HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Solost I understand what you are saying but you wouldn't be preventing H from seeing the children, circumstances would. My ex works long hours and up and down the country and I was doubtful that he would arrange his schedule around his contact days, I fully expected that he would let DD down but he hasn't, not once. He makes it work.

I think Solost that you need to put it to H that you would like some routine both for yourself and the children and let him come to you with a proposal for contact, one that he can manage with his workload, if he is the one to establish it then he is less likely to have to switch and change. We even have set times for phone calls to DD and that isn't to punish her father in any way, it enables DD to get on with her own routines and know exactly when dad is ringing. I was just the same as you, I wanted DD to be able to see her dad whenever she wanted but trust me, the contact schedule has been a godsend and the more you detach from your H and start building your own life I am sure you will feel the same, the stronger you get the less you will want him popping up whenever and wherever he pleases.

As I see it you have been far more than accommodating of his needs and now, in order for you to find out who you are, you need to start putting yourself first. You aren't letting your children down by doing so, you are doing them a massive favour.

TIMEFORME: Thanks, its a good idea about letting him come to with a proposal for contact. I will let you know. We have also, from the day he left had set times for phone calls to the DC's and he has never let them down (also I know when never to pick up the phone). And you are right they know when 'Daddy' is phoning and I see that the routine is good for them.

"you would like some routine both for yourself"

put it as "you and the DC need", and you will feel better saying it.

BTW, I'm sorry for the excessive bolding in my last post. I only intended to do a couple of words, and I ended up "shouting" instead - oops! Sorry all.

Thanks Plupedantic, am going to get all this ready to put to H.

I would also like to say one more thing. I am now almost 14 months down the line from the end of my relationship. I left my ex as it was an abusive relationship so the circumstances were different to yours however, despite the fact it was an abusive relationship it has taken me a good twelve months of determination and hard work on myself to thoroughly detach. He treated me badly and I didn't want to be with him but it still took me all those months to feel indifferent to him. He did inadvertently help me by continuing to be a git and not acknowledging my presence, by totally blanking me, I don't think your H is doing you any favours at all by remaining so close to you, sharing information about his new life or even his weekly schedule. What you need right now is space, you need space away from him for a good while, until you have established yourself, while ever he is hanging around and treating you like his friend he is preventing you from moving on. I don't think a person can be 'friends' with an ex while there are still feelings involved.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is that at just seven months down the line I think you are heading in the right direction, it does take time to detach BUT you do have to make a determined effort to do so, it won't just happen while ever he is a constant in your life. He can still be a good father to the children while keeping his distance from you. You have other things to think about, like your exciting new future!

You won't regret it Solost

TIMEFORMEISFREE: Thanks for sharing your experiences with me. Its good to know that things will get better. I think you're right, it would be easier if H had been a git or our marriage had crap. And that fact that H still seems to want to be close/share infor does make it more difficult.

I know I need to detatch more and it seems to be one step forward then two back and its like I said earlier, the fact that I have been with him for all my adult life, have never been alone, I suppose part of me is trying to hang on to the familiar, the future seems so scary sometimes. But thanks to people like you I have hope that things WILL get better. Thank you x

I totally understand Solost. I had been so unbelievably controlled that the future petrified me and I think that is why I had to work so hard to detach because in one way it would have been less scary to go back. I didn't want to be a single parent having to struggle alone with everything, I didn't want to have to leave the lifestyle I had and survive on benefits, I didn't want to have to find a job that would mean putting DD in childcare, all those things scared me sick! but you know what, now, all these months down the line life is exciting! I have gone from strength to strength and all those things that made me ill with worry and kept me awake at night are all a part of that excitement. Looking back now I had no need to be afraid at all, everything is working out great and I am so glad that I stayed strong and pushed myself forward. I actually love myself for the first time in my life!

I do believe that your H could be staying close to you and behaving like a friend because it helps to alleviate his guilt. Of course he cares about you, he doesn't want you to hurt or suffer but that is because it makes him feel better. I do wonder if the fact you are so accommodating is giving him the message that you are accepting and perhaps approving of his behaviour. Once you take a step back, truly start to detach and show him you are pulling away from him then he will get the message that you do not accept or approve, that you are reclaiming your life from him and he is on his own with BB whether he likes it or not!

I promise you Solost, things will get better. You just have to want them to and actively work towards making them better. And you can do that!! xx

And yes, letting go is scary and it brings about a great sadness but gosh, it is oh so liberating.

TIMEFORMEISFREE: Thank you x

You are welcome Solost x

But SOLOST what are you going to say about the "base camp" issue?

Agreeing a rota of set days is only part of the solution here. I also think you are doing his worrying for him. He's a working parent - he will have to make it work, just like all working parents manage. If that means the job he's taken doesn't give him enough time with the DCs, then he's got a choice hasn't he? The same worklife balance choices all of us have to make. If I hadn't set up my business when my DCs were young and had continued working 12-hour days so that I hardly saw them, that would have been a choice wouldn't it? If I was separated from my H and he was the primary carer, then I wouldn't choose to live 100 miles away and take a job with long hours, travel and evening wine and dines, I assure you. And I certainly wouldn't expect my H to fret about my schedule, especially if I'd treated him and the DCs so badly. You really need to reverse this situation more and ask what you'd make of this situation if your H was a woman who'd buggered off.

