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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can a man have a temper without it being 'abuse'?

220 replies

Polaris · 31/01/2011 12:16

Can a man have a bad temper without his temper being abusive?

My DH has one. I suppose it is abusive because it's only ever aimed at me. But, he's not manipulative or controlling, so it's just a temper then, isn't it?

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 31/01/2011 14:18

My father is mildly abusive, according to your criteria. Did it affect me? Yep. Did I grow up walking on egg shells around a volatile man? Yes. Did I resent my mother for not protecting me from his verbal assaults? Yes. Did I think less of her for putting up with it? Yes. Do I find my adult relationship with my parents strained and scarred by my upbringing? You betcha.

CockneySparra · 31/01/2011 14:19

A lot lies in what you have just said:

I just don't know where the boundaries are

In my experience, abusive men often end up with women who don't have a firm idea of what is and isn't acceptable behaviour and live by it. That doesn'[t mean, for one second, that his behaviour is any reflection on you. He is a grown up and responsible for himself., But it does mean that he can get away with 'having a temper' with you, when most other people simply would not accept his abusive behaviour.

Anybody - male or female - who bullies or humiliates another is abusive, in my opinion.

Original poster
Polaris · 31/01/2011 14:20

AnyF - I'm stuck between both of the things you say. I can't work out if I can put up with it forever. I'm so unhappy because my marriage is. All I see is years of a disfunctional relationship ahead of me - one where I don't want to hug him or even converse with him.

BUT is it so bad that I have to ruin my DCs lives over it?

I suppose at least if I understand his behaviour then I can focus on the problem. At the moment my head is a mess.

The trouble is also that I am beginning to look at other men and think I'd rather be with them. I don't want to feel like that but if I keep going long enough in this relationship, I'm frightened I'll eventually get led down a path of temptation.

It's all a mess.

OP posts:
CockneySparra · 31/01/2011 14:20

...also - 'moderately abusive'?

Why? Because he isn't smashing your face in?

Humiliating or belittling your wife is extremely abusive, imo.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 14:23

Everything you have said in this thread points to the fact that you should end this relationship

not one thing you have said makes me think there is anything to hang onto, other than material things

is that really what's holding you back ?

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 14:24

what chickens said about her upbringing is exactly what I experienced as a child

I cannot stand my father

but my mother I reserve a special amount of contempt for...

Original poster
Polaris · 31/01/2011 14:25

Thanks Chickens, sorry to hear about your father.

DH adores DD and he is around her little finger funnily enough. I don't like the way he treats DS, though and I've told him this. He just gets irritated with him.

OP posts:
Thingumy · 31/01/2011 14:26

'BUT is it so bad that I have to ruin my DCs lives over it?'

Stay with their 'moderately' abusive father and you will have ruined children later on.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 14:27

ah, yes, my sibling and I were treated differently as children

TheVisitor · 31/01/2011 14:28

I think you're getting close to leaving him now anyway, but think on this. Your DS will think that this is how a man treats his partner. Your daughter will think that this is how men treat women. That's how it works. x

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 31/01/2011 14:28

He adores her now, while she isn't challenging him in any way or wanting her own opinion. That will change. I was an adored Daddy's girl until I decided to do things my own way. And if he's treating your DC differently, he is already hurting them both. Not to mention watching his interaction with you. Your DD will learn that a man can talk to you like shit, and you have to put up with it. Don't fool yourself that she won't.

CinnabarRed · 31/01/2011 14:29

You won't be ruining your DCs lives if you leave him - you'll be saving them.

Original poster
Polaris · 31/01/2011 14:29

AnyF - no we are as poor as anything. We are not a materialistic family, I just can't face moving out of the family home, which is modest but comfy.

Also, I'm miles away from my family and have no-one around so it'll be extra difficult to cope.

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 31/01/2011 14:30

"I suppose we all have to modify our behaviour to some extend though, otherwise we'd all be going around fighting in the street."

