discovered my dp's porn obession

[tahlulla1986]

Hi. Last week whilst on my dp's laptop I came across a lot of video files. Curious I looked at a few. They where all web cam images. Some were of women touching themselves, others where he was using online chat with the video telling these woman what to do. There was even one I found of him having 'cybersex'. Some dating back a few years but some very recent when we spent a few rare nights apart. Like 2 weekends ago when I went to buy my wedding dress. I knew he liked dirty chat rooms when we first got together but when we began to get serious I told him I didn't really like him doing it and so he said he'd stop.

When I confronted him he said he didn't know it would hurt me so much, if he had he wouldn't have done it. He's promised me that he won't ever do it. To save our relationship I have to believe that he's telling me the truth but I'm going to struggle to trust him. I'm working tonight and I'm scared of what he'll get up.

I really want to make our relationship work as does dp, he says he'll do anything to make it better. We due to get married in just under 5 months. I have 2 dsc with him and after theyre mother died look to me as their mum and feel that leaving isn't really an option.

Has anyone been through similar and come through it?

Sorry its so long!

Susie I completely agree with you.For some reason many people feel their need to keep huge secrets from their partners, with devastating effects.

How can anyone enter a relationship under pretence is beyond me. Best to say 'yes I occasionally watch porn' and so long it is not the only way you can get in the mood then I suspect many women would be ok. Worse is pretending that you don't like it or not commenting either way.

I agree re:the chidren issued. How can you become involved with someone and not know their stance on having a family.

I guess some people just don't talk.I talk to my dp about everything and I am bloody glad I do!

A lot of people don't 'consider the wider issues' about a lot of things. How many of you are really committed to, for instance, only buying fairtrade clothing, and bear it in mind every time you see a lovely bargain in a high street shop? While I get the impression that a high-ish proportion of MNers do consider animal welfare when(if) buying meat, that would not always be the case for the population in general.

As to why a lot of people keep their porn viewing secret, it's usually bound up with the whole tangled mess of the way most people view sexual behaviour as a whole - fear, guilt and shame about having desires, particularly non-mainstream ones.

Keeping porn viewing secret from your partner is different from not shouting about it on the bus, SGB. (Having said that, I've never noticed any reticence about porn on the bus or anywhere!)

Also, the "porn" in this thread is cam sex. Old-fashioned as I am, I don't even call that porn - it's sex with another person, even if you can't smell or taste them (technology pending).

But people do have different boundaries about what constitutes cheating (Bill Clinton and quite a lot of other people think that only penis-in-vagina fucking is actually 'sex', for instance). So plenty of people would not consider cam sex infidelity as it involves no actual physical contact. This is why it's vital for any couple who want to have a monogamous relationship to discuss where each of them think the line ought to be drawn rather than just assuming.

It's also true that in some cases (have no idea whether it applies to the OP's situation) the porn viewer has a fetish of some description that s/he doesn't feel able to discuss with the acknowledged partner. The fetish may not be something unethical, it may just be a bit non-mainstream. Fetishes don't go away.

If we stick to the OP's problem though, her partner did know the OP's feelings on the matter. If he'd had the courage to say "I understand that you dislike it, but I'm going to keep on doing it" then the OP could have made a choice. It doesn't sound like the OP made any assumptions, other than to trust her partner when he said that he had given up that aspect of his life. However, she has been deceived again and discovered that far from the activity ceasing, it has got worse.

I don't think people hide their porn use or fetishes simply because they have confused attitudes of guilt or shame about their sexual desires. I suspect it's far more complex than that, often connected with a desire to control by having a secret and some astonishing double-standards if their partner were also sexually interacting with
a stranger online.

I don't imagine that many of those porn and webcam users have blurred boundaries about infidelity at all, since they wouldn't accept the same in their partner if the situations were reversed. Were they faced with a partner who was behaving the same way, I'd wager that the line would become startlingly clear....

Where I do agree with you though SGB is that as I said downthread, the motivation to do this never goes away, it just goes underground....again.

great post WWIFN,

Totally agree WWIFN, he has deceived his partner. She needs to postpone the wedding.

Once the trust is broken it's very hard if not impossible to get it back again, he's crossed a line.

Also, why did he feel the need if he was in a satisfying relationship.

It's as bad as having an affair imo.

Put the wedding on hold and let him prove it to you but give it long enough.

The thought of some woman whether in person or on a comp giving my partner any kind of sexual relief is revolting.

Speaking as man I think there are 2 separate issues here; the use of porn and engaging in cybersex.

The use of mainstream porn as a means of "relieving" oneself seems to me to be largely harmless to the viewer and those who they love. There is a danger that it desensitises the viewer to "normal" sex and makes them pursue more extreme viewing, but that is the same argument that people propound when it comes to drug use. Some people will go further, but most won't.

Those suggesting that the viewer is in danger of fancying the woman involved misses the fact that for most men it is the act and not the individuals that excites them.

