AF, Dittany, Grace et al Itsnotjustaslap DV Update

[itsnotjustaslap]

Hi

Just thought would update; thought about things and realised that I was coping fine with my son without my husband and not falling apart. He did not contribute anything much to my happiness or to the house or childcare (or at least far less than he thought he did) and that I felt far calmer and happier without him.

He did not really regret the violence or acknowlege that he was controlling or that ranting in front of our son for hours was harming him.

Soo...I contacted Social Services to report my concerns for my son's emotional well being as he wakes in the night for hours and cries (but he has slept through since my husband left) and to report the DV. They stated that they did have real concerns for my son's welfare and wanted to speak with both me and my husband. They also advised me to go to the police which I did.

I wanted the DV to be just put on file however the police stated that he would be arrested and charged regardless of whether I made a statement or not. It was really hard but I made the statement anyway and he was arrested and charged.

Obviously things are very difficult now with him and his family. He is trying everything to win me back, as he does not want to lose everything but has also said that if we get back together I must fully apologise to his family for getting the police involved in a private matter and getting him a criminal record (they can fuck right off!).

I am sooo much happier without him. The police protection unit have told me that if I go back to him he will seriously harm me so that makes my decision easier.

He does not yet know that my decision is made and it will be really difficult when he does know as he will become very angry and possibly violent and I do have concerns about contact with our son. But I'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

It's not even so much what the police can do, as the fact that the incident needs to be reported to have it on record, and you should report the phone tampering too.

You're right to avoid asking the H for help with DS. Hope your night is going ok.

Hi just quick update so no-one worries. Had a good day today, did loads of spring cleaning / gardening, had a friend over but now feeling rubbish and very sick and shivery - it's probably a migraine but I'm going to switch everything off and go to bed.

Night

Glad you had a good day and sleep well. Hope it's not a migraine, not fun with a wee one to look after x

hi itsnot

glad you had a good day, hope you feel better today. The thing is, the old cliche of 'time being a great healer' is very true. I can honestly say that in a years time you will feel so much more in control and happy.

You have got to stop thinking of this shitbag as anything other than your deadly enemy. You cannot ask for help from someone who is, and I am sorry to be blunt but it really seems that way, gearing up to try and kill you.

Have had a great time with a friend to stay who fabulously just helped me talk and confirmed that my h is a shit and who has behaved like a total turd and that I am worth so much more. It was really cathartic.

However I took her back to the station; unexpectedly when I should have been in the house putting my ds to bed. I drove up the usually busy road and after travelling a few minutes noticed that my h's car was the one in front.

Neither me or my friend noticed anyone else or any other drivers about when we got in the car. It could have just been coincidence - stranger things have happened but it did kind of shake me - and there are more than one road which meets with this one.

There is no reason for my h to be in this locality as it is not at all on his way to anyone other than myself or just one friend of the family - or a long shot to extended family which would be unlikely. I have texted the friend and asked if my h was there tonight - if he was then it was just coincidence.

If it wasn't then it makes me uncomfortable. Well actually it made me uncomfortable either way.

Will await to hear confirmation or not. It is quite possible to be a coincidence as this friend is doing their best to be supportive to my h - while making clear that they think he has behaved like a twat so an evening meal is not out of the question. It just would be really, really bad timing.

But some things like this do happen - I bumped into my best friend who was at uni in a different part of the country in an Oxford Street shop once - neither of us having any idea that the other was going to London. The odds of us bumping into each other on a given day, in a given city, in a given shop at exactly the same moment were astronomically small. But it happened.

You've still got the locks and braces, right?

Yes, coincidences do happen. I once met my brother on holiday! But, given you circumstances, it would be totally irresponsible to assume anything other than that he's stalking you. As you say, the chance of such a coincidence happening - and not in a busy place like Oxford Street, either, where the odds are better - is very slim. It's FAR LESS THAN THE LIKELIHOOD HE'S STALKING YOU. He may have been driving in front of you to spook you.

He is horrible. And dangerous, and creepy. Please tell your DV advisor about this incident.

Do keep talking to your friends, I think you'll need to feel you have an open line to the normal world. You'll be living there yourself soon :)

Keep strong and keep your eyes open. It does sound a bit stalker material to me too. Stay safe and report anything out of the ordinary to the police.

Oh.My.God. I have just been verbally assaulted by his mother.

She came this morning to pick up our son as per contact agreement. She asked to come in for a minute which threw me a bit as I had everything ready to go.

She came in and said that she had a note from my h that he had asked her to give me, and could I look at it now and give an answer. It was just basically a list of suggestions for doing family days. I read it and said that it mainly sounded too little too late as my h had never invested in family time when we were together, and given recent circumstances it seemed inappropriate.

She asked me what I meant. I pointed to the door braces and fire extinguisher and said that every boundary I had put in place since our separation he had broken and I wasn't sure I was safe.

