AF, Dittany, Grace et al Itsnotjustaslap DV Update

[itsnotjustaslap]

Hi

Just thought would update; thought about things and realised that I was coping fine with my son without my husband and not falling apart. He did not contribute anything much to my happiness or to the house or childcare (or at least far less than he thought he did) and that I felt far calmer and happier without him.

He did not really regret the violence or acknowlege that he was controlling or that ranting in front of our son for hours was harming him.

Soo...I contacted Social Services to report my concerns for my son's emotional well being as he wakes in the night for hours and cries (but he has slept through since my husband left) and to report the DV. They stated that they did have real concerns for my son's welfare and wanted to speak with both me and my husband. They also advised me to go to the police which I did.

I wanted the DV to be just put on file however the police stated that he would be arrested and charged regardless of whether I made a statement or not. It was really hard but I made the statement anyway and he was arrested and charged.

Obviously things are very difficult now with him and his family. He is trying everything to win me back, as he does not want to lose everything but has also said that if we get back together I must fully apologise to his family for getting the police involved in a private matter and getting him a criminal record (they can fuck right off!).

I am sooo much happier without him. The police protection unit have told me that if I go back to him he will seriously harm me so that makes my decision easier.

He does not yet know that my decision is made and it will be really difficult when he does know as he will become very angry and possibly violent and I do have concerns about contact with our son. But I'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

have been lurking - actually I think OP is playing games here - I am fairly sure they will still be together in some form another 3 months from now...

Another lurker here; I'm reeling with shock that anyone would not tell the police about a threat to burn their house down.

A threat is a threat, and whether you see it as genuine or not is irrelevant - I'm sure the police would take a dim view of someone hurling these sorts of threats around.

As far as he's concerned, he can make such statements with impunity; whether you now have an occupation order or not, who's to say you won't have to spend another sleepless night thanks to whatever other hideous idea he decides to conjure up?

Seems to be a Doublethink thing going on here. I don't think you realise what normal behaviour is, OP. It's not normal or acceptable to threaten to burn someone's house down, nor is it normal or acceptable not to let someone making a threat like that get away with it. I actually think this person needs to be removed from society for all of our sakes.

I think you need to speak to the police DV officer and put that threat on record. There's no such thing as 'just a threat'. A threat is a crime in and of itself. What he said is just as illegal as setting a match to the house. You absolutely need to report the tampering with the phone. Please check to make sure he hasn't installed some listening device there. "I don't think you realise what normal behaviour is OP' -- I agree. It's not your fault but his that you have been conditioned. You don't have to protect this man from the consequences of his own words and acts here. He is not a delicate, upset, misguided, bumbling idiot. He is a dangerous person who must be stopped in his tracks asap.

Now you know from the breaking in and creepy note and the reaction to your confident "yep" that he is a highly aggressive person who only responds to real action, right? And also that he is not so fragile that he cannot cope with the D word, right?

I know you're exhausted, but please don't let the grass grow under your feet before taking the other necessary steps. Don't be in the position of responding to some crisis generated by him. Find out what you should do when you speak with the solicitor, and take those steps. Get into the driver's seat here. It is terribly hard to wrap your mind around that concept when you've been ground down for so long, but for your sake it must be done. Don't wait for the H to file papers. I wouldn't put it past him.

He will understand and can take whatever legal steps are required of him in response. He knew all along what power you have potentially held to gain control over even his coming and going from the house yet he continued to boldly make himself at home and interfere with the phone etc.

This H of yours knows fully where he stands (i.e. in the doghouse) and he knew all along that you could keep him out of the house.

You can choose to take this plaster off slowly and painfully or you can choose to do it soon, and as fast as possible.

Oh please follow the advice on here.

This man is giving you warning after warning after warning, he is demonstrating all the time that he is not to be trusted and you are saying "it's just a threat". Please please please stop doing the protection thing. You are protecting him and protecting him and protecting him. Stop. Please.

Thanks for all your messages Jux, mathan, Squeaky, henchick & whatswrong.

henchick I'm absolutely not playing games. I'm just in a very scary place in that I honestly did not realise I was in an abusive relationship until now. It's not a position that I would wish on anyone even my worst enemy.

I don't want to go back to my relationship but I am not sure what is going to happen next. I am sad because I really wanted my marriage to work, but realise now that I was living in a half life but thought that normal. And it crept up slowly; wasn't like this at all at the beginning; and then gradually it got worse. But I didn't recognise it because I believed him when he said I should be lucky to have him, and when he said I was a waste of space. Because my self confidence had ebbed to such a point that it honestly did make sense.

