Alcoholic husband, will someone walk this road with me?

[PeggyGuggenheim]

It's been an issue all through our ten years together. A bottle of wine to himself, every night, is the least he would have. More like 3 litres of cider a night, or getting bladdered at the pub three times a week.

Anyway, he finally admitted to his best friend that he was an alcoholic and I thought we were getting there...he managed about six weeks without a drink and it was like we were newlyweds. Just such a relief, so much relief and love, and he was a changed person. Then bit by bit, drink creeps back in, and being the idiot I am, I think he's going to be able to be a sensible drinker! Why????

Now we are back to square one and all I'm asking for help with is - on Monday nights an Al-Anon group meets in my town, I have been threatening/promising to go, for about two years! I need to bite the bullet and just GO on Monday night. Is anyone else needing their "hand held" to take this step?

lovelymumma, I disagree. If one person has a drink problem then it is unreasonable to expect everyone else in the family to massively curtail their own social lives so that they don't create an "atmosphere to drink".

More to the point, an alcoholic can create such an atmosphere entirely by him/herself. Let's say she did stop the friends coming round for dinner. Her DH would then simply get drunk in solitude as he does every night already. I think the OP's issue with the dinner parties is more to do with the social embarrassment of having a drunk collapse face-first into the dessert at the dinner table (yes, I'm exaggerating but I've seen similar behaviour myself).

It may well be appropriate for the OP to take any existing alcohol out of the house but she can't stop her DH from bringing more in. It is not her job to be the booze police. It doesn't make the slightest difference to how much the alcoholic drinks, it just causes stress and conflict. And I'd strongly counsel against pouring it down the sink as getting between a half-drunk alcoholic and their next drink can be a very dangerous place to be. My ex physically attacked me after I made that mistake.

My dad was an alcoholic, he died as a direct consequence of alcohol two months ago.

My mother was a depressed individual (who can blame her) with her own problems.

I was daddy's girl. I had younger siblings who I cared for when no one could. I cared for my mum when no one else could. I collected my dad from hospital and he gave my telephone number when arrested.

I grew up thinking I was the bees knees because I cared for everyone.

Some time ago my husband left me for another woman. I fell to bits shocking everyone (including my husband) as I always seemed so strong and independent. I really fell to bits. Years later I am beginning to work out why; and perhaps this marks the start of my recovery from depression after a lost few years. I am extraordinarily co-dependent, despite everyone seeing me as the strong one, the reliable one, the who who cared, I was (am) very weak with my self esteem and confidence entirely reliant on other people, especially my husband.

I also have an alcohol problem (most likely an alcoholic, don't know). I don't think it is worth tackling it. I am in a bubble or trap. I think my dcs can regard me with affection when I get tiddly! I function well, very well.

Just wanted to tell you guys something about what growing up with an alcoholic is like, perhaps especially for those children who seem to cope so very well. I also wanted to offload. I have never said this to anyone.

I have just re read this page, first time in a year as writing here has made me think.

www.nacoa.org.uk/codepend.htm

I include the link as I do not want you parents to dismiss my tale and the invisible consequences of living in a family with an alcoholic. Also to make me face up to what I am like for my children...

Thanks Iwillfreeme. One of the most valuable things I have found going to Al Anon is not just hearing stories similar to mine, but hearing the viewpoint of those who grew up with an alcoholic parent or two (my children's experience) and those whose adult children are alcoholics (my MIL's experience). It can be worrying but also heartening to hear how many children of alcoholics have turned out ok and are not alcoholics themselves. It sounds as though you could benefit from sharing about your childhood and others could learn from you too, even if you do not want to (at this time) tackle your own drinking. Good luck.
Poorlybear good to hear your dh is on the wagon at the moment. Mine actually didn't drink for 24 hours yesterday,(getting on for 36 now) which is unheard of! Usually he pretends but is obviously going to different corners of the house to swig in 'secret'. I gave him an ultimatum about going on holiday in ten days' time - if he gets drunk around the children we are going without him. And that will be easy if he is drinking, as he will probably be asleep when we leave!

A thought about co-dependency...aren't women soooo vulnerable to this in their role as wives, mothers and carers? Co-dependency is rife in 'normal' or traditional households as well, and lots of women do fall apart if a partner leaves or dies, or when the children leave home, as the main purpose of their lives to that point has been caring for others. It is virtually impossible when with an alcoholic partner to know at which point to switch off that caring/nurturing behaviour. Think of a single parent who does everything for their children with little or no help - not much different to mu life, but there is more money coming in at the moment.
As for trying to protect the children from the worst effects, I think being open with them and talking about it all with other family members present too is a much better approach than trying to hide the truth from them. I certainly wouldn't dismiss your experience, Iwillfreeme.

