HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

I may be in the minority but I don't get the impression that the H actually wants to come back. I also wonder if his insistence on paying Solost over and above what he actually needs to, leaving him unable to finance a life with BB, is exactly why he continues to do so. In my opinion he is playing a rather selfish game with both women, committing to neither of them.

Solost, I can understand why you may not want to upset the apple cart for financial reasons but I do feel that to a certain extent your H is being enabled in his game by your reluctance to be more financially independent. Are you not just a tiny bit curious as to what his response would be if he were to be served divorce papers?

Timeforme - you are not in the minority. It's what we've all been saying all along.

I also see why you wouldn't want finances from H to decrease. Above all, it keeps you in a home that you love, full of laughter and fun with your dc and is a comfortable life that you enjoy and for which you have worked hard, raising 3 dc as a sahm. Solost you have said before that this was your choice, not dh's, so I disagree with those saying that he was previously keeping you home/ in that role.

Anyway, you have worke hard to build a life that makes you happy and why should you have to move house/ have less financial comfort?

I do agree, however, that H rather likes the idea of him being "stuck" with BB as he can't afford to live elsewhere. That is so very "convenient" for him, as much as he may feign unhappiness.

If he was truly unhappy with BB and was happy in your marriage and nothing was wrong, then he'd be asking you if he could come back and attend counselling together or something. But he hasn't done that :(

It may also be that overpaying eases his guilt, as does slating BB if he feels he is making you happy by doing so. Whatever his reasons he is clearly a manipulative and selfish man who is thinking only of himself.

Lizzabadger said "You come across as someone who has an unusually high need to be told she is wonderful/perfect/compares favourably to others" well I think the same could be said of your H and that is why he behaves as he does, it's all about him Solost and not at all about you. He wants you to approve of him, he doesn't want you to dislike him or think any less of him so he does what he feels he needs to to keep you onside, it isn't about wanting you back or keeping you sweet 'just in case' it's because he can't stand to be seen as the bad guy.

Your loyalty is very much misplaced I'm afraid and if I were in your position I would now be thinking of drawing a line under this whole situation and creating a stable life for myself and my children, if even it did mean with less money and a slightly different lifestyle.

Hi all, thanks for your comments.

LIZZABADGER: Wow, do I really come across like that? I'm not like that at all in real life. I would be described by my friends as feisty, v blunt and not giving a s**t about what anyone thinks about me. I am the least perfect person I know and I am happy with that. The age comment thing, doesn't everyone want to look younger than they are? Was just a jokey thing really.

I agree with you about the counselling, this whole situation has thrown up lots of issues for me. Was wondering if some sort of family counselling would be of use for myself and the dcs?

Thanks for posting.

Will reply to all your posts later but would like to clarify, the job/career thing; I left school at 16 with hardly any qualifications, back then the 'done thing' was to get a job and earn as much as you could. I followed my friends, like you do at that age and did a few training schemes and ended up working in an office. Before I had the DCs I was a pa in the civil service but the unsocial hrs (would often still be working at 8pm) meant it was impractical for me to return to that role. Also I always said that I would want to be a sahm until the dcs were at school full time. I now work 4 part time jobs mostly for friends, that fit perfectly round the dcs, all local, and no issues if they are sick etc (I just take them into work with me).

H never held me back, in fact he always encouraged me to retrain and better myself, the problem is and has always been I never really knew/know what to do with my life, so did nothing. Now thanks to all this, I've had a bit of a wake up call, know that I definately don't want to pa again, but still don't know what to do? I know I want to be a good role model for the dcs and now they are older this is the right time, but what to do?

Am I the only one who thinks that this jerk of a "husband" should do nothing less than keep his family in the lifestyle that they had prior to his selfish, dishonest, disloyal actions? I agree he shouldn't have a hold over solost financially and this "being stuck" situation is really crap, but I don't think solost should have to scramble to get a new job and disrupt dc lives even more by suddenly putting them into childcare... I just don't think the answer is that straightforward. And I speak as a mother who works full time (well, 8.30-3.30 term time) with a 2 yr old.