The reason it's been a while since I last updated is that it's been so quiet. I've lived my life like an Eastenders episeode for so long now that it just seems unreal. There has been no contact, nothing. Just his mum picking up our ds on the prearranged day for contact, frostily polite. Just that. No texts, phone calls, arriving at the house. It has been nice.

mathan & squeaky I haven't spoken to the police but it is recorded. I have been offered the arson taskforce to come round and fit a fireproof box to the letterbox if I want. I've thought about it over the weekend and decided that even if it seems a bit ott (because I think it would be very unlikely that he would ever do this) I would like to have it for peace of mind so will ask for it to be installed.

Likewise I will be getting interior bolts fitted to the front door. I am sure that nothing is going to happen but I had a really uncomfortable night a couple of nights ago when a really big bang awoke me - it was from next door but it did really sound as if someone had got through the doorbrace; and I had to creep downstairs with the loft hatch pole, heart hammering and wondering what on earth to do if it was him.

I feel like someone has died. I'm ok and I don't miss my h but am grieving for what could have been. If he hadn't been a bastard. Wondering what is going to happen with maintenance and the house. Wondering if my ds will hate me at some stage because I broke up with his dad and it was my fault. I hope that he can understand why I had to do it, and I hope he will grow into a person who will never do that to anyone else.

It's so hard

Hi :)

Glad things are peaceful. Your son will not hate you. He will be proud of a mum who had the strength to not be treated badly.

I would also say keep a bottle of perfume or hairspray by the side of the bed, and use that if by any remote chance he tried to get in. He could wrestle a pole off you, but he (and any other intruder for that matter) would be much more incapacitated with eyes streaming from perfume or hairspray. (Its a shame pepper spray is illegal in the UK at times).

I doubt very much that would happen though, as it does sound like the dust is starting to settle, and he is accepting that it is over. Which is fantastic.

:)

I would like to repeat what Squeaky said abut your DS. Sorry you are dealing with his frostily polite mum, but better by far than dealing with him. He is giving you the silent treatment? Good. But I like the idea of the perfume/ hairspray there. You could get yourself a spray bottle and fill it with tabasco too... Not nice up the nose or in the eyes.

Same for the hairspray. Glad you're getting the bolts on the doors and that the fire people will come around. The 'powers that be' are taking your situation seriously. Please let other people do their jobs here and do not try to do any sort of risk assessment yourself.

I still think you should talk with the DV officer a your local station and record the threat there. That way, if you call at 2 in the morning to report suspicious activity you will be Priority Number One for them. You won't have to spend time explaining or persuading them about urgency.

They will not think you are being a nuisance or overblowing things in any way. They would much rather prevent a tragedy than mop up the aftermath.

You could easily know what will happen next if you took the bull by the horns here and filed the papers for separation, maintenance, custody, etc. Please don't wait for your H to act and be caught on the back foot here. It's easy to get into the habit of waiting for the next shoe to fall and to lost the mindset of being the master of your own destiny when you've been gradually ground down to the point where you believe you are lucky to have such a great catch, that you are a waste of space, etc. But in order to become your own woman here requires action on your part above all, and not passive waiting around for him to make his next move. It's great that you are taking defensive measures and guarding your physical safety, but the next step is to start really trusting the supports that exist for you and to make the reports (to the police), file those papers that will sever you and the H legally, and stop swimming with one foot on the bottom.

You don't have to believe he is capable of carrying through his threats in order to do all of this. You just have to believe that you will be ok on your own with the DS, and you just have to believe that you need to take action for your own sake.

You don't need his permission or his mother's permission to do this. You can live with them disliking you, even hating you, for what you do. It is up to them to get over themselves, not to you to steer around them for fear of what they will do in response. You are going to have to break some eggs here in order to make the omelette.

That the ground rules we had supposedly agreed like intelligent adults were not standing and so puts my son at risk

Not just your son. You are at just a big a risk. You need to make boundaries & stick to them. Hard!

My h again let himself in today when I was feeding our son]

Why aren't you using the door bolts? Isn't this what they for?T To stop him being able to enter? Yet, you never use them, so I find rather a waste that they have supplied another one.

I am really not sure what to make of your posts, OP. You don't really seem to want him to go away. Several days ago you were told (here) to stop engaging with him, yet you continue to enter dialogue with him. You refuse to be adamant with him about what you want. Your rules get constantly broken by him, yet you let it happen!

Also, you are not reporting the arson threat? Why? I think this is stupid, in all honesty! He has shown how horrible he can be, but yet you let this stand?

You NEED to report it. Get it on file. If it does (God forbid) ever happen, you have no proof it was ever him.

Also, his brother is violent, so it obviously runs in the family. Why aren't you running as fast as you can!?