I agree halfcaff. I think that, contrary to the popular psychological press, codependency can be very healthy, and part of a very healthy relationship. This has prevented me from seeing that I am at an extreme and need to address it. I guess it is akin to the difference between a 'normal' can't sit still boy and one who suffers as a result of ADHD.

Sometimes the boundaries are blurred, sometimes we blur the boundaries as a form of protection.

Sorry. I am not clear where I am going with this.

I have had the courage to write because I do not want your children (not just you halfcaff - you plural!) to be facing a life like mine. I don't know where the right and wrong boundaries lie. I am just offering a story. Trust me there are many other stories where this came from! I am not simply blaming my life on my father's alcoholism.

I think your honesty will help avoid some of this, I hope so. I just don't know whether it would have made any difference to me if I had been led by an example such as yours. I think I would still have wanted to help and in doing so created this monster.

Halfcaff can u explain ur point re single parent ,I see co dependency as an addiction to control other people because u think u know best.the sort of person that takes offence when others don't want their help or sits at home bitching about how ungrateful someone is after all they have done for them.But ultimately nobody asked for their help in the first place.its the controlling behaviour and the feeling that they know best.
Well done to everyone managing to cut down.always worth talking to gp for advice.not great to go cold turkey.I don't know why ,just the shock to the body I think .well done on the link calyx x

Hi Patience, what I meant about being a single parent was, well two things really: 1 your whole being can be taken up with caring for your children, and one day they will grow up and leave home and this could leave you feeling empty, to an even greater extent than if you were with a partner. 2) Part of co-dependency is meant to be 'thriving on' or getting a thrill or fulfillment from being the one who sorts everything out and keeps the home together - this is where I am at with my dh who is almost useless when it comes to childcare. But this is how most men were a generation ago (I don't mean drunk, I mean almost useless when it comes to childcare!) I think that traditionally a normal marriage was based on co-dependency where roles were defined and if one partner died/left/was incapacitated for any reason then the other partner was up shit creek! I am not implying any criticism of single parents, co-dependent partners of alcoholics, or anybody else. I am just saying co-dependency is everywhere and boundaries can be blurred in the daily hustle/bustle of family life when you just need to get on with whatever is the next priority!

I know u weren't criticising.interesting that my counsellor said the same thing ie everyone is co dependent to some extent. To me it is a need to rescue,save people from doing it wrong or what u perceive to b wrong. that is a real alarm bell.as a single parent myself I made a conscious choice to take the healthy selfish route ie if mum is happy the kids are happy.I run a small business ,I do kick boxing one evening a week and I endeavor to get out one sat nite in a month and I'm doin a qualification online.my life has flourished without X ,although its only recently that I found out he had a gf ,that ultimately gave me closure.anyway my point is with or without an X we can remain co dependent ,weak ,emotionally immature.that's why my point is turn ur attention off the drinker and on to urself.do the healthy selfish,put urself first,find out why u got into this pattern and how u can get out of it.doing some "me " work will get u firing on all cylinders and ultimately that is better for an H whether we are with them or not.in my own experience its better when I deal with X that I am laid back and indifferent.taken 16 mths to get here but personally I would never go back.I don't see my experience of single parenthood as all consuming or negative.I am happier than I was b4 and kids are positive.
I don't see being a single parent makes u co dependent,if anything my kids are more independent because they do more chores than others at 4 and 5 cos there s not enough hours in the day.they started at montessori nursery and I guess I was always that way myself .lift ur own dishes,get dressed by urself etc.
The biggest thing out my life is all the adrenaline fuelled arguments.me flying off the handle everytime my X let me down thru drink.he can choose to drink ,he can choose to have a 21 yo gf ,he can choose to lie to me .I chose to remove myself from that.

Ok he chose to dump me cos I found his lifestyle unacceptable,but ultimately I chose to move on from that,start sorting out negative patterns and not be bitter about my situation,just learned from it instead.

Patience I can see you are working hard on making a better life for you and your dc and that is great. I entirely agree that you need to take the focus off the drinker and look after yourselves and dc. I have done this to a large extent by ensuring we are self-sufficient when it comes to activities, e.g. I will not include him in any evening event where we have to buy tickets, or rely on him being there or driving anywhere after lunch. He gets left behind and we carry on regardless.
I can see why you are glad to be out of it, and God I wish he would leave most days! In fact one of the main bugbears is my social life is restricted - if he wasn't there I could get a babysitter, but I can't when he is there/coming home and likely to be drunk, yet I sometimes don't feel able to leave the children with him. This can also make it hard to get to Al Anon meetings.