Sorry, I just think this man shouldn't get off paying anything less than he is now. It's not solost or dc fault.

I don't think he shouldn't support his family but if that support means that Solost feels she can't divorce him because things will have to change then I don't think the situation is healthy, it's preventing Solost from moving on. I agree with what you say StarExpat, he should pay but the situation does seem unrealistic at the moment and surely cannot continue in this way forever. At the moment both the H and Solost seem stuck and that is due to finances. Like you say, the answer isn't that straightforward.

hi, Solost, have been away for a couple of days and come back to see your thread has taken off again

one of your comments really stood out for me when I was catching up, and, I think, sums up your current situation

H is away next week again so will get some headspace

why ?

if you can explain why someone who doesn't even live with you, but lives with another woman being away "gives you headspace" it may explain a few things

you are not detached, not by a very long way

I totally agree with PA. I also agree with WWIFN that you don't seem any further on than you did some months ago, I know you said you do feel you have moved on but maybe it's just that you have come to accept the situation and are living with it. If you had detached in the true sense of the word then you wouldn't need H to physically go away for a week to have headspace, your head would be fine whether he were around or not.

Solo. Communication in an internet forum, often posted when at a low ebb, may not accurately reflect your life and personality. However, people try and help and offer advice based on their interpretation of what you have written. Obviously little is black and white in real life, shades of grey are far more common. There have been some fantastic posts here and some very piercing comments. I worry that some may appear judgmental especially if you are feeling low when reading.

If this is so please take a couple of minutes to read your earliest posts that were so full of pain, and then those that reflected how numb, paralyzed and pretty bloody close to useless you were when this all started . Now see how far you have come!

Whether you would have him back or not is currently irrelevant - he has not asked. So keep on moving on. I think it is good advice to get finances formally sorted before any guilt/goodwill he has runs out (or before BB really starts ruling his life). Other than that POISE at all times. You will then have few regrets about your own actions/words whatever happens.

x

PS getting close to the end of the month - what treats have you created for yourself?

DONTDISS: Thanks x

Agree completely with you comment re: H coming back, regardless of what is coming across on here, I don't think about it - it is irrelevant, I am just concentrating on being as good a mum as I can be for my DC's (and trying to hold everything together as a single parent!! )

I did feel low, then better, now a bit low again - am a bit concerned about how I appear to be coming across on here, kind of shocked that people think that "You come across as someone who has an unusually high need to be told she is wonderful/perfect/compares favourably to others". Didnt think I had any need at all to be told that tbh!

Your comment about 'poise' is good, one of my mantras is to try to treat others as I would expect to be treated myself.

OK, regarding the treats, hair cut etc tommorrow (but really a necessity rather than a treat to cover the grey bits!!). Am in the process of booking our summer holiday. The other thing I have done is set myself a list of 'challenges' (not sure thats the right word), things I always intended to do but never got round to - am giving blood for the first time tommorrow and running a 10K race next Sunday.

TIMEFORMEISFREE: I kind of agree, but how long does it take to detach from someone you have lived with/known all your adult lift (27 years)? I am hoping that the more I try to detach the more I become iyswim.

PETE: The headspace comment. What I meant was it is easier to detach when he is not around. Its easier to to be alone with the DC's, to deal with them myself. I like going to watch DS play football and see the DDs dance as well as H. I don't like to share them I guess.