She then railed at me and shouted what was I thinking? She said she knew that I hadn't taken his threats seriously to burn the house down - because the mutual friend I had spoken to had said come on now, you know he is not serious and I had agreed on the phone that he probably wasn't going to carry anything out. It's true I did reluctantly agree this but only because I felt a little bit intimidated by this friend - my gut feeling and fear were actually very real.

When I said that actually I had feared his threat - especially as he came round just after and tried to get in at night - and that I had woken up several times in the night thinking I could smell smoke. She told me if that I was frightened of him then it was me with the problems and I needed to get help because I was mentally ill.

She asked me why I wouldn't give him another chance because he was suffering so much and it was all right for me as my life hadn't changed at all because I had the house. I was the person abusing her son, controlling him, holding all the cards.

I said that I was not the controlling person in our relationship. That he constantly resorted to threats and ultimatums to control me (which she disputed) - and aside from the violence and control - if my life hadn't actually changed much it was quite a telling thing. I told her that my workload had not doubled since he left and to be honest it probably hasn't even increased by 10%, if that, to which she replied I was dragging up the past again.

I tried telling her that I felt unsafe because he has been behaving in a disturbing and frightening way and my boundaries have been broken - to which she asked me to give examples and then immediately dismissed them by saying that they were in the past (hello, very recent past) or that I was making it all up.

I said that the violence happened - he had hit me several times - once when I was very ill with a newborn. She said that it had only happened the once and only because I was hysterical which made it justified.

She said that if I wanted a divorce my h would stop paying for everything. The house would have to be sold. My h would stop paying for the broadband tonight so that would leave me without a connection. I would have to leave my job because my h would not provide childcare to help me out.

I said that if my h did any of those things and decided not to see or maintain his child and be a deadbeat dad that was his choice.

She said that I was manipulative and nasty. I tried to tell her of things that had happened recently with my h's behaviour - that he kept on saying he would only do the course for me and only if I could guarantee we would get back together - to which she said she had heard him on the telephone and I was a complete liar.

I said that far from being unreasonable I had done everything possible to be reasonable and fair. I had enough on my phone and texts to get my h arrested several times to which I had not done this. She scornfully told me that nothing he had done was harassment and that I was welcome to go to the police.

She told me that my h was going out tonight and that she hoped he would meet someone nicer than me.

She then said that she and my h would get custody of my son and take him away from me. I said that he would unable to get custody because of the violence. She said that Oh yes they would because I was unstable and an abusive mother - the police had been called when my h was not there because I had been screaming and shouting at my son. I said that I was crying but had never shouted at my son, but she said that it was a lie.

I raised my voice and told her that as her son had made choices about how to behave, she had made a choice about what to believe. And that was her choice It doesn't make it true.

She then took my son and left. He was upset and crying. I shouldn't have let him go but I was too upset and shocked.

I just don't know what to do. I don't think I have behaved unreasonably at all.

The fruit didn't fall far from the tree, did it?

You poor thing.

What a horrid way to behave. I hope you will never let her in your house again.

OMG... You should use your posts here to record the happenings of this situation too. You are very clear and concise. Maybe you should ring the police, (is there one in particular that has dealt with this case already) and make an informal report about this visit. So sorry for you and your LO being caught up in this. So what if he cuts you off and you have to sell the house. He has to pay support, it legal.

Fucking Hell!

the violence never happened Eh?! Like alistairsimsaid, the fruit certainly didnt fall far from the tree!

Look, no matter what you say to his family, they are not going to be on your side, they are going to side with their son, probably because they cant bring themselves to think that they have a child who hurts another person, mentally and physically. and

And of course, keep this thread as a record of what has happened and when.

So sorry you had this today.

YOU NEED A NON-MOLESTATION ORDER.

Please go and get one asap. This will prevent any more hand delivered letters. You absolutely need to go to the police (PLEASE) and report the threat and the phone interference, as well as this visit from the mother.

And do not engage with this vile woman any more. Do not let her in. Do not respond to any message she brings from her son. You are not obliged to give answers to her, and certainly not on the spot.

WHile I am not an expert on the law, you should be able to get the non-mol order framed in such a way that that letters handed to you by other people are considered a breach of it. Do not let your XP's mother in your house again. Do not listen to any of the crap she tells you. Remember that police officers, social workers and EXPERTS in domestic violence are ALL telling you that this man is disgusting, mad, WRONG and DANGEROUS.
The outside world, the world of healthy, kind, good people, is ready to help you put all sorts of barriers in place to keep this man AWAY. Let them help you. He has crossed every line in the book. You owe him nothing. Not even a civil word.

Thanks Alistair, Jax and Gotart. Today was really upsetting - on my son too. I felt so attacked and angry that she told me that what I had experienced wasn't true - and how she stooped to personal insults and threatened to take away my son.

