AF, Dittany, Grace et al Itsnotjustaslap DV Update

[itsnotjustaslap]

Hi

Just thought would update; thought about things and realised that I was coping fine with my son without my husband and not falling apart. He did not contribute anything much to my happiness or to the house or childcare (or at least far less than he thought he did) and that I felt far calmer and happier without him.

He did not really regret the violence or acknowlege that he was controlling or that ranting in front of our son for hours was harming him.

Soo...I contacted Social Services to report my concerns for my son's emotional well being as he wakes in the night for hours and cries (but he has slept through since my husband left) and to report the DV. They stated that they did have real concerns for my son's welfare and wanted to speak with both me and my husband. They also advised me to go to the police which I did.

I wanted the DV to be just put on file however the police stated that he would be arrested and charged regardless of whether I made a statement or not. It was really hard but I made the statement anyway and he was arrested and charged.

Obviously things are very difficult now with him and his family. He is trying everything to win me back, as he does not want to lose everything but has also said that if we get back together I must fully apologise to his family for getting the police involved in a private matter and getting him a criminal record (they can fuck right off!).

I am sooo much happier without him. The police protection unit have told me that if I go back to him he will seriously harm me so that makes my decision easier.

He does not yet know that my decision is made and it will be really difficult when he does know as he will become very angry and possibly violent and I do have concerns about contact with our son. But I'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Thanks for all your messages. It was a pre-arranged visit Dittany re contact with his son.

I wanted to tell him about my feelings regarding divorce today. I don't see the point of trying to shield him from what I really feel. We discussed the finances; we have a house is negative equity and my salary doesn't cover the mortgage. He has always threatened in the past that if we did divorce he simply wouldn't be able to afford to give much / any child support but I've pointed out that it's in his interests to help ensure that our house isn't repossessed as he will be left with a lot of debt too which will destroy his business.

As a parent he also has a responsibility to his son which means that he should be able to help support him - and if I suffer financially - my son suffers too.

I know I would entitled to some benefits (I have checked). This would probably just cover everything - but it would be very tight. I've suggested that we postpone any financial / legal discussion until he has found somewhere potentially to live. This is not just a probability - it is a certainty.

Springchicken, Squeaky & mathan I was trying to lessen the blow slightly by just stating that it wasn't fair for me to expect him to change by that amount. I really don't want him to even try to change because I know he won't be able to do it.

Re the Social Services concerns: I spoke to my son's social worker yesterday to clarify their position; they don't have concerns regarding contact with me and my son at my house, if there are no concerns about my husband's behaviour - but the incident on Sunday showed me that his behaviour patterns have not changed which is why I have said that I will allow contact; but not at the house.

Because my husband has queried this I have asked them to ring him Monday to fully explain the situation. Social Services have said that they are not very concerned about the situation at the moment and do not feel that they want to lead on the CAF (they have suggested the HV do this); however they would be concerned if I actually resumed the relationship with my husband and would be looking at evidence that his behaviour had changed (ie DV course compliance / no further reports). At the moment they are satisfied that I've removed my son from harmful situations.

But the CAF will mean that me and my husband can be involved in looking at responsibilities re care; working out contact agreements and formalising plans when I need someone to help out with my son when it is needed.

Don't worry; I'm really not thinking in terms of getting back with him. Because I'm worth it.

Thats a relief!

It is extremely aggressive of him to query your boundary about coming to the house for contact with the DS, at an official level with the social workers, and I hope they are well versed in the fact that he is not to come over any more and that the phone call they give him will be short and to the point.

I am worried that SS are not very worried about this and think you have managed to remove him from the house and separate him from the DS, whereas it's clear that he can come and go and feels entitled to even take a bath in the house.

He is not interested in your feelings about divorce. Telling him your feelings will come across as asking him for his permission. When you talk about your feelings you allow him a foot in the door, as a person like this interprets sharing of feelings as a sign of dependence and weakness. He knows you are trying to appease him when you set about explaining things to him, and his response will be contempt and a feeling of entitlement to further aggression (as in the query of your boundary wrt the house). He will understand a letter from a solicitor right away, on that you can bet the farm.

In a rather cruel and ironic way my husband and his family have been made aware of the impact of domestic abuse and the threat of partner violence on their immediate family. My husband's very close female relative caught her husband out on something. I cannot really elaborate more as I really would not want anybody to either identify her or myself; but she is heavily pregnant. Her husband became very verbally abusive and threatening to her and she came to stay with her parents too with her young child because she was so afraid of her husband.

When she returned to the house as her husband had temporarily left; my PIL and husband slept with her at her house for a few nights as they were so concerned for her safety. I don't know if there was or has ever been physical violence - she really doesn't want to talk about any of it right now as she is just trying to focus on the immediate future of the birth and the new baby; but she was prepared to call the police if further threats happened.

She has agreed to take back her husband into the home, and they will, for the moment divide the house into his and her areas. She is completely financially dependent on him; and as she is due to give birth very soon, she doesn't feel she can do anything at this time.

