HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Well done Solost You know, you may find that H agree's with a lot of things you suggest as he may just be waiting for you to suggest them. It may well be that he wants routine and structure too but doesn't want to be the one to say it, him having already caused you enough heartache. Also, hope you don't mind me saying but think now is the perfect time to ask him to see the children outside of the family home, strike while the iron is hot!

As for you starting to wonder whether you actually want him back, that is the point of the detachment, so that you have space to see things clearly. Up until now you have been on a bit of a mission and that may have become a habit more than something you really want. Don't be scared though, embrace it, you have so many exciting times ahead of you.

TIMEFORMEISFREE: Thanks hun. You are right about the detatchment, it does help me see things more clearly.

H is away again all week, he is going to be away quite a lot over the next few weeks so Saturday maybe the only day the DC's will see him. We will have to see how it goes.

I hope you're doing well, solost :) I had a giggle at your h wanting you to know about the BB family thing. It's just so funny how he doesn't realise how transparent he really is. No one is buying that crap. Bless him. He thinks he's clever and really showing what a "decent man" he is. ROFL

Glad you're doing well. Congrats on the 10K! X

Hi STAREXPAT,

I am doing fine, thank you. How are you doing? Spring seems finally to have sprung, the DC's are all out playing with friends, life seems....... good

Haven't seen H all week - detatchment going great, he is working away again so won't be seeing the DC's until Saturday - strangely they seem more settled now when he is not around - kind of sad how quickly they have adapted to him not being in their lives anymore. We were talking about our summer holiday and I reiterated to the DC's that daddy wouldn't be coming with us this year, that it would be just me and them - really just to check that they (the littlest DD particularly) understood and still wanted to go. Littlest DD said 'im not bothered that dad's not coming' which I thought was rather sad.

Which raises a question, DS has done REALLY well at school this week, has been rewarded etc. but I know he hasn't mentioned it to H at all, although he couldn't wait to tell everyone else (me, his grandma's and gramps etc). Do I tackle him about it, not say anything but tell H or just leave it?

Solost x

Probably just leave it but I can see the urge to tell h so he knows how well DS is doing despite him disrupting the family so much. He'd (inside, not showing at all) feel a bit stung at how great you're all getting on without him.
Disclaimer: this is not mature, well thought out advice. Wait for wiser ones

Btw I'm ok thanks! DS (2yrs) is getting a molar and really unhappy (I'm MNing in the dark!) x

Aaah bless him! I remember it well! DS (11yrs) just lost one last night how time flies! and DD2 lost her first tooth the night before! Is costing me (tooth fairy) a fortune at the moment - not sure he still believes though, think he just likes the cash!

at least he keeps up the facade of believing!

This is something that just irritates me to no end. They struggle to get these teeth -sleepless nights, crying, pain...etc.... All for them to fall out a few years later! Then, we have to pay them for it under the guise of a fairy.

I teach young children. A 7 year old in my class the other day told me he lost his tooth at lunch. When I got out a tooth envelope for him, he had to go get it from a friend he had "let borrow it"
the child handed it over, reassuring the owner of the tooth that he hadn't "taken all the blood off, so it's still good"
I was stunned. And followed it up with a lengthy talk on teeth and hygiene!

You teach 7 year olds!!!!! You deserve a bloody medal imo

Littlest DD insisted on taking her tooth into school to show her teacher!! She was sooooo pleased it had fallen out (was one of the last in her class to lose a tooth) who was I to refuse her!

I too would say leave it Solost, all in the name of detachment. The less contact you have with H the better you will feel about your whole situation. Keep up the good work

Aww that's sweet! (as long as you packed it in a sealed bag or similar ).

No medal needed. I love it! :)

Gorgeous day today here. So nice to lose the coat for a bit.

TIMEFORME: Thanks, am going to leave it!

STAREXPAT: Sealed bag - of course

Had two of DD2's little friends round for tea a couple of days ago - took me 3 hours to tidy up after they had gone!!!!!

Enjoy the sunshine - will probably be snowing by the weekend!

That's good! I think when you are questioning whether to contact H or not ask yourself if you would be contacting him for the right reasons or if it would be simply to have some contact with him. Sometimes we can look for excuses to contact an ex when really it would be best not to.

I must say though Solost, your posts are sounding much brighter, you are coming across as more happy and relaxed. It's good to see

i really feel for you. My BF husband is having an affair at the moment and it's really torn her to pieces. SHe's getting over it now - it's been 9 months, but it was terrible to see her so distraught. The effect on the children was awful too. Wishing you all the best.

Hi Solost

hows it going ?

Just read about your dilemma on whether to tell him about ds' success at school. My dc are 12 and 14 so quite capable of telling my xh that sort of thing for themselves but they dont. I personally think its mostly because they forget by the time they see him after whatever it is has happened.

I do encourage and remind them to tell him and always give him copies of their school reports and I think he appreciates this.

My thinking is anything that keeps ties between them strong and helps xh have a handle on their lives is a positive for them.

Sometimes there can be such a fine line between detachment and not doing what is best for the dc. Personally even back in the heartbreak days when I was in touch with xh about something to do with the dc I know it was towards building as strong a relationship between him and them as possible not finding an excuse to contact him.

How are things overall now Solost ?

Have you got any further with thoughts for the future in terms of staying in your house (sorry I dont remember the detail of that side of things) and filing for divorce ?

Your last posts sound chirpy and happy but I remember well how at this stage of the road to recovery there are some low days which feel frustrating because you thought you were ok feeling so moved on and then bang ! I hope you arent getting too many of those .

