HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Hi Solost just wanted to say hello , my goodness the last few posts are awesome ...Cenicienta makes a good point but personally I couldnt turn back from this ..please go to the solicitor and ask about Deed of Separation. I have a feeling his reaction to you doing that will tell you a lot.

yy cenicienta, great post.

Hi solo, haven't posted here before but I've been following your threads. i also think cenicienta makes a good point- you clearly aren't indifferent to this guy yet, and i don't think it's necessary to pretend to him or yourself (or MN) that you are. I'd suggest you send him an email telling him that you don't want to hear about his relationship with BB, that if he ever did want to come back as he seems to be hinting then you would only consider it under certain conditions (he leaves her, breaks all contact, lives alone for a while, has counselling, convinces you he is serious whatever whatever) and that you only want written contact with him other than polite hellos at child handovers. This will do several things- call his bluff on the hinting that he might leave BB; give you the opportunity to refer him back to your conditions if he carries on hinting at their separation; makes it clear that you will not take him back on any but your own terms, and a reconciliation is not in any case inevitable if he did want it.

He would either have to confirm or deny that he wants to leave BB, which might stop some of the buggering about, or he'd ignore it, and you could then refer him back to your email if he carries on with the hints.

This approach has the benefit of being honest, unlike the strategy of pretending you don't care when you do. He knows you still care. But laying your cards out ike this doesn't leave you being the doormat.

I can see you taking this guy back, but you've had a taste of freedom and your own power and i don't see you putting up with him forever to be honest. I hope not anyway, but it's your life.

FRIDASCRUFFS: Thanks for posting, you are right - of course I am not over him, he was my only love and best friend for all my adult life and I am sure he knows it too BUT I am trying to move on.

During the time we spent together last week, we talked - a lot, mainly me asking questions about what happened in the time before he left, about his affair. I will go more into this when I reply to WWIFN post as some of the questions I asked were questions she asked me about the timeline of the affair etc. I will probably get flamed for doing this BUT I NEEDED to know - he did tell me everything at the time of discovery but as you can probably understand - I was so shellshocked that a lot of it didnt sink in - things were a bit 'blurry' for me back then too!

Now I am so much stronger - thanks in no small part to you lovely ladies whom I will always be so grateful to for helping me through this in so many ways.

I don't really like to think about whether I would take him back or not, there really is no point when its not an option. BUT if I did of course there would be conditions - loads of them and there would be no more chances - of that I am certain. I now know I can do this on my own and will continue to do so.

GETTINGEASIER: Thanks x

XALES: I know thats what it seems like but I don't know.

I asked him when we were away if he still thought BB was his soulmate - he said no, whether he wanted to marry her still, he said no, whether he saw himself getting old with her, he said no. He said he wished he had never started the affair, didnt know why he had? I think he was telling the truth.

LOSPOLLOS: Thanks x

THUMBDABWITCH: Thanks, I have had exactly the same thoughts. During the time H was here yesterday (which was long enough to check out a leaky toilet and wait for DS to change into footy clothes) BB rang 3 times - told H to go and call her back each time as it was obviously important. Didnt ask why but could tell he was p*** off. He always asks her NOT to call him when he is with the DC's for obvious reasons and until now she has repected that.

But solost do be aware of what I would say is the biggest danger- not that he wants to come back but that the constant drip of comments from him actually stop you moving on - but he never does come back.

As I said that's what happened to my mother - please don't let it happen to you.

Detach and go on some dates! Even Internet dating just to have some fun ...this man has treated you so badly. Dont let him steal your future too.

Make a deadline in the future of a year when you will start divorce proceedings - there has to bea point at which you completely shut the door on him.

solost it's very clear you still love this man. You're so enmeshed you can't really see him for who he is right now. He wishes BB didn't love him?! B/c then what? He could leave her and come to you b/c he can't leave a woman who loves him? Well you loved him and the DC's loved him but that didn't stop him leaving for a woman he barely knew. Yet you can't see this...

I agree with the others that you need to shut down the conversations about BB. Really shut them down, interrupt him and say you don't want to hear it.

I do think it's likely it will end with BB soon, I also think it's possible you'll take him back and then some way down the line he will leave b/c you (the two of you) won't have got to the bottom of what caused him to behave so reprehensibly. And your heart and DC's hearts will be broken all over again.

I really hope I'm wrong.

I agree nje. I know it's hard solo but detatch and then detatch some more.

You still love him, if we can tell that, so can he.