And sorry, but you are not free. He is telling what he wants you to hear re the access. He is lulling you into a false sense of security.

He seems to have you fooled, I think.

Don't get too comfortable with this new access arrangement. I don't know, but it seems to me that it is a means to an end for him. That he is stalling. Biding his time. Letting you think he has backed off, then he will launch an attack again!

Please be very careful. He was so full on & not getting it, then this? No, not convinced. Sorry.

Hi everyone just a quick update as I'm not well.

Saw the solicitor today; a DV specialist. Had the IDVA support. Her legal opinion was that we should do a stern solicitor letter before going for an Occupation Order because it would be looked on more favourably by a judge because it has set out clear boundaries first. So that is what was drafted. Should my h's behaviour deteriorate (and I have no idea how he would react to solicitor's letter)we go straight to the order and a non-molestation order.

I use the door braces as soon as my ds is in bed; I didn't use them in the day before as my h was not at first coming round unannounced into the house. Since last week I use my keys in the locked door to stop him or anyone else with a key from letting themself in - I was advised not to use the braces during the day whenever possible because it sends out the message to my ds (even though he is young) that the house is unsafe and he has something to fear from the Outside.

I was hospitalised last night for observation as had been suffering from giddyness and faintness as soon as had woken up; and when it got worse during the evening I went to A&E just to get it checked out but was admitted as had a very pronounced heart murmur. They said it was probably nothing but as I've had recent dental work they had to run some urgent blood tests etc and do an ecg. Fortunately everything has come back clear so I was released during the night and went back to my mum's overnight.

I feel better today but still a bit breathless so will go to bed now to sleep it off

That sounds like a delayed reaction panic/anxiety attack, which is very understandable with all that you are going through.

:) If you get it again, see your GP, as they can probably prescribe something mild to help.

I'm sorry you're unwell, notjust. It was most likely a stress reaction - and is a warning worth heeding, ime. Are you off work? Get some real play time with DS, if possible. And sleep, even if you have to go to a hotel to do it :)

What about borrowing a friend's house while they're on holiday? My mates were brilliant for that while I was being stressed to buggery. The change of environment makes a good difference. I agree with squeakytoy about a short-term antianxiety prescription, too, and it will be good for you to do something like meditation, yoga or pilates - to 'centre' yourself for half an hour a day.

Hope you get that warning letter off sharpish Keep moving, you're doing absolutely brilliantly. x

Garlic is right, you are probably mentally exhausted, and even at night not sleeping very well. Can you stay at your mums for a few days, just so you can properly recharge your batteries and not be constantly on edge listening out for someone trying a key in the door.

How old is your DS again? I had to put a bolt up high on front and back doors when DD2 let herself out one day when she was about 3 and skipped off to the park. I had to call the police because she had literally vanished. DD3 sleepwalks occasionally and the bolts give me peace of mind. All the DCs know they're there and know why, and since I've been single they appreciate them more.

I wouldn't hesitate to install or use the bolts and braces. Make no mention of them, just use them matter of factly.

Which is potentially more scary to your DS, your H coming in and causing an ugly scene or you quietly using whatever security you can?

You might find yourself less stressed if you were sure your house couldn't be invaded, day or night. Peace of mind is precious.

He's coming in when the bars aren't on because he has a key. Change the locks. Also, you were told to use the bars at night because it was felt thre was no risk of him making unwanted entry during the day. Well that has now changed so use the bars.

have been lurking op and just wanted to know if your ok? You have been given great advice on here. As a child who had to live through dv against dm for many years, please dont put your ds through what i went through. Your dh will never change and your ds will be haunted by it always if he has to live in that environment. I have also known boys who witnessed dv going onto be abusers themselves as they think thats the norm. Hope your ok

Hi am feeling better today, but a bit low. I read Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that cover to cover while my ds slept. It made me cry. Because I can see my dh as not just a person but as a type. That he did what he did not out of Freudian repression or any other psychological excuses but because well his behaviour was of benefit to him. And that's it. The banality of evil.

My mum came over for a couple of hours and we took ds to the park. While he was on the swings I talked to her a bit and she began to cry at something I said; that I was more lonely with my dh when we were together than I am now. The lonliest thing was sharing a bed with my dh; when we went to bed we would never hug or kiss. That he would just roll over on his side. If I wanted a hug he would complain that his ipod headphones wouldn't extend enough or that he didn't want to kiss me because I used lipbalm.

