AF, Dittany, Grace et al Itsnotjustaslap DV Update

[itsnotjustaslap]

Hi

Just thought would update; thought about things and realised that I was coping fine with my son without my husband and not falling apart. He did not contribute anything much to my happiness or to the house or childcare (or at least far less than he thought he did) and that I felt far calmer and happier without him.

He did not really regret the violence or acknowlege that he was controlling or that ranting in front of our son for hours was harming him.

Soo...I contacted Social Services to report my concerns for my son's emotional well being as he wakes in the night for hours and cries (but he has slept through since my husband left) and to report the DV. They stated that they did have real concerns for my son's welfare and wanted to speak with both me and my husband. They also advised me to go to the police which I did.

I wanted the DV to be just put on file however the police stated that he would be arrested and charged regardless of whether I made a statement or not. It was really hard but I made the statement anyway and he was arrested and charged.

Obviously things are very difficult now with him and his family. He is trying everything to win me back, as he does not want to lose everything but has also said that if we get back together I must fully apologise to his family for getting the police involved in a private matter and getting him a criminal record (they can fuck right off!).

I am sooo much happier without him. The police protection unit have told me that if I go back to him he will seriously harm me so that makes my decision easier.

He does not yet know that my decision is made and it will be really difficult when he does know as he will become very angry and possibly violent and I do have concerns about contact with our son. But I'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Sending you strength...

You do sound rather low x

Find another toddler group to go to. Those other "acquaintances" weren't real friends. Real friends would want to help.

I've just seen this thread in the last few days. My heart goes out to you and I will pray that you stay safe and strong. You are very inspirational and you are an amazing example to your son by keeping him safe.

Agree about the friends. Get some new fantastic friends who will give you all the love and support that you need. Is there any chance that H has lied to them about what's going on?

Hope you're well, hope things have been quiet.

Hi Thanks for all your messages. Things have not been quiet as I kind of anticipated. The letter precipitated my h to disobey the very simple instructions in the letter and he must have contacted me by phone around fifty times and by text, twenty, in the last 24 hrs, plus a hand delivered letter.

Most of it was just to query the points in the letter - I suggested that legal knowledge or not if he difficulty in comprehending these very simple instructions he needed to seek independent legal advice before terminating the call and telling him which part of 'leave me the fuck alone' did he not understand as it simply wasn't rocket science (losing the moral high ground today).

The rest of contact was various pleas to see more of ds (which I refused) and finally a letter which was essentially a fairly lengthy way of saying 'I think you may be angry with me at the moment. I am trying to understand your boundaries but I need help. It may take some time before we can be together again. I love you' subtext 'you will never leave me. Never. Ever.'

I have blocked his mobile from the home phone now. I threatened the police but I didn't call the non-emergency number because I need to discuss this with the police in person - and my solicitor - as I don't know which course of action will be more beneficial to me. (I have the texts, letter, times of calls obviously etc).

Thing is and I don't know how to say this without sounding needlessly alarming but about seven months ago I had a sort of premonition (before everything kicked off with the violence etc). Without going into too much detail it happened three times, intensifying each time. At the time I even posted it here as I was convinced that it was not imagination but a warning - and a premonition like a light echo from the future. But it involved my h and the house. My bedroom.

I have a really bad feeling about this whole thing. My misgivings are unfortunately just getting worse. I have cried to my mum several times in the last couple of weeks to say that I have this really bad feeling and that something is going to happen.

I spoke to a friend at the time about what I experienced and again tonight and she has interpreted it as a message from my subconcious warning me that my h was potentially harmful to me (before really, he was), so I shouldn't see this as an indication that my future has been set.

If I have particular misgivings about the house then I need to do a full risk assessment - which I will try to do in as much detail as I can.

I will also call my professionals tomorrow and without indicating the wierd things I experienced, mention my misgivings, my gut instinct is getting worse. unfortunately no-one can be arrested on a gut instinct; but maybe they can suggest ways to make me safer and reassure me.

But I feel so very bad about this. I have a permanent sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel as if I have received some really bad news all the time.

Please don't worry that I have said this. I really need to vent this here in a safe environment because logically I do not believe in things like premonitions and logically the chances of me being seriously harmed by my h are very, very low. Yes, many abusive relationships exist, and many are broken off by women, but the chances of harm coming to any one of them are still statistically very low because that is not the way that most people, even abusive men, behave.

I need to vocalise my fears because I need to come to terms with them and deal with the fear and do it anyway. I will talk with the professionals as i understand they do take into account 'gut' feelings but obviously they cannot probably do anything but I have that soundtrack in my head 'it's more than a feeling...'

I need right now vibes of empowerment and encouragement. It's very scary where I am.

Talk to the police first thing in the morning. You need a non-molestation or protection order asap. Show them the texts and letter. Tell them about his threat to burn the house and the interference with your phone.

More than three attempts to contact you after the letter constitutes harassment or even stalking afaik, maybe someone else can weigh in on the specifics of this. No-one can be arrested on a gut instinct but they can be for threats to burn the house and that massive number of texts and calls plus the creepy hand delivered letter.

