HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

STAREXPAT: Thanks, its amazing how, when you think you are doing so well, you can put yourself back so easily. I will get there though.

The weekend went OK. DD1 was out with a friend for the day, H took DS and DD2 out for the day as football practice was cancelled. I went out and had a bit of 'me' time - when I got back I found H had cleaned the DC's school shoes, cleaned out the hamsters and was doing jigsaw puzzles with DD2?? He waited for DD1 to get back and then left for BBs. Was detached. It was hard. I WILL get there.

ANNIEGETYOURGUN: I agree - thanks.

LIFEMOVESON: Thanks - I know, you must feel like banging MY head against a wall to get through to me. I feel like that too, a lot of the time. I know deep down I need to detach, move on etc. I know. But its still so hard.

I want you to know though that your kind words are NOT in vain (although they may seem like it!). Please keep posting - I really need you (and all the other ladies) to (try) to keep me on track. The support you have all provided has been invaluable - I will probably never meet any of you BUT you do feel like true friends (and I tell you lot a damn sight more than I tell my RL friends tbh!).

Glad you enjoyed your meal with your daughter - was actually looking at them in M&S today - might treat DDs to one (keeping the pink bubbly for myself of course!) Thanks again x

I've lurked on your threads and feel that others are giving you excellent advice. Much of it so compelling as it comes from their own experiences.

Another aspect of your story is your in-laws. At the beginning you said that you were maintaining a good relationship with them - which was great.

I am wondering how that is working out now and whether its another aspect of his infidelity which has left you in a difficult position.

They may be very unhappy with his behaviour, but he is still their son. Is it complicating things for you? I can't help but feel they will be scared of losing their GCs, but if you are going to move on, they will have to start to recognise that you and your DCs are effectively a unit separate from their son.

Solost - it is so hard. But here's a thought for you - actually, your H has no right to treat you the way he used to, with familiarity etc. He should be more distanced himself - and if he isn't, then that is because he thinks he still has a place in your home.

Does he try to give you hello/goodbye kisses? Does he try to hug you still? He has no right to this contact and you MUST STOP IT if it's happening.

He is not worthy to touch you now, he has sullied himself and you need to cleanse yourself of that sullification (NO idea if that's a real word) completely. BE stand-offish, refuse to allow him to touch you - let him know that he is NOT welcome or allowed to do so.

Actually, I found after a while that if my exF tried to touch me, it made my skin crawl - try and cultivate that feeling.

What have you got planned for monday, btw? it's a shit day to deal with in your circumstances, I know - unless it was never a big part of your relationship but even if it wasn't it's all over the radio - so make sure you switch the radio off or only listen to Radio 4 all day! My ex-git actually left me on feb 14th, nice, huh.

ALLDOWNHILLNOW: Hi, thanks for posting.

With regard to the ILs I have and always have had a great relationship with them. When H first left his Dad asked to speak to him, H didnt tell me all the conversation they had but he did say that his Dad had said as far as he was concerned BB doesnt exist and would have no part in his life. FIL is a very proud man and although he loves his son his disappointment and sadness are apparent.

We see them every Sunday, MIL always cooks Sunday lunch for us and FIL often takes the DCs swimming in the morning or out walking in the afternoon. It is difficult though and I recognise that everytime they see us, we are a reminder of what their son has done. I know that they is saddened and disappointed by him though. His brother refuses to have anything to do with him.

MIL is lovely, and has always said that she can't take sides? (don't really understand what she means but assume she means she wouldnt side with me against her son) I would NEVER ask or expect her to do that ftr - to me it has never been about 'taking sides'.

I think they already recognise we are a separate unit, its a very good point you raised. It was FIL's birthday ealier this week and H took the DC's to see him and pass on all our gifts and cards (including mine). I didn't go with them - my choice. I telephoned FIL later to wish him Happy Birthday.

Regarding your point about whether they are scared about losing their GCs. I don't think they are and I would always reassure them that this would NEVER happen. As far as I am concerned they are the best Grandparents my kids could have, they gain so much from their relationship with them and vice versa. The DCs LOVE spending time with them and I will do all I can to make sure that will never change.

THUMB: I think he thought he was being helpful? (and I hate shoe cleaning & the hamsters are horrible feral furballs which I hate with a passion) so I was kind of grateful (inwardly of course ).

Hugs and kisses hmmm, very apt with Valentines Day coming up - he doesnt do it as I remove myself from the room when he arrives/leaves - he once gave me a peck on the head?? - does that count?? when I didnt get away quickly enough!! - I think he would you know though, if I gave him the opportunity. I am interested why you asked though.

