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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my partner thinks my ex should pick up my kids earlier,is he right?

160 replies

ellasmum1 · 05/02/2011 21:01

my ex dh is living with his parents at the moment.he picks our kids up at 12.30 every sunday and brings them back at 7pm.
I thought this was ok but my partner feels its very late and only really half a day,and that I could get more out of my sunday with him if we could go out earlier etc.
I feel it would be difficult for my ex to fill a whole day with them when he hasnt got a place of his own.He cant take them to his parents till late afternoon as his mum works nights and needs peace to sleep in the day.
I am torn on this one.
Opinions please....

OP posts:
Original poster
ellasmum1 · 06/02/2011 21:12

i didn't want opinions on partner and whether his intentions were honourable though- just to see if people thought it was reasonable regarding asking ex to have them earlier in the mornings.

OP posts:
Mutt · 06/02/2011 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rindercella · 06/02/2011 21:13

I would be very, very wary of being coerced into using your ex's time with his DC as a way of babysitting. I think this is how your DP sees it (even if you don't). That time with their father should be sacrosanct and used for the DC to continue their relationship with their father. Nothing else should come into it.

Yes, I am sure you need a break sometimes (don't we all. I have found myself to be effectively a lone parent as my husband is too ill to help at all with our DDs), and I am sure you & your new DP would love to spend time together on a Sunday morning. But at the moment that is not the most important thing. The most important thing is to help your children adjust to the fact that their father no longer lives with them and to help them feel secure in the knowledge that their parents' love for them will not change.

TheSecondComing · 06/02/2011 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pleasechange · 06/02/2011 21:14

but you volunteered the information that it was your partner's idea about the contact, so you must have felt it was relevant. You can't decide to give relevant information and then expact people to ignore it because you don't like what they're telling you. To an objective observer, it's very relevant indeed

Takeresponsibility · 06/02/2011 21:14

"I pay all the bills including mortgage"

Really, you work full time with a two year old and then spend every evening with your partner - great Mother.

Or do you mean that I (the taxpayer) pay all your bills and mortgage?

Don't get angry you know what you are doing is wrong, playing happy families with NP and his family, not giving your own kids quality time alone with their Mother, letting your NP have input in a private arrangement between you and your ex.

It's a good thing you are not my daughter or you would have got the benfit of my real opinion not the waterered down one I have to give on here.

mummymunter · 06/02/2011 21:16

What Truckulente says, I agree with - although I'm not single dad! I'd be even more peed off if said new DP started influencing decisions about my children.

JeremyVile · 06/02/2011 21:17

Cant their dad spend more time at your house?

Original poster
ellasmum1 · 06/02/2011 21:17

well my god i'm sorry for falling in love when it was such bad timing!
YES i thought relationship with ex would last after 6 mths, it lasted 9 yrs.
Relationship before that was seven years.
When exactly should i suddenly "know " its going to last?

OP posts:
HoegaardenHappiness · 06/02/2011 21:18

they dont get much time just with me but i dont see why thats so important.i am very serious about my partner and want and expect it to last

Your DC would appreciate some time with you alone, to build your relationship and so they know they are still important to you. They might worry that they might be replaced just as exdp has.

Also I bet new dp is suggesting you have a child with him 'soon'. Please let your children get used to the new situation before they have a half-sibling to deal with.

Takeresponsibility · 06/02/2011 21:18

Damn pressed send too early.

If you want your ex to see his kids as much as they would like get the house sold and give him his half of the equity so he can get a place of his own then you and your NP can get somewhere together midway between yout ex and his so then everyone is happy.

readywithwellies · 06/02/2011 21:18

ellasmum - if you want to speak to someone who understands your POV and won't ask your knicker size - inbox me.

How posters can say they know what is best for my children beggars belief. Structure, routine and stability are key factors in my children's lives and that of my resident dsd.

The fact that their father was shagging around wasn't in their best interests but according to other threads that's fine apparently.