Forget about the moral high ground here. Go to the police first thing. Take your phone and the letter and get whatever orders will keep him from contacting you by any means and also whatever it takes to keep him physically away from the house. Tell them you are scared shitless. Do not sugar coat this.

The rubbish in the letter about needing help with your boundaries is scary in the extreme. What he is saying there is that he is giving himself carte blanche to do whatever he feels like doing to you since he is deluding himself that he doesn't really understand what you want, you are not helping him enough to do what you want, and most disturbing of all, he loves you, so his heart is in the right place. The reference to the DS and seeing him more is a marking of territory sort of attitude.

Logically the chances of you being harmed by your H are impossible to calculate but I would say they are pretty high. Please go to the police and do not talk yourself out of this by telling yourself that your premonitions are irrational and there's some logic attached to any of this. Do not take refuge in logic. You are not dealing with a logical man here.

Hello! Not much to add really, but thought I'd offer my congratulations for getting this far. I wish you all the best in the future, and I hope you're aware of how awesome you are for rescuing yourself and your son.

Ex sounds like a nasty piece of work indeed, being unable to face responsibility for his actions. Do his family treat him like he can do no wrong, by any chance? I get the gut feeling they had a hand in putting him up to making the 'deal' he set down if you were to get back together.

Best of luck. x

"unfortunately no-one can be arrested on a gut instinct"

But they can be arrested on a written threat to burn your house down!

You're understandably wrong-footed by all this, but take a step back and think from the "if it was your friend telling you this" point of view. You are taking a gut feeling very seriously, and I don't think you're wrong to do so (FWIW I agree with your friend, it's most likely to be your subconscious picking up on warning signs). However you are at the same time not taking very seriously at all actual threats from a real live man who has already been arrested for attacking you. That's not thinking straight with a vengeance. When I say not taking them seriously, ok they make you feel bad, but you're deciding not to bother the police about them, you're worried that your child will feel insecure if you use the security devices on your door (how upside down is that?), and you're going on friendly shopping trips with a borderline psycho who the police categorised as a danger to you. Er, why am I reminding you of this? You lived it, I only read it!

I cant believe how your message of "fuckoff" to your H is not sinking in.

I would get on the phone to your solicitor, tell her/him how the weekend has played out after he got the letter and get a non molestation order sorted out quickly.

No wonder you feel so low, this is when you will find out who your real friends are and they will stick by you and support you. Keep talking on here, to your professionals and to your family.

If I could wave a magic wand and fast forward all the nasty bits so that you are safe, secure and happy then I would do it for you.

Stay strong.

x

have you spoke to your professionals yet? I agree with maths you need to talk to the police especially if you are worried he may attack you again. Come on to vent as much as possible sometimes reading it back puts it into perspective. Take care to lock doors etc to ensure he cant get in x

why are you doubing your own instincts ?

prey much everything else you predicted this tosser would do, he has done

don't brush your fears off, trust yourself

get the non-mol order, speak to your professionals today

pretty not prey

"I cant believe how your message of "fuckoff" to your H is not sinking in."

oh i can believe it.
it isnt what he wants to hear - so he isnt going to hear it.

Hi sorry only time for a quick update will do more tomorrow as I really need to rest.

I told Womens Aid today and they were great. I told my case worker everything - updated her and told her of my just screaming gut instincts. She didn't dismiss it at all and took it really seriously. She thinks that my risk is getting higher and would put it just under high risk.

I told of my gut feeling of an ambush within the house. So she told me to focus on a day by day approach and look at reducing my perceived and objective risk - so from now on, if i am returning to the home I ask someone (neighbour / mum / friend) to come with me and help me sweep the house to make sure that he is not concealed there (it's only a small house so it doesn't take long at all).

I will put the door braces on and leave them on (although my son can now remove them) and leave a key in the lock so it cannot be unlocked from the outside. The ground floor and first floor are relatively safe in that it is all double glazed.

She told me to trust my instincts. She has asked me to call the non emergency police number tonight (which I did) not to report things but just check that my address is altaris red flagged.

We will talk further tomorrow. She has said that she can arrange an immediate refuge place if any other things happen - even if it's just to reduce my perceived risk - but in her opinion my perceived risk and objective risk are about the same right now.

I want to speak with the police tomorrow but I'm not sure what they can do because the threat was only verbal so it hasn't been recorded anywhere. I think the only thing they can do is harassment charges but i need to know a little more about this.

I have contacted my IDVA today but she wasn't in so am just waiting for her response. The only thing is that if I need to use a solicitor I just fall outside of legal aid so it will be very, very expensive unless I can DIY a lot of the legal stuff which I'm prepared to do.

I feel a lot better now that I have spoken about my fears but this feeling hasn't completely gone away.

I will have to go to bed now, as I'm very, very tired

Thank you for all your support

Still reading

Take care x

take care op x

Am very glas that your womens aid case worker has been supportive and is listening to your fears. I agree that you sound very high risk but if the police, womens aid etc are all aware then hopefully they can help to minimize the risk.