In terms of the cybersex, then I have to agree with the majority of posters here. The direct involvement of a third party is the crossing of line that I would not be comfortable with. It depends on the nature of the relationship and everything that the OP has said would indicate this is outwith their norms of behaviour.

People can convince themselves of all sorts of things. My ex-wife used to go and spend lunchtimes with her now husband sat in the back of his car, but because it hadn't got as far as sexual intercourse she steadfastly refused to admit having an affair. I took a different view.

Ultimately, the OP will have to make up her own mind. Those suggesting the wedding be cancelled, etc. are safe in making those comments as they do not have to cope with the repercussions.

Sitting down and talking through the issues properly is my advice. Point blank telling someone that they cannot do something (e.g. watch porn) is both controlling and unlikely to succeed. Setting boundaries on what is and is not acceptable behaviour is far more likely to work in the long term and if it does not then the OP can be sure she has done everything she can to make things work.

Bobbyzee you are missing the point that it is the woman's feelings about what her partner's activities here that matter to her, and therefore to the relationship, and some pseudo-scientific explanation of what exactly makes men like porn and how basically harmless it is is hardly likely to make her 'realise' what a silly ninny she is being over something that is supposedly perfectly resonable -- what is acceptable for one person to do in a relationship despite the known feelings of the other person has nothing to do with science or rational explanations. Again here, we have the implication that someone who objects to porn is being unreasonable since it's a harmless hobby, a view that is in fact highly subjective, but expressed as a proven fact, and used in order to make someone question a perspective which is actually equally valid.

As your drug reference implies, you play with fire when you dabble in porn behind a partner's back. Not necessarily dangerous for the user personally, but for the relationship when it's found out. Same goes for drug or alcohol use or any secret that affects trust and develops from a failure to respect the other person and to respect the relationship.

Focusing on porn itself and ignoring the fact that this is all happening in the context of a relationship with someone who doesn't want you using it for their own perfectly valid reasons, is missing the point. You yourself don't mind porn but you do care about cybersex or your wife spending her lunchtimes in a car with her boyfriend. It is your prerogative to draw your own lines wherever you wish, but it is Tahlulla's prerogative to draw her lines wherever she wants also.

There are not two separate issues here. There is only one, and that is the issue of why her partner decided to ignore her feelings, just as your feelings were ignored by your ex wife. Her feelings about porn (anyone's feelings about porn) are not to be dismissed. If you can draw a line at cybersex then you can draw a line at porn. Lines are allowed. Feelings cannot be dismissed. Yes, talk, but trust is a soufflé that can't be reheated sometimes.

Well said mathanxiety

Mathanxiety - I expressed an opinion to the OP's point and tried to offer my own perspective (not as a representative of an entire gender).

There are a number of women who have agreed with my point that mainstream porn offers little opportunity for hurt to anyone else than the consumer.

I see a significant distinction between something that is viewed passively and a engaging on a website where someone performs acts at the behest of someone else. You don't and you are entitled to your opinion just as I am entitled to mine.

I find it interesting that on a section of the forum where much is made of partner's being too controlling that the irony of the man in this particular instance being told that he shouldn't watch porn is lost.

For what it is worth, I think that OP's fiance is an idiot. Asking someone to perform via a webcam is a betrayal of trust at the very least.

What a horrible situation. I do feel for the OP especially with children involved. Does OP's partner really genuinely want to change his behaviour? If so, there are self-help groups out there for compulsive sexual behaviour - if that's what this is and if he is committed to ending this.

So -- what if a number of women have agreed with your pov about porn? All women are different and all women have different feelings, and all women are entitled to their opinion and to their feelings. To state that you personally have certain feelings about porn and to state that others, indeed women, agree with you is to question the validity of the OP's perspective and that of those women who disagree with you.

There's control and there's control. It is disingenuous to criticise an objection to porn use as controlling; porn is known to be addictive, it can cost time and money, and it involves sexual experiences with images of people other than the partner. When it is done behind the partner's back it involves issues of trust. So not in the same league as someone's partner endlessly trying to control how they dress, how they cook, whether the house is clean, whether they wear makeup, etc., and there's no irony. None of the usual things controlling men demand of their partners are addictive, and none involve sexual experiences that cross the line of monogamy.

You are entitled to your opinion of what is acceptable for you to do, but in a relationship with someone else, you might need to adjust your priorities. If your chosen activities, whether going out to the pub every night, gambling, using porn, etc., impinge on the relationship, you have to decide what's more important. If you choose drinking, for instance, and your partner leaves you or lives with you in misery (and maybe poverty) because of it, then you have a problem. If the OP's partner chooses porn over his chances of a reasonably happy life for himself and for his children, who have lost their birth mother, and for whom the OP is now effectively the mother, then this man has a problem.

Mathanxiety - I am not entirely sure what I have done to inspire such vitriol. I have at no point criticised the OP for her views, merely posted my own views which offer a slightly different perspective.

I consider myself to be a reasonable and well-rounded individual, confident enough in my own beliefs and values to accept that other peope may have views which are diametrically opposite to my own, but have no less validity to them.