Either he is lying and keeping you dangling to stop you moving on, or it really is coming to an end and he is looking to come back.

If it's the latter you have to realise, just sheepishly letting him back, when he knew all along really he could, will in the long run not do anything, as he'll do it again.

But do you really think it's the latter? Can you see this man coming back to his old life. The proud man who thought he was so much better than anyone else. Facing the neighbourhood, the school, friends, when they all know what he has done. Really?

I think you'll find he'll me making demands on the dc's and you to up and move, for a "fresh start" to hide his shame. It will be all on his terms, as you still hold that candle to him. You have lots to think about but you do need to shut down the convo's about BB, you are still his counseller or plaything, which ever way you choose to look at it.

One thing I so wish I'd done in a vaguely similar situation (H had been sent to live with a friend but was in email contact with the OW, who was declaring undying love while he played it mostly businesslike but imho hinting at more to keep her throwing him compliments, trying to unravel the nonsense she'd told him) was to take my dictaphone and record what he was saying about her being nuts and immature etc and then confront her with it.

Then we could have compared notes about what he'd said about the both of us. Would have served him right as at that point he was treating us both badly (not that I had a desperate amount of sympathy for her, of course). I do often wonder about whether interaction with the BB, wielding proof of all his crap, would sort this out and soon.

"I don't really like to think about whether I would take him back or not, there really is no point when its not an option."

There's that line again.

:(

You're still doing well, solost. xxx

LMHF, AF & THUMB: Don't worry I am OK. I have not forgotten all the things we have discussed or H's behaviour. I can handle it - seriously!

WWIFN: Thanks for your reply. Concerning contact with the DC's, H currently sees them on Tues & Thurs after school until bedtime and Saturdays (taking DS to football and DD1 dancing) from about 9:30 til 4:00pm. This suits all at the moment, however once H starts his new job the days he sees them will become more fluid as he will often be working away for days at a time. He has often said he would see them everyday only it is a 160 mile round trip and obviously petrol costs etc.

We spoke regarding his affair during our travelling time together last week and I wanted to tell you what was said and ask your opinion on it. I know you will probably berate me for even talking to him about this BUT having spoken to you about the timelines etc. there were things I needed to know and as I said in an earlier post, although H told me 'everything' at the time of discovery, I was in such a state I only took so much information in. So here goes, and before I start I have to say I did believe H was telling the truth. He first met BB in November, never thought about her again until the first trip abroad. On this trip she was very attentive, he noticed her, they went to a restaurant (a large group of colleagues) he noticed that she hung onto every word he said, was totally taken with him. They sat together on the plane back, when they landed at Heathrow, H had more meetings and was staying in a hotel, BB was waiting for a connecting flight back North, he 'kept her company' in the bar and saw her back onto her flight - she kissed him goodbye, a peck, but on the lips. Told him if he wasnt married he would make a 'perfect husband' for her.

Then internet contact, but only work related for the next week until the next trip (5 days abroad). He admits he was looking forward to seeing her again, that he knew she was attracted to him. She asked if he would like to leave his car at her house - he didnt tell me this, admitted he felt guilty. They sat together (although travelling with others), then the rest was as he told me. The night she came outside to him drunk, he took her to her room, she came on to him, they kissed, went inside, she fell asleep on the bed, he slept in the chair, nothing sexual happened but the line had been crossed. They spent more time together. Came back together, and he arranged to meet her again the following week as they were both in the same area for lunch. And on it went from there.

He said after the initial guilt, he didnt think of us at all. At first he thought it would just burn itself out, that she would get bored and dump him but he got in deeper and deeper. It was like he had two separate lives. They never contacted each other at weekends or evenings. When we went away for two weeks he never contacted her then.

When I found out, he thought I would throw him out, tell him I never wanted to see him again - thats what I always said I would do. But I didnt and he said he felt he had to go anyway, that he deserved to leave. He told me he wished he had never met her, never started the affair with her and now he didnt know why he did.

He has always said right from the beginning he would never do it again - that he has learned his lesson, I told him that its no consolation for me is it?

Anyway thats the bare bones of it. And now I know and its exactly how you said it would be. I now know for sure, it was nothing to do with our marriage, nothing to do with me or the DC's, it was all about him and I do feel better about that. I accept there was nothing I could have done to prevent this and in fact I have learned a hell of a lot about myself having gone through it. I have found a strength within myself I never thought I had, I now know I can be alone with the DC's and manage in fact enjoy it. So maybe he did do me a favour?

