discovered my dp's porn obession

[tahlulla1986]

Hi. Last week whilst on my dp's laptop I came across a lot of video files. Curious I looked at a few. They where all web cam images. Some were of women touching themselves, others where he was using online chat with the video telling these woman what to do. There was even one I found of him having 'cybersex'. Some dating back a few years but some very recent when we spent a few rare nights apart. Like 2 weekends ago when I went to buy my wedding dress. I knew he liked dirty chat rooms when we first got together but when we began to get serious I told him I didn't really like him doing it and so he said he'd stop.

When I confronted him he said he didn't know it would hurt me so much, if he had he wouldn't have done it. He's promised me that he won't ever do it. To save our relationship I have to believe that he's telling me the truth but I'm going to struggle to trust him. I'm working tonight and I'm scared of what he'll get up.

I really want to make our relationship work as does dp, he says he'll do anything to make it better. We due to get married in just under 5 months. I have 2 dsc with him and after theyre mother died look to me as their mum and feel that leaving isn't really an option.

Has anyone been through similar and come through it?

Sorry its so long!

I honestly don't think he saw he like that. It's been something he's been doing for years and years, well before he met me. It's just something that has continues out of habit. He now understands how it makes me feel and wont do it again.

I agree that it's up to her to choose whether or not she wants to marry him.
My point was that if anyone wants a partner to stop viewing porn, it's important that you give the partner a proper explanation and state your case as to why it bothers you. If you want anyone to change any habit, you need to give them a good reason to do so ('Waah, porn is HOWWIBLE' with no further discussion is Not Good Enough).

well, sgb, it appears that OP has taken the path that neither of us would recommend

SGB, I can explain why I don't like it.

1] I want my relationships to be based on honesty, not lies.
2] I class online sex as infidelity, which is never part of my accepted relationship terms.

Unless OP is going for the bare-bones marriage contract (which is unlikely, since most people don't even realise it's legal), they're going to promise fidelity, honesty and respect. Despite knowing they're already breaking those vows and will continue to do so.

Oh, well, tallulah :(

Make the most of your wedding! Good luck.

OP read the responses then take what you want from them.

Remember typing words is easy but its your life these people are playing with.

Make you own decisions, I can agree with some but totally disagree with others.

Its up to you to decide what you want to do. All Ive got to say is .... dont DO as others suggest as it is not their life they are talking about .... it is yours .... and in half the cases I dont think they would say half what they did if IT WAS their life they were talking about.

Take what you want and throw away the dross ................ good luck !!

dross ?

whatever...

FWIW...what I say on this site matches exactly the principles by which I live my life

respect and honesty...not asking much is it ?

Hello, AFF, and welcome. You might like to know that AnyFucker's not unfriendly, btw, and also that many of us have done what tallulah is about to do. That, speaking for myself, is why I urged her to reconsider.

Speaking for myself too and I haven't looked back. Not nice sitting down to the computer wondering what fresh surprise awaited me every day, or my DCs either.

sorry to hear this OP

Porn can be highly addcitive, giving a sudden heightened release,

Try not to make DP feel guilty, he probs feels that way already, deep down
put make it clear how you feel , what you will or wont accept

Talullah, of course you can get through this. People survive worse. I think you already had made your mind up to stay,but just wanted to sound off on here. Good luck.

What worried me is those who are saying 'its just porn'. Well am I being think or something, but there is a difference.

My dp and I sometimes watch porn(dvd or internet) and its generally men and women having sex on film. That is porn. Now, how is talking explicitly online via webcam porn??

That to me is a man looking for real live kicks, not just sexual images. A man who is on is way(possibly) to meeting someone and having sex.

If my dp watched porn without me, fine, provided it wasn't a secret. Chatting dirty to a woman aint the bloody same.He would be gone.

Why does everyone on here take things so personally? I havent pointed to any particular posting when I said what I did and could someone point out exactly where I said that AF was unfriendly, im dumbfounded.

I am not however going to highjack the thread as that would be unfair.

I'm simply saying to OP to take what she wants and leave the rest.

I always find it helps to consider what your DP would do if the situation were reversed. I'm pretty sure any man I know would have a major issue with this, and it would probably be a complete deal breaker. You shouldn't be expected to put up with it because he is a man, and you shouldn't be accused of over-reacting, just because 'a lot of men use porn'. That doesn't make it okay.

Tallulah you say its been something hes done for years and years, yes that's the problem it is an addiction he has done it or similar types of porn for his entire adult life, IMO, he wont stop this you need to realise this and then decide if you and your children can live with it, that is the decision to make here, IMO, i have been through this and i cant tell you how soul destroying it is to have these heart to heart talks, tears , and promises and then 12 months later be cleaning a cupboard, wardrobe whatever and find yet more of his stuff, completely and utterly destroys the trust, and love you feel for them, it wont happen suddenly, it will happen over time, (took me 17 years to be sick of it and b4 all love etc had gone for exh)sorry but i see nothing but heartache for you unless you are confident you can make your peace with pornography being a part of your life as well,

OP needs to be clear about what she will or wont put up with, and stick to it. Boundaries are key here, IMO.
I would have been quite optimistic for the OP but when I hear he has been cyber-shagging, it doesn't look good.
I speak as someone who has personal experience of a porn-addict, who then went on to dating sites.
Can you agree to more transparency in your relationship? As math said, you dont want to be worrying about what you might find on the PC

Madameovary is right.

