my partner thinks my ex should pick up my kids earlier,is he right?

[ellasmum1]

my ex dh is living with his parents at the moment.he picks our kids up at 12.30 every sunday and brings them back at 7pm.
I thought this was ok but my partner feels its very late and only really half a day,and that I could get more out of my sunday with him if we could go out earlier etc.
I feel it would be difficult for my ex to fill a whole day with them when he hasnt got a place of his own.He cant take them to his parents till late afternoon as his mum works nights and needs peace to sleep in the day.
I am torn on this one.
Opinions please....

well, you clearly seem to need a parenting course or two, both of you.....

So, what happens with your new partners house which is 72 miles away? Is he renting it out, now that he lives in your exhusbands home? Or planning to sell it? Is he paying you any rent?
Does he work near you, or 72 miles away? Does he actually work? Is he paying you rent?
Is your ex still contributing to the mortgage?

Sorry, I am just utterly gobsmacked.

72 miles is very, erm, exact isn't it? I say I live 80 miles away from my mother. I think it used to be about 80 miles and we moved a couple of miles further away last year, but I still say that I live 80 miles away, not 82. I used to drive 73 miles each way for work, but always said it was 70 miles because why would I bother being so exact about it?

It probably seems so trivial in everything else you have posted about on this thread, but is it something your new boyfriend says? That he has to drive 72 miles to your house? Just something that strikes me as slightly odd is all.

If both you and your DP regard your ex as such a woefully poor father, why is your DP so keen for your DCs to be subjected to their dad's poor parenting?

god no matter how i try and explain things people twist and turn it around. i said 72 miles ,for no reason at all other than fact.
ex was not a great dad/partner but is still a good person and loves the kids . partner and i would both love him to enjoy the kids more and interact with them .
partner does not work at present(although has worked all his life till recently) due to mobility problems if you must know.He receives disability living allowance.
Ex does not pay anything toward mortgage,just basic maintenance(as set by csa guidleines).
he still stays at his flat sometimes.We wanted to be together longer before him giving up his flat etc!

csa includes a contribution towards the childrens' housing costs. So you and your ex are paying towards your current partners' housing costs.

I think you have allowed yourself, and your kids to be taken over by a stranger who is controlling you, in a very short space of time.

Is your new partner a lot older than you?

This is only my opinion, but I do get the impression that you're being really naive about your current partner's intentions

I am in agreement with you Allnew. If the Op was my daughter or relative, alarm bells would definately be ringing.

It is all too much, too soon, and the new partner seems very influential, whilst getting it all his way. He really has wormed his way in very well.

Agree with the 'too much, too soon'.

partner is 7 yrs older. i give up now,i love partner,kids love partner,my mum thinks hes great for me,but everyone here seems to think he has evil intentions to control me and my kids.
God knows how i've managed to give that impression.
A hell of alot has happened in six months.
partner would have been quite happy to stay away for as long as i wanted to,but i love having him around.
i hate being alone,and so do most people.

I have to include this, even though didn't want to. My ExP was exactly like this as already described. The outcome? he was arrested and charged with abuse, and my children were on the verge of being put on the at risk register. Please, be careful and take a step back.

Poor kids (all 4 of them!) and really feel for the ex.

To be honest i think you and you partner have been quite selfish, maybe now is the time to slow down and think about what effect your actions are having on those around you.

newpatches,that is sad to hear and worrying.
I think i'm a good enough judge of character.
And i will be very wary of any signs that dp is trying to control me.

Good luck op and what vitriol you have had on here. But I think people are genuinely worried about your children. Please be super aware that there really are no "prince charmings" out there and that things may go wrong ESP with so short time period from split. Stay strong and aware and good luck.

You have to understand Ellasmum that there are a lot of people who have had the experience of being pushed out by a new partner or witnessed it around them and your post seems to go straight to the heart of that.

Sorry to be flippant but it sounds like you have moved in with super nanny, this person who has put all of your boundaries in place and cheered everyone up!

Let's hope that this man you have met (have you known him long before getting together?)is really a good man who cares for your DC and this is why he wants them to see more of their Dad and one who has temporarily fallen on hard times re work/health rather than your family being his longterm project.

You can ask your health visitor about local parenting classes including help for your exH.

Your DC do sound like they are getting dragged from pillar to post with every other weekend away with your P's family and every Sunday out with their father.

Meanwhile - I'd really think about working on your fear of being alone - and needing your company to be in the shape of a partner. It is genuinely a dangerous way to be as it just leaves you so open to being used. I do hope your partner is one of the good guys but all the same, you never know what will happen in life.

Ellasmum...I thought I was good judge of character too.

Couldn't you go over to the new b/f's flat for the weekend and let the kids be with Dad in the family home?

Hello Ellasmum, i don't usually reply to such long debates as this but I really feel for you and think you need a big hug.