Apologies for the extremely long ramble.

ABEDELIA: Having spoken to BB (twice) around the time I found out about this. I can confirm she is completely nuts. I rang her because H was going on and on about her wanting to meet the DCs because she 'cared' so much about them and wanted them to see 'what a nice person' she was. H told me to ring her and she would put my mind at rest so I did.

I just told her calmly that any decisions about the DCs were between H and I and nothing to do with her, she just screamed down the phone at me that she would be a 'BIG PART' of my DC's life and that she HAD a RIGHT to have input into any decisions because H was HER PARTNER now sleeping in HER BED and not mine. Not pretty. There was loads more of her screaming and ranting, I kept calm, reiterated my point and put the phone down.

I did ask H once why he only told me negative things about BB, he said because he didnt want to hurt me any further by going on about how fantastic she was!

Solo you dont know she is nuts. How do you know she was not reacting to months of drip feeding about how evil you are and all the things you have said?

You don't know he hasn't been playing her like he has you.

EMMYLOOPSYLOU: I see what you are saying and I do think it is coming to an end. Regarding your point about moving etc. I disagree, H takes DS to football training and DD to dancing (where a few of my close friends also take their DD's!). He even says hello (albeit sheepishly) to them - they take great delight in his obvious discomfort btw .

EMMYLOOPSYLOU: Cross posted! This was about 6 weeks after I found out!

The first time I contacted her was 3 days after discovery - she demanded I divorce him immediately, admitted she had researched how quickly we could do this (incorrectly, it turned out!). Total Bunny Boiler.

Solost, I think you are in a holding pattern until his relationship breaks down

You are letting him contribute to that holding pattern

You are contributing to it yourself by making very few actual moves to end your marriage

Like has been said many times, you are ill-prepared for when he decides he will come back to you

Perhaps a bit more than before, but not neary enough

Your last post where you talked about still "having a spark of hope" showed real warmth towards him and far too much human compassion for a man who has treated you like something he stepped in

You appear still strangely open to his emotional blackmail, and seem almost removed from it

You still talk about the prospect of reconciliation as being out of your hands

You will take him back

I am really sorry about that, and I dread the day tbh

NJE3006: I agree completely with you. But (and you lot are forcing me to contemplate this!) I would never take him back if there was the slightest chance that he would leave again, for exactly the reasons you outlined in your post.

I know that there is so much t sort out before I could ever consider him coming back.

Solost first of all, I understand why you asked him to tell you the details about the affair. You always needed some closure on that, which was why I gave you an alternative account on your other thread.

I'm glad that it has confirmed that this was absolutely nothing to do with you. It wasn't.

However, this story has got more holes than a sieve and I'm a little taken aback that you believe it. What's missing from every part of the story is what he did to make this happen. That story is a total evasion of responsibility. Compare what I said on the other thread and what he told you.

According to him then, despite meeting her in November and having several meetings, E mail interactions and phone calls with her for three months the first he knew that this was a possibility was February and that first trip abroad. And on that trip, there is no admission of responsibility about the flirting that he did, or what he said or did to communicate his availability to have an affair. And he's saying that despite him staying in a hotel when they arrived home, he "kept her company in a bar"?

At least he admits that he was looking forward to that second trip. This was the one that he set you up to fail with, asking you to come too, wasn't it? He knew you wouldn't and couldn't and knew damn well what would happen.

I don't believe he went back to her room for chivalrous "escorting a drunk" reasons and I don't believe he slept in a chair either. Depending on what day this was in that trip (5 days didn't you say?) I expect that more happened afterwards. If he left his car at her house, then he went there afterwards. He is asking you to read between the lines here and is as close an admission as you're likely to get that sex occurred much earlier than you imagined.

I don't believe that they never contacted eachother at weekends, evenings or holidays either. I imagine his phone bills would tell a different story.

Like I said on your other thread, he then continued the affair and behaved so badly so that he would get found out and sacked. You called his bluff somewhat by offering to stay and forgive, but that didn't suit his purpose at all and so his departure has now been dressed up as the only "right and proper thing to do" because of his "guilt" .

He has a remarkably vivid memory for the OW's predatory actions, but amnesia about his own. Remembers everything the OW said, but nothing about his own betraying words.

In short, I think he is still lying to avoid his own culpability for this and to put the majority of the blame onto the OW for "coming on to him" and "not getting fed up with him". Much like now really, implying that if only she would stop loving him, he could be free of this pesky woman. As Abedelia wisely notes, you'd get such a different story from the OW.