Boundaries are needed in a relationship(from both sides)and they must be made clear.

For me porn is totally ok and I enjoy it myself. Finding porn in the house wouldnt be a problem unless my Dp was actively hiding it.

Chat rooms, 'cybersex', shagging other women- not acceptable. Ths would work both ways. If he found out that I had been talking about sex with other men online, then I think he would see this as me on the way to having sex with another man.

It is not unreasonable to have boundaries, so long as they are clear. If one person can't keep within these boundaries and they know it will upset the other then they shoud not commmit. Pure and simple.

DH regularly looks at porn on the internet and I have no problem with that as he is not "actively engaging" with the women he sees. We also sometimes watch a DVD together and it works for both of us. I'm not sure I would be so relaxed with webcam porn where the women are doing things at the man's request etc but then is this just because it is a "new" development (i.e. the internet) and not something I grew up with?

I think the most important thing in any relationship is openness and trust - if you believe you can achieve that then stick with it.

OMG, AF has a nemesis.....

Sad really cos you can say what you like about her delivery, she doesn't stand on ceremony and is clear, concise and honest.

She also usually happens to have a bloody good point.

AFF, Understand your sentiment, ALL OPs are welcome to take what they want from this and discard wthe advice that doesn't resonate. By calling yourself AnotherFriendlyFucker is contrasting yourself directly against a highly visible and addicted dedicated poster. It somehow implies she is not friendly, which she most definitely is.

If you are new, then you have the opportunity now to remove the splinters from your arse, get off the fence and change your name to something less combative.

Stick around though, you might learn a few things.

OP, on the subject of your situation, I feel it might be worth considering delaying the wedding. Put it back a year. If he manages to stay off the Porn for all that time, and is subject to full and open inspection of his viewing history, THEN go for it.

Until he has proved beyond all shadow of a doubt that he will not have internet sex, the minute your back is turned, then tbh he is a liar and a cheat, and not worth you marrying.

Set your bar high, make him reach it. Don't settle for anything less. He has the baggage, the history, the past that will be in your marriage from day one. You will have to take on a lot more than other unmarried single couples do, so make sure the situation is well worth you being involved.

He's already been caught lying to you once, how can you take anything he says at face value.

This kind of behaviour would be totally unacceptable for me in a relationship. You should at the very least postpone the wedding until you are satisfied that he can prove he won't do this again.

The very fact of lying to you would be a deal breaker for me though.

Oh and this isn't porn, it's cheating.

As others have said HE WILL NOT CHANGE!
Oh he might desist for a while, then it will start again, it is too much part of his life to give it up completely.

Tahllula, cannot face giving up on the relationship, and I think that is understandable however I feel that this behaviour is something she will have to learn to live with if she intends to stay with him , because unfortunately, he isn't going to change!

I expect he will just get better at hiding it, mainly because the reasons he's been doing this for years, have never been addressed, either by him or the OP, each time there is a discovery. Stopping something on its own tends not to work, with any situation in life.

In a monogamous relationship on the precipice of marriage, I would imagine that it would be fairly obvious why the OP dislikes her fiance engaging in secret cyber sex and interactive porn, but SGB is right that everyone is free to exercise their own choices.

The OP's views on this would have to be pretty compelling though to change this man's behaviour, because he clearly sees nothing intrinsically wrong with it and only has fear of the consequences. If he loses fear of those too, because he knows that the next time there's a discovery, there will be another tearful showdown with no long-term consequences, this "obsession" (OP's words) is likely to get worse.

I always find it interesting when female posters come on to say that they like porn, or have no problem with their partners using it. I find that people often ask themselves why they do mind porn, but rarely wonder why they don't mind it.

I'm curious about how all the political issues about how porn is made have evaded them, or whether they have never questioned the societal discourse that women should be "cool" about porn and instead embrace it. Or never questioned why it has become the norm and acceptable for men to use porn. Why so many women delude themselves that "all men use porn" and so they should learn to like it themselves, or fight a battle they think they are going to lose.

OP, if you're still reading this, don't delude yourself that him stopping this is going to solve the problem. It won't.

My first h was/is a porn addict.

I tried to accept stuff, his rights blah blah blah, BUT when my ds was exposed to this stuff, and his father didn't seem to understand what the problem was, I left.

After I left, I found out how much of MY money he'd spent on his addiction.

Best of luck.

Porn isn't actively engaging with someone. It's a stranger on a screen, someone that you will never meet.

Chatting online with a person via webcam is waay different. The person may as well be in the room with you. You could link up and meet this person.The intention is different.

You don't usually chat to the porn stars in a film!