AF, Dittany, Grace et al Itsnotjustaslap DV Update

[itsnotjustaslap]

Hi

Just thought would update; thought about things and realised that I was coping fine with my son without my husband and not falling apart. He did not contribute anything much to my happiness or to the house or childcare (or at least far less than he thought he did) and that I felt far calmer and happier without him.

He did not really regret the violence or acknowlege that he was controlling or that ranting in front of our son for hours was harming him.

Soo...I contacted Social Services to report my concerns for my son's emotional well being as he wakes in the night for hours and cries (but he has slept through since my husband left) and to report the DV. They stated that they did have real concerns for my son's welfare and wanted to speak with both me and my husband. They also advised me to go to the police which I did.

I wanted the DV to be just put on file however the police stated that he would be arrested and charged regardless of whether I made a statement or not. It was really hard but I made the statement anyway and he was arrested and charged.

Obviously things are very difficult now with him and his family. He is trying everything to win me back, as he does not want to lose everything but has also said that if we get back together I must fully apologise to his family for getting the police involved in a private matter and getting him a criminal record (they can fuck right off!).

I am sooo much happier without him. The police protection unit have told me that if I go back to him he will seriously harm me so that makes my decision easier.

He does not yet know that my decision is made and it will be really difficult when he does know as he will become very angry and possibly violent and I do have concerns about contact with our son. But I'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I've been lurking, but just want to quickly check something - is there any way that your H could know about this thread? Because what his mother said about specifically cutting the broadband off just seemed a bit weird unless they know that it's a source of support / advice for you. Sorry if I read it wrong.

Hope you're ok, OP.

I hope the start of the week has been peaceful for you and your little one.

Yikes, have just caught up on this thread, and hoping you're okay. I truly would consider going into a refuge at this stage, OP. I can't imagine lying in bed worrying about someone breaking in or smelling smoke.

It doesn't necessarily need to be a long time - I was in one for three weeks, and arranged with my boss to take my "holidays" then, so it didn't interfere with my job. Just give yourself breathing space and catch up on your sleep, if nothing else.

hi op hows things?

Hi all, sorry for the no-updates, my son is ill so have been existing on little sleep etc but apart from that there have been no other incidents. My h is behaving himself and have had no further contact with his mum.

I sought legal advice as I was worried about the not so veiled threat to take my son away from me. I found out that if any more incidents happen where I am threatened or my son caught in crossfire I would be well within my rights to stop all contact completely and my h would have to make an application for contact.

That contact application would come to me and I would simply reject it - thereupon it would go to be considered by a judge who would have all the facts of this case. Based on this they would be likely to issue a contact order - but order it via a contact centre (which is very over-subscribed in my area).

Should my h fail to return my son after an access visit I can call the police. Although they have no legal power to return my son, they would visit my h and basically tell him not to behave like a twat and hand him over. Should he fail to do that, I go to my specialist DV solicitor and we get an ex parte injunction the following day which will give me a residency order. It really is all that simple.

It was very good to know. I do have the power; and whatever his mother may threaten, she really doesn't know the law.

Despite everything I want my h to have reasonable contact with my ds. My ds benefits from this. But only if he and his family can behave themselves (it is like puppy training).

My h knows an edited version of this. I've made it clear that all contact will be withdrawn. I haven't done this - and please don't criticise me for not doing it this last time - because it wasn't my h who was the person at fault. He shouldn't have tried to communicate asking his mum to give me a letter - but it wasn't him that threatened me and I know that he didn't put his mum up to this - mainly because he isn't that stupid (although his mum clearly is) - and that the immediate consequence of that was to make me reconsider contact arrangements and to withdraw contact.

I have reconsidered contact arrangments - I am not going to drop my ds at his mother's or collect him from there, but to ask my h to collect my ds from my car in a very public place. It's a PITA for me, but actually it is far more for my h as it involves a fair walk, bus journey etc - but hey, that's consequences for you.

Respect I was a bit shocked when you pointed this out as it is not beyond the realms of possibility that she could have come across this - my h did know that I used MN - but I don't think she has. But MIL if you are reading this, there is nothing here that I wouldn't have said to your face or court of law youevilwitch

Thanks Dittany, Alistair, Peter, Stac, nickname, Jax, mathan, sorry, anyone else - I can't see the previous page

Need to go as forgot to have dinner so a bowl of cereal beckons before bed

glad you got legal advice itsnot. Your poor ds, whats up? My dd has an awful viral infection so totally sympathise. Regarding dropping ds with H please ensure your safe or take someone with you. You know how unpredictable H can be. Take care and hope ds is better soon

Thanks for the update, OP, and I'm so glad that you've got good legal advice. You're doing amazingly well. Hope you get to catch up on your sleep soon!