What I am prepared to believe is that he's now regretting it. But notably, that he is regretting the losses that he has sustained - not yours or the DCs and not the OW's. It's still all about him.

I'm so sorry that he still has the capacity to make you believe the unbelievable, but relieved that you have absolute proof that this wasn't about you, or your marriage.

Thanks for clarifying the routine for the DCs. I think it's a bad thing that he's still seeing them in your house. The time to see them outside of the family home is long overdue.

I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to read, but I've got to tell you how I see it. I realise some of this might be painful to read and I have empathy for that, but Solost, I would be doing you a grave injustice if I nodded at this account and failed to spot the glaring inconsistencies.

I do think you'd better start preparing yourself for the inevitable and him wheedling to come home. If this option were available, tell us honestly, what would you do?

AF: You are right about the holding pattern.

But I am a far stronger person now.

I will not just take him back, please believe this.

I talk about the prospect of reconciliation being out of my hands because at the moment it is - there is no prospect of reconciliation at the moment.

Not sure where I posted 'spark of hope' though?

Don't be too disappointed in me, I am not the same person I was 6 months ago and I know I CAN go it alone if I choose to.

solost Thu 10-Feb-11 22:48:00
MUMMIEHUNNIE: Thanks x

THUMBDABWITCH: You are right of course, I suppose I am clinging to every spark of hope. I never mentioned that last week during our walk to the O2 he said he wished that he had never started the affair, didnt know why he had and that he wished BB didnt love him.

Your words, solost

WATERRAT: Thanks for posting. So sorry to hear about your experiences with you Dad.

I will not go down the same path. For exactly the reasons you stated.

I am moving on, I know sometimes it doesnt appear that way, but believe me I am NOT the same person I was 6 months ago.

ROBBERBUTTON: Thanks! How are you doing by the way? Am going to catch up with your thread as soon as I have answered all the posts on here. Take care x

CENICIENTA: I totally agree with your post. Of course I couldnt take him back just because his relationship with BB failed - I would never contemplate that because the DC's and I are worth so much more.

SCAREDOFCOWS: He does actually encourage me to go out, is always telling me there are 'good guys' out there, even offers to babysit . Not sure what his reaction would be if I rocked up with a 25 yr old hunk at 5am though .

Tbh when he first left, my initial reaction was to shag the first person who was willing , even up the score so to speak, but now - I don't think I am ready. I look at other blokes but.... no-one rings my bell so to speak. Do you think I'm just out of practice?

AF: Sincere apologies .

Did I really write that??!! Not sure what came over me! Does sound really slushy - not intentional - will have to start previewing before I post!

Don't apologise to me, lovely

WWIFN: Thanks for your reply.

Sorry, some of the points I havent made clear.

After the meeting in November. There was no contact until the trip in February. The emails and meeting took place between the first and second trip abroad (a two week period). H said never thought about her at all after the meeting in November and didnt even know she would be going on the trip until they all arrived at the airport (there was a large group of people from different companies on the same flight).

He kept her company at a bar in the airport whilst she waited for her connecting flight.

He also admitted that if it had been any other 'colleague' that he would have put them in the lift, asked them which floor they were staying on and then pressed the relevant button and left them to it!

He knew something would happen, but thought he would go 'so far' and pull back??

He has always said btw that he takes total responsibility for the affair. That he never thought BB had anything to do with it really, it was all down to him. He told me this at the time of discovery.

You are right about his lack of responsibility though - I do see that. I am sure he chased and flirted just as much. And it was him who arranged the meeting when they returned, again he didnt have any explanation for why? But maybe it is ME who doesnt really want to hear that part? doesnt want to believe what he is really capable of?

With regard to the DC's, he does sometimes see them at home but as he is living so far away it is difficult to do anything else. He takes DS to football and the DD's out so is not here all the time and I always make myself scarce.

It may not be what I wanted to read but it is what I NEEDED to read - the truth. I am grateful that you have taken the time to respond - thank you.

Regarding your last question - it is very difficult, I am not sure what I would do at the moment but I know what I wouldnt do. I wouldnt just take him back and pretend none of this had happened. I wouldnt take him back if the only reason for his return was that his relationship with BB had failed. I wouldnt take him back for the DC's sake - I know they would be OK with just me now and that H will see them - he seems to be more responsible and wanting to be with them.

I think I need to give this more thought. I will post again tommorrow.

Thanks again.