Thanks hc,wishing u all the best x

I went to my first Al anon meeting last night. It was interesting and I found it very upsetting. I have been downplaying the situation at home to myself for so long, it was hard.
Hearing someone else talk about similar experiences and how they reacted and how they felt.. It was like someone holding a mirror up. And seeing it from someone else's standpoint made me realise just how unhappy I am with the whole situation.

I left the meeting at a bit of a sprint so I could cry in the car in private but one of the other members came out and stopped me to give me a welcome pack and to talk to me. So I ended up back in the hall crying and looking awful. Everyone was very friendly and welcoming and I plan to go again next week.

I just wish DH could see he has a problem (or admit it anyway)

Well done Fragg. Some meetings can be very emotional, others are very inspiring and serene. It depends on the time of the month, too, for me but I have come out feeling calm and courageous and other weeks been a snivelling wreck!

Well I've done it. I've told him to sling his hook. (well in a 4-sided letter). So far have had two grovelling texts (quite a surprise as not his usual style). Want him to stay away for a couple of weeks and decide on his priorities.

halfcaff - well done. that's brilliant. how are you feeling?

Well done HalfCaff! Hope you are ok?

Feeling like I just want him to leave us alone for a while. Have now had a 3rd grovelling text saying he is going to seek every type of help and get better instantly. I think he thinks I am going to take him straight back on this promise. He seems genuinely shocked that I have done this. I am really surprised - perhaps this is normal when a bombshell is dropped, or is he just bullshitting? I am so bonkers/numb and have been lied to so much, I don't really know!

I think that if you can stick to your guns and say you want x amount of space he is more likely to believe you. If you let him come straight back on the promise of him seeking help, will he actually go through with the getting of help.. Just how I would view it.

I have no intention of letting him come back before the stipulated time/conditions. I have a feeling he may turn up on the doorstep tomorrow evening (he is working 2 days 'away' at the moment; though he normally commutes it makes sense for him to stay tonight.)I have a friend coming round but I am dreading an emotional scene with dc etc. Perhaps we should get away, but we have a full day of kids' activities on Saturday, so don't want them to miss out on their normal stuff.

Halfcaff - just interested to know how you got him to agree to slinging his hook for a few days. My DH refuses point blank to go anywhere if I try and throw him out. In fairness he doesn't have anywhere to go but, even so, when his drinking gets out of hand I'd love to be able to throw him out for a few days.

Went to see a solicitor this morning (although my DH is on the wagon at the moment - the appointment was booked when he was at his worst last week)and came away feeling very depressed about it all really. Think my first port of call would be an occupation order banning him from the house rather than divorce. I was told previously it would be hard to secure one if there was no violence involved but the solicitor I saw this morning thought my circumstances would possibly warrant one - DH drinking to excess when the DCs are around and my eldest commenting to other mums about it.

Watch this space Anjelika! I am bracing myself for attempts at re-entry. Basically he has just gone to work and I have made it clear I don't want him home tonight, or for the next 2 weeks (this includes us going on a family holiday without him!)I can't say he has exactly agreed to it. Just keep reiterating that I need time and space and if he wants to make it work (which he says he does) he had better listen.

The final straw was him being drunk collecting ds (6) from school yesterday, taking him home and allowing him to stand at a hot stove and eat pasta from the pan (not enough - I had to cook him another portion) while he was in another room on the verge of a drunken stupour. So I really felt I had to act straight away, having given a recent ultimatum about this sort of behaviour. Occupation order seems like a good idea.

Sending u strength hc.it is tough ,I had every promise ,tears etc but he was always in denial.pamper urself while he is away,professionally or DIY beauty treats help nourish u.ur no 1 ,if mum is fine kids are fine .if he is going to sort himself out ,then this is the catalyst he needs.I just thought I was driving a big red London bus ,kids were on board and X could choose to jump on the bus whenever he sorted himself out.he didn't ever catch the bus but other people do sort themselves out.
Frag I thought I had a great marriage b4 he left ,ur facing up to things now and it is emotional,but education and support is such a gift at this time.big hugs and know ur never alone x

may i just pop in and out of this thread? - i have been reading since the beginning - im an alcoholic and the best thing my dh ever did for me was give me an ultimatum and mean it!

since the ultimatum i have been sober, our marriage is back on track, our family life is back to normal and tbh i cannot thank my dh enough!, life was a difficult misery, i denied the problem for many years, causing unhappiness and upset - if i drink again im out! and i dont blame him!

i know its not easy but really, please stay strong!, you are all worth so much more than a 'half life', both you and your spouses!