AF, Dittany, Grace et al Itsnotjustaslap DV Update

[itsnotjustaslap]

Hi

Just thought would update; thought about things and realised that I was coping fine with my son without my husband and not falling apart. He did not contribute anything much to my happiness or to the house or childcare (or at least far less than he thought he did) and that I felt far calmer and happier without him.

He did not really regret the violence or acknowlege that he was controlling or that ranting in front of our son for hours was harming him.

Soo...I contacted Social Services to report my concerns for my son's emotional well being as he wakes in the night for hours and cries (but he has slept through since my husband left) and to report the DV. They stated that they did have real concerns for my son's welfare and wanted to speak with both me and my husband. They also advised me to go to the police which I did.

I wanted the DV to be just put on file however the police stated that he would be arrested and charged regardless of whether I made a statement or not. It was really hard but I made the statement anyway and he was arrested and charged.

Obviously things are very difficult now with him and his family. He is trying everything to win me back, as he does not want to lose everything but has also said that if we get back together I must fully apologise to his family for getting the police involved in a private matter and getting him a criminal record (they can fuck right off!).

I am sooo much happier without him. The police protection unit have told me that if I go back to him he will seriously harm me so that makes my decision easier.

He does not yet know that my decision is made and it will be really difficult when he does know as he will become very angry and possibly violent and I do have concerns about contact with our son. But I'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

The police and other agencies are not going to take your claims seriously if you are willingly going shopping with him, feeding him, and allowing him to sleep on your couch.

You really have to stop any contact with him, and use a third party to arrange visits between him and his child. You must do this.

what squeaky said

OP, don't disappear again so soon...don't be a bystander on your own thread

what are you going to do about the family time stuff ???

What I see in every paragraph of your post is the illusion that you are in control of this situation, (and the desperate desire to be in control) and that is not a criticism of you.

It is what every woman in your situation feels. At the bottom of it all however is this fear: 'If I do take action and reveal all my cards; I am concerned as to how he will act.'

You must make it your priority to act, to take the steps that are necessary after filling out all those forms, and to let the process happen -- and to let forces beyond your control go to work. The process is what all those support workers want to see happen, because they can see clearly that it is your H who is in the driving seat here. You are a helpless passenger sitting paralysed in the passenger seat with your DS in the back.

You do not have any control over the situation, even though you think you do by your timing of the implementation of various orders, your bargains with the H over boundaries, etc.

You must make it your priority to find a support network immediately; the multi-agency conference is the first step here for you, but you must take the rest of the steps too and submit the papers that will set the ball rolling for the entire process to begin. The multi-agency conference is step one, not your only option.

There comes a time when you just have to close your eyes and jump, and this is it.

very wise, math

I get the feeling Op has disappeared again though

love, you have to go one step further and accept you are not in control

appeasing him is only temporary, and his rage and fury at you will be tenfold if he suddenly decides you have been stringing him along

I feel it would be safer for you to put all your cards on the table

you are living in fear...you have to let the official process take over, you cannot steer this yourself

you are not dealing with a reasonable person

I get the feeling that the OP doesnt really see how devious this man is being. :(

Once things have gone as far as they have in this sort of relationship, these men dont change, ever.

One offs can be worked on and dealt with, but sustained abuse is deliberate and is part of their genetic make-up. You could almost say that these men cant help themselves, which in part is true, but it doesnt excuse them, or mean you should tolerate their behaviour.

You have made the first steps Op, now keep going. It can only get easier, the more people you involve who are helping you, the less inclined he will be to keep pushing you. If he suspects you are wavering he will be in there like a shot to plead and beg and convince you he is sorry, he has changed, he regrets it, he really wont ever do it again. Of course he will say that, he wants you to think that, but it isnt true, and never will be. He is lying to you.

Keep reading the first 2 pages of this thread, print them off and keep them in your bag. And every time you have a wobble, read them again.

Sorry haven't disappeared; had to call my mum and let her know what is happening.

I have to really get to bed now, or at least wake my son before he wakes me. I am thinking really hard about what physical steps to take tomorrow. Whether civil, or actually if he has committed another offence - criminal.

But I need to talk through my options with my professionals tomorrow, and I need to know how exactly things will work to protect me and who I need to speak with.

Sorry to scare you all shitless; I usually only get a chance to update late evenings because of internet control at work and my son's childcare, and my eventual meal.

I promise I will be back tomorrow, but need to go to bed now. Thanks for your support

good night and take care x

Itsnotjust, there are so many wise posts here following your last BIG post, and such great advise. Especially from Mathanxiety.

I have just one thing to add. Please act quickly and go through the process before he manages to get his head around the situation and get proper help for himself. The longer you wait, the better prepared he will be.