So I'd ask him to pick the (same) days that work for him and see if they work for you and the DCs. Remember to rotate the weekends too. As far as the DCs go, I would explain that now that Dad has started his new job, it's a good thing to get into an established routine, so that they know the days they are going to see him. Explain the benefits to them of knowing ahead of time and being able to arrange their social lives around their time with him. They'll also know lots of children who do this - as I keep saying, your arrangements are the aberration here.

But all this still won't be enough if you allow him to keep picking up the children from their home and returning at various points when activities have finished. Whatever you say, I'm pretty sure he does come into the house and can't imagine that he has gone from doing odd jobs in the house, to not stepping over the threshold, in such a short space of time.

He'll have to make the base camp work for him too, won't he, once you force the issue? It will be his problem to sort and that will make him confront the choices he's making about where he lives.

The DCs will be fine Solost. It's you who needs to take this leap - not them.

Hi Solost

I have followed your thread though seldom post and just wanted to say I think you are doing brilliant, even taking into consideration your blips and stuggles to disengage.

I rarely post because it's easy to see what needs to be done when it's not your life or your choice. Although I am very determined and strong willed, I also hate change, especially change that's been foisted on me. Typical Taurus I guess I think in your shoes I would have been paralysed.

Well done for sticking with it, especially when truths are hard to hear. You sound stronger every post. I'm rooting for you.x

WWIFN: Am reading and digesting - thank you.

PERFUMEDLIFE: I also hate these changes, that keep on coming which I have no control over. Thanks so much for your support x

Hi Solost, sorry about the previous outburst. I can see though that he is still treating everything as though you are still married and you must make way for the big career, which makes me cross. All very well if you are functioning as a team and will get mutual rewards, but that isn't the case here. You will be getting, what, 25% maintenance eventually once the current guilt payments stop, so stop selling yourself so cheap!

You need to be able to have certainty of childcare etc so you can plan time out, dates and so on. Otherwise, if he gets wind you are getting close to someone else or slipping from his grasp in another way, a lot of 'working away' may suddenly materialise :)

And I agree wholeheartedly with the idea that he is treating you like a friend to stop himself feeling guilty - he is kidding himself that you have a 'good relationship' despite the hideous pain he has caused, and you are enabling this by playing along with it, even though it is killing you inside. Just a thought - making change is a lot easier to deal with than living with another person's changes, you know.

How are you doing, Solost?

Hi Abedelia & Starexpat,

Am doing OK, still practicing the art of detatching. Not spoken to H this week, so seem to be getting there.

Will see him tommorrow though so am planning to tackle the 'childcare issues' then.

Solost x

Well done Solost, keep up the good work. I hope today goes well for you x

Thinking if you this weekend and hoping that he comes up with a plan for child care.

Happy mother's day solost and all other mothers on the thread :) I hope your dc are being lovely to you today, solost.

I'll bet H has outdone himself. My friend's H does this sort of thing... Pouring on how fabulous and what a great mother she is, then returning to ow, guilty conscience eased and feeling justified - she's left feeling hurt and confused. :( I hope this isn't the case for you. I hope your day is lovely!

Yes Solost Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day solost

(hope you know who I am - pm'd you! x)

TIMEFORME, DONTDISS, STAREXPAT, GETTINGEASIER:

Thank you, and happy Mothers Day to you all

I have had a lovely? day. Did my first 10K run this morning (started at 9.00am so very early start!). DCs were up at 7 so they forgot all about Mothers Day (except DD1 who insisted on buying me chocolates last week (with MY money!!! - she's a canny one!). DD2 asked in the car 'what day is it today Mummy?!!' bless em!.

Anyway, dropped DD's of at PIL and had DS and FIL supporting me as I ran. H texted 'Happy Mothers Day and good luck for your run' - texted back 'thanks'. He had offered yesterday to come over and look after DDs but told him no thanks, I had already made arrangements.

Back soon..... DD2 just been sick!

OK, am back, sheets changed, DD showered and hair washed and settled back down, a combination of too many Mothers Day chocolates and a bad cough I think !!

STAREXPAT: No platitudes from H, he sent a card (DC's wrote it), thats it. Asked if he would be seeing his mum today, said no but he had posted a card to her. Had been invited for a meal with BB's family to celebrate but told me that he wanted me to know that he would NOT be attending, I told him it was not my business.

Regarding the childcare arrangements, have told H that he pick firm days when he will see the DC's, that they need the routine and to know which days they will see him. He agreed with me and said he will look at what 'regular' commitments he will have with his new job ie. a sales meeting every last Monday in the month and get back to me asap. I kind of chickened out with the 'seeing the out of the house will tackle that next...... one step at a time

So thats about it really. Feeling more detatched and quite scared by it tbh, am starting to wonder whether I actually WANT him back

Hope you all had a fantastic day.

Solost x

SEACHANGE: Happy Mothers Day to you too

Have pm'd you. x