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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Alcoholic husband, will someone walk this road with me?

249 replies

PeggyGuggenheim · 12/02/2011 14:11

It's been an issue all through our ten years together. A bottle of wine to himself, every night, is the least he would have. More like 3 litres of cider a night, or getting bladdered at the pub three times a week.

Anyway, he finally admitted to his best friend that he was an alcoholic and I thought we were getting there...he managed about six weeks without a drink and it was like we were newlyweds. Just such a relief, so much relief and love, and he was a changed person. Then bit by bit, drink creeps back in, and being the idiot I am, I think he's going to be able to be a sensible drinker! Why????

Now we are back to square one and all I'm asking for help with is - on Monday nights an Al-Anon group meets in my town, I have been threatening/promising to go, for about two years! I need to bite the bullet and just GO on Monday night. Is anyone else needing their "hand held" to take this step?

OP posts:
SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 09/03/2011 14:07

sorry halfcaff - i didn't mean to sound dismissive of what you are going through. i'm glad you are getting some support at your meetings.

halfcaffodils · 09/03/2011 14:14

That's ok smashing. I do feel relief, tempered with caution.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 09/03/2011 14:16

poorlybear - the journey ahead for a recovering alcoholic....well this is all just my opinion but i think it is a different recovery to the recovering partner. the alcoholic has been using alcohol often to cope with emotions and life (or rather avoid coping with them). in that way alcohol has been a friend to them.

for the partner i think when the drinking stops it is a relief and a sense that now you can get on with "normal life". however for the alcoholic the idea of "normal life" actually holds a sense of (often unspoken) dread. it's precisely an inability to deal with "normal life" that has kept them hooked into the alcohol. as they face this fear there can be an overwhelming pressure / urge to go back to the safety net of alcohol - not least if their partner seems to be acting as if it's all fine now without the booze.

without acquiring the skills / strength / support to cope with "normal life" (it's downs as well as ups) the risk of returning to alcohol remains high.

it's a very difficult road because precisely at the moment you are facing your toughest moments (living without alcohol) you also have to do it without your familiar coping mechanism (alcohol).

poorlybear · 09/03/2011 14:32

I see what you mean re the stress and not being able to use the usual crutch

I am scared the drinking will be back and this must sound crazy but I am a bit scared of what lies ahead without drink - will we stil have a marriage it is so part of our lives. But better sober than drunk and apart.

I think I need to go to al anon as well, I need to find a meeting as it is affecting me too if I am honest both the drinking and the recovery stage I need support.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 09/03/2011 14:37

poorlybear - yes definitely get all the support you can. especially whilst you don't have every confidence the recovery will continue or be straightforward.

poorlybear · 12/03/2011 20:31

Anyone out there?
Dh is now three weeks sober, but he is feeling very unwell mentally - paranoid, stunted, slowed up, he is also irritable. What will help.

poorlybear · 12/03/2011 20:52

bump

Fragglicious · 12/03/2011 21:17

hi Poorlybear, no advice,just didn't want you to be unanswered..
I did find this on google though www.dryoutnow.com/alcohol-info/Alcohol-withdrawal-symptoms.html which may help...

LearningSlowly · 13/03/2011 09:17

I am a recovering alcoholic. Long enough to know some of what I'm talking about, short enough to remember the journey well, including lots of what went before. Your DH is in very early sobriety...those feeling are perfectly normal and actually signs he is on the right track. We take a day at a time because if we keep our eyes on these 24 hrs we can cope with these feelings. Things are probably better today than they were 3 weeks back. Get through today. It does work and becomes more "normal" over time. Stick at it both of u cos it is well worth it

Anjelika · 14/03/2011 15:53

Hi poorlybear

My DH is 3 weeks sober too so I kind of know what you are going through. I would say that mine is better than he was mentally but he is extremely irritable. He seems to have come over all "righteous" about lots of stuff. He is currently at home whilst I work full time and gets very stroppy if I upset any of his new (sober) systems and ways of doing things. Mind you, it's still tons better than living with a horrible drunk person!