Please act now. Wishing you well.

The bath thing was very much an animal act. It shows you the level at which he operates.

It was a gesture designed to terrify you and make you despair. It was designed to persuade you that his version of reality is the truth of the situation -- that he is going to run his world the way he wants to, on his own terms, and that your wishes are irrelevant to him and to anyone else.

The truth, of course, is different. His version of reality is wishful thinking, nothing more, and nobody from any of the agencies helping you will accept it. However, the line must be drawn by you, and the time must come when you gather your courage (and you have plenty of that) and trust the structures that are in place to support you. What he chooses to do with the line is up to him. You can't control his response. He can try thumbing his nose at the police, take that metaphorical bath in their bathroom, and see how far that gets him if he wishes... It will be between him and the police once you call after the forms have been submitted.

If friends do not accept what you are saying, tell them you are sorry they do not seem to be able to give you the support you could do with, and that you are the best judge of the situation as Dittany says. But don't waste energy trying to persuade them. A lot of people think the truth falls somewhere in the middle of any given circumstance and believe blind fairness is a virtue. They are not worth your time right now. You are likely to find others who will be more responsive though. Have you told anyone at work what you are going through? Have you told the nursery staff? At the very least it is important that your H can't show up and remove your DS -- ask the social workers what can be done in this regard, but the staff should know of the difficulties at home from the pov of being sensitive with your DS.

I agree that once you have drawn that line (officially, with orders and the consequences that arise from them) and got the backup you need to stand firm, your energy level will rise and you will find yourself feeling more confident and competent no matter what the DS throws at you.

bath thing = equivalent of a dog pissing on its territory

that is the mindset we are talking about here

he won't accept that, logically, but that is what it is

Thanks everyone who has posted their support - I really would like to thank everyone personally but there were so many messages I haven't been able to go back and do this. But I do appreciate and have read every word you have written.

I spoke to Social Services again today formally. I asked them to re-open the case. I told them about the Sunday situation that I felt forced to remove myself and my son from a situation again; and my concerns that I need to be able to cope without using my husband as a support network. They have validated my concerns and will go ahead with a full CAF which means as far as I can see a full meeting of all professionals involved; Womens Aid, HV, GP, CPN, and me, my husband, and both families.

As far as I know this meeting will address both the concerns I've raised. My priority is to see my son safe from harm so that is the first thing to address.

I met with my Independent Domestic Violent Advocate today. She told me pretty much what everyone has said here. That he is following a type, a pattern of behaviour. That he almost certainly is incapable of change. He will always demand a second chance but be incapable of realising that he doesn't deserve any more.

She asked me what I wanted, and I said almost without realising 'to be single'. We spoke about limiting contact away from the house and leaving no doubt that the 'relationship' element is removed.

She did say that my husband would probably say all the right things in the CAF. But the professionals are trained to see through this. He may act as a reasonable person but his behaviour speaks otherwise.

We talked about the legal options again. I'm very, very close but I want to see the outcome of the CAF which will be quite soon. I know I'm important too, but my son is the most right now. And one thing at a time. I'm coping right now but I can't heap everything on myself at once. But there is no harm in doing all the paperwork and having it like a nuke button that I can press. It has to be one thing at at time for me to cope with everything.

Dittany my mum is absolutely with me now. She wasn't at first because she had been taken in by him and blamed me for being unhappy until i told her everything, and my own husband admitted it all. She is seriously concerned but it really doesn't help when supposed friends question my version of events and invalidate my fears.

Every time he does something that weakens my resolve; I just have to think of the many, many things he did wrong, when he hurt me and made me fear him. When he deliberately made those choices.

If it feels wrong at all; it probably is.

Swallowedafly, Mouseface, Dittany, Math, Squeaky, Peterandre Quint and everyone else thank you. I need my resolve to be strengthened my perceived threat to be validated - which it so has been - by you and the professionals.

I haven't yet got the book yet Dittany but I will do so tonight. I've read bits from his site.

Yes you got it right peterandre I thought of it just like pissing in the corner and marking his territory. I don't think in a sexual way but just in a sort of 'ah I'm comfortable here' sort of way.

I've told everyone I know about this; in a sort of self preservation way the more people know, the better. My work know and there has been a risk assessment and measures put in place. My nursery know and I have a thing in place which means I ring them if my husband is due to collect them - if he arrives unexpectedly they will ring and confirm with me if it's ok. He hasn't so far.

Argh I need to get to bed now. Will update once I have spoken to some more agencies tomorrow

I want to stand up and cheer! You sound like the strong, determined woman from the beginning of the thread. Well done for taking all these huge steps to protect yourself and your child.

