Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my partner thinks my ex should pick up my kids earlier,is he right?

160 replies

ellasmum1 · 05/02/2011 21:01

my ex dh is living with his parents at the moment.he picks our kids up at 12.30 every sunday and brings them back at 7pm.
I thought this was ok but my partner feels its very late and only really half a day,and that I could get more out of my sunday with him if we could go out earlier etc.
I feel it would be difficult for my ex to fill a whole day with them when he hasnt got a place of his own.He cant take them to his parents till late afternoon as his mum works nights and needs peace to sleep in the day.
I am torn on this one.
Opinions please....

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 05/02/2011 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Inertia · 05/02/2011 21:05

I think it's not for your partner to decide. If you, your children and your ex are all happy with the current arrangement then your partner needs to accept that - he isn't the most important consideration in this , your children are.

Original poster
ellasmum1 · 05/02/2011 21:05

thanks for responding so quick.
He sees them for two hrs on wed nights too after work.I leave my house with my partner so he can see them there so time isnt taken up travelling about.
He says he intends to have them for the weekend etc once he has his own house. This will not be for months however..

OP posts:
Original poster
ellasmum1 · 05/02/2011 21:07

that sounds confusing!
I mean my partner and i go out while ex can visit kids at my house on wed nights.

OP posts:
Truckulente · 05/02/2011 21:09

I don't think it is anything to do with your partner.
Why hasn't he got his own place yet?

Original poster
ellasmum1 · 05/02/2011 21:10

any other opinions from people please?

OP posts:
Gay40 · 05/02/2011 21:11

I think it is between you and your ex, and your partner can either fit in or fuck off.

RumourOfAHurricane · 05/02/2011 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
ellasmum1 · 05/02/2011 21:11

we split 6 mths ago. he hasnt got any savings and i have the house we shared. he cant get a mortgage till his name is off this one,which is rather complicated at present.

OP posts:
Original poster
ellasmum1 · 05/02/2011 21:13

see my partner feels i am "defending" my ex when i explain why i dont want to confront ex dh over it...

OP posts:
Original poster
ellasmum1 · 05/02/2011 21:20

bump,please add your opinion..

OP posts:
Truckulente · 05/02/2011 21:21

I'll say again it's nothing to do with your new partner.

You don't have to confront your ex just ask him if he wants to see more of his children.

RumourOfAHurricane · 05/02/2011 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Sativa · 05/02/2011 21:22

Your partner sound a little insecure about your ex and sees any signs of accommodating him as siding with him . I would reassure him that it is all down to circumstances and that things will get better.

Couldn't your ex sometimes come round to your house early on Sunday morning and stay with the children there, maybe take them out then wait there for you to come home? Meanwhile you could have the day free to spend with your partner. I wouldn't normally suggest this but you did say that this happens on a Wednesday evening.

Original poster
ellasmum1 · 05/02/2011 21:32

i just like to get a wide a range of possible of what others think.thanks sativa thats helpful,a definite possibility.

OP posts:
Xales · 05/02/2011 22:16

You only split with your ex 6 months ago and your new partner who I assume you have been seeing less than that is telling you what he thinks you/your ex should be doing?

It is none of his business.

Until you and your ex are sorted financially and he has a place of his own you have an arrangement you agreed between you that seems to work.

Once your ex has a place of his own you can make other arrangements.

Again it is none of your current partners business what you arrange.

davidtennantsmistress · 05/02/2011 22:22

do you live with your partner?

have you been together long/are you serious?

tbh from my exp - (my XH stayed in my house for a weekend at a time to see our DS), when prev partner questioned my methods with XH & DS they were told to butt out & deal with it, as XH is the dad, yes he's a twat but atm needs must & to help the smooth transition with us splitting it was better for DS to have this arrangement.

A few ex's of mine didn't like it & one was quite anti - he didn't last very long tbh and was a stop gap as it were - nothing serious.

DP has been excellent about the arrangements, he's always maintained that it's my choice what happens with DS, XH & contact, I know he's frustrated sometimes, but we work together. ultimately he understands I'm doing what I think is best for my child.

davidtennantsmistress · 05/02/2011 22:24

(should also say DS only met one of my prev partners big regret but otherwise never knew anything about it)

key point I think is your partner needs to get over himself, realise you have 7 hours to yourselves, & actually that's quite a lot of time - if you both make the effort not to do anything apart form be together alone it can work well. :)

ivykaty44 · 05/02/2011 22:29

It is up to you and your ex to sort out access arrangments.

If you feel that your dc would benifit from more contact with their father then suggest this, and listen to your ex about it. Tell your dp that he has to let you and your ex parnet on contact.

If you wanted to get them ready for overnights would it be possible for your ex to have the dc on saturday nights whilst the grandparent work and then bring them home Sunday mroning - possibly doing soemthing small with them Sunday morning. That way he gets to out them to bed and bath and bedtime stories etc

pooka · 05/02/2011 22:32

I agree with previous posters. Your partner is sounding rather insecure and needy.

He needs to understand that this is actually none of his business. If you, the kids and your ex-p are as satisfied as possible with the situation (not ideal that he doesn't have his own place, but you have to make the best of it), then that's that.

coppertop · 05/02/2011 22:51

I agree that this has nothing to do with your partner. He doesn't get to have a say in when your children should spend time with their father.

Even if I were feeling charitable enough to believe that he's saying this for your benefit rather than his own selfish motives, it's the needs of the children which should be the priority here.

Eurostar · 05/02/2011 22:56

I'd say this doesn't bode well for the future. Your partner wants to get rid of your DC to have you to himself. Is this someone who is going to love your DC and treat them as his own? Is he really ready for someone with children?

It's a shame your DC can't spend more time with their Dad and I would be thinking of ways to make this happen but the way you word it your P is only interested in himself.

Truckulente · 05/02/2011 23:05

I feel sorry for your ex.

I'm a single Dad. And the thought of living back with my parents, after 6 months a new man in my old house, and hardly seeing my children, I think I'd be a bit peed off.

GloriaSmut · 05/02/2011 23:11

I don't think it is at all helpful for your dp to interfere right now. You've not long split from your ex-h and between you, are trying to make the best arrangements for access given the circumstances. Things will change when your ex gets a house but at the moment it is far better to have amicable arrangements based on what is practical and achievable. For sure, you don't need a third party trying to upset things!

NanaNina · 05/02/2011 23:20

I think this is your partner's problem to be honest though I appreciate you are sort of stuck in the middle. I don't agree with posters who are saying it is nothing to do with your partner - that isn't fair really, BUT I do agree with posters saying that your partner sounds a little insecure and maybe it isn't so much about time, as it is about you choosing to leave things as they are (i.e. not confront your partner and so are siding with him) rather than takingyour partner's side.

It's early days isn't it for you and your P and this may be a storm in a teacup. However I do wonder (as others have) whether this bodes well, because if he is insecure and wants demonstrations that you are going to take his side, that could become a problem.

However if you do follow some of the suggestions on here which you seem to think are workable and that solves the problem so be it. On the other hand it your P then begins to criticise other aspects of the shared care arrangements with your Ex then things could become difficult.

However the children's needs must come first mustn't they.