Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can a man have a temper without it being 'abuse'?

220 replies

Polaris · 31/01/2011 12:16

Can a man have a bad temper without his temper being abusive?

My DH has one. I suppose it is abusive because it's only ever aimed at me. But, he's not manipulative or controlling, so it's just a temper then, isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Polaris · 31/01/2011 16:43

So, a question: is simply raising your voice at someone a natural, personal reaction to a situation - and one that can be misunderstood - or an act of abuse? Sticks and stones and all that...?

OP posts:
CarolinaRua · 31/01/2011 17:02

Well I think many people raise their voices but prolonged shouting in a restaurant is not normal , nor is being so moody that everyone has to walk on eggshells. The way I see it is, you have 3 options, either way his behaviour is unacceptable to you and your children.

  1. Stand up to him and let him know you won't be bullied. Suggest counselling and if he wont then you need to make a decision.
  1. Leave him now.
  1. Stay and let things go on as they are with you becoming more and more of a doormat and your children getting a very poor role model for future relationships.
CarolinaRua · 31/01/2011 17:03

I should add that I would only stand up to him if you felt that there was no physical risk to you or your children.

merrywidow · 31/01/2011 17:04

So you say its 20% of the time

In business there is the 80/20 rule which roughly translates into 20% of your business will take 80% of your time to look after, therefore if he is abusive 20% of the time you will spend 80% of your time dealing with it.

I bet i'm right

Original poster
Polaris · 31/01/2011 17:09

Good point. I can't help it, I still care about him and I just don't think he's such a bad person that he deserves to loose his home and children. I just don't think I can do it to him.

I'm doing number 1 Carolina. I'm gonna talk to him tonight and get him on the case with counselling.

I'm now quite worried though about the fact that this may impact my DCs when they get to teenage years, as pointed out by Chicken.

I think I need to watch him very carefully and make a rational decision. If it can't be fixed, then I'll take action.

OP posts:
merrywidow · 31/01/2011 17:24

He deserves to lose his home if he can't look after his family in a respectful manner. And who said anything about losing his kids, he can still parent even if he isn't in the house - how he goes about that will be his choice.

The trouble with bullying men whose women continuously allow them to carry on regardless is that they will do exactly that, carry on the 'condoned' behaviour.

I bet he would cry and plead like a baby if you really said enough was enough; then you would see the true measure of the man, he will revert to type fairly soon if you stick to your guns.

merrywidow · 31/01/2011 17:25

Oh and another thing, he obviously doesn't feel he couldn't possibly be 'nasty' to you

ThePosieParker · 31/01/2011 17:27

Polaris....it won't be long and your children will be bullying you too....

You.have.to.leave.

ThePosieParker · 31/01/2011 17:28

You are worthy of happiness.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 31/01/2011 17:41

Posie, that's not necessarily true. My brother and I never turned on our mother, we tried to protect her. Pathetic, really.

Original poster
Polaris · 31/01/2011 17:45

Merry - he already cries if I mention breaking up. I hate it.

OP posts:
MoaningMedalllist · 31/01/2011 17:48

yes, I'd say so
but if you're 'tip toeing' round him then its abusive

MmeLindt · 31/01/2011 17:49

You hate it when he cried, and he does it to guilt you into staying.

merrywidow · 31/01/2011 17:51

The crying is abusive too - its all about him isn't it?

Peachy · 31/01/2011 17:53

DH has a strong temper; he walks out, slams a door, I shrug my shoulders and laugh. After half an hour he sneaks back in all guilt faced. i think early on when we together he did try and see if it would make me change my mind by storming in a car park but I drove off merrily waving bye and he had a ten mile trek home- he never did it isnce LOL.

Lots of people have tempoers; I am shouty ranter. It's how you deal with it as a partnership and how it makes you feel that matters. Dh and I match largely; lose temper then forget all about it for ever.

I couldn't be with a sulker though- yuck.

And if it was ever used to get something from me or to instill fear- bye bye.

Peachy · 31/01/2011 17:55

Oh and I know if I needed to I could yell in DH's face and not be at risk (have done it when something terible happened and I had a mini breakdown).

If someone dosn;t have that absolute level of physical security- well they deserve it as a bare minimum and really should go find someone worth having.

Good luck OP.

ThePosieParker · 31/01/2011 17:57

Sounds like he's got BPD....a bit of Narcissism thrown in.

Polaris.....you should talk to someone in RL that can stop you justifying and apologising for his behaviour.

Chandon · 31/01/2011 18:01

sorry to say this OP, but it is not about whether it is 20% or 1% of the time.

It is whether he thinks this is "acceptable" behaviour at all EVER.

He sounds pretty bad to be honest, I would not accept being treated like that EVER (but then I am very proud).

FWIW, I think his behaviour is so shocking I do not care what he is like the other 80% of the time.

My DH is moody, but it is not directed at me. He goes through phases of melancholy and anger. He knows how to deal with it (he might take himself for a long run) and I leave him to it.