You deserve to be safe and you deserve to be happy.

Well done. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Good luck with it all.

[standing up and cheering]

Notjust -- every gesture this man makes is about power. There is nothing purely sexual or purely relationship orientated (except that he only sees relationships in terms of power and domination) in anything he does.

The bath thing was about power in a purely animal way -- the dominant bull establishing his physical presence and dominance/ supremacy in his territory (and over his herd) in the face of the other bulls (as he sees the police, courts etc) and of course in the presence of the female (you).

Everything sexual in your relationship has been about his power over you. Especially the first time you had sex and what he did afterwards. But even those times when he may have seemed normal, what you were experiencing the absolutely necessary 'other side of the coin'. This other side, the part that makes your resolve weaken, is not to be confused with genuine niceness or any indication that he has changed or is capable of change. It is part of the cycle of abuse just as much as the violence. Everything he does, including the niceness, is calculated to enhance his power over you. The nice bits are just as much of a threat to you as the aspects of his behaviour that are more obviously hostile.

Maybe when you get the Bancroft book your mum could read it too?

Well he saw me and our son in today in a department store cafe then general shop. I didn't really want to talk about the relationship side of things as I've said before I just want a complete relationship break. No 'darlings', 'sweethearts' or 'babes'.

He wanted know though what was I feeling and what my decision would be. He asked if it had all been bad and I replied that it hadn't all been bad; but it had got considerably worse once he knew he was in a position to dominate me and not leave him; ie married and pregnant.

For the first time I said the D word Divorce; but I kind of turned it around a bit on him. I said that really he must have been unhappy with me as he was trying to mould me into someone that I wasn't. That obviously my authentic self wasn't what he must have wanted. Perhaps there would be someone else in this world far more suited to him than me.

I said that we both could agree that our relationship was hard work. I said that it wasn't equal; he tried to infantilise me. I reminded him of the many, many times I approached him to tell him why I was unhappy and the reasons for it. He had many opportunities to mend this and mend his behaviour, but he chose not to.

I said that a relationship shouldn't be this hard; and if it is; maybe it's a sign that it's not working for either of us.

I did say though that I couldn't make a snap decision on this though; but I could see it as a likely outcome - If I wanted our relationship to work then he would have to change a lot. Certainly the majority of his behaviour and perhaps a lot of his personality. And that might be very unfair on him because it would mean that I cannot accept him for who he is controllingarsewipe--.

Yep he does have some good points. He can be loving to his son. He does have a very witty sense of humour and is capable of occasional kindness. But he just doesn't get things like altruism. There's always got to be something in it for him - and that won't change.

He seemed to accept this; and i think found it easier that I said I couldn't make up my mind for the forseeable future because I have a lot of thinking and working out things to do.

It was a good afternoon. He agreed to back off and we just talked about our son, and picked up some shopping. It felt like it did when things were ok; so easy to slip back into; but really my feelings have changed a lot since then.

I met his friend today; the one who thinks I should leave him. She really likes him but struggles to defend him and can see me happier without him. And perhaps in five years or so maybe in a relationship and happy, with someone who completely accepts the real me with no desire to dominate. That sounds nice to me. She gave me a special silver amythyst pendant (she's not usually woo) that she bought for me because apparently the stone means strength.

If I wanted our relationship to work then he would have to change a lot

It was a good afternoon. He agreed to back off and we just talked about our son, and picked up some shopping. It felt like it did when things were ok; so easy to slip back into; but really my feelings have changed a lot since then

Please dont think I am being harsh, but you are giving him confusing messages. You are giving him hope that the relationship may not be over. You also seem to be considering that it may not be over.

I would honestly say, you need to stop any unneccessary meetings and contact. He WILL worm his way back into your heart.

Look, you need to keep right away from this man. Something you don't seem to be able to see is that he is your enemy. Sorry, but he is. He means you harm. He has repeatedly assaulted you and abused you. He has abused your son to the extent that SS are going to take your son into care if you let this vile man back into your house. When he 'agrees to back off' he is lying, with the aim of making you let your guard down so he can hurt you some more.

SGB is pithy and right. When he tries to engage you in relationship talk he is trying to worm his way back in again. He doesn't really care what you feel or what you think. He is watching out for signs of your resolve weakening. He knows you can't come right out with the D word and he knows you may feel more positive about him when he seems willing to talk about the relationship. He is greasing the slippery slope in other words, by talking the talk.

He doesn't really care about your signals either and he never did, throughout the whole relationship, so don't worry about what signals you send him. It is his signals to you that you need to worry about here. He is signalling that he still thinks of you as prey when he tries to engage you in any kind of relationship talk.