions on this and perhaps you are not taking in every aspect of what I am saying 'Why would it be any different for him than for yourself and your DD?. It would not actually in the long run.' I have said that in the long run maybe he would forgive me, but believe me I know my son and he adores his dad and is very protective of him.
"And staying with him could delay his recovery but so could leaving him" this was in response to you saying that staying with him could delay his recovery, not that I feel responsible for him. The only way I feel responsible for him is as the children's father, though the marriage vows do come to mind sometimes, and alcoholism is a disease, so I don't think that leaving him would be entirely guilt-free. I can do it. I am sure I can. I just need to set a date.

Halfcaff,

Well set a date in your own mind then and stick to it!. No going back then.

Your son at 6 should not have to feel any need to be protective of his dad!. This poor soul is likely to both confused and upset (he may even blame himself because he may think he has done something wrong) by his Dad's behaviour towards his family and you as his mum.

Alcoholism is a family disease; it affects everyone around the alcoholic. The responsibility for your H's alcoholism lies solely with him. Not you and nor with your children.

As I mentioned before there are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism. He could go onto lose everything and he could still choose to drink. You are still not responsible for him and never have been. You did not cause it.

He probably does not want a split either because then there will be no-one around to enable him.

Halfcaff - so your six year old adores his dad. in only a few years he too will be around alcohol. what's to say he won't develope a similarly problematic relationship with it given he is living with an alcoholic (whom he adores).

alcoholism is not a disease like any other (other than maybe other addictions).

also your family unit is just another detail on your partners mental note of why his drinking is okay. he's keeping a family together, how bad can it be?

Often when the marriage breaksdown it is the first time the alcoholic feels any serious consequences of his drinking.

I can understand that those of you who have made the break (and seen that life is better the other side) are a bit "evangelical" in their desire for the rest of us to do the same but I would be grateful for some more practical advice on how this can be achieved.

As I've said before, I have no family nearby so would be on my own 7 days a week looking after a 4 year old and 10 month old twins. Can I really believe that this would be better for my 4 year old - who let's face it would get little in the way of the individual attention he gets now when there are 2 parents in the home? It's OK people saying that my DH would have to provide for us - I assure you that he wouldn't. He has threatened many times to just leave the country if I go through with a divorce and whilst you may think he's bluffing, I actually think he'd go ahead as he would have lost everything that's dear to him. What would I do for money? I don't particularly want to stop work and go on the dole but might be forced to as that way I'd actually get more money. You can imagine how much chldcare would cost for 3 pre-schoolers! And just how do I force DH out of the house? Can this only be done once the divorce is finalised?

I've been to two Al-Anon meetings now, and I will continue, but it's certainly a strange thing. Al-anon works by encouraging the friend/relative of the drinker to apply the 12 steps to THEMSELVES. In other words, to work on their own attitudes and shortcomings. I really didn't think this had any relevance at first. I was a bit indignant to tell the truth.

But last night I managed my best ever "detachment with love". He was bumping into walls, slurring, before 9pm, then left the table (we had 6 mates over for supper) half way through the meal and passed out on the bed. I felt no anger. None. Just told myself it was something like Alzheimers. Well, I'm only in my second week of Al-anon but I'll see how I go. It was certainly a relief to not have the RAGE.

Fraggilicious I will be interested to see how you interpret the Al-anon philosophy. PS sorry for mis-spelling your great name!

I've yet to go to an Al-anon meeting but if it helps with the RAGE (and boy do I know what you mean!) then it's got to be worth a go. I managed to avoid getting angry last night and this morning (and this was after DH passed out at 5.30pm!) and I definitely feel better for it.

Anjelika. It is worth getting legal and financial advice from refuge, CAB - often solicitors will give an initial consultation free.

Will your 4 year old will be in school in September ? If so one less childcare bill to pay. If you stay in your own house - can you renegotiate your mortgage so you pay less over a longer period?

By seeking legal advice you can get information on how you can make you DH leave the house.

I understand the 'trapped' feeling - but (and I too speak from experience)... it is so much better to see your children living in a calm space where all emotional energy is being directed positively in their direction as opposed to negatively 'managing the drink sitution'.

I get it must sound evangelical - but I do feel like a massive load has been taken off my shoulders (even though financially it is much tighter, and actually workwise it is a lot tougher).

Other option, I have seen mooted in the lone parent section is to get another single parent lodger if you have the space. May not be at all be appropriate - but it is good to think laterally.

Thanks Snowmama - some good points made. The single parent lodger idea is an interesting one which I really had not considered. I had thought about getting an au-pair if it's more economically viable for me to stay at home than work - but obviously that would cost me whereas a lodger would bring me some income.

Anjelika

Anjelika as I said b4 my H left me when the situation got untenable my kids were 3 and 4 .this is the toughest road I have ever walked ,maintenance is hit and miss ,my job house and marriage all changed in one year.I echo snow mama s post though ,the calmness in my house and peace in my head everyday is worth more than having any alcoholic back in my life.
Twins under a year is tough my kids are 15mths apart .but my kids have a happier mum now not shouty or stressed.go to Alan on if u can get a sitter.it just helped give me some perspective that I had a choice.
Btw I had v little support.I learnt to build up my own support network over 16 mths ,I had to .now if people pity me about him leaving I just say ,no what would have been sad is if he had stayed.

Twins under a year is incredibly tough, especially with a 4 year old thrown into the equation. I know things are awful at home a lot of the time and my DH will not seek professional help for his problem but I still can't get my head round being on my own 24/7 with the 3 children at the ages they are.

I have a good support network in terms of friends but all bar one have their own children to look after so it would just about be 100% down to me all the time. At least at the moment when DH is sober he helps out a lot and we do manage to have some OK family time. I just feel so torn. Part of me just wants to say enough is enough and make plans to go it alone (no matter how tough it would be) and the other half thinks I should just hang in there until the kids are a bit older, at which point I will be able to cope better on my own.