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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my partner thinks my ex should pick up my kids earlier,is he right?

160 replies

ellasmum1 · 05/02/2011 21:01

my ex dh is living with his parents at the moment.he picks our kids up at 12.30 every sunday and brings them back at 7pm.
I thought this was ok but my partner feels its very late and only really half a day,and that I could get more out of my sunday with him if we could go out earlier etc.
I feel it would be difficult for my ex to fill a whole day with them when he hasnt got a place of his own.He cant take them to his parents till late afternoon as his mum works nights and needs peace to sleep in the day.
I am torn on this one.
Opinions please....

OP posts:
Takeresponsibility · 06/02/2011 21:30

"my partner thinks my ex should pick up my kids earlier,is he right?"

This is your original question. The overwhelming answer is no, he's not right because he has no business having an opinion on the subject.

You then gave us all the other info that he practically lives at your house, that he moved in 5 minutes after the kids Dad left/was kicked out, that you spend hardly any quality time alone with your kids (and he with his)but that you don't understand why that matters.We, considering this is a public forum gave our opinions on those things because they are all linked to your kids welfare and your attitude to your ex.

pleasechange · 06/02/2011 21:30

"BrianAndHisBalls - I totally disagree re: timings. 6 months, 6 years. No difference in my experience" - to you maybe. It'd say though that to young children, there is a very big difference indeed. At 6 months the current partner is stil a stranger to the children, and he is effectively trying to dictate the arrangement between them and their father

Rindercella · 06/02/2011 21:31

To a 2 year old child, 6 months is a bloody long time actually.

pleasechange · 06/02/2011 21:32

not compared to the strength of the bond to their father, who has been kicked out, has no home, nowhere to take them, and whose place has been taken by a partner who is now trying to call the shots in their life

readywithwellies · 06/02/2011 21:34

allnew - I was referring to how long a person knows their partner prior to introducing their children to their partner. Not how quickly they should move in.

BrianAndHisBalls · 06/02/2011 21:34

Rindercella -thats how I felt, I wanted to be sure there was likely to be a future before dd ever met dp, even as just a friend of mummy's. Moving someone in when you haven't even been dating for 6 months is Shock

readywithwellies · 06/02/2011 21:36

allnew - a father who can't be arsed to have his kids for longer than a few hours? Confused
My ex h lives with his parents and manages fine. I don't see why the OPs ex can't do the same.
My dsd's mother travels from the other end of the country and stays in hotels. She manages.
No sympathy for the poor ex h.

Mutt · 06/02/2011 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pleasechange · 06/02/2011 21:37

well regardless of whether the OP has known the partner for 6 months, the fact is he was moved in pretty much as soon as he ex move out. In that context, she asked a question on a public forum as to whether her partner was right. The overwhelming response has been that he is in no position to have an opinon on the matter. Opinons are what the OP has asked for. Of course she is entitled to disagree, ignore them, whatever, but she did ask.

BrianAndHisBalls · 06/02/2011 21:38

Readywithwellies - genuine question, you say you ask a lot of questions but do you expect someone to answer honestly ? Surely you find things out from people by watching them and seeing their character over a period of time before you introduce them to your children?

If you ask someone - are you a child abuser/do you hit women/are you an alcohpolic/are you rubbish with money/are you a grump arse around children/are you kind etc they are hardly likely to answer honestly? Words are cheap.

pleasechange · 06/02/2011 21:39

"allnew - a father who can't be arsed to have his kids for longer than a few hours?" - well I feel exactly the same about a mother who kicks out the father of her children leaves him with nowhere to live, moves a new partner in and then he starts to call the shots

readywithwellies · 06/02/2011 21:42

allnew - I would think that too. Is that what the OP has done though?

pleasechange · 06/02/2011 21:43

and indeed is your representation of the ex accurate?? We can only give opinions given the facts as they are presented. And with that in mind, I have formed my opinion, and you yours. It's for the OP to decide what to do. If she chooses to accept your opinion as the one that supports her own, that's absolutely fine. It's not my life, and they're not my kids. But she did ask for opinions

KangarooCaught · 06/02/2011 21:45

To answer your OP, that status quo sounds good for the dcs actually, given your ex's circumstances which surely has to be the main consideration. Once ex gets his own place, overnights or longer stays at weekends will be on the cards. So your current partner is wrong imo.

readywithwellies · 06/02/2011 21:47

BrianAndHisBalls - yes, words are cheap.

But you can find out pretty easily if they are a liar.