Solost are you doing ok ?

Hi Gettingeasier,

Sorry for not responnding to your earlier post. The easter hols are in full swing and I am trying to cram in sleep-overs, days out etc. with my various jobs - quite a juggling act!!!

Thanks for your advice re: the school stuff. You are right the DC's (especially DS) are REALLY forgetful, I do pass on school reports etc. and we did do parents evening together. It is difficult though, a fine line between detatching personally and making sure the DC's don't detatch, but H is still on his best behaviour, phoning on time, visiting on time basically bending over backwards to 'do the right thing'. H even texted me the other day to check whether it was OK to buy DS a pop up goal thingy that he really wanted!

Overall, the detatchment is going well, is helped by the fact that H's new job takes up all his time and he has only been able to visit once a week for the last couple of weeks and then on the Saturday. I feel like I've reached a bit of a plateau (not a bad thing), am just relishing the even keel of my life at the moment, (no BB dramas etc). I have booked a holiday for myself and DC's, but not told H yet, I think that 2 weeks away from everything here will do us all some good.

H told me he didn't want us to move, that he would continue to pay for everything, that he didn't even want any of the equity, that as far as he was concerned, the house was ours. And so although I am aware that things will change in the future, for the moment I am letting things take their course. I just don't have the stomach for solicitors etc. at the moment, trying to enjoy the relative calm for the first time in 8 months.

"H told me he didn't want us to move, that he would continue to pay for everything, that he didn't even want any of the equity, that as far as he was concerned, the house was ours. And so although I am aware that things will change in the future, for the moment I am letting things take their course. "

GET THAT IN WRITING! PLEASE!!!!!

Ditto Hissy - that's exactly what I was told by my H first - he sooned changed his mind once his solicitor had got on board.

Please - just be very, very careful, ok :)

Actually, I know someone in this situation and her H continues to pay for everything/support her and they are not yet divorced 2 years on. But, he has enough money to do that and have loads leftover for his posh flat and similar lifestyle.

He'll grow tired of BB having such a hold over him, financially over time ... unless he's just so madly in love with her that he'll not mind or notice.

(starexpat namechange)

He's far more likely to tire of Solost having a hold over him financially. And I wish you would tire of being beholden to him, for your survival Solost.

Solost: I have read this thread all the way through, dipping in and out of it over the last few days. I hope you are ok, and of course your dc are paramount.

However, I do think that you would have H back if he was to ask you to.

That is none of my, or anybody elses business, only you can decide this. But your posts do show that are finding it hard to detach. Personally, I can't understand this, but we are all different.

You really do need to do as advised, and stop blaming OW, and blame him. Remember, she owed/owes you nothing, he owed you everything. He, and only he, is at fault here.

Regarding the finances, I totally understand that he should be supporting you and kids. He is doing this, more than the amount he needs to be, from what you say. But please weigh up carefully the price of your freedom and moving on. If you proceed with a divorce, which covers your outgoings, and leaves the kids adequately provided for, then you will be able to move on. You will force him to accept that it is over. This will I think, give you pride and independence, and will allow you to detach fully, lick your wounds and move on. A few extra quid a month is great - but right now it's keeping you in a cycle which you seem unable (or unwilling)to break. Or, of course, you want him back - which is fine, if you want that. Personally, I couldn't or wouldn't have him back, but its between you two.

Perhaps if you dig deep and ask yourself why having him pay more than he should (and of course he pay what is due - his behaviour has been/is pathetic), is better than being okay financially and free to move on, to get things behind you, instead of being constantly in the same situation you are in, for another few months/years, then may be you be able to be honest with yourself.

I'm not judging you, and I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but it really isn't healthy for you to be in the situation you are in. Your kids need you well and healthy - they need to see a mum who has enough self respect to sort this out - force the issue if need be, and move on. For all your sakes.

Good luck.

Sorry I lost touch with you for a while. How are you doing, solost?

Hi plupaschalrelief,

I am doing OK. I havent been posting as things seem to have settled at the moment. H has been really busy with his new job so has struggled to see the DC's during the week as he has been working away/abroad for most of the time. I have stuck to the Tues/Thurs routine and it seems to be working OK. The DC's seem more settled having a (sort of routine). He still sees them all day Saturday, takes them to their various hobbies and out for lunch etc.

I have booked a summer holiday for us (am quite nervous about taking the DC's abroad alone tbh), I explained to them that Daddy wouldn't be coming and asked if they would be OK with this and the seemed fine. We are going to the same place we went to last year as they had such a fab time and also I know how to get there etc. H seemed a bit thown when I told him, I don't think he really thought I would go alone but I figured its something I need to do.

So in summary, I am getting a handle on my 'new life', trying to move on. Life seems to be getting easier, sometimes now I look back on when H was here and it seems like a lifetime ago. I was reading a thread yesterday about someone asking whether it seemed unreasonable not to want their new DP to be part of the DC's lives and that kind of summarises where I am at the moment, I am happy with my own 'little family' and can't ever imagine introducing anyone else into the DC's lives. Today for example, I took the DC's to the local fair - we had a blast! scared ourselves silly on the rides and spent a fortune trying (and failing) to win a cuddly bear! Didn't miss H at all!

How are you doing? Hope you had a great Easter weekend.

Solost x

Solost (StarExpat here)
Sounds like you're doing well! Great news about the summer holiday :) also good that H is sticking to a routine for the kids.

Dc are moving on as well, aren't they? (not bothered about H not going on holiday). They understand the new circumstances and are still happy, loved children.

That's brilliant Solost, I am so pleased to read this, well done you! [busmile] x