Regarding Valentines Day, he did used to always send flowers and a card but it really doesnt bother me atm (probably will hit me on Monday!). He has sent both the DCs a card though - they arrived a bit early (this morning!). I have put them away and will pretend they arrived on Monday.

Sent DDs cards - not DS, obviously. (I sent him one - (DS NOT H before you all shout at me!).

You know what I mean!

So pleased to see you still have your sense of humour, I'm convinced that's what helped me get through it.

I remember the time my DH managed to get a peck on the cheek in without me realising what he's doing. I actually wiped my face without realising what I was doing (I don't remember that other than a feeling of rage - how DARE he kiss me after all he'd put DD and I through). Katie told me later that she was so proud of me that my distate was so obvious! Every now and then he'll lean in when he has to come over to the house ('my' house!), but on my guard now so he doesn't get anywhere near the opportunity.

You are doing the right thing be removing yourself from the room, that's what I do when he comes over to see Katie; she doesn't like that because she is very different to your DC's - she doesn't like her father at all and is only just now, 18 months on, tolerating him in very small doses. She has a difficult one coming up soon - it's his birthday and she has agreed to go out for dinner with him and the rest of his family - this means the girlfriend will be there (remember, this is not the OW, but someone he took up with 2 weeks after he left me for the OW, "the greatest love of his life" . . . god, he must have hated me so much).

Katie has told him time again she wants nothing to do with this woman (sadly we know her, he couldn't stand her the first few times we met her, she is his sister's best friend, but apparently she was the only person who listened to him and felt sympathy for him after the affair came to light ).

But I digress, just felt a little of the old anger bubbling to the surface there, and I've promised myself a nice quiet, slobbing day!! After I've done the cleaning of course!

Actually, it must be time for !

We thoroughly enjoyed our M&S valentine's dinner - would highly recommend one.

Tomorrow I have bought a valentine's card for Katie - from the cat (it is hilarious,literally "from the cat" - my DD is so funny, the cat has his own Facebook page and everyone that knows us knows him, he's quite famous around here!).

Last year, my first without the arse, I didn't really think too much about Valentine's Day, Katie and I gave each other a card without knowing the other was doing it; not too bothered by it this year either. But then I know how much the Twunt spent (or not!) on my last Valentine's pressie he gave me, compared to the diamond earrings he bought the mistress . . . such is life.

Enjoy your Sunday xxx

That's wonderful that you have worked out an adult relationship with your inlaws. It must be very difficult sometimes.

I think you are well aware of how things can change and that is my only bit of advice. You have not really gone through any of the long-term sorting out yet and thats when things become even more painful. Lawyers are involved, real issues with money arise and the implications of the quick fling suddenly become life-changing in their fall out.

I am sure that your inlaws are decent and principled. Just be careful not to trust them too much with your inner thoughts. Their feelings may change - even slightly and you need to protect yourself by keeping a distance.

Hi everyone, hope you are all OK.

Right, need some advice from you all. I am taking DD1 to a dance comp on Sunday, is quite a way from home an all day thing. Had arranged for DS and DD2 to sleep over with MIL and then for them to have them for most of the day and my mum to take them until we get back. Spoke to my mum last night and she told me she didnt really want to have them because DD2 gets so upset when she is away from me. I do know this but obviously it has been played down. Mentioned it to H today and he has offered to have them until I return (I know they will enjoy spending time with him) BUT the reason DD2 gets so upset when I leave her is because (I think) what has happened between H & I.

My question is: is it good for DD2 to spend MORE time with H? or would it be better for H to have less contact for a while? I am really confused about this, I thought DD2 was coping OK although she still cries when H leaves sometimes but she's such a little tough nut. H says he will do whatever I feel is best - we are going to talk more later this week.

Would really appreciate your opinions.

Thanks x

Um, if your mum is having them after your MIL has had them overnight and most of the day, surely your DD2 will have "got over" crying for you by then?
Is your mum normally unhelpful or is she genuinely concerned? Because if the latter, I would think her concern is at best misplaced.

I have no experience of this but it has been said before and I am sure it is right - what will help most is ROUTINE of when they see their Dad. So they know when they will see him each week and for how long.
In other words, seeing him more, randomly, because of crying/being upset is not going to help - and could set up a very bad precedent.