She has given him second chances before. I want to tell her to leave but I know how hard it is to come to that decision; and I can't imagine the turmoil she is going through at this time. Her family would previously have judged her husband very harshly; but at the same time they can see the paralels in my husband's behaviour.

So... I don't want to be in that position. In my heart I have come to the decision that is right for me. I know that our separation has to become final. I don't feel that it is right to seek proceedings right now; I have to consider this decision properly and fully because it is such a big decision to make emotionally, financially and physically; and especially so on my ds.

My husband will move into a shared house at the end of the month. It will mean that he will not be able to contribute as much, but at least there will be still some maintenance / financial contribution. When he offically moves out I will contact the council to get a reduction in the council tax etc and seek advice on any benefits we may be entitled to receive.

I have more or less told my husband what will happen. He is upset but acknowledges that he cannot stop me from leaving if it's my decision. I don't think he will become a danger right now; however I'm not prepared to let my guard down at this time which means ensuring that I stay safe. I have made plans, transferred money to relatives and have access to many safe houses if the need will arrive. Of course if there is any threat to me or my ds I will have no hesitation in calling the police.

There is a storm coming; I have a few months to re-group, deliberate and then finalise things. It will probably be quite shitty for a while in a way that it is to anyone going through this. It may take some time for things to become 'normal' again. I will probably lose a home - but that is just bricks and mortar.

Looking at the house I feel overwhelmed by just 'stuff'. There is so much that just needs to be got rid of which I will do methodically in the next few weeks and months just cutting back to the basics and de-cluttering; starting first with my clothes and my son's outgrown clothes and baby paraphanalia which I've just kept for sentimental reasons.

I feel a bit scared but at the same time I've never felt more motivated or excited. I feel liberated not just from the person I was when I was with my husband; but the person I was before even meeting him. The old me is gone now; which is sad; but at the same time there is a wonderful opportunity ahead.

I don't know what the future holds but it cannot be worse than the life I have already lived. Many people stay in relationships that they are not happy with because of ties that ground them. I feel like all my ties to everyone and everything have loosened. This may be the opportunity of a lifetime to look at how my life has gone, and a time to change everything about me that no longer fits.

It is scary and no doubt it will be full of sadness for a few months; but it's also liberating and exciting. I know, with the right support in place, I can cope and my ds will be happy

You sound in a good place again. Thats reassuring to hear.:)

It will be fine, you know it will. And in a years time, you will look back and realise how strong you have been!

In the meantime, get the clutter on ebay, and save a bit of money into paypal, even if its only a few quid, its there and it will come in handy!

with all due respect...

your posts say all the right things

but the tone is very detached, you speak like someone on the periphery of her life, with very little control over the outcome

I can't put my finger on it, but it worries me

I don't think I am alone in that concern

I thought that a bit PeterA, but then I wondered as it is such a long post, possibly written carefully and slowly over a couple of hours or more, it has a lot more thought put into it than the few paragraphs that we rattle out here in a quick response to a post.

I do share your concern though, and hope we are wrong.

I'm ok peterandre and squeaky honest. My post took me a long while to write because it was very difficult to set out in print and see it. Looking at the immediate future it is harrowing.

But looking at the whole situation logically and realising that my head and my heart are in agreement it is the right thing to do for me. I wasn't happy before. I am not particularly happy now but neither unhappy either as I don't have to walk on eggshells and can just relax in my own home.

I think it won't be easy but at the same time it really is an opportunity. I don't know why I allowed myself to be treated in that way; it was insidious but I need to look at why that happened so I can recognise that and not let that happen again.

In a wierd way the best thing that could have happened to me was for my husband to have raised a hand to me. I felt controlled but I didn't realise it as an abusive relationship until it escalated. And then a lot more things became clear.

I have to go to bed now as it's past my bedtime but I have toothache and couldn't sleep earlier.

Please don't worry; it's like first seeing clearly for a long, long time

Just to clarify i don't think it was my fault that my husband was controlling and abusive; just that I don't know why I didn't recognise the signs and perhaps there are personal reasons from my childhood perhaps which mean that I viewed this as behaviour that was allowed.

Victims are never to blame for their abusers behaviour

Where has your husband been living since this started?

Has he been living back with you recently?

Until the shared house arrangement starts, where will the H be living? And a very important question from Amberleaf -- where has he been living up to now?

Does your H's family have a culture of female dependence and male dominance? (Indicated by the horrible situation of the female relative of your H's) Your H's family seems totally unable to see your H as he really is, if they sent him to play 'man' for the relative in her hour of need. Or maybe this playing at being men is what they do, with the PIL and the H up against the other man, and not really 'there' for the woman and her fundamental right to self determination -- essentially they were guarding their property against the other man, and essentially her situation was not changed by their intervention. She is still completely dependent on her H and on her male relatives. She is still a potential victim and her child is still exposed to the potential of violence. This family doesn't get it at all. This culture is what you're up against here.

