AF, Dittany, Grace et al Itsnotjustaslap DV Update

[itsnotjustaslap]

Hi

Just thought would update; thought about things and realised that I was coping fine with my son without my husband and not falling apart. He did not contribute anything much to my happiness or to the house or childcare (or at least far less than he thought he did) and that I felt far calmer and happier without him.

He did not really regret the violence or acknowlege that he was controlling or that ranting in front of our son for hours was harming him.

Soo...I contacted Social Services to report my concerns for my son's emotional well being as he wakes in the night for hours and cries (but he has slept through since my husband left) and to report the DV. They stated that they did have real concerns for my son's welfare and wanted to speak with both me and my husband. They also advised me to go to the police which I did.

I wanted the DV to be just put on file however the police stated that he would be arrested and charged regardless of whether I made a statement or not. It was really hard but I made the statement anyway and he was arrested and charged.

Obviously things are very difficult now with him and his family. He is trying everything to win me back, as he does not want to lose everything but has also said that if we get back together I must fully apologise to his family for getting the police involved in a private matter and getting him a criminal record (they can fuck right off!).

I am sooo much happier without him. The police protection unit have told me that if I go back to him he will seriously harm me so that makes my decision easier.

He does not yet know that my decision is made and it will be really difficult when he does know as he will become very angry and possibly violent and I do have concerns about contact with our son. But I'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

So glad you have managed to avoid the case conference procedure by removing your H from your life, just further illustrates that you are the sane, sensible loving parent, and your H is just the opposite. You and your DS have a real chance of happiness now

I am so glad you have escaped tha half-life you were living in

Good luck with the supervised contact

Please remember, any funny business/stunts/attemped emotional blackmail of your or your son.... you walk

Would it be better in the long run to have contact at a supervised contact centre ? These people have no emoional investment in feeling sorry for your H, they have seen all the old tricks in the book and won't fall for any of them.

I don't acually think using a friend (who is already having her srings yanked) is a good idea. I hope it goes OK.

sorry, a few t 's missing there

you get the gist I hope

Op, you are incredibly strong you know, I'm so impressed by how together you are being.

Good luck tomorrow. Hope it goes well for your son as much as anything

Thanks Anyfucker (I just love typing your name) and Migrating; today went really as well as it could have been expected.

I was late meeting my friend and husband (parking woes) and my husband was very nervous and ill at ease. He looked better than I expected looking at least clean and washed.

We were civil and the conversation was strictly about our son and what beverages to order. Once or twice I caught him looking at me as if looking at a new person. Whilst I have never been a confident person, I have never felt more confident or acted more assertively. He is completely nonplussed; fumbled with the buggy and seemed unable to complete very simple tasks he had always done to the nth degree like wiping my son's face.

He was unable to eat, but I happily tucked into some crisps and a muffin.

He held it together for my son's sake, and although the most subdued I've ever seen him managed not to distress our son at all so that was a success. It was a short visit as my son needed a nap but I was pleased that he didn't pull any fast ones or did any relationship discussion.

The one thing that shocked me was how I felt absolutely nothing emotionally for him. He could have been an acquaintance. I know from my friend that he now feels an awful lot for me now which he did not before (she wasn't saying this to win me back; she doesn't think he deserves me at all and hopes for my sake that I will leave).

I have had a few texts from him thanking me for letting him see his son and telling me that he now realises how much he unappreciated me. That's a bit by the by now as I would never, ever go back to the man I left.

I will speak with Social Services and clarify what I can arrange re supervised contact and what they are happy with in the circumstances.

My mum has removed the wedding photos now; which made me briefly emotional, as did thinking about how hard it is going to be ahead re my son; the potty training, discipline and other battles yet to come that I will have to do on my own. His second birthday, and other milestones.

My husband has said that he will move out of the house this week so I can return with my son (I will be getting bolts fitted to the front door) as he cannot face living there and he recognises that it is the most convenient place for me and our son to be.

Next week I will get some new girly bedding and perhaps re-arrange some bedroom furniture because I don't want to be reminded of what was and what could have been either.

I will start the legal stuff tomorrow about the occupation Order but will not serve asap - it's there ready and waiting.