Occasionally; about one night in a month, he would suddenly reach over and ruffle my hair (usually a few hours after he had said something really hurtful) and I felt so grateful and loved for that tiny morsel of comfort and affection; and my mum started crying at that point

The letter was sent out today; the solicitor read it to me by phone to approve it. I don't know what will happen yet but I contacted the HV today to chase up progress on the conference and update on recent events (ie v low probability of reconciliation and v high probability of further incidents).

I leave the door brace on all the time now. And the key in the door. But I cannot predict what happens now and in the next few months. Whether I will get through this ok or whether I will be further harmed. Even a non molestation order cannot protect me when he knows my daily routines and work. My future safety and well being are dependent on my h's behaviour.

The letter will, I imagine enrage him and his family as it is easy for him and them to imagine me as a crazy, vindictive, bitch-woman, than to actually confront the truth. That will make contact with my ds even more tense than it already is, and I am certain that they and my h will fight me every step of the way for custody and the house.

I want to leave me life. Not in a 'have you been having suicidal thoughts' way but it a 'I don't want to be where I am right now' way. I would like to fast forward the next 12 months but if there are approaching legal battles ahead - my life will be really unpleasant in the long run - even disregarding any threat to my physical wellbeing. And my h will withdraw all financial support of which I'm certain. I cannot afford the mortgage, let alone bills.

Mathan my ds is almost 2. My brother says he will fix some internal bolts (not changing the locks as my h can ask for a key and I legally have to give it to him).

Thanks for your concern squeaky and garlic. I don't know if it was a panic thing or not but I will call my GP anyway tomorrow as she asked me to phone her a couple of weeks ago as she wanted to be updated on my situation (she is being really kind).

What hurts the most is that my mummy friends - the people that I met and bonded with at groups together and my fb friends have dropped me like a stone as soon as they became aware that I am facing significant problems. They don't want to know. There has been no offer of support, just meet ups that I am not informed about until after the event. Perhaps they are judging me. Perhaps they are worried that it's catching. Perhaps they think that if they reached out to me I would become a leech, emotionally draining and depressing. Perhaps they simply don't know what to say and it's easier to just say nothing.

But it really hurts. I need people the most right now, and normality like taking my ds to mix with other children. I would promise not to even mention my situation but meh

go to other groups. make new friends. they werent true friends

yes you are in for a long haul but you will get thru it

Those mummies are not your friends. Don't worry about it, do things one step at a time. I empathise completely with what you said about the loneliness in bed - I've been and am lonely at many other times, but no loneliness hurts like that when you're sleeping in the same bed as your enemy the one person who's supposed to love & understand you. I empathise, too, with the flatness you feel after identifying his behaviours - is that it? I gave so much to ... that? :(

I'm very happy for you, that your mum and brother are showing practically that they care for you. Hold fast: you will get through this storm.

Sending you a hug & wishing you wisdom.

itsnotjustaslap
been following your thread and wanted to congratulate with you, you have truly come a long way
Now - as you know - is crunch time
Yes it may be the ''most dangerous time'' for backlash, but you sound in good spirit in spite of it all and you will be ok.
You have to be cautious but your family is supporting you, that's fab
With regard to your friend, I can honestly say that it may be for the best not to have around people you couldnt trust and feel at easy completely. I had great friends but my troubles took their tool on them and I tell you it is not nice to be the needy one. Even when you are ok and in actual fact you dont need anything whatsoever they still feel some kind of gloom around you, not healthy at all (Hope it makes sense not sure I am explaining well)
all the best, will be checking on your progress

my crap spelling

Good to see you post again.

Your comments about the loneliness being most poignant in bed are so true.

You are right about not changing the locks as long as your H is part owner of the house.

You are also right to some extent that your future safety is dependent on your H's behaviour. But that has actually always been the case. You didn't have any control over him before and nothing has changed now except that you are no longer in battened down defensive mode and he is faced with initiatives you are taking. How he will react is unpredictable, but then up to now his response to you, while somewhat predictable, always had an element of hostility and threat to it. Now your gloves are off too -- his came off a good while back.

Your safety to a great extent will depend on your H understanding that no matter what he and his family may think about you, the law is the law, so I urge you to report every single threat, every single crossing of the legal line that he does. He has to be taught not to cross those lines. Even the worst bully knows not to mess with the police. Let them do what they're paid for.

Your well-being -- that is something you can have an effect on. Drop the mummies who have dropped you. Do not go after people who are unavailable. Take your DS to another group when you're able to and seek out new friends gradually. MN is always here too, with lots of concern and care for you. Lean on your family. Glad to hear your brother will be helping you with the security. Take your own security seriously.

However, your H cannot just withdraw all financial support. Ask your solicitor for an outline of your H's responsibilities. It may well be that you will have to move from where you are -- the upside of that is that your H cannot have a key...