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Original poster

discovered my dp's porn obession

156 replies

tahlulla1986 · 08/02/2011 07:17

Hi. Last week whilst on my dp's laptop I came across a lot of video files. Curious I looked at a few. They where all web cam images. Some were of women touching themselves, others where he was using online chat with the video telling these woman what to do. There was even one I found of him having 'cybersex'. Some dating back a few years but some very recent when we spent a few rare nights apart. Like 2 weekends ago when I went to buy my wedding dress. I knew he liked dirty chat rooms when we first got together but when we began to get serious I told him I didn't really like him doing it and so he said he'd stop.

When I confronted him he said he didn't know it would hurt me so much, if he had he wouldn't have done it. He's promised me that he won't ever do it. To save our relationship I have to believe that he's telling me the truth but I'm going to struggle to trust him. I'm working tonight and I'm scared of what he'll get up.

I really want to make our relationship work as does dp, he says he'll do anything to make it better. We due to get married in just under 5 months. I have 2 dsc with him and after theyre mother died look to me as their mum and feel that leaving isn't really an option.

Has anyone been through similar and come through it?

Sorry its so long!

OP posts:
Ragwort · 08/02/2011 07:24

Sorry to be blunt but I think he is highly unlikely to stop - you asked him to stop before and he said he would but he lied to you; he is doing this now when you relationship is probably still (fiarly) new and you are both presumably looking forward to getting married. He will just get better at hiding it from you.

I would seriously consider whether you want to stay witht his man or not, do not allow guilt over his children's situation to influence your opinion.

Anabellesmumanddad · 08/02/2011 07:39

hm....

in my opinion there is a big difference between just looking at porn and engaging in active stuff with people.

If he was just 'looking' I would say could this be a case of 'what you pretend you don't know, won't kill you?'

in some cases couples exist within a bit of white lying. He pretends he doesn't look and you pretend you believe him.

But this is a case of him actively engaging in sexual activity with other people outside of the relationship without your consent.

Is this something that you would ever giving your consent for?

Or can you discuss what it is he likes about it and perhaps pull those things into your own relationship?

I do agree with the previous poster that if you marry him it is very likely that he will do it again. (I don't believe him when he said he didn't know it would hurt you so much).

Question is, if it happens again (and it probably will) can you deal with it once you're married? Is it a dealbreaker?

AnyFucker · 08/02/2011 09:36

You are marrying a liar.

Go right ahead if you are happy to live like this, with no trust and no respec for you from him

At the very least I would be postponing the wedding, I just couldn't marry a man like that, sorry

I dread to think what he might feel entitled to do once the babies come along and you are exhausted/not giving him 110% of your attention...

findingthepath · 08/02/2011 09:54

I would leave the relationship because he has lied. How can you turst him if he does not think there is anything wrong with it?

Can you be married to a man that lies to you and watches porn?

anais53 · 08/02/2011 10:33

Watching porn is one thing but actually engaging in the way he has is another. I think it's loathsome. Agree with the others, he's lied once about stopping it so he's likely to do it again.

Do you really want to marry a man who talks to women online in this way to fulfil his sexual needs? How can you bear to let him touch you?
It's great that you feel so close to his kids but HE'S the one who's letting them down.

NotEnoughTime · 08/02/2011 10:35

I second AnyFucker and findingthepath. Sorry Sadand good luck with whatever you decide.

Orissiah · 08/02/2011 14:13

I think it's unlikely he'll stop either. He "tried to" stop once before but didn't. Watching porn is not a deal breaker for me personally (I also enjoy it) but actively engaging in cybersex is definitely a no no for me and if I caught my DH doing it then it would necessitate a serious chat.

