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Original poster

discovered my dp's porn obession

156 replies

tahlulla1986 · 08/02/2011 07:17

Hi. Last week whilst on my dp's laptop I came across a lot of video files. Curious I looked at a few. They where all web cam images. Some were of women touching themselves, others where he was using online chat with the video telling these woman what to do. There was even one I found of him having 'cybersex'. Some dating back a few years but some very recent when we spent a few rare nights apart. Like 2 weekends ago when I went to buy my wedding dress. I knew he liked dirty chat rooms when we first got together but when we began to get serious I told him I didn't really like him doing it and so he said he'd stop.

When I confronted him he said he didn't know it would hurt me so much, if he had he wouldn't have done it. He's promised me that he won't ever do it. To save our relationship I have to believe that he's telling me the truth but I'm going to struggle to trust him. I'm working tonight and I'm scared of what he'll get up.

I really want to make our relationship work as does dp, he says he'll do anything to make it better. We due to get married in just under 5 months. I have 2 dsc with him and after theyre mother died look to me as their mum and feel that leaving isn't really an option.

Has anyone been through similar and come through it?

Sorry its so long!

OP posts:
lint · 09/02/2011 16:08

Is Shirleyworley real?

AnyFucker · 09/02/2011 16:10

who cares ?

batman47555 · 09/02/2011 16:11

she's like AF on steroids

AnyFucker · 09/02/2011 16:18

not exactly..

Malificence · 09/02/2011 16:26

What is it about MN that attracts all the weirdos?
I say that without a hint of irony by the way Wink

AnyFucker · 09/02/2011 16:29

Mal...there is a current post from you that is giving me the serious heeby-jeebies ATM Grin

< said with all the irony in the world >

Malificence · 09/02/2011 16:35

What can I say? I like accessing the deepest , darkest recesses of the human psyche.

I don't write to serial killers in my spare time or anything!

AnyFucker · 09/02/2011 16:37

You know which one I meant then ? Grin

Malificence · 09/02/2011 16:40

I haven't posted much today. Wink

AnotherMumOnHere · 09/02/2011 16:42

LMHF "OP, on the subject of your situation, I feel it might be worth considering delaying the wedding. Put it back a year. If he manages to stay off the Porn for all that time, and is subject to full and open inspection of his viewing history, THEN go for it."

I agree with you on this one. The same advice would be given to someone who was with an alcoholic, giving him time to get off the booze and have a period of absention.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2011 16:44
Wink

I have a most disconcerting visual stuck in my head...

AnyFucker · 09/02/2011 16:45

< ahem >

my first post on this thread was to say I recommended that OP postpone the nuptials...

lint · 09/02/2011 17:15

If he used a private browsing sesion you would never know what he had been doing. It isn't possible to check (I think?) browsing history

Malificence · 09/02/2011 17:20

I think the part where he saved the videos to his computer kind of negates his privacy.

I may be wrong, but dont most people want honesty in a relationship, not blissful ignorance of a partner with a disturbing habit?

StuffingGoldBrass · 09/02/2011 17:21

WWIFN: Actually, some of us who like porn have thought through all the issues surrounding it and informed ourselves of (for instance) which companies make non-exploitative material with non-coerced performers. And women who enjoy looking at sexually-explicit visual material are not necessarily doing it just to 'appear cool' or please a man: it's yet another slice of neurosexist nonsense to say that women are turned on by words, not pictures.

It is, of course, silly to insist that all men look at porn and if your H says he doesn't, he must be fibbing, but it's equally silly to say that all women hate and fear porn and any woman who says she likes it is lying to herself and everyone else just to be a man-pleaser.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2011 17:23

"neurosexist" Confused

sgb...you made that word up, didn't you ? Wink

StuffingGoldBrass · 09/02/2011 17:34

Nope. Credit Cordelia Fine (Delusions of Gender) with that one. It means: all that rubbish about Men from Mars, WOmen from Venus backed up with pseudoscientific bullsit.
HTH Wink

Malificence · 09/02/2011 17:36

It must be an awful feeling to wonder whether, when you go out of the house and leave your partner at home, he will be jumping straight onto the computer and getting his cock out/asking some random woman to spread her legs for him, every bit as awful as if he has other relationship harming compulsions such as drink/drugs/gambling, except that somehow the porn thing seems like a personal insult, it's got to be soul destroying to think you aren't enough - I think that's why so many women hate/fear porn, because selfish, emotionally illiterate men seem to turn to porn ( and away from their partners) in times of stress, such as pregnancy, compounding any issues.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2011 17:40

every day's a school day Grin

mathanxiety · 09/02/2011 17:45

That should read "..when you go out of the house to buy your wedding dress and leave your partner at home.."

Malificence · 09/02/2011 17:47

That makes it even more Sad and Angry , doesn't it math?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 09/02/2011 18:15

SGB I'm not sure why you are commenting on the "neurosexist" nonsense of women being turned on by words and not pictures, since I quite agree with you and didn't infer otherwise.

Neither did I say that all women who like porn are uninformed and haven't thought about the political issues. I said I wondered why these posters liked porn, or didn't mind their partners' use of it.

Part of that curiosity is because I have a healthy suspicion (from these boards alone) that many women don't consider the wider issues and carmen has accurately confirmed that. She likes it because it turns her on, which is what it's designed to do, after all.

I want people to question why they feel the way they do and consider how much of their feelings are borne out of social conditioning and a lack of awareness or interest in the wider politics of porn.

carmenelectra · 09/02/2011 19:29

WWIFN I Should have made myself more clear.

When I said porn turns me on well perhaps I should have said that watching any couple having sex would be a turn on.

Not that I would actually watch a real life couple of course,but in theory.so its not due to conditioning or because I want to please a man.

mathanxiety · 09/02/2011 19:59

The people in the porn are real life people, not maybe in any sort of real relationship -- what's the difference between watching them and watching a real life couple?

susiedaisy · 09/02/2011 20:10

some of us are ok with porn, some of us aren't, ( i am not)but what pisses me off is when men (or women) aren't up front with it, it is a huge deal breaker in a relationship, as big as whether to have kids, or what religion you have, and yet so many people keep it hidden from their partners and it only comes to light when it is discovered, if it is (as many people try to convince us) really ok/run of the mill/ mainstream and everyone's doing it, then why do so many people keep it hidden??