Alcoholic husband, will someone walk this road with me?

[PeggyGuggenheim]

It's been an issue all through our ten years together. A bottle of wine to himself, every night, is the least he would have. More like 3 litres of cider a night, or getting bladdered at the pub three times a week.

Anyway, he finally admitted to his best friend that he was an alcoholic and I thought we were getting there...he managed about six weeks without a drink and it was like we were newlyweds. Just such a relief, so much relief and love, and he was a changed person. Then bit by bit, drink creeps back in, and being the idiot I am, I think he's going to be able to be a sensible drinker! Why????

Now we are back to square one and all I'm asking for help with is - on Monday nights an Al-Anon group meets in my town, I have been threatening/promising to go, for about two years! I need to bite the bullet and just GO on Monday night. Is anyone else needing their "hand held" to take this step?

i have absolutely no advice but this thread has been a great help. my partner and myself are both only 25 but he really has a drinking problem (most recently screaming at me down the phone that i was a cunt in front of his friends, wwho defended him by saying he was drunk :(). he's stopped drinking for about 3 weeks and it's made a massive difference... i just don't know if it'll last. really don't want to get to the point where i look back in 10 years time and think "what the hell was i thinking" :(

Anyone affected by alcohol reading this ,my advice is educate urself about the disease.learn about,co dependence,enabling behavior.read
lots and go to alanon meetings.learn about drama triangles ,transactional analysis.Ur dealing with addiction and support is out there ,but the drinker will only stop when they decide .
Candle bt window,books like "women who love too much " explain why u may be attracted to a alcoholic in the first place.along with "co dependence no more" these books have changed my life ,brought calmness to a life that was an adrenaline filled roller coaster ride.i am strengthened by my new knowledge .I understand how I got there and why I had to leave .

I was married to an alcoholic, I stayed for about 10 years. I was also an enabling codependent. It was only when I saw MY part in his alcoholism that I was able to cut free and leave. My XH said he would not let alcohol destroy his marriage but in the end he was powerless.

XH has pulled his life around and now 7 years later does not drink. I have a friend who divorced her alcoholic XH, 14 yrs later he drank himself to death.

Some can do it, some can't. But as the others have said, you can't cure this.

Realising our co-dependent relationship changed my life. Maybe changing your own part in this might change your relationship, one way or the other.

I was with an alcoholic for 5 years, as Atilla well knows. Although her manner comes across as harsh, she is absolutely right - drinkers will not stop for anyone else, they will only stop when they are ready and you need to look after yourself. Please go to that Alanon meeting, I did and if I hadn't I'm convinced I would have had a breakdown.
Ultimatums don't work unless you follow through, I gave him so many ultimatums and then he talked me round over and over and in the end he would laugh in my face.
I finally got rid of him last summer, now I have met a new man who has shown me what a normal healthy relationship looks like, and I can see now how disfunctional and messed up my life was with the ex.

I'm only sorry I put my poor dc through it for so long, Attilla - you warned me years ago and I was too stubborn to listen.

I've just spotted this thread and wanted to add my support.

FutureMrsClooney - my situation is identical to yours in that DH is an alcoholic who drinks regularly, and in large amounts but would never look drunk. For years I would say he was a 'functioning alcoholic' in the last year things have changed and it is now dragging him down, as well as causing health problems. I've now had a few real moments of clarity and am taking steps to get him out and ultimately end my marriage.

Doubting your own sanity is something i have done many times, and probably would be doing still if it wasn't for the medical evidence of the harm he's doing.

The marriage ending is very hard and I'm devastated it has come to this, however I can't go back and he refuses to admit - to me at least - that there is a problem.

OP, I would urge you to attend an Al-Anon meeting, if only to get reassurance that you are not alone. Just knowing you have somewhere to sound off will help.

the only thing I would say is don't feel pressurised to buy into the whole Al-Anon philosophy, just use it as you need it. Personally, although I found the group very supportive, I wasn't a good 'Al anon student'. The whole thing about detaching with love was just really difficult for me and often felt like collusion with the alcoholic in my view.

Do it for the support though.

Will need to come back and read properly later by I will hold your hand Peggy as I am going through this myself. Have been at Al Anon (whenever I can) since May and it has helped a bit, but had no effect on dh so far. Go a few times and see which bits can help you. As they say 'Take what you like and leave the rest'.