I don't love my husband - he killed my love for him because of the way he treated me; but i really hope that he uses this as a steep learning curve to becoming a much better person and father - I don't want my son to feel ashamed of half his identity, and I hope in about 15 years time I can say to my son that yes, what his father did was very wrong, but he is not the same person now as he was then.

We shall see. Will keep everyone updated. I think this will be really hard but I'm sure I'll get through this

Good for you! I couldn't read this withought posting. Enjoy this high, it's lovely to regain your strength after such an exhausting ordeal.

There can be some weird phases later on, too - the weird feeling of quiet after all the highs and lows, for example. But I'm sure you'll have good support in getting used to your new life.

You've done so, so well. Keep it up!!

Gosh, your last post made me have a little weep (in a good way)

You will get through this, I know you will x

Such a lot of sadness caused by his awful behaviour. I am so pleased you are finding a way out. You show such emotional intellegence!

I can't believe I made you weep Anyfucker! - you are well 'ard.

Thank you Migrating you make me too!

Yeah today was good. Sorted out a lot of business regarding staying safer in the home and have a load of window and doorstop alarms to fit when back home.

Social Services have confirmed that they don't have concerns for our son's contact with our son - just for now, and I'm not sure for how long; make sure that there is no direct contact with each other when it comes to dropping off / picking up.

Social Services did contact my husband today and gave him a bollocking by pointing out that he has been emotionally abusing his son. For all his (many) faults he is a loving dad and this has really hit him hard.

He is still hoping for a reconciliation, but he understands now that he doesn't call the shots anymore. Social Services have been quite blunt with the fact that they would look at care proceedings if we were to get back together; and they would insist that he fully participate with a DV perpetrators course.

My husband phoned me up today and I agreed to speak to him for five minutes. We have agreed to Relate and he seems to be pinning his hopes on this atm.

He asked me what my intentions were and I have just said that it is for our son to be happy and secure. I would like us to achieve a good working relationship to achieve this so that we can eventually get to the stage where we can want and safely spend family time together. The best outcome may well be that we can both be loving parents - apart.

He seems pretty cut up by this but there is no point in giving him false hope. Right now the most important thing is that he has to give me indefinate space and respect me - Social Services have told him that he cannot just come and go to our marital home otherwise they will start proceedings.

I know he is devastated now. I am sorry for his sake and very sorry that it took an arrest, a conviction, a further police visit and Social Services for him to respect me.

I go back to my house Weds. I know this is the way it has to be for my son's sake but I can feel myself wobbling about returning to the marital home as effectively a single person.

I can hear the wobbles in your post, notjust.
Don't panic :) You have done a wonderful job so far - firstly, in prioritising your safety and your son's. That looks obvious written down, but takes a lot of courage and heartache to put into practice. Secondly - and this is going an extra mile or two - you've made definite dents in XP's conviction that his way is the only way.

If I were worrued about you, my concern would be that you hope the 'new man' you create will be a lifetime partner for you as well as a lifetime Dad for your son. I'm aware you know better than that, but maybe you don't quite feel the knowledge yet? Give yourself time, please, and keep that river of common sense flowing.

Locks and a coat of paint will help fix the home problem - you can start by rearranging furniture, it makes more difference than it should! Stay strong & wise :)

stands up and gives you OP a standing ovation<

you brave brave, inspiring strong woman you...

you'll be giving many people on here hope for themselves.

Not sure what there is to be gained in Relate, unless it's a chance for you to set down your new rules for how the relationship is to be conducted.

And please don't feel too sorry for him. He did what he did for years and now has his tail between his legs but maybe temporarily -- this same man was demanding an apology from you not too long ago, shouting in the letterbox at you. And he was completely unconcerned about his little son as he raged at you.

Keep your courage up.

If I were you I would have a friend go with me when you return to the house. I would be very inclined to ask the exH to only call you at set times and days if he's going to call. The more rules you foist upon him and insist he keeps, the better. And limit the number of texts he can make per day. Best is to have communication limited to e-mail. That way you have a record of any threats too.

notjustaslap, what an amazing story of courage and rebirth :). You do sound like a liberated woman who is rediscovering her life and making the very best of it. I am just sorry that your son had to suffer through this, and I hope your soon-to-be ExH does not put him through any more pain.