If I were you I'd have another word with your mum first and see if she's really thought this through or if she's just trying to get out of it. And then, if she is absolutely insistent that she can't/won't have them, you might have to ask your H (I'm assuming that your ILs have reasons for why they can't hold onto them until you get back) - I suppose it would only be for a couple of hours? But make it very clear that it is a one-off, so they don't get the idea that he will always be coming over on Sunday evenings.

THUMB: Thanks! You have confirmed what I thought. Not sure whats going on with my Mum, think shes a bit depressed about my Dad (he passed away 15 months ago).

She stayed at my house overnight a few weeks ago to babysit whilst I went out and cried the whole time (she was still up at 1.00am whent I returned) - think she shook Mum up a bit!!

I wont ask her again, she was genuinely upset and felt she couldnt do it. Will make sure DD2 is aware that its a one off.

At least H seems to be pulling his weight re: the DC's!

Thanks again

Hi Solost

I tend to be a lurker but have posted here before on a Childcare related issue.

My feeling is that you should make a decision on this issue (whatever you decide) yourself and then communicate with your H. You now have the main responsibility for the DCS and you know what is best for them.

For what it's worth I cannot see how your H staying back in what is now no longer his home can be anything other than confusing for the DCS. To be honest I am not sure that him continuing to see them there at all is any different, particuliarly as he makes himself so at home there.

I know he lives some distance away but that is HIS CHOICE and of course there will be consequences for him.

My own XH had to be stopped from seeing my DCS at home for a period due to his threatening behaviour towards me. I agonised over this as my DS is disabled, and it was far easier for him to see him here.

I know your circumstances are different, but for the record I do think that them seeing less of him, and getting used to our new family unit at home really was beneficial in the longer term (over and above his bad behavior IYSWIM). It has not damaged their relationship with him at all. To to be honest, I think that distance actually helped them come to terms with the changes in their circumstances.

Is this an obvious question or could DD2 come with you and DD1?

If no, what thumb said.

PS. you haven't seen me here this evening

I agree that the DCs need a routine and that seeing their Dad in the family home is confusing for them. I also bristled when you mentioned downthread that he feels comfortable enough to do "jobs" around the house. That must also confuse the hell out of the DCs and it is inappropriate. It's not his home anymore.

I also can't see why they cannot remain at the PILs until you get home, unless your in-laws have got other plans?

Two things Solost.

When I asked you before why your H couldn't see the DCs at your PILs' house instead of yours, you said that he was estranged from them. However, it looks like that has changed if he took them there recently for FIL's birthday. Why couldn't he see them there more often, meaning that you don't have to see him? You could drop and collect them from PILs before and after his arrival. That would help with the detachment.

Secondly, you said you were going to come back about what people made of his "affair story". Any more thoughts or do you still think he's telling the truth?

SOlost - I understand that you don't want to upset your mum - but look at it another way. She had a bad experience with your DD2 and it may have upset her/knocked her confidence a bit - if you can say to her "Look mum, DD2 will have been away from me for ages by then, she'll have got all the upset out of her system with the ILs and will be happy to see you" it might go some way to repairing the situation and restoring your mum's confidence? Poor woman, losing your DH is hard - thinking that you can't even be any help to your DD in her time of trouble may be adding to her feelings of depression.

Just a thought - you know your mum best and whether or not this may be a factor. :)

Sorry, got my pronouns a bit mixed up there - try again:
Poor woman, losing your her DH is hard - thinking that you she can't even be any help to your her DD in her time of trouble may be adding to her feelings of depression.

I think you ought to speak to your Mum again. It's not an over night this time, she'll have DS too and there ought not to be the tears.

I dare say the crying did unsettle your mum, but if she could have a positive experience it might give her the confidence to have them again.

Fact of the matter Solo, you need a decent, reliable support network, one that doesn't always fall back on XH.

Yes of course he is their father, he wants to see them, and they him, but I worry this bailing out on child care will give him some kind of hook, some kind of thing over you IYKWIM.

Tell me to shut up if you think I'm out of order, but I just feel it would be a good idea to be able to stand alone, making fixed and regular arrangements to see H, for the time being.

Oh FFS, just pick a name AF, then we can get back to normal!

AnyBluffer.... There you go! Wear with pride!

Have patience, LMHF

I am still posting on my thread until it dies, and I can't be arsed to keep name-changing back and forward

solo asked me to swing by, and she is very persuasive

Eh?? what you on about, AF?

thumb ?

namechanging, not being here, eh? again.
not by your advice, of course!

I am safe here on solo's thread, so I don't have to keep namechanging tonight

It feels safe anyway