I think you have a lot on your plate and that you're trying to make everyone happy including yourself and I don't see a problem in that.

Your question wasn't about how you live your life and how good a mother you are but about sunday timings - so my answer to that one is perhaps your ex collecting them at 10:00 and dropping them off at 4 or 5pm would be better so that they can wind down after their day, have dinner, bath, cuddles and bed for school the next day.

I do get what the other posters here are trying to say and it is food for thought however from what you have said your dp sounds like a really nice person and he makes you all happy. You sound as though you have been through a really hard time with exP and need to be loved and deserve to be happy - a happy mum surely is beneficial to her children. So far you are doing your best which is great. You are even taking a parental course, can't ask more than that. Keep things on good terms with ex, you are juggling a lot of balls in the air at the moment so keep strong and stay focused.

On another note, just from my experience though - i have a step family but i have always made time just one on one with my dd, be it just taking her to the movies, park, playing games or going swimming, it keeps us connected and gives us quality time without her sb or ss or sd. We are all happy together as a family also but that quality time is our special time.

Good luck and i hope it all works out beautifully, you sound intelligent enough to know what you're doing

oh thankyou so much rainbowbubbles-you have restored my faith in mumsnet
it is all hard work but i believe it'll be worth it in the end.
i will make sure i still do things alone with dd and ds ,its obviously more important than i realised.
we only see dps girls every other weekend and more in hols so its not difficult.

Ellasmum

I desperately need to apologise to you (and any othes who were offended)for my pre menstrual rant the other day. I am afraid that I was likening your situation to my own.

My partners soon to be ex wife always said that she could behave as badly as she liked because he couldn't afford to leave her. She nets more per month that him but claims she cannot afford the mortgage (or any part of it) despite having her botyfriend living there for the past four months who earns more than the pair of them added together. He has free work accommodation that he uses as his "main" address so there is no evidence of co-habitation. As DP won't take the risk that his children will be homeless he pays the full mortgage and bills at the FMH. I fully agree his existing children should come first but this leaves me paying 80% of the bills.

This is just some background so you can see why I commented what I did, however, this does not excuse me making the assumptions I di and being so rude and aggressive to you.

So I apologise.

Honestly? OP I think you need counselling to deal with your depression and the break up of your relationship on your own.

How can your partner live in your house and discipline your children and have an opinion on how you and your ex sort out childcare but NOT pay any bills because you're not ready for him to 'officially move in yet'. That makes no sense at all.

I suspect you've moved a cock lodger into your and your DCs home and he's now subtly calling all the shots.

That's not to say your exH is a saint, but actually the issue here isn't whether he should pick them up earlier on Sunday, but that your new P is exercising an inordinate amount of 'opinion' over your newly split family's home and their contact with each other.

You say you don't know how you've given the impression that he's controlling, but I think that you're in denial about the fact that he is and that this situation is pretty inappropriate.

These are the irrefutable facts:

He lives in your house the majority of the time

He disciplines your children

He has no job

He doesn't pay towards rent or bills.

It's no wonder alarem bells are ringing for most of the posters on this thread. They are for me, and they should be for you too.

I know i'm only presuming here but ellasmum actually sounds pretty much in control. She has broken away from her children's father and is managing to hold it together with a job, paying bills and looking after her children. I'm sure she is under no illusion that this man or any man is perfect but right now he seems to be right for her and her family. The kids are happy and accepting of him which is the main thing.

I'm sure if her new partner became very controlling alarm bells would ring and she would do something about it.

We should remember that just because some of us have had bad experiences doesn't necessarily mean that others will. Also, I don't think by insulting her intelligence helps in any way. We all go through times in our lives when we are down or just need a second opinion or just a down right rant with our friends it doesn't mean that we need councelling or that we are bad parents.

I think it takes a strong woman to leave a bad relationship with her children's father and really do wish ellasmum all the best in her new life.

She sounds depressed and vulnerable and he sounds like a cock lodger.

Just speaking as I find.

Read the thread.
Is he right? Nope.
Interesting discussion and I am in agreement with those that feel dp seems to be presuming an awful lot very quickly.

Ellasmum1, you posted a thread because you had doubt, yes?

Please, PLEASE, pay attention to the feeling of doubt. It usually comes in a wisper that can be excused away numerous times and ways, but that doesn't diminish its importance.

Your dp is mobility disabled? (7-Feb-11 15:21:20) Do you pity him? Just asking.

Because if that has any relevance at all to these circumstances, IMHO, he is playing you with a pity card.

But still, what is the fundamental point of dp's residential status so soon?
You've had years of functioning as a single parent while previously married. You are tired/afraid of being alone, and are perhaps desperate for help with the children. Is your dp a live in manny then, with benefits/room and board for salary?

Kids get a whole deck of pity cards.

TheSecondComing-