Alcoholic husband, will someone walk this road with me?

[PeggyGuggenheim]

It's been an issue all through our ten years together. A bottle of wine to himself, every night, is the least he would have. More like 3 litres of cider a night, or getting bladdered at the pub three times a week.

Anyway, he finally admitted to his best friend that he was an alcoholic and I thought we were getting there...he managed about six weeks without a drink and it was like we were newlyweds. Just such a relief, so much relief and love, and he was a changed person. Then bit by bit, drink creeps back in, and being the idiot I am, I think he's going to be able to be a sensible drinker! Why????

Now we are back to square one and all I'm asking for help with is - on Monday nights an Al-Anon group meets in my town, I have been threatening/promising to go, for about two years! I need to bite the bullet and just GO on Monday night. Is anyone else needing their "hand held" to take this step?

Thats the thing its RL and such a big step .Even finishing a cup of tea at that stage is an achievement you "ll get there ,financially gov will pay for rent t credits and income support if ur not working,It's enough to live on to catch ur breath then they pay towards childcare if u work and apply for working tax credits.money wise you ll get by .

but being alcoholic is always a form of abuse in a relationship. as you say in your case your partner was unreliable, would be quiet and not very pleasant.

comparing that to other forms of abuse is not very helpful. it's a bit like the woman who stays with a verbal / emotional abuser because she thinks "well, it could be worse if he was hitting me or if i was single".

of course you don't need alcohol to have a problem background but that does not make it okay.

as in all situations of abuse the decision to leave must be your own.

some women have no doubt stayed after a beating and felt it was the right thing to do.

The primary relationship is with drink; everything and everyone else comes a dim and distant second even if they are actually on the list of the alcoholic's priorities.

Codependency issues are more often than not a feature of such relationships as well. Also the non alcoholic can feel very responsible for the alcoholic within the marriage.

Women have a choice at the end of the day re their alcoholic man; their children do not.

The opposite of abuse is respect.

Interesting that my counsellor reckoned we are all co dependent one way or another,just depends how far u take it.if ur regularly shouting at ur partner,its not good.as a single mum I don't have the rage I had ,it left with him.u have to work to build patience and serenity as a parent.I found things I learned at alanon helped me a lot in day to day life.my stress levels are definately down .infact if its not death divorce or serious illness I don't bat an eyelid ,just luxury problems.its ur attitude to being a single mum that matters,if ur positive u will have a positive experience if ur negative then it will be all doom and gloom.I would never tell anyone to leave their man .but if folk are afraid of being a single mum don't be x

sombresobre - yes being unreliable is abusive. being quiet when it is emotionally loaded is abusive. as is being not very pleasant in many instances (it's quite a broad church but i bet if you gave specific examples of what you meant by "not very pleasant" it would be abuse).

It has taken me a few times to write this post, as I don't want SombreSober to feel attacked. I think there others reading who will be going through exactly this dilemma.

However a couple of points strike me. Firstly, I don't care if in 20 years my kids still wish I stayed with their Dad. It is not their choice, it is my adult responsibility to raise them away from unhealthy behaivours/environments.

Secondly, I am with SNM.. I think that an alcholics behaivour and their prioritising of drink above all others - is abusive. It may not be drunken violent rages, but it can easily be emotional abuse.

Having said that - you have made your choices, and it is not for me to tell you they were wrong.

If I stay we will manage somehow if he does not change, the children will have a good dad most of the time and we will continue our sad 'waifs in the storm' marriage."

And the children will end up hating their dad and not wanting anything to do with him. This has happened with my SIL. Her husband's liver is all but destroyed by drinking and he is waiting for a transplant. The toxins circulating round his body and the fits that he has suffered have affected his brain and most of the time he behaves like someone with dementia. SIL hates him, but is trapped. The children are grown up now and only visit their mum when their dad is out. SIL now wishes that she had left him years ago.

