I don't want this baby

[CinnabarRed]

I would really appreciate your help to get my thoughts together. I?d also like to hear from anyone who?s been in a similar situation; what decision you made and whether you regretted it. I also know that hthere are women out there who would give their right arm for a baby, and I'm sorry to anyone who finds this insensitive,

I found out on Saturday that I?m pregnant. We thought we were being sufficiently careful (my periods hadn?t come back after I stopped breastfeeding DS2 in November, and we were using condoms) but clearly not careful enough. My best guess based on how pregnant I feel is that I?m about 6 weeks.

Background: DP and I have been together for six years, and have two children (DS1 is 3.2 years and DS2 is 9 months). My pregnancy with DS1 was very complicated, and I was incredibly fortunate to get to term and give birth to a happy, healthy baby. However, I suffered severe PND, and neither DP nor I really realised how bad it was (we both thought it was normal for new mothers to feel emotional) in time to seek help at the time. DP thinks that it took me a good 18 months to get back to being me, which feels right to me too.

After counselling, I had to courage to try for another baby. We were lucky, I fell pregnant straight away, my pregnancy was textbook and trouble-free, and DS2 is the most wonderful baby I could want. However, I again had severe PND. We had hoped that I wouldn?t after a very easy pregnancy, but if anything I was worse than with DS1 (I was suicidal the second time round). The difference this time was we knew to seek help and my GP, HV and the local mental health team were brilliant. I started on ADs when DS2 was 8 weeks old and am still taking them now.

I love my boys and DP more than anything. But I find the thought of another baby horrifying.

From a purely practical perspective, there?s no reason to worry. We would be fine financially, we have enough bedrooms for all three, childcare would be manageable. DP and I have a good, loving, respectful relationship.

DP was raised Catholic, although he isn?t a regular churchgoer. However, his faith gives a quiet and constant flavour to his thinking and moral compass. When we first met and were talking hypothetically about children he told me that he couldn?t continue a relationship with someone who had an abortion. He?s older and wiser now, and having seen me struggle so much with the DSs has said that he loves me enough to respect whatever decision I make. But I worry that if I did decide to terminate this pregnancy he might not be able to come to terms with it. To him, abortion would be the same as killing a little DS1 or DS2.

But my head is so muddled; I don?t know what I would do even if DP?s feeling weren?t in the equation. I?m not sure which of my thoughts are sensible and which are selfish. In no particular order, my fears are:

• Getting PND again. I don?t know if I could survive falling back into that suicidal pit of despair again.

• I really felt our family was complete. It felt right when DS2 came along (despite the subsequent PND) in a way that it didn't with just DS1.

• Things are just getting easier again. DS2 is starting to sleep through and is in a routine, DS1 is potty training well. I don?t know if I have the mental or physical energy to start again with night feeds and exhaustion.

• It would be the final nail in the coffin for career progression. I work in one of those professions where youth is overvalued and you need to have made it before 40 if you?re ever going to. I derive a great deal of satisfaction and self-worth from my career. I?ve only been back from maternity leave with DS2 for 2 weeks.

• DS2 would only be 17 months (or thereabouts) when the new baby comes. That?s still a baby himself. He deserves more time as the centre of my world.

• DS1 has been brilliant with DS2. We?ve had so little sibling upset. Surely we couldn?t be that lucky again? Why rock a very happy apple cart? I'm happy as we are.

• I?m getting on a bit. I feel like we dodged two bullets in having two happy, healthy babies (we didn?t take up the usual antenatal screening tests because DP?s faith meant we knew we would keep both pregnancies even if there was a problem).

• We?ve just employed a lovely nanny. She?d been out of work for several months and is so happy to have found a permanent job. We couldn?t afford to keep her on while I was on maternity leave with the new baby.

But in any case, I don?t know if I could go through with an abortion. I can?t imagine what it would be like to actually take the pills, knowing what would happen as a result. Maybe I can come to love this baby. Maybe if I have him/her then in a year?s time I?ll be thanking my lucky stars that I didn?t have an abortion. I don?t know.

Thank you for listening. Sorry for rambling.

I won?t be able to come back on line today, but will check in this evening. Please don?t think I?m ignoring you.

I have also just read the whole thread and am now a blubbering wreck... I can't imagine the heartache you have been going through Cinnabar... just wanted to say I wish you and your family all the best and I hope you are able to get the support you need.

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What does that mean ilovesprouts? Am a bit confused...

it just means im keeping a eye on the post ,hope ya get the help you need

Oh. I'll make sure to keep the thread updated!

Yes, thanks for the update, all the best CinnebarRed. Take care x

Sorry you are having to make this decision but I do think it has to be something yourself and DP have 100% decided on between the two of you as it may cause problems later on regardless of whether you keep the baby or terminate the pregnancy.

Personally, I have made a similar decision myself, 3 months after DD1 I found out i was pregnant again, I'd had a very difficult pregnancy and birth and still wasn't over it, the thought of another baby made me very fearful. After ALOT of talking with DP, GP and HV I decided to terminate my pregnancy. For me it was the right thing to do at that point in my life, I dont regret it now but I do think about it, it can be hard to come to terms with. Luckily my DP was with me 100%, 3 years after this we did have another baby.

i hope you make a decision that is right for everyone involved.

Cinnabar, I am so for you having to make this decision.

I have namechanged for this because I am a regular. Sadly I was in a similar position, and sadly I made the decision to terminate my pregnancy. I say 'sadly' because it was a very, very sad decision to make, but I think that sadness was an expected consequence rather than a reason not to go ahead. We both cried at the loss of what might have been and still now we wonder what age our child would have been.