I have already stated that I think that the OP's fiance is in the wrong and to avoid the risk of this becoming an argument mired in female verus male stereotypes I will withdraw.

If somebody is being'controlling' by making it clear to a partner that watching porn is unacceptable to them, surely the same can be said of the partner who continues to watch/use porn with no regard for their partners feelings?If one person in a relationship finds it unacceptable, why are their feelings considered less valid than those of the porn user?

In this case, the OP made it clear to her partner that she did not like it and he 'said he'd stop.' He didn't. He carried on in secret.IMO, that shows little/no respect for the feelings of his partner. He claimed not to have known that the OP would be so hurt by it. But he did know. She had told him at the beginning of the relationship when she caught him the first time. For me, this would be the dealbreaker. Not the fact that it was porn as such, but the fact that he carried on in the full knowledge of the OPs feelings on the matter and then lied about it when he got caught.

I like what both mathanxiety and bobbyzee say, both have very good and valid points.

Yes, I agree, Sayithowitis. It is an effort to get the other person to put up, shut up and to conduct the relationship on their terms. It is also a way of blowing a raspberry at the concept of discussion and coming to agreements on boundaries. Deceit after a conversation that seemed to have settled a matter renders the concept of civilised discussion null and void. If you want to deceive, then don't expect the relationship to continue without damage.

I'm looking for vitriol but finding none, Bobbyzee.

FWIW, as a man, you should know that when you say to a woman that other women agree with you on something, what you are saying is that the woman who disagrees is unusual in her opinions, that her opinions are probably minority ones. It comes across as a power play.

You should also know that bringing up the subject of control/abuse to bolster a point about porn is to wade into very choppy waters.

In spite of myself . . .

sayithowitis - The only solution to that scenario is for the man to grow a pair and say to the OP "I am sorry that you don't enjoy porn, but I do. I would like to continue to use it and will do my damnedest to ensure that you are not affected by it."

That way he is being open about it and remaining true to his own wishes.

Porn is so readily available these days and the sexualisation of everyday life means that any attempt to stop an individual from using it is bound to failure. The only person who can stop him from using porn is he himself and he shows no real desire to do that.

I have three children aged 20, 16 and 14 (M, F, M) and I genuinely am concerned by the impact that ready access to porn will have on their lives and their expectations of what sex within a relationship is. The only thing I can rely on is the way that I have brought them up and the respect that I expect them to show everyone in their dealings.

I also wish that the discourse around sex in this country could be more open and less shame and blame.

I certainly don't have a problem with my partner viewing porn, it's not something I seek out or have a need to watch but I am ambivalent to it. The odd dirty film now and again is no big deal but I think this is different, it's live, physical involvement with a stranger online, I doubt many women or even many men would be happy to know their partner was doing this, I really think this guy has an addiction and needs professional help, how many relationships have been ruined by the person's drink, drug, gambling addiction...

I really don't think we are talking porn here, I think we are basically talking about infidelity.

Exactly the point I was trying to make Joony. :)

The problem, though Bobby, is that in many, many of the situations posted here, the man has effectively done what you suggest anyway, in that they have decided to completely disregard their partners feelings and continue to do what they want anyway. So many posters here who find themselves in this type of situation, are here because they have discovered secret use of porn sites, or they know the partner is using them whilst the woman is not around. It still affects them. If they truly have no inkling that their partner is using these sites, I suppose there is a very slight chance that they are not being affected by it. But when you read so many posts on here where the woman has become suspicious because of the way her partner is acting, then clearly, these women are affected by it, whatever their partners, or you, choose to believe.

Once again, in this case, the man had the opportunity to do as you suggested and tell his partner that he had no intention of stopping his porn use. He chose, instead, to lie to her and tell her he would stop.

Well thanks to you and Math for the interesting perspectives, byeeee

I accept that sayithowitis. Like I said, he (as an adult) needs to be explicit about what he wants and they as a couple need to decide what is or isn't acceptable (not one person simply instructing the other how it will be) and decide on the way forward. If it is such a sticking point then those suggesting that they break up may well be right.

Mathanxiety - I apologise if anything I have said comes across as powerplay. As a plain talking Yorkshireman I say what I think - no Macchiavellian subterfuge. I know what it is like to be in a relationship with someone who is manipulative, deceitful and engages in emotional blackmail and know I will never put myself through that again.

Not all men are scumbags.

"sayithowitis - The only solution to that scenario is for the man to grow a pair and say to the OP "I am sorry that you don't enjoy porn, but I do. I would like to continue to use it and will do my damnedest to ensure that you are not affected by it."

How is that possible when it is the knowledge of her partner's masturbatory habit that is affecting her and her feelings for him? Would you really continue wanting to do something that meant losing your partner's love and respect for you?

The important question isn't why many women would like their partner to stop using porn, it's why men won't stop using it when it is having such a detrimental effect on their relationships and that's without even touching on the wider issues of what porn is .