I sobbed my way through the first few al anon meetings.
Bit by bit I listened to what everyone said. At first I wanted them to tell me how to stop him drinking...thats not how it works.
It's you that will learn to change...it's so empowering and many of the things you learn can be used in othr areas of your life.
You can also get a sponsor from al anon who you can speak to on a one to one basis.
Def go....it's really worth it. xxxxx

My SIL's husband is an alcoholic and she has had a terrible time. OH used to tell her to leave him, but she didn't. She is now regretting it.

OH's BIL's drinking was so bad that he started having seizures. These seizures have caused irrepairable brain damage and the alcohol he has consumed over the years has now caused extensive and permanent damage to his liver. He no longer drinks but the damage is done. He now has approximately 20% of his liver functioning, and the toxins rampaging around his body causes him to be aggressive and act in a confused manner - similar symptoms to dementia. SIL has a horrible life, the only respite she gets is when her OH ends up in hospital (which happens on a regular basis). He is on a waiting list for a liver transplant, but isn't considered high priority.

Their children hate their father and run circles run SIL but ignore their dad.

Sorry to paint such a bleak picture, but this is the reality of life with an alcoholic.

My father drank himself to death last year. He had been a functioning alcoholic for over 20 years. At the end the only thing that mattered to him was getting a drink.
Even when he was dying on ICU, he was hallucinating that the oxygen bottle he was hooked up to was a bottle of scotch and asked me to move it closer so he could have a swig.
You need to protect yourself and your kids from as much as you can.
I saw too much, and really wish my mother had left him years ago.

Please go to Al Anon.

I really don't like the tone this thread has taken. Alcoholism is a disease, it's not that alcoholics won't make the decission to quit, the alcohol they are addicted to makes them for them.

I fully agree children the need to raise children away from this environment, as I was raised by alcoholics, as was my DB who has now died from it. He was old enough to see what alcohol did to our parents and hated our mother for it, even that wasn't enough for him to be able to not let it happen to himself. It was totally out of his control and he physically couldn't stop.

My mother ,is now in the same boat as Bunbakers BIL with the toxins racing around her body and has been sectioned 5 times for it. She is now on medication indefinately.

Wormshuffler, with respect, if alcoholism really is as you say then no alcoholic would ever stop drinking. But of course many do.

They stop drinking because, one day, the shame of what they have lost through drinking and the fear of what they still stand to lose if they continue to drink finally outweighs the fear of how scary and dull and impossible a life without alcohol seems to be.

That's when they make the decision that no matter how hard it will be to stop, they're going to do anything and everything they can to never drink again.

I refuse to believe that my DB would sooner have died and left his DD's fatherless than go to the effort of giving up drinking snorbs
Everyone is different, in the same way as not everyone that gets Cancer can be cured.

My dp is a recovering alcoholic.He has not had a drink for nearly 20 years.He stopped when he realised he was powerless over alcohol and decided his life was better and more manageable without. There is usually something deep which is troubling most addicts and they cannot let go of the oblivion that helps them forget that alcohol/drugs affords them (un til they sober up and realise all the misery is still there.)Once they deal with the underlying issues and accept they cannot moderate they begin the long recovery.If you manage it though life can be great again Good luck x

I think in many ways alcoholism is like anorexia, which I suffered from for many many years. It is a physical addiction and a mental illness. It is all consuming and people die rather than give it up. But it is still a choice to carry on or try and get better. It doesn't do anyone any favours to suggest that it is impossible to get better or to feel too sorry for them.

Peggy I think that you would really benefit from going to the meeting. You have nothing to lose by going, and potentially a lot to gain. You can do it!

Xh was a violent alcoholic - I tried everything to help him over the 10 years his drinking was out of control, but he never wanted to help himself or accept his problem. Everything was always someone else's fault.

Only after I took drastic action, did he change and get his life in order (I had to press charges for DV and get divorced)... It took a while but he appears to be able to be a social drinker now. For dd1's sake (she adores him) I hope he has cracked it.

I would definitely go to Al-Anon. You need all the support you can get. Alternatively try some 1:1 counselling - that's what ultimately helped me. Good luck.

Wormshuffler, I'm not saying it's easy to stop drinking. But only one person is responsible for picking up the bottle. However I can see that this is, for very good reason, a very sensitive subject for you and so I'll bow out.

OP, I hope you do get to the Al-Anon meeting tonight. Go a few times and get Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More". It will do you good.