Please keep writing. And enjoy your new life, it's all out there for you to grab!

just wanted to add my support for your bravery, sense and love for your son, which shines through.

maybe you should print off this thread and stick it on your fridge so if you have a wobble you can reread your wise words and the responses you have got, to keep you going forwards!

all the very best for your future.

I couldn't lurk any longer and not also add my support (and join in the standing ovation!) I don't know you and yet I'm so happy for you and your son.
I think its a great idea to print out this thread and keep it close so that if you do wobble you can read through it.
Good luck and I really hope this all works out for you and your wee boy

Thank you so much for all your messages mathanxiety, aurynne, toomuch and seoraemaeul & Grace

I moved back home this evening. It's really strange, but if feels relaxed and safe again. I put on an iron bar lock on the front door which means that no-one can open it from the outside even if they have a key.

The house is very clean and tidy (my husband cleaned everything before he went - first time for everything I suppose) and there is a brand new duvet set on the bed. It is my home now, and my son's for the forseeable future (I don't know how things will pan out and I know my husband wouldn't be able to support us on his income when he gets somewhere else). The chances are that the house will have to be sold, but I'm not up to seeing that far ahead right now.

Relate was interesting. They cannot help us right now because of the abuse and they do not collude with an abusive relationship. when they got to the 'so tell me why are you here' stage I asked to speak first and said everything; how I felt my husband had bullied me through the relationship, been controlling and had been violent and threatened violence on more than a handful of occasions. That it had been always my fault.

The counsellor asked for me to describe the violent incidents (there were only four - but four too many) which I did. I said that I was in fear of my life because the arguments that led to violence were very trivial and I had to ask my husband what would have happened if I had ever done anything really bad in his eyes like have an affair or for him to see me kiss another man.

I said that my husband's inability to stop being argumentative or let me take time out during arguments impacted on my son and was a catalyst for me to leave.

My husband was asked what he thought of what I'd just said. To his credit he said that everything I'd said was true and he agreed with my account. He did say that he hadn't necessarily meant his threats and he did not realise how frightened I'd been.

The counsellor to her credit fixed my husband with a very withering stare and replied that when you have no power or control within a relationship you have no idea what your partner might do so threats can make you very frightened and that i had genuinely been gravely afraid for my safety.

She then validated the damage on our son by telling my husband that every time he had argued at me or been abusive towards me in front of my son he had changed my son's personality and his future potential by turning him into someone who he would not have been without this. Every time. I could have cried at this as it is so true.

I was given a Women's Aid leaflet and my husband was given a leaflet for the RESPECT / ADAPT programme.

Immediately after the meeting, my husband called the program and asked to be contacted.

My husband is very much hoping that we will reconcile but I have told him that we should just keep our relationship to the achievable and aim to be good, caring co-parents. We need to get to the point where we are comfortable in each other's presence but it needs to be limited to our son and not our relationship.

I am pleased that he wants to comply with the DV perpetrators programme which he needs to do for his own sake, and not mine; but just saying that you will do something is good but it actually means very little. It's like saying that you want to be a Samaritan on a recruitment drive and signing up, but it means nothing without doing the training, understanding and practice first (my dear friend is a Sams volunteer).

I've asked for my husband to look for a new place to live. It doesn't have to be a long term lease as it is hard to think of the future for either of us, but he has to accept that this is the reality.

Don't worry I'm not wobbling. I'm just so angry and sad that I now get flashes of respect, consideration and humility from him - now.

Why did he not act like this before? I loved him so much and he squandered my love. I deserved so much more.

You are amazing. That now of yours - that day late and a dollar short feeling is horrible, coupled with the statement that he didn't realise how frightened you were and hadn't necessarily meant the threats -- I can identify with it all. It's a very sad feeling that so much was just wasted. And it made my blood boil. Why say something horrible if you didn't mean it, and what kind of fool doesn't know how a threat is being received....

So glad you have the bar on the door. Stay firm and don't engage with him on the matter of your relationship. Your counsellor sounds so good, and absolutely right in her assessment of the situation. I don't think your H had her fooled for a minute. Well done for speaking up for yourself and taking control of the meeting. I would go to the Women's Aid locally if you can, and do the Freedom Programme if it's offered.