I spoke to my husband. He called me as he was really upset as his mum had told him that she had said some home truths to me. I was angry at him too - because she clearly thinks these things because of how he has represented himself to her with is still not taking responsibility for his own actions - and I told him that it seems he needs to be more honest with her.

I told him that I would have to review contact arrangements now in view of this and that I was not prepared to risk any more contact with his mother in front of my son. It is unfortunate that she was the third party who could facilitate contact with my h and ds but I've said that this cannot be allowed to happen again.

I'm not sure exactly what and how to arrange contact now. I do not have a third party who can facilitate this. My h was distraught but I have to find something that works for me and doesn't expose me to this.

Predictably I have had a weak apology by text from his mother. Because my h must have begged her to in order to maintain contact. It really was weak. pathetic even, and insincere. It just stated that she probably said some things that she didn't mean and that she only said things because she cared and she wanted me to 'give love a chance'. Absolute bullshit. I've always felt that she disliked me but she hid it under a veil of hugs and insincerity. Now I know how she feels. And she knew exactly what she was saying and threatening - yes it does seem to be a family trait doesn't it?

I have replied acknowledging the text but basically making it clear that it's not acceptable and there will be consequences. I have said that I am glad that she realises that what happened today cannot happen again, particularly in terms of distressing my son, and that in light of this I would have to review where our contact arrangements go from here.

In some small, very annoying way I can completely see her point of view though. I don't doubt that her precious son is suffering - and she is vicariously suffering too. And yes, it probably is very understandable and a very human thing to do to choose to believe that I am a vicious cow, rather than her son has behaved in a morally and legally reprehensible way and been a bit of a bastard. And it saves her from examining her own motivations and possibly any of her role in influencing her son from childhood (ie has she ever explained to her son that hitting to get your own way is wrong and unnacceptable? I'm guessing no here).

I was going to write down a timeline of all the recent events and my reaction to them - and then it did actually occur to me that I should use this thread as it was written as events have occurred and I have pretty much included everything and how it has made me feel. Good thing too as it turns out if this will be used in any legal action.

From what MIL has threatened today, I do feel that I need to have some sort of residency / occupation order because at the moment there are no sanctions if she and h decide to not return my ds. Which he can legally do.

It's all such a mess. It's as if my h and my in-laws have some kind of kamikaze button that means they are unable to process what is a wrong choice and what is a right choice that will benefit them. Ultimately they have made things a thousand times worse between them - and they will have to suffer the consequences.

You can't expect his mother to hear or see reason where her son is concerned. Obviously, she is slightly barking (which probably explains some about how XH grew up to be who & what he is) but - sane as you are, by contrast - you'd doubtless root for DS in the event of future differences. That said, she shouldn't have even considered attacking you, hence my highly professional diagnosis of "slightly barking"

Your STBX husband is clearly trying to mitigate any potential damage to his caerfully-plotted screenplay, so ignore that. Although - don't iignore the carefully-plotted aspect of all this, as I feel you're still prey to the myth that he's acting out emotionally. He's not, in practical terms at least. He's using everything he knows about you to try and force you back in line.

Don't get bogged down in his/their dramas. Everything he's doing is wrong and designed to throw you. He's your enemy, do you get this yet?

You are an amazing woman Itsnotjust
Yes sort out a residency order

Is there a contact centre near you? I would arrange contact via that if I were you, and yes get a contact order sorted out.

Like garlic said dont get bogged down in their dramas, just carry on with your life and get money etc sorted out as soon as possible so you are not reliant on your STBEX

FFS don't speak to this man. Stop all contact with him and his family, anything they want to communicate to you must be done via a solicitor. You have got to cut them right out.

what a complete bitch your mil is. I agree with the others go for a residency order. You are doing so well, ignore what she says you know the truth x

Residency order, non-mol order, and contact centre.

You keep on saying they need consequences, and then they somehow manage to insult you in your own house and upset your child.

Right now they are playing good cop/bad cop with you (not very well but still...)

agree you need to go no contact - it is hard i know.
but they are each playing off against each other and you

she isnt going to see you as anything other than what she said
he is never going to tell her the truth as you see it - only as he sees it.

it is so easy to get sucked in.

eg "She came in and said that she had a note from my h that he had asked her to give me, and could I look at it now and give an answer."

that is when you say - "i will take the note and read later i dont have the time now. here is DS bye have a lovely day"

contact centre could be one way or another person.

but practice lines to say when on phone or face to face so you dont get drawn in - "have to go now bye"
Sorry i have an appointment bye"

"i cannot discuss that right now, bye"

you dont have to justify to her (or to him)

I actually think that the contact centre would be a good idea anyway. Your dh is a danger to you and is not above playing games and using your ds to hurt you. For your own and ds's safety ask if contact can be made through the cinact centre and then you know beyond all doubt that your ds will be delivered home safely to you. Also agree that you need to get these orders on place asap.

So sorry for you that you are constantly belittled and abused by him and his family. How was your ds?