Mirrors - I think your comments about the non-alcoholic carrying on as if everything is fine now are very wise. It's a mistake I always make.

jesuswhatnext · 14/03/2011 19:00

hi! like LS im short term sober enough to remember the first few weeks very well - its terrifying! Sad, i felt like shit for about 3 weeks, i think its the body adjusting and detoxing, i found the mental strain really hard too, i think i finally slept properly at about the 3 week mark too - i was exhausted! - if you are not careful your brain can run away with you, thinking about the future without ever being able to pick up a drink is a frightening place to be (im not asking for sympathy, just trying to explain how it feels) - i also think we alkies can turn ANY situation in to a 'me me me' sceanario Blush, my dh puts up with it to a certain extent and then will bring me up short if im being too over-bearing, makes me mad but my sober, rational brain does understand!

by teh sound of it, your dhs are doing ok and acting quite normally for an adjusting alkie!

poorlybear · 14/03/2011 23:46

Thank you all of you for posting, it helps.
He is still sober Smile
he has a boil and a verucca and back pain, and is very run down and hypochondriacal as well as mentally troubled

I am trying to look after him by feeding him well, dealing more with the dc's and sending him to bed/to sauna swim pool

He is coping

I am going through a mildly stressful event which will be over this week, so taht will be good when my stress clears I will not be too distracted

aa helps heaps, he is going tomorrow and saturday,
we are now into our fourth week Smile

poorlybear · 14/03/2011 23:47

I have booked a masage for him at the local health club, we have easily saved what that will cost in booze.

poorlybear · 14/03/2011 23:53

I am going to start a new thread for supporting a partner in alcohol recovery as I feel taht I have hijacked this thread - apols for doing that and good luck all

PeggyGuggenheim · 24/04/2012 21:32

Hello again, this is the OP here, a year later! I did go to the first Al-anon meeting as a result of the support on this thread :)

And Al-anon has been amazing, so helpful and also really intriguing in that it's actually a SELF-improvement programme, and the atmosphere at home has been transformed.

ANYWAY - He was still drinking heavily until 10 days ago and then after a big row I finally (after 10 years) laid it on the line, and said that I would ask him to leave if he drank again.

So he's now been sober for 10 days and he has a doc. appt. on Thursday, to talk about the drinking, and I'm just wondering what will the doc do/say to him? I'm thinking liver function tests? What are they? Is it just a blood test? DH very nervous and a bit reluctant but he knows what's at stake now...what can he expect?

OP posts:
PeggyGuggenheim · 24/04/2012 22:26

Bump please...what can my alcoholic husband expect on his first visit to the GP to talk about his drinking?

OP posts:
Sposh · 24/04/2012 22:31

Seeing as how he's already gone 10 days he won't need a detox (if you're absolutely sure he isn't secretly drinking). Liver function tests, yes, a simple blood test. He might get a referral to an alcohol/addiction counselling service and he may well be given the number for AA. Is he reluctant to go to AA despite you going to Al Anon?

daffydowndilly · 25/04/2012 08:03

You know, you need to go through with asking him to leave if he does drink again, and be prepared that it is likely. A boundary like that if not gone through with will not have any effect otherwise. And I was told that strongly and forcefully by a therapist who was a successfully recovered alcoholic of many decades. An alcoholic may lose everything - job, marriage, friends, home - and still go on drinking. You have no power over his drinking. Sadly. But you know that if you have been going to Al Anon.

I went to Al Anon, listened to people and ended up realising that I was not prepared to be one of the partners who learnt to live with an active alcoholic. My husband was not prepared to give up drinking his denial was so strong still. (Seriously, he even met up with me one day, after an Al Anon meeting, while I was with all the people from there, drunk - because instead of going to AA which is why I booked a babysitter, he had sat himself in a bar in London and drunk. He still doesn't see it as an issue. And yes he was aware of what I was doing and who I was with).