Wormshuffler

I'm so sorry for what you have gone through with your mum and brother. I have heard that addiction can run in families. SIL's OH's mum also had a difficult relationship with alcohol.

I'm inclined to think that addiction to alchol and nicotine varies in different people. I know people who have managed to give up smoking without too much effort, but my mum couldn't, and it killed her in the end. I'm sure that some people find it easier to give up alcohol than others. The BIL gave up because he ended up in ICU with a doctor telling him that the next drink would kill him.

The problem is that addicts either think they can't give up or they don't have a problem and it takes a shock like BIL's to get the message through.

I am curious as to how your mum got sectioned - I hope you don't mind me asking.

Hi bun... thanks
Well how did my Mum get sectioned.........well firstly she became very paranoid and wouldn't let me in when I went to visit her, then the police rang me to say she had called them up as she seen someone on the news killing people and it was me, so the police phoned me up to tell me. I then had to call the doctor who she eventually let in whilst listening to her shoe ticking.........It is so bizarre it actually sounds funny now that I say it out loud.
She was admitted to the assesment unit and eventualy diagnosed with corsicov (sp) syndrome.
It was so sad , as because she had been so ill with her liver she was actually housebound for over a year and actually got off the booze, then this happened about 6 months later when I was PG with DD and she had just started being a "normal mum" to me for the first time ever.

Hi Peggy just wondering if u went along tonight ?
My story is my X chose drink over his family,he dumped me and says I drove him to drink.I see it as the alcohol in his life made everything unmanageable ,he says it was me.I would have supported him if he had chosen to stop drinking ,I was with him 16 yrs.its easier for him to blame me ,he doesn't want to stop drinking.This last 16 mths I have been thru every emotion,he lies so much he doesn't know what is the truth anymore.My self esteem was rock bottom when he left.

so sorry for ur loss worm shuffler x

There was also a member of my family with a severe drink problem that attended AA and stopped drinking for over 30 yrs before he died.AA worked for him and he embraced their philosophy for the rest of his life .He wanted to stop drinking and change his life and he did.

Hi Peggy, did you get to the meeting? My story is so similar to many on here, and yours. I am still at the stage of deciding what to do, when and how to do it. My dh went some way to acknowledging there is a problem but will not seek help either by making a GP appointment or trying an AA meeting. He makes no comment when I go to Al Anon. I have been trying really hard to follow the Al Anon philosophies of detachment (mostly making sure I and the children have plans which can work with or without him, as we never know til the last minute if he'll be there, not nagging ) and acknowledging alcoholism as a disease, so dc understand it is not something he is doing 'to them'. Sometimes I have hope, other times I feel our marriage is doomed and it is just a question of the best way and the best timing to get out of it.

"Alcoholism is a disease, it's not that alcoholics won't make the decission to quit, the alcohol they are addicted to makes them for them."

As a recovering alcoholic myself, I can endorse this. Nor do I believe i will ever be cured.

But actually alcoholism isn't much like cancer. It's more like diabetes, as in it CAN be managed - once you accept you've got it, realise that no one else is going to fix it for you, and that if you don't take action you really could die and drag a lot of other people down with you.

FWIW I haven't had a drink for over 8 years and am very happy about that. i now have a wife and two children who have not seen me drink.

But I can honestly say that, if I drank again, I would step over my crying family to get to the pub.

OP the biggest help you can give your partner may be to take unilateral action and stay in Al-Anon. But PLEASE don't wait for him to act - you may be waiting a long time, because your non-action only reinforces what he wants to believe, i.e. that his drinking is normal and okay and that he does not need to act (and certainly not - shock horror - abstain.)

I personally didn't go the alanon route, I didn't want to learn how to live with my alcoholic, I wanted him to stop drinking - and they can't help with that.

You have to see what kind of support works for you OP, take what works.

I found alanon helpful when my husband chose to keep drinking ,it helped me understand why he could walk away from a wife and dcs 3 and 4 yo. and how I couldn't stop his drinking no matter how much I loved him.I didn't go to that many meetings due to lack of childcare prob about 4 mths but it gave me strength and knowledge about a subject I didn't know about.
Hope ur ok op x

nje is right, al-anon isn't for everyone 9and certainly none of my family is in it AFAIK).

It IS important you look after number 1, though, however you go about it - the whole thing about alkies is that they are selfish and unreliable so you can't count on him to put things right.