There is a difference between modifying your behaviour because you know that your partner would prefer it - such as me doing the housework even though I am a slatternly housewife who would rather MN all day - and modifying your behaviour because you are frightened of his reaction.

I do the housework because I want to live in a clean house, and keep it to DH's standards (almost) because I know he prefers it like that. At most he would moan at me, or show his disappointment.

He would not belittle me, nor would he rant and rage at me.

The fact that your DH mentally abuses you in front of others is scary. If you were my friend, I would be wondering what he is like at home, if that is the way he speaks to you in public.

ItsGraceAgain · 31/01/2011 14:31

Oh dear, Polaris :( I was going to post you a "Yes, it all depends on how it affects you" reply. But then I read your post at 13:45. He is abusive - verbally and emotionally - he's manipulative and he sounds like a nasty piece of work on top of that. This must all be very hard for you.

3rdnparty · 31/01/2011 14:33

Sorry Polaris he will be affecting your DCs- I was the adored DD and my DB was treated completely differently but when I wouldn't be bullied (at 14 I kicked off) it all changed - DB was bribed into favouritism as I had walked away - not seen mine for years now either of us - and mine split when I was 6/7 and db only 4/5 we could tell even then... Sad life as single parent hard but better than a life treading on egg shells

Original poster
Polaris · 31/01/2011 14:34

Thanks everyone. I have thought about these things. I know it's bad but I just can't stand the disappointment from everyone. It'll all be my fault that we're splitting up. I'll be judged, our social circle will divide and I'll be on the 'where have all the single men gone' thread.

It's all just unbearable. It could just be a case of 'better the devil you know'. He might mellow out over time, yes?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 14:37

Your choice, of course

Don't expect anyone to encourage to stay with such a bully though

And expect judgement about keeping your children in such a toxic environment

You have a choice, they don't < shrug >

All the best

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 31/01/2011 14:38

Polaris, I'm going to be honest with you now. And I'm doing so because no-one spoke up for me as a child. If you stay in a marriage with a bullying husband, your children will suffer. They will grow up and away from you. They will either repeat the pattern in their own relationships, or judge you incredibly harshly as soon as they're able. You have a choice, your DC don't. I wish someone had intervened in my situation, rather than no-one wanting to rock the boat. Having a comfy home is a truly shit reason for allowing this to happen, truly.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 31/01/2011 14:39

My father has mellowed over time. Too fucking late, though. Because when he wasn't mellow, he helped to shape me. And you never forget.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 14:40

People did try to intervene when I was a child

but my mother brushed them all off

just like you are doing

CinnabarRed · 31/01/2011 14:40

"He might mellow out over time, yes?"

No.

droves · 31/01/2011 14:43

Polaris i have never heard of an abusive man who mellows with age ....they only get worse .

Please listen to the posters who tell you to leave.

He is damaging you
he is damaging your children , by how he is treating you
You must know that one day he might snap and lose his temper with your dc.

You are so full of doubt and clinging to the hope he might change and think that its only you thats affected by his behaviour,
You sound like the typical abused wife. Sad

You deserve better .Your children deserve better.

ShirleyKnot · 31/01/2011 14:43

Polaris.

There are worse things in life than being on your own. Lots worse. Like being bullied in your own home by the man who is supposed to love you. Not even just in your own home now though is it?

Worse, yet, is knowing that you are letting your children down, and that they will reap what you and that bullying abusive arsehole, are sowing.

Things will not improve.

GettinganIcyGrip · 31/01/2011 14:44

Everything that AF said with knobs on. I hated my abusive, frightening shouty angry father, but by God I despise my mother for staying with him and keeping us in that situation.

At 50 I am now in psychotherapy, my father is dead, and my relationship with my mother is one of duty.

I had relationships with clones of my father, and the last four years without a man in my life and the kids lives has been the best time ever.

We have had no money and were a week away from homeless at one point, but it was still better than staying with the abusers.

Your children will be damaged if you stay with this person. And they will blame you.

Sorry to be harsh, but that is the way it is.