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Original poster

I don't want this baby

161 replies

CinnabarRed · 24/01/2011 11:43

I would really appreciate your help to get my thoughts together. I?d also like to hear from anyone who?s been in a similar situation; what decision you made and whether you regretted it. I also know that hthere are women out there who would give their right arm for a baby, and I'm sorry to anyone who finds this insensitive,

I found out on Saturday that I?m pregnant. We thought we were being sufficiently careful (my periods hadn?t come back after I stopped breastfeeding DS2 in November, and we were using condoms) but clearly not careful enough. My best guess based on how pregnant I feel is that I?m about 6 weeks.

Background: DP and I have been together for six years, and have two children (DS1 is 3.2 years and DS2 is 9 months). My pregnancy with DS1 was very complicated, and I was incredibly fortunate to get to term and give birth to a happy, healthy baby. However, I suffered severe PND, and neither DP nor I really realised how bad it was (we both thought it was normal for new mothers to feel emotional) in time to seek help at the time. DP thinks that it took me a good 18 months to get back to being me, which feels right to me too.

After counselling, I had to courage to try for another baby. We were lucky, I fell pregnant straight away, my pregnancy was textbook and trouble-free, and DS2 is the most wonderful baby I could want. However, I again had severe PND. We had hoped that I wouldn?t after a very easy pregnancy, but if anything I was worse than with DS1 (I was suicidal the second time round). The difference this time was we knew to seek help and my GP, HV and the local mental health team were brilliant. I started on ADs when DS2 was 8 weeks old and am still taking them now.

I love my boys and DP more than anything. But I find the thought of another baby horrifying.

From a purely practical perspective, there?s no reason to worry. We would be fine financially, we have enough bedrooms for all three, childcare would be manageable. DP and I have a good, loving, respectful relationship.

DP was raised Catholic, although he isn?t a regular churchgoer. However, his faith gives a quiet and constant flavour to his thinking and moral compass. When we first met and were talking hypothetically about children he told me that he couldn?t continue a relationship with someone who had an abortion. He?s older and wiser now, and having seen me struggle so much with the DSs has said that he loves me enough to respect whatever decision I make. But I worry that if I did decide to terminate this pregnancy he might not be able to come to terms with it. To him, abortion would be the same as killing a little DS1 or DS2.

But my head is so muddled; I don?t know what I would do even if DP?s feeling weren?t in the equation. I?m not sure which of my thoughts are sensible and which are selfish. In no particular order, my fears are:

  • Getting PND again. I don?t know if I could survive falling back into that suicidal pit of despair again.
  • I really felt our family was complete. It felt right when DS2 came along (despite the subsequent PND) in a way that it didn't with just DS1.
  • Things are just getting easier again. DS2 is starting to sleep through and is in a routine, DS1 is potty training well. I don?t know if I have the mental or physical energy to start again with night feeds and exhaustion.
  • It would be the final nail in the coffin for career progression. I work in one of those professions where youth is overvalued and you need to have made it before 40 if you?re ever going to. I derive a great deal of satisfaction and self-worth from my career. I?ve only been back from maternity leave with DS2 for 2 weeks.
  • DS2 would only be 17 months (or thereabouts) when the new baby comes. That?s still a baby himself. He deserves more time as the centre of my world.
  • DS1 has been brilliant with DS2. We?ve had so little sibling upset. Surely we couldn?t be that lucky again? Why rock a very happy apple cart? I'm happy as we are.
  • I?m getting on a bit. I feel like we dodged two bullets in having two happy, healthy babies (we didn?t take up the usual antenatal screening tests because DP?s faith meant we knew we would keep both pregnancies even if there was a problem).
  • We?ve just employed a lovely nanny. She?d been out of work for several months and is so happy to have found a permanent job. We couldn?t afford to keep her on while I was on maternity leave with the new baby.

But in any case, I don?t know if I could go through with an abortion. I can?t imagine what it would be like to actually take the pills, knowing what would happen as a result. Maybe I can come to love this baby. Maybe if I have him/her then in a year?s time I?ll be thanking my lucky stars that I didn?t have an abortion. I don?t know.

Thank you for listening. Sorry for rambling.

I won?t be able to come back on line today, but will check in this evening. Please don?t think I?m ignoring you.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 27/01/2011 09:03

Opps, I see the thread has moved on....didn't have time to read all of it.

I am pleased you have come to a decision. It is a very hard place to be, isn't it!

And congratulations on your wedding! You could always have a blessing later on if dh wants something 'bigger'!

hellymelly · 27/01/2011 09:23

Great that you've come to a decision now.Before I read the whole thread,my thoughts were these-that I've never met anyone who regretted a baby,once that baby had arrived (there may well be people who do,just I have never met one)but I have plenty of friends who have been emotionally destroyed by terminations. Your fears of PND of course are very valid,but a termination may have also given you a long period of grief or depression .The other issue,of your career-if it is indeed a very youth based field,then sooner or later you will need to change tack and do something that progresses naturally from what you do now,or change direction entirely.
I did wonder,how much of your PND might have been to do with unresolved issues from the first birth,and also feelings about your career and pressure from the "youth" element of that,which can make anyone feel highly stressed if they feel out of the loop for a while.Perhaps consider some counselling before this baby is born? wishing you much happiness with your pregnancy now and your slightly larger than ideal but still brilliant family in the future!!x

RMCW · 27/01/2011 10:58

Wishing you all the luck in the world x

TimeForACHEEKYWine · 27/01/2011 12:16

Wishing you all the luck in the world.