If you cannot live with him watching porn and/or engaging in cybersex then you need to step away (first have a serious chat with him but then do step away as it is up to him to change) - the issue will linger well into your marriage and become a major issue.

kepler10b · 08/02/2011 16:05

this isn't just looking at porn. this is engaging in sexual activity with real people. okay they might only be doing it because they are paid or whatever but that doesn't make it any better.

personally i'd see it as grounds for divorce if i discovered my OH doing this sort of stuff.

bubblewrapped · 08/02/2011 17:51

watching porn isnt being unfaithful, taking part in it, even if only over the internet is, in my view.

about the only benefit it has is taking away the risk of STD, other than that, it is still cheating on you.

dump him now. you have to put yourself and your future before his kids, they are his responsibilty as harsh as that sounds

MrSpoc · 08/02/2011 17:56

watching porn is not bad and most men and women enjoy watching it (its not every ones cup of tea)

But he has been on web chat sites engaging in sex acts etc. this to me is just as bad as cheating.

If you have a great relationship apart from this then I would not end it but discuss it and explain that it is the same as cheating. if he did it again it was over.

gobbledegoop · 08/02/2011 18:03

Agree with everyone else, this man is cheating on you. I would not put up with it, what he's doing is not the same as 'watching' porn.

findingthepath · 08/02/2011 18:09

Relateing to my earlier post - i would leave him as you are not married or have children together. If i was married to this person then i would try to give him a chance to change but i would tell him if i ever find it again i would walk.

As you are not married you have a chance to leave before it goes to far.. Leaving someone is always hard but leaving after marrage just makes it worse for me.

Porm i dont mind but the cypersex i just could not handle as it would leave too many douts as to what else has he done and not told me/lied to me about. Also i would have no turest in him and its always a bad idea to start a marrage in this way it would be doomed and you could drive yourself nuts looking for proof.

Life is too short find someone who respects you and is in love with you and who has the same values and then get married once you know you can trust and respect that man.

dittany · 08/02/2011 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

friedbananas · 08/02/2011 18:15

Personally I find the part about him actually engaging in cybersex and telling the women what to do quite disturbing and somehow that seems a bit like verging over to unfaithfulness tbh. But if you still love him and want to give him a chance, since its the first time you caught him with this, you could, if that's what you want to do.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2011 19:00

this guy is actually on his second chance, not his first offence

he promised to stop before

he didn't

no more chances (IMO)

AbsentFather · 08/02/2011 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2011 19:57

AbsentFather, fancy you turning up here

Long time, no see Smile

AbsentFather · 08/02/2011 20:04

Have been busy with the courts.

Bloody supervised contact now (any family member or friend I choose) and a CAFCASS assessment to go through. Family Law in England is a complete farce.

dittany · 08/02/2011 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2011 20:15

Are you representing yourself ?

carmenelectra · 08/02/2011 20:44

Porn is no big deal and there is absolutely no need to hide it in my opinion and I would be upset if my DP felt the need to keep it a secret.

However, THIS isn't porn, its basically cybersex(whatever that is). He has crossed a line by basically engaging in dirty talk and viewing pictures of real women. How long before he meets up with one of these women.

I would not tolerate this and abdolutely would consider it cheating. The thing is do you?

Its a shame for the kids but you have done nothing wrong.

BTW absentfather sounds like an idiot.

happiestblonde · 08/02/2011 20:51

I think you can get past it.

He loves you, you have a life together, these women are just sexual relief - I don't really see the difference in cybersex from porn UNLESS there are regular women.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2011 21:00

HB...why do you think a man might need other women to provide "sexual relief" ?

In fact, why do men need sexual relief, at all ?

It implies they cannot control their urges, and that they see women only in terms of objects to provide said "relief"

Will their balls explode if they don't get it ? Will their cocks fall off ? Will they be driven to sexual breakdown?

Would it be acceptable for you to be with a man like that, and for you to put your trust in him ?

or perhaps if they enter a monogamous relationship, they shouldn't need to be interacting with other women ?

it's a very short step to meeting OW for more of that blessed "relief" isn't it ?

happiestblonde · 08/02/2011 21:20

I agree with you entirely but I don't think it's far different to porn. If you can get past porn then you can this. If DP did this I'd feel equally betrayed.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2011 21:28

well yes, some people could get past this

I don't think they should have to though, that is what I am saying

and to have the chance to walk away with your dignity intact, before you marry this idiot....all the better