my partner thinks my ex should pick up my kids earlier,is he right?

[ellasmum1]

my ex dh is living with his parents at the moment.he picks our kids up at 12.30 every sunday and brings them back at 7pm.
I thought this was ok but my partner feels its very late and only really half a day,and that I could get more out of my sunday with him if we could go out earlier etc.
I feel it would be difficult for my ex to fill a whole day with them when he hasnt got a place of his own.He cant take them to his parents till late afternoon as his mum works nights and needs peace to sleep in the day.
I am torn on this one.
Opinions please....

I would say it is still early days for your kids and your ex too. Six months and a new bloke already living in the house, sorry but I think that is way too bloody soon and really unfair on everyone else involved. And your new boyfriend has absolutely no rights to any input on how often your kids see their dad.

It must be galling for your ex to have another man living in what is still half his house so quickly and playing stepdad to his children :(

It sounds to me like the main reason your current bloke wants your ex to have the kids for longer is so that he gets to spend more time with you alone, and that IS not the point of a dad seeing his kids.

I would also say its early doors and that your dp will need to bend with whatever is most convient for the kids.
If he isn't prepared for this then im afraid I would be concerned.

am not sure how much your dc will benefit from hanging around in rain etc for a few more hours if they cant go back to your ex's current house until late pm? sounds like it will resolve without any problem when he has his own place, so i would keep things easy for now and leave what is working in place

oh i know it must seem awful my partner living here- he does still have is own place but its 72 miles away so its a long way to travel daily.
my partner has 2 wonderful dds who i see regularly now and we all get on.partner is great with my children.however partner split with his ex 6 yrs ago so its all alot more sorted.

i know how awful it must be for my ex and have been having counselling to deal with the guilt.
My ex can have the kids whenever he likes.he has picked the current arrangement,not me.

until a few weeks ago he only wanted to have them from 2.30 till 7 on sundays.I had to push for 12.30 as i felt it would be better for the kids.

tbh I do think your partner needs to back right off here, and wait - if he's not prepared to do that then he shouldn't be living in the house - and I agree I do feel for your ex tbh - it's one thing moving in 4 years down the line, another 6 months. but anyhow.

I personally once living with DP won't expect DP & I to leave our house to facilitate XH.

your DP needs to remember that you're very newly split up so everything he went through right at the beginning you're going through now, and that if pushes the issue you're likely to back off completely. there's nothing worse than a partner who appears controlling.

I'm assuming you're seeing a long term future with DP?

You moved another man in less than 6 months after splitting with your H?

How do your children feel about that?

yes certainly, and as I say I do with XH :) it's not something i'd disagree with, however once DP moves into the house XH will have to make alternative arrangements (we're half way him making them) but we're nearly 4 years down the line by the time all of this will be in place. :))

short term it works, however long term not so much.

The idea of you going to DP's house is good - it's how I get around things with XH, go to DP's - (it's good as you don't have to tidy or have responsibilities lol)

Hi,

You have to think of your's current partner's motivations for requesting this, which do appear totally selfish.Upshot is tyhat he is wanting more childfree time which is not reasonable at this time. Reverse the situation - what would you do with your kids every Sunday, in winter, if you didn't have a base for them? If you or your partner can think of cost effective, comfortable and enjoyable ways to spend 12 hours out of a house with several children then suggest these to your ex.

A comment made earlier was this was about transition and this is exactly right, had you both been single you and your partner could do whatever you wanted but you are a mum and the children come first.

Think this is all way too much and way too soon for your children who have seen enough upheaval and change in their young lives already.

All the adults in their lives need to think again about the effect all this is having on them, not just themselves.

my kids see their dad on a Friday after school for a few hours and drops them back after dinner, and then 12-5 on a Sunday, these hours suit my kids, that's why i choose them, what i wanted dint come into it TBH

Oh feel like this has opened pandoras box now! I didn't want opinions on whether partner should be around so much after 6 mths,I was well aware people see that as appalling for the kids ,but I feel they are v settled,age 2 and 7 with the whole thing,more so than when partner was coming and going a lot.I have needed partner there as I had severe depression over Xmas and could not have coped without him there.

I think he does have a point. You only get an afternoon together, and 7pm is late IMO to be coming home when there's school next day (if they are school age).