Beware that going to the perpetrators group may just give your H a ready made little group of horrible friends all equally hostile to the women in their lives and all sharing tips on continuing to be a thorn in the sides of their former partners. Some groups do more harm than good. Judge him by his actions as well as his words.

Gosh, yes are amazing

Remember what you said...his agreement to attend a DV programme means nothing

Keep your emotional distance from this man, it sounds like he will agree to anything for a reconciliation

His understanding of what he had done is so poor though, he would readily slip back into abusing you once the dust had settled

you and ds don't need that in your life

I just read your thread and couldn't not post. Your reading of his behaviour is spot on, its actions not words that are meaningful.

You are being unbelieveably strong and resiliant.

It is your son who will thank you in years to come as he will benefit from your strength and rejection of his dad's behaviour.

Well done you are being so strong !

Just finished reading your thread and am sitting here in total admiration of what you have achieved.

I hope you go from strength to strength - well done!

There's nothing wrong with pitying the creature your husband has become; with mourning how the child he was has grown up. It's a sad story - although I would add that he does have a choice in how he behaves, if not in how he feels, and he behaved very badly.

Pity is one thing, though. Letting him back in your life is quite another. I am relieved to hear you don't think of it as a possibility at this time and hope your determination remains.

Re what he said at counselling: well he can say that now, in front of a stranger, but when you said the same he didn't listen. He's been arrested and told by the police, social services and Relate that what he did was wrong, and maybe the oft-repeated message is getting through (or maybe he sees it as expedient to display remorse), but at no time did he take you seriously. At no time did he say "she does not like this so I will stop." He's been made to stop. It will take a whole lot more to change his entire attitude, so that he puts you first rather than what he wants. I'll eat my hat if he's turned his whole world view around in this short a time. As long as he's talking about getting back together the indication is that he is still in that mindset, and even if he didn't knock you about any more it would be because he feared the consequences, not because he believed you should live without pain or fear. If he ever learns true empathy he will understand why you might not wish to live with him any more, and respect your choice.

well done, agree you doing so well.

i like the bit about the wine - toasting his departure... i have found it difficult to stomach his gifts - in all senses....so i think that attitude is one to adopt...tho most recent was a hat which fortunately my aunt decided she liked so took it off my hands (head)

also great you had support of SS. i did have (and still do have) support from SS but they were unable to get messages across to exP as he was aggresive to them or just refused to speak to them!

also on the perpertator programme - yes watch out - my ex did attend some programme anger management - came back saying he had met people who had really beaten up their wives and partners so what he had done (pushing, shoving, smashing objects/doors etc, holding us hostage and refusing to leave...) was nothing...and in any case was my fault because i provoked him.

it is interesting about the relate - unfortunately when i attendded "family therapy" with my exP (referred by GP) I had thought that in the referral they had all details background - turns out they didnt..so they didnt start by asking me to describe what had happened, incidents...so i think it was so good this was all said.

agree with mat about setting very clear boundaries from the start in terms of contact etc establishing a set schedule as this will be better for DS and he will soon adapt.

look up local contact centres - volunteer ones are not expensive (or free) and for a one year old the evironment could be fine - space, toys, soft play etc.

www.naccc.org.uk/

stay strong !

Hello all, after a wee break I'm back. I'm fine, I really am.

It's been a hard couple of weeks, mainly due to my ds being unwell and not sleeping, and trying to cope with everyday life, his care, my work and extreme sleep deprivation. But I have, even if I've had to ask for help and for the first time ever asked a family member to look after my ds for a night so i could sleep.

I have had a few moments where I've cried and yelled, and a few days where everything went wrong; my (bitchy) sister told me that she couldn't help me at all with support as she was 8 weeks pregnant when I asked her for help on the phone, and while at a mother and baby group I told another mother that I had split from my husband (without mentioning the DV etc) and that I might get a doll as my son was very interested in her dd's and she said "You might as well as you'll not be having a daughter then" which fucking killed me

I miss the might have beens; I am grieving for my babies that never will be; it will be highly unlikely that I will get another opportunity to meet someone, fall in love, they love me, settle down, commit and have babies - and this for me feels just as bad as being told that I will not have more children due to medical reasons.

However it's not too bad. I'm not happy, but I'm not unhappy either.