Hope your DS is on the mend soon. Take care of yourself.

I don't really have anything constructive to say but having just read through this thread I wanted to wish you all the luck in the world! Stay strong. My thoughts are with you.

Hope your ds is on the mend now.

I'm glad that you have found out what your legal rights are in regard to your ds as that was playing on my mind. Does it make you feel stronger, knowing that you are getting control over the situation? As always my thoughts are with you and your ds. Take Care

hi itsnot, just wanted to see how you and ds are?

Hello Stac2011, nickname, Jax, somethingprofound, helibee and malibustac things are ok now - my son has got over his nasty viral infection and I have now got good sleep again which has been so nice!

Things really are ok. My h has started this DV perpetrators programme and told me that he found the first session a bit of an eye opener. It started on the small stuff, things that are abusive that he didn't realise he was doing. Like hogging the remote for instance. Controlling the telly. Fancy that!

I have had no contact with his mother still which has been good. Her nastiness was for me really out of the blue and it was a shock. As was her staunch and misguided loyalty for her son. If it had been me the abuser, my mum for all her faults would have a.) not got involved and b.) would have severely bollocked me because I should have been brought up to know better.

The programme leaders who have seen my h have also contacted me. They have felt that my h's behaviour puts me at high risk because not least his behaviour since the separation has been borderline or even overtly stalkerish, so they have met for several hours with me to discuss my marriage and my h's behaviour - and it has been very useful for both me and them to compare notes on what my h has actually said about the abuse / violence / control. Ie he has minimised it, ommitted important bits etc. Very interesting. But perhaps not surprising.

They are offering me ongoing weekly support. It's not something they offer to every partner, so again for me it's been a bit of a blow to discover yet again how objectively bad and abusive my relationship was.

They feel that I will have to go down one route eventually. The legal / police route. Yes he is on his best behaviour now, but sooner or later I will probably have to come to the decision that I feel close to and communicate it. In most relationship breakdowns things get messy - even without an abusive partner. However they believe that things will escalate.

I don't want to make any decisions at the moment. I just want the calmness to continue. I don't think I am strong enough just yet to deal with everything that will come. And I hope my h will learn things on the course that he can put into place.

On the less positive side, someone tried to break in my house in the middle of the night a few days ago. I have been keeping my keys in the lock for a few weeks, as well as the door brace. I know you are not meant to but I thought the risk of a burglar was less than my h.

I think someone tried to grab my keys through the letterbox. I was woken by an alarm on my keyring going off - and it only goes off if it is pushed. My window was open and directly above the front door so it woke me easily. I was very scared and scrabbled around in the dark for an aerosol can and a poking stick then fumbled for a light, made a lot of noise, switched all the lights on and came downstairs. Of course there was no-one there (but I didn't open the door to check). I didn't know what to do - whether to call the police then but decided against it so called my mum instead because i really wasn't sure if I had imagined the whole thing, but since i had heard the alarm in my sleep and then heard it again while fully awake, I don't think so.

I have reported this to the police who have just logged this as a suspicious incident. Funnily enough I don't think my h is responsible. He wouldn't be that stupid, and not that far away there has been a spate of car thefts by people reaching through the letterbox for car keys etc - which the police seemed to think was the most likely explanation. I don't keep my bunch of keys in the door now, but I have taped up the hole of the spare key and keep it in there so it can't be grabbed.

I don't know what is going to happen next, but life at the moment feels relatively good. It is actually far less stressful, despite everything, than when I was living with my h.

hi itsnot (i am stac2011 just had a name change). Glad your ds is better and your catching up on much needed sleep.

My friends dp did that course in prison and hasnt changed but some are just incapable of change. She also got support from them as they planned to stay together. Have you been asked to do joint meet ups? I think you'll see the deterioration of his behaviour when he realises your not going back.

What a nightmare about the near break in, glad they didnt get in. Is the house alarmed?

How are you managing contact for ds without dreaded mil being involved.

I know you were worried before regarding being unable to afford the legal assistance but the government have a scheme that replaced the csa which help deal with access and maintenance, i can give you the number if you want?

Keep in touch x

Just checking in to see how you are doing? Thinking of you and your ds x

Hi, it'snotjustaslap, thanks for the update (didn't see it before). I'm so glad things are calmer and better and that you are getting good support and advice.

I just wanted to offer a thought. You said that you don't want to make any decisions about going down the legal route, as you don't yet feel strong enough. I do understand that. But if it's coming anyway, sometimes it's better just to get on with things - the bit where you're waiting to take action is actually harder and more exhausting than actually taking action. Like soldiers in the trenches - they said that going over the top was easier than waiting for the command.

Anyway, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, because I think you're pretty great. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.

Things are official now: I'm a single parent - have bitten the bullet and informed the tax credit people that I've separated from my husband. I did inform them of the domestic violence and a separate government office will advise me if there is a problem re maintenance - I think they are the same people you mentioned stac2011 - thanks for your kind offer.

It was strange; they referred to him as my xh etc which was strange, but at the same time, good. Like leaving baggage behind.

My (x) h then has still been behaving like an arse. On one incident last week he was due to have our son on a pre-arranged contact day. At the very last minute ie when I was ready to get out the door for work, he gave me an ultimatum that unless I did X (really trivial but identifiable thing to do with the house) he wasn't going to look after our son that day. When I made it clear that I was going to do what I had intended he petulently stalked off and said that he was going to go back to his mum's and work and I would have to call my work and take a day off to look after my ds. He clearly expected me to run after him, beg and placate him; but instead I said fine, he had made a choice and walked away with our son. I took him home, bolted the door, and of course he tried to get in, begged to have our son etc, etc.

He then phone my mother and intimated that I was mad and asked for her 'advice' as I had 'just suddenly' deprived him of contact. My mum asked to speak to me and he passed the phone through the letterbox, and long story short I explained the facts and that he had issued a threat, tried to emotionally manipulate me using my son as a tool, irresponsibly backed out of a contact arrangement at the last minute causing me a huge amount of inconvenience with work (who were actually very understanding when I explained) and finally topped it with a manipulative call to my mother.

I did end up going to work as my mum very kindly looked after my ds for the rest of the day; however my h still behaved like a dick by continuously phoning my mum's landline (most of which she ignored) and then topped it by contacting my sister and getting her to fall for his emotionally charged tale of him the poor discriminated man who has been denied contact of his child.

I am still fuming that his tactic was to call my family and put on a sob story. I am very, very disappointed that my sister took his side before my mum put her right.

He does attend the course, but is going on a rather long journey of self discovery. In his head he was one of the better men in the group - ie not a nasty abusive man; however it has been enlightening (or amusing) for me as he has informed me of the incident above and it appears that the whole session was of the other group and the facilitators ripping him apart for his fecklessness, irrepsonsibility and controlling behaviour - although he has of course self edited this to state that it was a discussion point on how to avoid triggers and perhaps this should extend to him having less of such an easy ride when it comes to fatherhood etc.

No. It just means that you are a real example on the course of 'how not to do things'.

Apart from that, things are generally ok. I still feel good about being on my own. It's like a feeling from being at uni when you realise that you are free and a whole lifetime of opportunities are before you.

The only thing niggling me is a health worry that is probably nothing serious - but I am secretly freaking out a lot about it. I have a lesion on my hand that hasn't really healed for almost five months. I know, I know. I almost mentioned it to my GP in Feb / March but I had been speaking for so long about the domestic violence I felt I didn't have enough time to raise something else. My mum has had skin cancer, and I am very, very pale and although I have looked after my skin and stayed out of the sun since 16, i was burned often horrifically by the sun. I can't stand looking at this patch on my hand which just reproaches me every time I look at it, and am constantly trying to hide it or put concealer on it.

I will go to my GP - unfortunately I was only able to get a telephone appointment for next week, but am hoping that she will be able to see it and put my mind at rest soon.

I can't help wondering exactly what it is going to take for you to understand how dangerous this man is, and take steps to have him permanently and forcibly excluded from your life. Every professional you consult considers you a high risk case and yet you are still relying on him for 'favours' and allowing him unsupervised contact with your DC.
Bollocks to his perpetrator programme, they hardly ever work and generally just reult in the man worming his way back in and abusing the victim even more.

'I don't think I am strong enough just yet to deal with everything that will come. And I hope my h will learn things on the course that he can put into place.' Please stop trying to make bargains like this. You get a breather only as long as he chooses to give you one. You MUST TAKE THE WHEEL HERE. You will not get the peace you desire as long as this dangerous man can have any sort of a foot in your door. A foot in the door means you allowing him contact with the DS. That has to stop.

To echo what Nickname says, this is a bullet that must be bitten. That means telling him you are through and finished and serving papers and orders to keep him away. There will be no bargaining this away.

I am going to bet money that your H will make no progress at his course. Any money. To say again what SGB said -- everyone, including the people who run the course, has told you to take this dangerous man seriously, and you have seen what he is capable of where you and the DS are concerned even so recently, while he is on the course and supposedly committed to change.

Again I agree with SGB -- You must permanently and forcibly have him excluded from your life and from your DS's. Do not saddle your child with a relationship with this dangerous moron. He doesn't deserve that sort of treatment.

thanks for the update itsnot. Glad your getting help regarding maintenance. I think the others are right, your H is incapable of change. I think your family have to cut him off If he calls them. Just tell him its none of their business and politely hang up.

Hope its nothing serious with your hand. Take care