I was in your position in 2009. I fell pregnant in Jan 2009, decided to have a termination but was waiting from 4 weeks to 11 weeks for the termination. :( In this time i was hospitalised with Hyperemesis. I lost 2stone in 2 weeks, i couldnt keep anything down.

That wasnt my main worry though, i also suffered bad PND after hte birth of both my sons, after DS1 i felt down but held it together without help right up until my DS2 was born 18 months later. I had a CPN and HV support throughout. I couldnt face PND again and the fear of labour and giving birth all over again.

I terminated at 11 weeks and i dont regret it.

Wishing you all the best.

bestmamaderwelt · 27/01/2011 14:49

I don't understand hes a catholic adverse to abortion but uses contraception? There not much more to a 6 week old foetus than cells, i cant see the difference. It is every woman's right to do with her body what she will. Abortions can be no ones decision apart from the women's especially were mental health might be affected. I'm sorry i don't mean to sound sanctimonious.

fragglerocks · 27/01/2011 14:59

All I can say is Smile!!!
xx

SlightlyJaded · 27/01/2011 15:05

I have been watching this thread and sobbing following your thoughts.

I just wanted to tell you that you and your DH sound like utterly lovely people who didn't deserve the heartache you had to go through.

I am very glad that you have made a choice you are happy with. And however hard it might be, I am sure you wont regret it.

What lucky children you have

ilovesprouts · 27/01/2011 15:30

great news to you bothSmile

Original poster
CinnabarRed · 09/02/2011 15:59

Just wanted to give you all an update.

I'm still happy with our decision to keep the baby. I had a scan yesterday and I'm 8 weeks and 2 days (almost exactly what I felt like, which is good because it means I can trust how my body's feeling).

We're telling the lovely In-Laws on Friday!

Smile
OP posts:
Whippoorwhill · 09/02/2011 22:05

Thank you so much for updating. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been thinking about you from time to time. :)

Original poster
CinnabarRed · 05/05/2011 14:12

Another quick update. I'm just home from our 20 week scan, and it's another boy. DS1 will be pleased - he was adamant that he didn't want a sister, but would still have preferred a kitten to a brother.... Hmm

DP and I have set a date to get married in July.

OP posts:
wonka · 05/05/2011 14:34

Congratulations on the wedding and glad the pregnancy is going well! X

EggInABap · 05/05/2011 15:46

Three brothers, very special!! Congratulations X

welshbyrd · 05/05/2011 16:01

Congratulations OP

Had to laugh at DSs preference for a kitten to a baby

Im sure when baby is here, he will love him dearly x

UnlikelyAmazonian · 05/05/2011 17:01

Well done OP!! You will manage. Somehow. You just will. Your love for each other shines through your posts. I wish so very much that I could have had another child (or 2) so am quite Envy !

Hope your wedding is a lovely special day for you all. x x

280169 · 05/05/2011 20:27

what a dilema for you, i had pnd and it is hard,i had a terminaton when i got pregnant at 16 my baby would be 25 now-i will never get over it, it was forced on me by parents and not what i wanted.

i will never forgive myself and think of what could have been often.
i have a great dh and 2 fab dc now but i always feel like such a shit for what i let happen
please think carefully.x

280169 · 05/05/2011 20:37

sorry just read whole thread, huge congratulations to you, i wish you every happiness.x

FreudianSlipper · 05/05/2011 20:39

i think it has to be your choice

sounds like your dh is supportive and religious beliefs often go out of the window when faced with an unwanted pregnancy

forget the practicalities, your husband not supporting you (as he has shown no sign of not) and concentrate how you really feel being pregnant. its a horrible feeling being pregnant and not wanting to be but i think you need to be a little clearer in your own head is it about practicalities, fear of pnd or a mixture of both or jsut simply you do not want another baby which is perfectly an ok way to feel, just a horrible situation to be in

do not beat yourself up about not wanting to be pregnant you are not the first and will not be the last to feel this way

FreudianSlipper · 05/05/2011 20:41

ooops i have done the same thing

wonderful news that all is going so well :o

moajab · 06/05/2011 23:04

Congratulations! I have three boys (youngest was unplanned!) and life is chaotic, noisy and great fun! Have also recently added a cat to our family.... which might inspire your DS1! Good luck with your wedding and the rest of your pregnancy!

Anniegetyourgun · 06/05/2011 23:13

I liked having three boys so much that when they'd grown up a bit I added a fourth. And cats.

springbokdoc · 08/05/2011 02:55

Cinnabar - just read through this thread (ds waking every hour so waiting until DH's turn to start getting up - 10 mins to go :)). I'm so glad that things have worked out for you!

Congrats on the wedding and the baby boy Grin

proudfoot · 08/05/2011 15:48

Just read through this thread and think you sound a lovely family. All the best to you, your DH and 3 boys! :)

unwillingpuppysitter · 08/05/2011 16:06

I cried with happiness at your thread too Smile I am sooo glad you are able to keep the baby whilst having sensible practical arrangements in place eg keeping the nanny. I am a little Hmm at your DP's religious beliefs (2 DC without a wedding, but completely against termination????) but still think that you came to the right decision for you as you are clearly both happy with it. Children really are always a blessing.

Heed the advice further up the thread about not compromising your career more than you have to with 3 DC and good luck with the wedding (a very wise precaution if you are indeed compromising your career as it is the only way you get legal protection for your future financial wellbeing although hopefully that will be academic!)

I am certain you will have no regrets.

sillysow · 08/05/2011 21:00

Congratulations on your update.... wishing you all the very best with DS3 and the wedding x