My husband is still being very attentive but tbh I see him in a different light now. When my ds was napping he wanted to talk about our relationship and the future, so I agreed on condition that he never pressures me to talk about it again.

He admitted the abuse. How he rejected me, put me down and did not respect me. I asked him why he did this. He found it really difficult and cried, but at last told me simply because he could. He knew some things were wrong but he thought because I loved him unconditionally he thought he could treat me like this because I would always be there.

I've told him he was so stupid to take something good and twist it. I told him that he is really fucked up and needs to sort himself out, man up and face himself.

I will never hate him, and this may be the making of him but I feel so sorry for him. He must be very insecure really and feel that he was not worthy of love so set out to sabotage himself.

But I'm fine. And I always will be.

Things haven't gone that well really. I got to a point in the week where I really couldn't cope anymore.

My v ds has been ill constantly for three weeks. Since becoming ill with colds and being congested it has totally thrown his sleep patterns and he has again started having night terrors many, many times a night - often more than five or six, with many hours of settling him in the night. I have managed, on average 3.5 disrupted hours of sleep a night, every night for the last few weeks (and worked, sorted out the house and my son etc without help).

I have managed pretty well up to now, but it got to the point sometime in the week where I had a mini meltdown and shouted and cried a lot for around half an hour. (I didn't shout at my son - he was in another room - my anger was more directed at God or fate etc). My (lovely, concerned) neighbour called the police as she thought I sounded desperate and she was worried for my son. The policeman was really nice and basically told me that I must get my family to help me more at this time, so for the first time ever he slept away from me that night at my mum's so I could get some sleep.

I feel like such a bad mum for shouting in front of my child; he has been traumatised enough recently and he doesn't need this. I know Social Services will be involved again and that worries me as this does count as emotional abuse and that puts me in the same position as my abusive husband. But honestly, except for the last week, I have NEVER expressed frustration in shouting, and never ever raised my voice at my son.

There is just so much that I cannot reconcile at the moment; my husband as a loving father, respectful to me, the (admittedly not so much) good memories we shared, and the other side of his personality that has scared me.

I am getting one-to-one support from Women's Aid who have been fabulous. Although my husband is being 'nice' towards me they have helped me to recognise that he is still trying to control me by using threats of withdrawing all financial support (which I desperately need to cover the mortgage) if he needs to find somewhere else to live. He also keeps on assuming that we will get back together and asking if he was going to buy me something would I like diamonds etc (no, no, nothing from you thank you very much).

Womens Aid are still very much concerned for my safety. I have been feeling almost invincible for the last month and safer than I have when we were together; but some of his profiling has made both them and the police concerned. Particularly the inabiility to see that being physically violent to me crossed any boundaries and the complete lack of any remorse when it happened. My support worker is also very concerned when I told her that my husband has been saying that he is so sexually attracted to me that he doesn't think he can control himself when I am around.

When he told me this about one occasion it did totally freak me out because that night we had just been watching tv together waiting for ds to fall asleep in the evening before husband leaving for his mother's. Trust me any sexual relations were (and are) the last thing that was on my mind - I felt comfortably unsexual in jeans and a very unflattering (but v snuggly) hand knit fluffy jumper (I look yeti like in it).

It's very, very difficult to process all of this. On the one hand I do really need his help at this time - not as a favour to me, but for him to take some parental responsibility for his son - ie deal too with the shitty nights. He has stayed over on the couch a couple of times to help out in the night. I am uncomfortable with this - not because I feel in danger but it sends out the wrong messages.

If you should trust your instincts, I do have a voice really strongly alarming me. I am listening to it and acknowledge it but I really, really cannot deal with it at this time.

We are separated; I have made it clear that he has to move elsewhere and that I really don't even want to discuss our relationship until after he has finished his course. And I've told him that even, if from now on he does everything right in the sense that he has acknowledged and changed his own pattern of behaviour, I still have the right to tell him at any time that it's not working for me and never will do.

I think that's what the little voice in my head wants me to do; but simply, I cannot cope with anything more right now and it isn't the right time for me to make that decision.

I am worried that sheer tiredness and inability to cope will mean that I will cave in to my husband's wishes to just move back in on the sofa to help me out with childcare.

I know I must not do this. But my life is such a mess right now

Sorry so long...