If he would take it out on me or kids, in ANY way, I really would not stand for it.

Being humiliated in front of friends and children is not about a "mood", it is about respect. For you. Or lack thereof.

MadAboutQuavers · 31/01/2011 18:02

Polaris - my childhood was very similar to Chickens' and AF's.
My mother was able to keep the worst abuse hidden until my sister and I were about 12, but I do remember times when he made me very afraid of him when I was little.

You seem to be resigned to living half a life - happy to limp along unless something huge and devastating happens, such as a beating - at which point you imagine you would act.

My mother was the same. The beating happened one day. Did she leave? No. She'd already accepted years of abusive behaviour, so what was the point of rocking the boat for what was just one step downward on the abuse scale?

How can you guarantee you won't end up like my mother? The answer is, you can't. Unless you leave him for an abuse-free life.

I have no love whatever for my father. I have no respect for my mother, as she is a woman who will put up with abuse from her H in order to keep a veneer of respectability. How disgusting, and what a dreadful legacy to leave her children.

They are still together. She has now put up with this behaviour for a total of 45 years, although when he turned 60 my father had less energy to be abusive.

Ignore your mother. Of course she's going to advise you that you must stay. She doesn't know any different does she?

Original poster
Polaris · 31/01/2011 18:35

You see Peachy - I think DH sees his behaviour as like your DH's. That's where I'm confused. See, where does that become intimidating?

I can't see the wood for the trees. I hate to cry wolf over a hissy fit. When I went to Relate with him, the counseller was baffled as to why I felt physically threatened. Today the guy from Respect told me that, today, all Relate counsellers would now split us up for individual sessions as soon as I mentioned feeling threatened. I remember her looking at me quizzickly as though butter wouldn't have melted in DHs mouth, wanting to know why I thought he'd hit me one day. I felt stupid. Now I realise it was her that was wrong.

BUT, I'm fighting against so much prejudice. On MN people will say he's being abusive. In RL no one is taking me seriously. So much to take on - and so much of a judgement to be made.

OP posts:
Original poster
Polaris · 31/01/2011 19:13

OK - another anecdotal story.

About two weeks ago I though to myself 'we've been working really hard and have hardly seen each other. We should go for a drink.'

The last time we went out we ended up fighting because he didn't like what I was saying (with two of my family members) and invented this huge, complicated reason why what I was saying was trying to provoke him. So we had a bit of making up to do.

SO, I recommended we go to the pub to 'catch up.'

He seemed very willing - he likes to go out so all good there. Then the corners of his mouth turn up and he says, 'we talk.' And I say, 'we don't much I don't think.' Then he says 'you just don't listen'.

I'm aghast at this as I always listen to him. This is completely unfair. So, I say 'what have you said to me that I haven't listened to exactly.'. He said, 'OK, what peg should you put your towel on.' That pissed me off. I said 'that's not the sort of talking/listening I was referring to.' And then I had to dignify it with an answer. 'So you DO listen,' he says, 'you just choose to ignore me.' He then throws something about me not putting the milk away into the mix too. Seeing I cook all of his dinners and basically look after him like a prince, I can hardly believe how unfair this is.

So I just diverted the conversation away and it was left.

This is bad isn't it? This isn't just a quirky personality. But is it abuse or just sheer awkward bastardness?

OP posts:
merrywidow · 31/01/2011 19:45

tell him to shove the milk up his arse then stick the peg in there too.

merrywidow · 31/01/2011 19:46

hey that'll be quirky! The awkward bastard

susiedaisy · 31/01/2011 19:57

this seems to be another one of those posts that goes round and round in circles, Polaris only you know whether it is an acceptable way of life for you and your DC, but the fact that you have to post on here at all, shows me at least, that you are not happy, and IMO you strongly suspect that your DH is not behaving such a way that is conducive to a happy marriage, if i was you i would re read these posts again in a few days and see how you feel then, but if you stay put and accept his temper and all that goes with it, (which you are perfectly entitled to do) dont say that you done it for your DC because they will not thank you for it in the end.

ThePosieParker · 31/01/2011 19:58

Polaris...Forget RL/MN and think about how you envisaged your life and how far off it is. This is your life and now the life of your children's, is the life you have control to keep or leave a good place for you and your children to be? Why not?

This is about now, if you stay you agree to this life that presents itself, not something it used to be or something you think it may be again. This is who your husband is and this is how it makes you feel. I promise that however you think this is hidden from your children, it isn't. I promise you that you're worth more than this, children aside why is this okay for you? Aren't you worth respect?

You can ask 100 questions on here looking for either justification as to why you stay or reasons to leave, but none of them will alter your position. I think you'll find reasons to stay but I know that your heart will sink when you find them, when you realise that you're not leaving and nothing will change. You can do it if you want to, you can change all of this just look around at all the amazing women that post on these boards either in new happy relationships or doing it alone. They are all empowered by their choices, you can be by yours.

xxx