And while I agree to an extent, that it's between you and your ex, it does have an impact on how your new partner is spending his time with you, so I don't see anything wrong with voicing his opinion.

Having said that, I don't think there is anything you can do about it at this stage and he needs to accept that.

Why don't you ask your ex to come over earlier and look after the dc at your house until your MIL is up so you can go out for day? Ask him as a one off and judge his reaction?

OP you were depressed over christmas because it was the first christmas after your split with your H.

Of course you are going to be depressed/sad whatever.

Let me tell you something, you COULD and WOULD have got through it. You SHOULD have gone it alone actually rather than put a sticky plaster over your feelings by getting another P on the scene.

FWIW, your P has not got much right to say anything, he might be around in 6m time, he might not.

YOU have to talk to your H and organise the visits. 7pm drop off on a Sunday is too late, he needs to pick them up at 10am and have them back at 5pm latest. Or he can move the day to Saturday.

You need to put yourself in charge of your own life, and not lean or rely on others feelings/schedules. Your DC come first and foremost every time.

thanks to everyone for the advice.nice to see a different perspective from Johnbovi-thats what partner says,he is voicing his opinion.
I think we'll be ok if i keep reassuring partner it is temporary and will get easier once ex has a house.

Ask yourself this:

What if your DC's dad couldn't see them at all for a while or (god forbid) ever again. Then ther would be no child free time, how would he like that?? Not very much I suspect.

Sorry but I dont think you should be reassuring him its temporary at all, you are a mother first second third etc etc, your relationship with DP should always be coming second.

TBH you sound quite vulnerable and this really worries me with the speed at which your new DP) has been moved in lock stock and barrel. How will you learn to feel comfortable an confident with things if you are having to rely on new DP so much?

I second other posters who say it is way to much too soon, and I do feel for your kids

Having had been an almost identical position to you (including moving in with the new boyfriend within 6 months of leaving the ex - remove your judgey pants because I don't give two figs what you all think)....

1. Your ex's living situation is not your fault and should not make you feel guilty for how he sees the children. It is his problem what he does between the time he collects and drops them off. However if he is still paying towards the house you live in then this needs to be sorted out - I was lucky enough to be able to pay off my ex fairly quickly.

1. Your ex is not under your control and even if you ask for the extra time, it does not mean you will get it. How would you feel if the request was rejected and what would happen then?

1. Has your ex never heard of indoor play areas, swimming, musuems? Poor excuses in the OP, he should be able to entertain them for a day without bothering his precious mother's sleeping routine (see I would be jumping over hot coals to see my gcs but hey ho)

1. Your ex should not (IMO) be coming over your house and seeing the children there. I am surprised your partner hasn't an issue with that. My ex used to do this at the very beginning, it made me feel very uncomfortable and I don't think this is a good idea long term, it confuses the children.

1. Your partner may not be the jealous freak that many posters are portraying, he does have a right to an opinion. He doesn't have a right to control what happens.

RWW.. how do you know that the ex's living situation is not her fault? she may have kicked him out?

Bubble - I see where you are coming from but we don't know do we?

However the relationship ended, the OP's ex can choose where he lives or where he takes the dcs.

Your kids must be very confused already if, less than 6 months after Dad left their is a new man living in the house seemingly taking on the same role. You will have to tread very carefully to ensure it does not look to them that Dad has been replaced and now new man is trying to edge them out too.

On the other hand if they want to see Dad more then you need to broach this subject with your ex. It's not something you should be confrontational about just say DCs would like to see more of you, how about another couple of hours on Sunday morning?

This and any other issues over your divorce and children are between you and your ex, how would you feel is DH got a new partner and a couple of months later she was criticising your Mothering and DH was listening to her?

rww

Sorry its nothing to do with being a judgey pants but everything to do with doing what is best for the children.

cant think how moving in a new bloke within weeks of a split with the father can be in their best interests.

I'm speaking as someone who experienced both parents 'moving on' within record time when I was little and it was awful, bloody awful. No one would have guessed how i was feeling as I stopped expressing myself in the face of so much upset.

yes I know I am relating the OP's situation to my own life but like I said it is worrying when people dont put the children first.

Oh and personally I would struggle to entertain my kids for 12 hours out of thr house, their is only so much soft play/ cafe's/ ciname etc etc etc that we can all take.

I find myself feeling quite sorry for the OP's ex.