But for me the reality was that I could not face the risk of another bout of PND. I could not jeaporise the relationship I had with my existing dcs, or the relationship I had with my dh. Both of those had been seriously threatened when I had PND. I had also been suicidal and I could not face that despair again.

It was a sad decision to make at the time, but one which I still feel was right for our whole family for our short term survival and for our long term stability.

I think it is good that you are speaking to all the relevant professionals and making your decisions rationally. It may well be that retaining your nanny will reduce your tiredness and give you a better chance of avoiding or reducing the potential impact of PND.

I wish you all the best with whatever decision you make.

Can I add my two penn'orth with a positive story?

Friend of ours had 2 children and then twins who turned out to have Cystic Fibrosis and were very ill from birth.When they were 9 months she got accidentally pregnant and was horrified.Couldn't think of termination ( religious reasons) but absolutely didn't want this baby so she sort of blanked it out as much as possible and got on with everything else.

She still didn't really want him when she went into labour then, as soon as he was born, it was as if a light had been switched on. He was beautiful, healthy ( as it turned out) and very easy. He just mucked in with the others, has a lovely nature and has never given them any problems.

I hope whatever happens it all works out for you.

Cinnabar, I.m so glad you've reached a decision and woke up clear headed and feeling good this morning.

very best wishes :)

Cinnabar, I could have written your post myself a few weeks ago. I am pregnant with DC4 and was horrified when I found I was pregnant again. But after grappling with the decision we have decided to continue and I am now 15 weeks pregnant. I feel happier every day about the pregnancy though do have moments of sheer panic (largely because I have just got my career back and feel like already it is a huge juggling act) but I knwo that this baby will be loved and welcomed into the family. I really hope that you feel this too very soon, you are so courageous

CinnabarRed, I just wanted to say that I have read the thread, and by the way you write and the things you say it is more than clear that you are a mature, responsible, intelligent, sane woman. I am in no doubt that you would have done the best of either decision. I have no idea what I would have done in your position, but if I ever were, I just wish I would keep my head as cool as you and I would have such a supportive network of family, friends and partner.

My best wishes for your future. Whichever it is, you have the strength to dance through it with flying colors.

Wow - what an amazing journey and I'm not sure it's over yet. Just wanted to wish you all the very best in whatever you decide. The fact that you can be open with yourself, your DP and your friend is fantastic and I think you are an amazingly strong woman.

Not all babies are longed for or are wanted at the moment their existance becomes a possibility and many of us wonder what our lives would be like if we hadn't had children at all or had only had one, two etc.

However this pans out, you have considered all members of your family, including the tiniest one and only you and your DP can weigh up everything you need to consider and see where that leaves the scales. Good luck!

And good luck with the nanny too - extend your mortgage, go interest only, sell all the stuff in the garage you think you'll use one day and probably won't!!

Op just wanted to say that I could have written this post. Have literally cried all the way through.
I made a choice too and 4 years later, am still living with the fallout.
Hope you make the right decision for you.

what a wonderful couple you sound op,truly what a good relationship should be

good luck to both of you on your journey

Hi everyone. Thanks for all of your messages of support and encouragement. Yet again you've shown that MN is so much more than a nest of vipers.

DP and I went out for a meal last night to talk. He asked me to go through my thinking re deciding to keep the baby. (I'd woken him at 3 AM to tell him last night and he wanted to discuss it properly.)

I explained that seeing him so sad had convinced me that I personally couldn't go though with a termination (absolutely no disrespect to anyone who came to the other conclusion, it's such an individual matter). Once I knew that then the panic started to recede and I could start thinking clearly about my fears and how we might be able to counter them. Obviously the big one is PND, which hopefully can be managed with ADs, but disuption to the existing happy family is close behind.

DP and I ran through my back-of-an-envelope financial calculations and he agreed that we can just about afford to keep on our nanny (can I call her K? It seems wrong to keep calling her "the nanny" when she's a real person). So providing K is happy to stay on (I really hope she will be) then that's one worry out of the way.

And we are going to get married this Summer! DP is still thinking about what he wants. All things being equal he'd prefer a big wedding, but he's OK with a small family one now, provided we have a huge party later on! We're thinking of badging it as waiting until CinnabarRed can drink the champagne.... again.

Oh, and I'm still feeling happy with the decision this morning.

Congratulations, Cinnabar. I am so glad that you and your DH have come to an agreement and that you are keeping the baby. Your post about your talk with him made me cry. He sounds lovely.

Gosh Cinnabar - what a positively refreshing thread to read in relationships.

You sound like you have a wonderful wonderful partner and family.

I would like to wish you all the very best for the coming months.

CBG xx

When I was unexpectedly ( and undeservedly)pregnant by mistake my DH asked me to look 10 years down the line, he said that long term I would not regret having a child, but I might regret having a termination. He was resolute that it was my decision, but that he would support me whatever line I took. I hope these thoughts might help you with your predicament

Your DP sounds lovely .

I was in your position late 2008. I found myself pregnant & instantly knew that I couldn't do it all again. The reasons are many & varied, but mainly because I suffer terribly in pregnancy (Pre eclampsia, carpal tunnel, 2 sections) and I couldn't put my body through all that again. We had used condoms, I was ebf & on mini pill.

I had a termination. I don't regret it. I know I have enough on my plate with 2dds, and I know I wouldn't cope with 3.

Good Luck.