STAREXPAT/TIMEFORMEISFREE: Its a dilemma. Part of me thinks, yes, of course H should keep us in lifestyle we had prior to his affair, why should we suffer because of what he has done. But I see timeformeisfree point also. Think I need a lottery win

...then stop facilitating him having all the good bits

Solost to detach is hard, really hard, it is something you have to do with intent and purpose. You would need to establish boundaries, rules and routines and have as little contact with H as is possible for a good while. You have to separate yourself from him entirely. To be detached you would not be engaging in conversations about his life, the only conversations you would be engaging in would be those concerning the children. You say it's easier to detach when he isn't around, well that is because you haven't yet detached from him, what you may have done is distanced yourself a little but that isn't the same. To detach you really have to want to do so and I'm afraid you do have to be purposeful about it. It is painful in the beginning but it does get easier and I am sure you will find that the more you detach the stronger you will become and the more you will want to reclaim your own life.

What you need Solost is to sit down and work out exactly how much maintenance you need from H to be able to survive and then ask for that amount. Then you need to serve him with the divorce papers and start living your life. While ever you are wasting your time on this man some other lucky bloke is missing out!!

ANNIE: I agree completely. And I know thats what I need to do, thats what I am trying to do, thats what I thought I was doing. I am moving on, booking holidays, trying to sort my life out, just small things at the moment - one day at a time. I think what some people dont appreciate is, how HARD it is, for me anyway. I was thinking earlier, in some respects it seems like it all happened yesterday and in others years ago. I think the point I am trying to make is that, it really is like my life has been turned on its head, everything I thought, my entire future has not turned out as I thought it would. I was so happy with how my life was going, so lucky - no major problems, 3 beautiful DC's, I guess I took it all for granted. Then in the space of one day, everything changed. I could never put into words how that feels, my life was suddenly in freefall I had no control anymore.

I think the point I am trying to make is I am still trying to make sense of everything and to find a new direction and future for me and the DCs, but obviously part of me still looks back at what I had and wants everything to go back to 'normal'. I know deep down, that aint going to happen and the future is scary and uncertain now but I am trying to get through this, I really am.

Would you say that you are enjoying the moving on Solost or would you say you are going through the motions of moving on, because you feel this is what you should be doing. I just wonder if you are reluctant to let go of your old life and not quite ready to really move on yet. I know it's a difficult one but I do feel that if you were to get the financial side sorted out you would feel empowered and that would make it easier for you to find a new direction, I don't think you will find your new direction until you are detached from your H and truly going solo!

Again Solost, all I can say from experience is that actual distance is the only way to go. Practical solutions help, I think with emotional detatchment.

It will be difficult, not easy and breaking a lifelong pattern for you both but stop talking to him. If needs be, in the meantime make all arrangements via email/text. Hand DCS over and say Hello/Goodbye. If you are at events with DCS sit/stand elsewhere. All of this will help reinforce the changes to DCS, him and most importantly you.

Bloody bloody hell! Was in the middle of a very good post and my laptop refreshed due to a compatibility view problem and lost it!

GAH!

OK - quick version - Solost, you have moved on a little. You need to keep moving on and it's an uphill struggle with boulders in the way. You current boulder is needing to formalise stuff, be it child access arrangements, finances or actual divorce - you need to start attacking that boulder. You can't skirt around it, you need to go over it.

I know it's hard, my life was turned on its head too and I felt utterly lost for a few weeks (no DC made it easier) and he was still playing mind games with me ~4m later - but only once did he give any hint that he'd made a mistake and that sent me arse over tip again.

What I woudl like for you to do is think ahead a year - where would you like to be in a year's time? still relying on H being in a kind mood, or everything tied up tight legally so he cannot back out of anything?

Chances are in a year's time, if you don't keep pushing ahead and doing that uphill thing, you will be in exactly the same place as you are now - and that would be a really bad thing.

So - keep pushing on. Don't stagnate, push for the changes that are going to be inevitable.

And as for the headspace - that is entirely up to you to create, wherever your H is at the time.

The point about getting legal action started is to protect yourself and the DCs. The emotional side is a different matter. You may not have moved on, but he has moved out, and that is an unstable situation because it's potentially not sustainable.