I had all the promises, and he was so persuasive. I set the same boundary down that you did. I suspected, but he was so charming and did control his drinking better and stay away from things that smell like beer. Just came home smelling of coconut etc instead. He said all the right things, was feeling better than ever, didn't need alcohol... he could do this, didn't need AA, would of course go straight away if he couldn't manage on his own, was strongly considering a treatment centre, even spoke to them. Anything to make me relax.

And I caught him red handed, he still lied and tried to get out of it. And did nothing to try and mitigate what was happening. Just blame me and get angry. He has now been out of our marriage for over a month, and still blames me for the separation, it was my unreasonable behaviour, not his. He is still in denial. So he is quite prepared to lose everything, the wife he said over and over again was the best thing in his life, his young children, his home, his marriage. Makes no difference. The disease is so strong. And I feel so sad for him. And I would ask him to leave again and go through with my boundary.

He did go to a Dr years ago and had liver tests, of course some damage (blood testes) and offered pills to help him stop. Didn't take. But after that was being treated privately, so not sure what the NHS offers. I think it depends on area and region. There are group therapy and courses in some areas. Good luck.

PeggyGuggenheim · 25/04/2012 13:04

Thanks daffydowndilly and sposh for replying. Yes I have finally come to peace with it and realise that I will carry through and ask him to leave till he can sort himself out. We have a bachelor friend with a spare room and I'm guessing that's where he'll go. We went to an AA meeting together about 6 months ago and he found it really moving (and he genuinely did because I was there with him and saw how affected he was) -- but has wriggled out of going again. I think he's seen that he has a problem, but he doesn't see that he can't solve it alone. Just very reluctant to seek help.

The saddest thing for me was my last Al-anon meeting where I said, pleased as punch, that I had had a break-through and seen the light and given him this ultimatum, and he had accepted it and not drunk for 5 days, whoo hoo! If you know Al-anon you'l know what looks of love and empathy I got. And so many people afterwards giving me their phone-numbers. It was a bit of a wake-up call. These folks know the score and they know what's round the corner for me and my kids.

Aaaaaaaaaaah alcoholism, hard hard hard illness.

OP posts:
crazynell · 25/04/2012 18:20

i was married to an alcoholic sober he was funny witty intelligent kind, quiet reflective sad, etc; drunk he was ott, manic loud rude, funny at times.

He died having got mouth cancer - the consultant said it was directly related to his high alcohol intake over many years. He had half his face cut off to get the tumour out there was a ward full of men in similar circumstances with half their faces chopped off too - because of their alcoholism. he died 6 months later.
I found bottles and bottles all over the house - he was telling me he'd cut it back! everybody except me know he hadn't - he owed money to people to buy drink.

It is soooooo sad - he really wanted to stop and couldn't - he loved me but he loved drink more
only he can do it Peggy you can't do it for him
Good luck with Al Anon and with your life. x

teenyweenytadpole · 28/04/2012 15:53

Hi Peggy, I was following your thread and was just wondering how things are going for you? I'm in a similar situation. Don't want to hijack your thread but just wanted you to know you hadn't been forgotten.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 28/04/2012 16:01

Good luck Peggy. I was married to an alcoholic and, despite support from Al-anon, I had to leave.

He got cancer, but it appears to have saved his life. He's sober AFAIK and is marrying again this year.

MilitantMammy · 03/10/2012 15:08

I've just had my first meeting with Mediation service (here in Ireland) and wonder if I am being really naive in thinking my alcoholic husband will be willing or able to amicably leave us and to honour what's agreed in mediation. I am already worried after 1st session where mediator advised to try and keep alcohol out of the discussions about separation that we have with our kids. The main reason I want him to leave is that I don't want kids to see living with addiction as acceptable way to 'waste' 20 years (more) of a life. Anyone used mediation and how did it go, do they really get the whole addiction thing on top of the marital problems?

Wilson235 · 26/11/2014 09:05

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