Will be thinking of you and your ds

Stay safe and sleep tight x

Some bloke got 3 months for harrassment last month. That could keep you safe from him while you sort things out ...

That said, I realise it takes a long time to get someone to prison and you need to be SAFE NOW. But I did want to highlight to you that his behaviour is criminal. You sound rather as though you feel it's happening to someone else - an understandably self-protective reaction, but you must realise the actuality of this insane crackpot being dangerously obsessed with YOU and DS. The WA lady sounds great. I like what she says about perceived & objective risks.

When you talk to the police, can you ask them for a panic button? That might add to your feeling of being in control of your situation.

Hugs and good wishes.

Your 'premonition' is not woo-bollocks to be dismissed. It is your subconscious mind trying to break through your own denial of how very very dangerous this man is.
For some reason you're having trouble letting go of the idea that this is your loving husband, a reasonable person who's just a big angry at the moment. But your own subconscious knows the truth.
THIS MAN IS A DISGUSTING ABUSIVE MONSTER. The man you 'loved' never existed. He represents a real and continuing danger to you and your DS. The sooner he is under lock and key, the better.

I'm reading your updates and I'm so glad to see you are getting your fears recognised.

Take good care of yourself sweetheart.

Keep going xx

You need a bolt like this that your son can't open, placed higher than he can reach, on your doors as well as the other items you have in place. It can be put in vertically or horizontally, but it needs to be high. And your DS must be told that he is not to touch the braces and locks.

PLEASE, PLEASE go to the police and talk with them tomorrow. Or later today if you have time. That verbal threat that involved arson, as well as tempering with your phone, MUST be reported.

You have got to stop thinking you can control this situation and let the police do their job. Why do you need to know more about harassment charges before proceeding with a report???

99% of the time, all anyone gets is a verbal threat. The police do not expect his threats to be written. He already has form and they absolutely need to know the rest of the story.

Hi all. Thanks for all your posts I really appreciate this. Another quick update I'm afraid as the sleep I desperately needed didn't materialise last night (my son was up in the night with a bout of who knows what) so am even more knackered today - I almost asked my mum if she could take my son for tonight as I'm really desperate for respite - but I know that she is preparing for guests tomorrow and she really would refuse as she wants the house to be naice. If I get an earlier night however, I probably will be ok. Unfortunately I cannot ask my h because well, he would view the request as an aide for me and he wouldn't do it anyway because he doesn't want to share a room with ds.

I spoke with my IDVA today and the nuts and bolts of it are that my h's behaviour has pushed me into two options - Police or Civil. She thinks if I had reported the harassment at the time he would have just got off with a warning as this is the standard response. In terms of getting anything done it probably is best to go down the Civil route and get an Occupation Order and Non-molestation order with power of arrest, so that's what I will do. She's not sure if the Police would do anything about the verbal threat as they would be unable to prosecute because there is no evidence - just my word against his.

Unfortunately I fall just outside of legal aide (thanks to the recent cuts) so i cannot afford the solicitor fees (it would be around a thousand pounds) - but I can do it by doing most of the paperwork myself and just employing a solicitor to check it out for me. It will take a bit longer and be a lot more effort but it at least is an affordable option.

I told her about my fears, and my gut feeling about an ambush. She took it really seriously too. But all the occupation orders and injunctions cannot protect me entirely if he is hell bent on breaking them (which he seems to have a wish to do).

Thanks mathan for the bolt pic - my bro is on holiday at the moment but a friend of my mum's might be able to fit some interior locks at the weekend but he needs to see the door and frame first so will show him that.

SGB I think you are so right. My gut feeling is telling me he is dangerous. Very dangerous. Tonight when I went to the fridge I realised that there were some old photos of us together a couple of years into our relationship. I looked at them and could see things there that I hadn't seen before - there's one of us together, in a bar that some friends took. I look happy but trapped. He is a lot bigger and stonger than me and has his arms around me like a cage. Big powerful arms and is looking direct at the camera - proud but at the same time very possessive. I'm not going anywhere. It's disturbed me so much I ripped it off and stuck in a drawer.

Thanks peterandre, mouse, garlic, helibee, stac, cestlavie, bacchus, Jax, annie and anyone else I've forgotten.

Need to go to bed now, night

good night, stay in touch x

itsnot - is it possible for you to go to a refuge for a while? It just sounds so stressful living in fear of him ambushing you in your own house. Your gut instinct is helping you look after yourself and DS but it would be so much easier to do that if you weren't having to look over your shoulder waiting for him to come and attack you.

Please take care.

I really hope that you and ds get some sleep tonight.

I checked with a solicitor friend who said that DV criteria under legal aid is very different to normal criteria so make sure the solicitor is aware that this is a dv case. Also your home insurance often has legal cover so please check that.

I know it's hard but please don't ask your h for help with ds whilst you are trying to get the non molestation and occupation order in place. Aside from how your h will see it, you need to prove to the courts that once you viewed your h to be at such a high risk to you that you did everything in your power to protect your ds. You are doing an amazing job and you are being very strong. Ask your mum for some help, the worst she can do is say no but she may surprise you.

Will be thinking of you. Stay strong and safe.