Hello - not posted for ages but keeping up with the thread. I moved out to give my man 'space' didn't know at the time that he was involved with OW. He's now moved in with her, the family homes mortgage is in his name and at first he promised me he would always be fair ( 50/50 split of the profits after sale) I paid the deposit for the mortgage, worked PT for 13 years we were together so I could spend time with our DC and still contribute to the household income.

Now? The family home is empty, he won't let me move back in with our DC...and he told me last week that he would be taking the majority of any profit from the sale because "You working part time and staying off with the DC was YOUR lifestle choice and I earned 3 times as much as you so I will take most of any money"

Take heed, they lie, they change their minds and cheating scumbags think of themselves. Always.

Get something official sorted now.

• I still want him to realise what he's done to me and our girls and come on bended knees to beg forgiveness.... But only so I can listen, nod and then smile sweetly and tell him to bog right off.

Actually, I think everyone does understand that this is really hard Solost, hence we have made significant investments of time on your threads. I also completely understand that this wasn't how you thought your life was meant to be. But your respondents would be doing you an enormous disservice if they didn't tell you what they see in your H's actions and your response to that. I expect all of us are parents too and we always think of the effect of all this on your DCs.

I disagree about poise. It's yet another attribute I never hear valued in a man. I'd rather see contempt and anger with the person who's responsible for all this, but you always seem angry with the OW and not your H. You might say you're angry with him and that you were furious in the early days, but it's never come across on these pages.

I also notice that what sometimes happens on your threads is that we seem to be making headway when we raise yet again the need to get the finances and DC contact formalised and this then gets lost either by lack of updates or some other diversion.

So I just wanted to ask you again Solost. What are you planning to do about where and when he sees the children, formalising the finances and taking no interest in his life?

Oh yes, I doubt anyone would mistake this for an easy situation. I also don't think anyone would mistake you for a stupid person - you just so clearly are not. Bear in mind, though, that on this very thread are a whole bunch of equally intelligent, sensible women who have been taken for the same ride that you are now, whose apparently loving decent husbands have used the very same words to manipulate them; who have, in short, been the same mug and would really like to spare you some of the fallout as far as possible. (Not me, since as far as I know XH never cheated; I was taken for a different sort of mug! I still fell for similar mind games that are only transparent in hindsight.)

You've been in the habit of trusting this man for the greater part of your life. It's a huge adjustment to realise you simply cannot. Kind of like learning to walk on one leg. Your default setting is believing what he says and expecting he will put his family first. Occasionally he gets a little clumsy and says something that makes even you go "oi oi, what's going on here?", but then he backpedals and turns back into Mr Reasonable. And of course you buy it because it's what you're used to seeing. Meanwhile though, what is going on behind the face he presents? Cruel though it is to keep pointing it out, regardless of what he says, how psycho she is, how nice his home life was, how much he misses the DCs, how much he wishes he hadn't done what he did; every night he heads off to sleep with Psycho Woman, not to his loving family and comfortable (former) home. He is, by choice, an item with a woman he purports to have little respect for. Somebody somewhere isn't quite on the level, are they?

Oh, he could behave a lot worse, certainly. But then he would blow his own nice image and that could make things sticky. Just because he wants to carry on having the benefit of children loving him and wife accommodating him does not necessarily make him a decent fellow - just one who plays a longer game.

WWIFN: Am giving your post serious thought. But just want to ask you about part of it regarding H seeing the kids. As I mentioned earlier, he sees them on Tuesdays and Thursdays, not in the house and Saturdays. But his work means that he is not always available on the weekdays, for example this week he is away or travelling and therefore will be unable to see them until Saturday. Do you think it is OK to alter the days to suit him if his work prevents him seeing them on his allocated days or should I just stick to the agreed days? Also, for example DS has a problem with his bike and I overheard him asking H if he could sort it out for him, what do I do about that without appearing to be obstructive? I guess what I am trying to ask is do I ban H from EVER coming inside our home again?

Could you give me some guidance on what you think is acceptable and what is not.

Thanks for sticking with me.