Co dependancy is a massive thing in an alcoholic relationship and it's really worth reading about it. Sometimes the reasons given for staying in an alcoholic marriage seem like 'reasons' but are in fact excuses (not the best word to use but hope you get my drift). People get used to being in an abusive/alcoholic marriage and it becomes a dance in which both people are willing participants.
Also if you leave the alcoholic there is no reason not to get back together if things improve.

sharon2609 - excuses or justifications. it is all very understandable however. it doesn't make someone a "bad" person in any way shape or form. it just means their thinking is not helping them.

Absolutely.. was just trying (badly) to make the point that our own behaviour can help change things. Very hard to do as I'm aware that it's soooo hard sometimes to see the wood from the trees.

I only learnt about co dependency after me and X split up .we had various reconcilliations and I never went down the enabling road again,I didn't shout at him when he was drunk ,I justf did my own thing.I would say it is the biggest lesson I have learned in this break up the biggest gift.melody beattie book changed my life,also robin norwood women that love too much.if a guy makes u sad and hurts u ,why would u stay.I doubt my X will ever get back to the same social status he had when we were together.not my problem,his health etc not my problem either.he made his choices.I am finally breaking free from him.I don't wish him ill,I'm not bitter and I'm not sad.things happen ,now I am moving on ,he chooses to drink a lot everyday in life I don't .me and the kids are happier without him in our lives everyday.something I learned was ur not aware ur in denial ,when ur in denial.its only afterwards u realise it.also like any abuser the man who makes u feel the worst can wrap his arms round u and make u feel the best feeling cos he's ur husband ,promise the earth and make it all better.they push ur boundaries everyday.they know whats at stake but they keep taking the piss cos without u they lose everything,without u they are just a bloke with a. drink problem.

I am glad this thread has become a bit more of a support thread again, and less of a haranguing. Those of us going through a tough time at the moment do want to hear others' experiences but don't want to be told what they 'ought' to do.
Really interesting about alcoholism being a form of abuse - it's something I had been thinking about for some time as the effects of alcoholism are certainly not much different to the definitions of abuse. The difference is, I suppose that it is not deliberate, and I think this is important. The alcoholic is suffering with an illness which affects the whole family, and is not doing it deliberately to hurt anyone. They are mentally, physically and spiritually sick. It is more about whether you can tolerate the effects on the rest of the family and you have to be the judge of what is best for your children at any time. This can be hard to keep a handle on as denial is indeed a powerful force and I find I need to really scrutinise my decisions from time to time. Becoming better informed about alcoholism and talking to other partners/ex-partners helps to keep a reality check on things.

Alcoholism IS an illness that affects the whole family. It really is a good idea to learn as much about it as possible. It becomes a bit easier to understand.
The abuse thing is interesting...it could even be seen as self harm.

Yep, that too.

Def self harm like any addiction

I am back after a few days away with the dc's.

My dh is going to AA and says, and this is the first time he has ever said this, that he wants to give up the booze which is encouraging.

On a sadder note for four days he has had a feeling of itching all over his skin and his tummy is bloated. I am worried that he has liver disease

Has he got a yellowy look about him ?

Good news about AA . A step in the right direction.

No, but the whites of his eyes are pinkish/cloudyish

Maybe a good idea for him to see gp...just to be on the safe side.

As someone who grew up with two alcoholic parents, can I just say that children notice a hell of a lot more than you might think.

My mum is now dead (not from alcohol), dad functions well enough, I leave him to it and he can drink himself to death if he wants- his choice. His dad was an alcoholic for many years until he one day decided to stop, and then never had a drink after that.

I have no respect for my parents. I imagine in the long run that your children will be happier and respect you if you leave your alcoholic husband than if you stay. It might take an ultimatum and following it through for him to realise he has to change- or he might decide alcohol is more important, in which case you are well out of it.

I am very sorry that you are having to go through this. AA is a good step, hopefully giving you good support.

This may be irrelevant or not important - but the aa depends on your beliefs- i went to an aa meeting with someone close and it was in a church hall. the people running it said you didn't have to believe in god but you had to acknowledge that there was a higher power you had to justify yourself to. So basically we felt if you were an atheist the aa wasn't for us.
the doctor kept saying go to aa, and the person who needed it was excluded.
Sorry guys if this was just a one off!