I see in your long post a desire to cast off the past, lock, stock and barrel (decluttering even the baby clothes) but yet you are still hesitating to file all that paperwork and lay it on the line to your H. 'In my heart I have come to the decision that is right for me. I know that our separation has to become final. I don't feel that it is right to seek proceedings right now...' ... 'I have more or less told my husband what will happen...'

This is hard and very shitty stuff, but it has to be done. Don't wait several months. It doesn't get easier with time. It will still be there to go through in all its shittiness and you will still have to start at the bottom when you file paperwork item No. 1.

Lots of things have happened. I will update tomorrow or next day once things in place. cannot say what am doing in the offchance my h will find this thread

I am ok though.

Good to hear you're OK :) Thanks.

Glad you're ok -- post again whenever you can. x

waiting to hear from you x

I'm freeeeeee!!!! Hurrah!

Sorry for the detached tone earlier. I had to go siege mentality to get through this and I knew things weren't going to go well.

V long story short my h again put pressure and an ultimatum on me to tell me where our relationship was going. In front of our son. I felt pressured and told him that if he continued to put pressure on me I felt that the divorce route was really the only option as it proved that his behaviour had not really changed at all and he was incapable of any meaninful change.

Just prior to this I had already broached the subject of divorce on the phone when he was again pressuring me. He cried and pleaded and because I wanted to end the conversation to put my son down for a nap I said that I would think about it, but asked specifically for him to not contact me that day or come round to the house as he would see his son the next day as per arrangement; and also because I was tired I was going to bed while my ds slept. I woke up a couple of hours later (I love my ds's daytime naps sometime) and thought 'oops, better wake him up then' and opened the bedroom door; there was a note there starting with 'hi, I'm downstairs...'

He told me he had changed. I pointed out four separate occasions in the last week (including above) where he was aware of my ground rules / wishes but had explicitly broken them.

He then phoned / texted continuously for around 90 mins. He had done something (I don't know what) with the landline so that if I tried to dial an outside number it diverted to him (does anyone know what he had done btw?)

It didn't really hamper me though as I just told me to fuck off and phoned my mum on my mobile. She offered to phone the police but I asked her to just stay by the phone as I wanted to warn him first.

I answered his call and told him to stop phoning / texting or I would call the police. He asked if i was serious about the divorce. I said that I was. He said the whole situation was very unfair to him and that I wouldn't get the house as he was going to burn it down. I asked him to repeat that and he said 'well, obviously not with you in it'. I told him that if he was foolish enough to do this the courts would take this very seriously and he would be locked up for life to which he said that would be a good thing as he would be away from me.

I know it was just a threat to control me; I do not think he would ever go through with this, but it did shake me. I phoned my mum but asked her not to come over as he had texted me to say that he intended to come over because he thought I was crying, and I didn't want to put her at risk.

I phoned another friend and briefly told her of the threat, at which point my h arrived and tried to get in (stopped by door brace). He pleaded and begged for me to let him in so he could apologise and he didn't really mean it. I told him that his behaviour was frightening me and that it was late, I wanted to go to bed and there would be no discussion. And if he didn't go immediately I would call the police NOW. He went, but I spent an uneasy night sleep waking and wondering if I could smell smoke. Even though I do know he is a BS and the threat was meant as a control thing.

I reported the threat to the IDVA team the next morning and was given another door brace for the back door and a fire prevention box (hammer, fire blanket, fire extinguisher / torch) that I keep by the bed. My IDVA came round to talk to me re Occupation Order today and I am seeing solicitor early next week.

I didn't report to the police; partly because I know it wasn't a genuine threat by my h; as recoursing to threats is just what he does by reflex when things are not going his way. His threats are recorded legally in my statement however.

My h again let himself in today when I was feeding our son; despite me asking him not to. When he came in he said there was nothing that I could do to stop him legally as it was half his house. I replied that I really legally could and was going to. He fancies himself as having some legal knowledge, paled and asked if I meant an Occupation Order to which I replied 'yep'. I knew I was safe as the person with whom I was arranging this was due to arrive at any moment - so he had to go.

Post appointment I have had a very teary phonecall from my h, and he has said that all contact with his son should go through his mum as he feels he has to keep away as I may misconstrue anything he does against him (too right); and he will not make any contact with me direct.

So...bonus and bonus. I get legal protection and the opportunity to hopefully peacefully enjoy my life right now. Other legal stuff can wait for a couple of weeks until I feel able to deal with. But at the moment...result!

Oh, fantastic! Congratulations, notjust If you'll pardon the cliche, you are VERY brave and wise. You're a wonderful example to people who feel trapped by overbearing partners. I want to hug you!

Unless he's a phone engineer, he diverted the calls by your handset. Either look through the menu until you find it, or bin that one & get a cheap new phone.

Sleep very, very well. Good luck with all the rest of it - and welcome to your own life at last. xx

I do hope that if he comes round again you WILL call the police.

This mans behaviour seriously worries me. Sneaking into the house, diverting phones... :(