Allnew - I waited 7 years before marrying and having children. I thought I knew him inside out. He turned out to be a shit, so this bollocks about not being able to know people within a specific time frame is well, bollocks. Look at Vanessa's George's husband, bet he didn't think his missus was a kiddie fiddler!

And typical Mumsnet for taking a question and berating the OP for other issues she did not want advice on.

pleasechange · 06/02/2011 21:20

ellasmum that's not really the crux of the matter though is it. In my estimation, the overwhelming majority of posters have had a similar opinion of the situation. Please take the time to consider this in the cold light of day without being so defensive of your current relationship. And remember we don't know you - we have no reason to disagree with you or have our opinions other than the facts as you've stated them and the impression this gives of the situation. We are not picking fault with you but are pointing out what seems fairly obvious to an objective observer, if not to you

Original poster
ellasmum1 · 06/02/2011 21:20

no,takeresponsibility.i work part time as a midwife and still manage to pay all my bills.So up yours!

OP posts:
missmehalia · 06/02/2011 21:22

Your children's aren't 'looked after' by their dad so that you and your DP can have a nice day out.. surely it's about what's the best thing on offer for the kids as an interim arrangement til he's got his own place sorted? You can make new arrangements after that.

I think your DP's only thinking of himself, tbh.

TheSecondComing · 06/02/2011 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hatesponge · 06/02/2011 21:23

tsc 'you've done all this and i've not even managed to shave my legs in the same period of time'.

sorry that made me :) remembering the first 6 months with my almost constantly breastfeeding DS2. I was doing well to get dressed at all most days....!

OP, I know you only wanted opinions on whether Ex should have them earlier. But that question is impossible to answer other than in context - if your Ex had his own house and his reasons for not coming earlier were because he was always hungover from Sat night out Im sure you would have got a diffeent response. However in the situation as it is you must surely see your Ex is in a difficult position and the way you worded your initial post does suggest it is your current P who is the one who is keen for DC to be out of your hair.

pleasechange · 06/02/2011 21:24

readywithwellies I wasn't recommending any set period of time at all. It did seem odd though, as a separated person, having made the assertion that she knew/was certain the relationship would last, and using this as reason for putting the current partner's wishes above that of the children's parents

BrianAndHisBalls · 06/02/2011 21:24

you're missing the point. no, you might not know if somethings going to last even after a few years, you/your dp could cheat/be crap with cash/alcoholic etc etc. Obviously anything could happen.

However, you're a damn sight more likely to know if its going to last after longer than 6 months!!!

zookeeper · 06/02/2011 21:25

That's out of order takeresponsibility Shock

BrianAndHisBalls · 06/02/2011 21:26

and i'm divorced with a dd. I didn't even introduce dp to my dd until after we had been dating for over 6 months, and even then only as a friend!

tribpot · 06/02/2011 21:27

Surely the main thing at this early stage is that there is consistency in the contact arrangements, so your dc know what to expect? The hours may not be entirely convenient for you but it allows for a predictable routine.

OP, no need for you to respond on this but your comment "think we'll be ok if i keep reassuring partner it is temporary" and your depression over Christmas sound a bit worrying. Are you getting any help for yourself? Counselling or support? You've clearly been through a lot in a short time.

readywithwellies · 06/02/2011 21:28

BrianAndHisBalls - I totally disagree re: timings. 6 months, 6 years. No difference in my experience. But I am very nosey and ask a lot of questions.

Takeresponsibility - get back on a SAHM v working mothers thread and have a Biscuit

Original poster
ellasmum1 · 06/02/2011 21:29

thanks wellies- much appreciated! Smile
My new dp and i have no intention of having any children.
Four wonderful children between us is quite enough.
I am unbelievably shocked at how judgemental people are.

OP posts:
Rindercella · 06/02/2011 21:29

Brian, I had been with DH for well over 6 months before I was introduced to his son. It was so much in DSS's best interests for DH and I to be at least a little bit sure that we were going to be for keeps.

6 months is no time (unless it comes to shaving legs, TSC, then it is an eternity Grin).

Really feel for your DC and your ex in this situation OP. You appear to be putting your needs (and those of your new boyfriend's) ahead of everybody else.