From my experience, you can't tell a lot of the instances you mention until you live with someone anyway. Men don't generally abuse women who can walk away easily. How are you going to know a person is financially secure? I have seen my dps finances, but how do I know what else he could be hiding. Maybe your partner has a secret credit card?
Grumpy with children? How could you know this until you have experienced it?

pleasechange · 06/02/2011 21:49

I personally have moved in with a few people in my years. Thing is though, that is while I was single. The risk was purely on my head. If it didn't work out, all I had to do was pick myself up again and move on. It's surely a completely different kettle of fish though when DC's are involved

BrianAndHisBalls · 06/02/2011 21:53

I get your point Ready (and thank you for answering I was genuinely interested) but I think you can see tendencies early on. For instance the op's new partner is already, imo, showing tendencies that he is not 'into' her dc and putting their needs first (by wanting the exh to have them for longer so that he and op can enjoy themselves).

I think you could tell re alcohol and money without living together but I do take your point.

Perhaps more importantly putting aside anything like DV/alcohol etc, I would think it would take 6 months or longer before you knew whether you wanted a long term relationship with that person, whether you were compatible and in love rather than lust.

HystericalMe · 06/02/2011 21:56

Try speaking to your ex to check if he is happy about the amount of time he gets to spend with the children and to your children too.

Original poster
ellasmum1 · 07/02/2011 11:37

wow,am genuinely pleased that so many did give their opinions.
Thankyou.
My partner has honestly helped me more with my children in the last 6 mths than ex did in 9 yrs.
What pisses partner off is that he feels ex rolls up to collect kids at 12.30pm on a sunday after being out with his mates on the piss the night before.So ex decided on that time to suit his need for a lie in.
we then cannot do much that morning while waiting for ex to turn up.
partner says he just wants ex to grow up and be a proper father.
I do not feel my ex wants to sideline my kids.
He has worked tirelessly to improve my relationship with them.He could see i was a mess when we got together.
DD was a brat who ruled the house and wouldnt go to bed at night.
I was worn down and depressed after yrs of no support from ex who said he'd "had enough" and constantly told dd she was a moron/idiot etc and that he was fed up with her.
He told me to sort her out.He couldnt be bothered.
Partner has introduced boundaries and consequences which i now follow too,and my dd is a different,much happier child.
Partner is not paying towards my bills at present because i am not ready for him to "officially" live with us.
The love,affection,and support he has given us is priceless in my opinion.

OP posts:
NewPatchesForOld · 07/02/2011 14:11

I'm going to post a reply to your original question only as I think you've been slated enough over your arrangements already.
Your DP, in my opinion, has no right to interfere in your arrangements and it will cause problmes for you. I'm guessing you have an ok relationship with ExH seeing as you have him at your house? You risk that being destroyed if your DP tries to interfere. I'm talking from experience. I was on good terms with ExH and then my DP got involved in maintenance/contact etc and it was the DC who suffered as Mum and Dad were no longer friends and the kids got caught up in the middle of it. I couldn't even talk to ExH on the phone about the DC without DP actually writing down what he wanted me to say and shoving notes under my nose...'say this, say that'. He wanted me to take ExH to the CSA despite the fact that ExH pays a good amount of maintenance each and every month and has never defaulted in 9 years. He tried making the kids go to their Dad's for Christmas (even though exH had never asked as he knew the kids were happier being at home for Xmas and he always saw them from boxing day til new year)and just generally ruined what was a good arrangement and friendship.
This needs to be between you and ExH.

NewPatchesForOld · 07/02/2011 14:16

Ellasmum...I'm only trying to help you here, so please don't take offence at this.
Is the name 'brat' from you or is that what DP calls/called your DD? This is all ringing loud alarm bells for me. If he's not even officially living with you he really shouldn't be introducing boundaries and consequences.I'm loathe to put my opinions about your DP as lots of others have and I don't want you to feel like you're being attacked, but this is all wrong.

Original poster
ellasmum1 · 07/02/2011 14:17

thanks newpatches that is helpful.
I will be bearing that in mind.#
I do want to maintain on good terms with ex for sake of children.

OP posts:
Ormirian · 07/02/2011 14:18

"that I could get more out of my sunday with him if we could go out earlier etc"

Apologies if this has already been said but surely that isn't the point.

Ormirian · 07/02/2011 14:22

"they dont get much time just with me but i dont see why thats so important"

Why on earth wouldn't it be important?

Original poster
ellasmum1 · 07/02/2011 14:23

newpatches-only intoducing them after full discussion with me and with me implementing them too.
dd is much happier now that she knows where she stands. me and dp are attending a positive parenting class together too.ex is on the waiting list for it too if he chooses to go.(to a different one,obviously)

OP posts: