Whoa so many replies. Thank you for everyone who has posted; I really feel your concern.
I didn't have a chance to check on this thread until this evening; but I spoke to many agencies today regarding my options as I have been just simmering with so many unanswered questions about his behaviour; and especially about the Sunday incident when I suddenly realised it was happening again and my boundaries had been just pushed over.
I didn't even see it coming; I thought I was in control of the situation; and that he understood very clearly what they were.
When all this first happened I thought there might be hope; that he would be capable of changing his behaviour. There were good times, some very good times in our relationship - which made me stay otherwise I would have left; but even before the escalating violence and aggression I was maybe unconciously questioning why staying in a relationship that I wasn't getting anything out of. Certainly not normal things like love and affection.
But this was like a frog in water effect; there were (early) warning signs which I can see now; I only realised the enormity of the situation when it was too late.
Since Sunday I've felt really pressured. He hasn't changed; still can't see that he did anything wrong. In his head he is doing everything possible to make our relationship work, except actually listen to the ground rules I've requested him to keep - and trust me they were only really basic rules. He should have been able to manage this.
On top of this there is the different persona he shows to others. I spoke to a friend who knows the situation; and when I told her about the Sunday incident and how I felt it was a watermark she told me that I was overthinking it; that a lot of what he does he doesn't mean, that it comes out wrong. Yes he is blindly insensitive; very tactless and yes he often doesn't do what anyone asks; but this is part of his relentless optimism and his personality - and I knew this when I married him.
I don't feel this. Anyone who doesn't understand boundaries is potentially dangerous because this isn't how society works.
So today I spoke to an Independent Domestic Violence Advocate again and explained the recent situation. It was a long conversation; there are a variety of options to go down. I will see her tomorrow as she has some paperwork for civil injunctions and a residency order. There is no harm in at least completing the paperwork so it is ready to go. I can't imagine actually going to court yet, but maybe small steps.
The other thing I did was to speak to Womens Aid again. They were very concerned. I said that I thought from a very unqualified amateur view that he may have some psychopathic tendencies to which she said to my suprise that she took seriously and she and her colleague had already discussed aspects of his personality that they found potentially dangerous.
I also spoke to my GP today who was really lovely. Because of my concerns about our son, and her concern for me; she will speak to my HV and my son's social worker tomorrow. She asked me what I actually wanted. It's difficult because of certain things like the house / mortgage etc I can only think short term.
I would like Social Services to case conference. There are issues like my mental health which could be a cause for concern if I do not have any support when things go wrong. And I do not want to ask my husband to be a crutch at all. I also want Social Services to be aware that I had to again remove my son from a harmful situation because of my husband. That the ground rules we had supposedly agreed like intelligent adults were not standing and so puts my son at risk.
I will also call Social Services again tomorrow and speak to the case worker; because it can't go on like this.
I will also speak to the police domestic violence protection unit again tomorrow as I think what he did on Sunday would be classified as harassment which they could possibly take action against as I believe it has to be more than one incident of harassment (he was verbally warned before).
I don't know if I want the action to be taken right now and the same goes for the civil orders. I do have grave concerns that this behaviour from my husband is when he is on his best behaviour and therefore thinks we can reconcile.
If I do take action and reveal all my cards; I am concerned as to how he will act. In all honesty I think he will do something illegal if I make it clear that I walk away with my son. It may not be 'serious' ie I may not be physically harmed at all; but he is the type of person to just hammer at my door at 3am and breach the peace.
I know the police will help if he does something that is illegal; but at the same time I do not want to be in the position of waiting for it to happen. And I don't want to be in the position of it happening to me at all and everything that it entails.
Long term I will have to look at the civil procedures. Short term a multiagency case conference I feel is the only option and its one that I would welcome because I need to demonstrate that my son is safe from harm in this; and I need to formalise some childcare contact with my husband; and emergency help from my family when I need it; rather than my husband doing me a 'favour' by taking care of our son occasionally.
Fortunately my husband has completely stoppped the sexualised behaviour. I suppose he actually has respected some boundaries when I said that I felt it was inappropriate and creeped me out.
Sorry, v long...