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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just hit my DH

271 replies

OhHelpMePlease · 22/01/2011 17:41

So we were arguing about going to his parents house tomorrow and i just flipped and threw the candle stick at him. It hit his head and there was a little blood.

He didnt say anything and just went upstairs for 30mins. He has now walked out and is not anwering his phone.

Have i lost him? I havent got a clue on why i reacted that way.

Will he leave me?

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 23/01/2011 14:09

I am happy to be wrong when I said I thought your husband was going to leave you.

I hope things go very well for you all now and you don't ever do it again.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2011 14:43

m...you will find those "extreme" posts are usually in the minority

you get a range of opinions on MN, from end of the scale to another

that is what is so good about it !

anybody who needs things sugar-coating though, very quickly finds this place isn't for them Smile

AnyFucker · 23/01/2011 14:43

sorry that was aimed at tattie

AbsentFather · 23/01/2011 14:55

Violence against men is not the same. It is still horrific but is something we still feel we have control over.

My wife was violent too me on a regular basis for 5 years. We are both stubborn and if we could not agree she would take out her frustration, by hitting me, biting me, kicking me and smothering me with pillows when I was asleep.

I could always dismiss it or pass it off as I was brought up in an all boys school at a time when you did not report bullying or violence. You just took it and got on. I did this with my wife for five years and always convinced myself that although she was trying to actually kill me at times (smothering me in my sleep) that I was somehow in control of the situation.

It is something that counselling is needed for. My wife managed to completely cut out the violence for the last two years of the marriage. In my case she found alternative ways to abuse me and would if situations got too heated just walk out of the house but I accept responsibility for provoking her. I was not an easy husband. Schizoid or Aspergers, whatever they want to label me, I was at times too distant.

Make a point of saying sorry to the husband frequently for the next few weeks. Acknowledge that you are completely to blame for the violence and that there was no justification. Get professional help and then sit down with your husband and find ways to step back from these anger situations.

Good luck to you and I for one think you deserve a second chance.

happyhoggy · 23/01/2011 14:56

hey, this guy really loves you

be a good girl now

Mymblesson · 23/01/2011 17:00

It is still horrific but is something we still feel we have control over.

Ha! Try telling that to my friend who had nearly 10 years of violence from his wife.

He married her at 17 and she was quite a lot older. A violent alcoholic as it turned out, who would frequently punch and kick him. He used to just try to cover his bits and avoid injury: he was, you see, brought up to know that hitting girls was wrong and therefore quite unable to defend himself by hitting back.

He had developed breast cancer (yes, really) in his 20s, whether as a result of the stress or the constant punching in the chest is unclear.

So, bollocks to your 'we' crap. lazy sterotyping of men isn't just confined to some women in MN, so it seems.

happyhoggy · 23/01/2011 17:05

why are people stressing over this? the guy DECIDED TO STAY fgs!

AnyFucker · 23/01/2011 17:06

Mymble, your poor friend

that is horrible

DeidreBarlow · 23/01/2011 17:06

OP I'm glad that you are able to sort this out. Good luck too you.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 23/01/2011 17:11

Oh I once threw a vase at my husband when we were packing up to move house. He ducked and it took a chunk out of the wall! 24 years later we are still going strong with a 22 and 20 year old who did not grow up abused by me.

Your DH really should have ducked out of the way!!

AbsentFather · 23/01/2011 17:11

I have always been in a position where I can get free and then out of the room and out of the house if necessary.

The violence is nothing compared to the legal abuse. I have solicitors now piling endless court orders my way in an attempt to restrict my contact with my children to supervised contact with a family member present and with this I feel totally powerless. Continual humiliation in frot of my closest family and questioning of my parenting abilities.

Endless allegations and abuse being thrown my way and the wife makes a point of copying in all my immediate family despite my requests not to. It is a form of domestic abuse that I cannot escape even when I am living far away.

The bite marks and bruising were easy.

Mymblesson · 23/01/2011 17:21

Mymble, your poor friend

Yes indeed. Fortunately he's very happy now with a lovely woman, also a friend of mine, and has been with her for almost 15 years.

They live a few miles away from us and we see them frequently. I didn't really know that much about the past (as it happened before I knew him) and he just opened up aboout it once when we were in the pub having a drink and talking about life in general. I had heard something about it from his partner, however.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2011 17:49

Nice to hear a happy ending.

I expect he would have found that difficult to talk about at the time, bearing in mind that violence perpetrated against men by women was less well-recognised back then.

Mymblesson · 23/01/2011 18:15

Yes, much less recognised. The attitude to physical abuse of men by their partners back then was fairly much "he's bigger than her, why doesn't he just overpower her?"

It doesn't work like that.

Mymblesson · 23/01/2011 18:25

Your DH really should have ducked out of the way!!]

Tsk! Yes, what a stupid bastard he was, eh?

AnyFucker · 23/01/2011 18:30

Best to ignore that comment, Mym

on account of it being ridiculous

Mymblesson · 23/01/2011 18:32

I know. Couldn't resist, though Wink

AnyFucker · 23/01/2011 18:34

< not exactly covered in glory wrt to ignoring posts that really should be ignored >

happyhoggy · 23/01/2011 18:41

eh i thought she was being sarcastic with the whole - 'your DH should have ducked'

dont think she meant that literaly

AF and Mymble - you are reading too much into this

Mymblesson · 23/01/2011 18:45

eh i thought she was being sarcastic

I shall be sure to deploy such wit on the next domestic violence thread posted here.

Remind me, will you?

AnyFucker · 23/01/2011 18:50

HH...if that is the case I shall apologise unreservedly

It doesn't read that way to me though

which is a bit shit on a DV thread

if you are going to use sarcasm on such a sensitive topic, it might be best to make sure you clearly signpost that is what it is

prettyfly1 · 23/01/2011 18:51

Absent your story is awful and I am so sorry that you are experiencing that, I feel really sad for you.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 23/01/2011 19:03

absentfather 'the wife ?'

Biscuit
UnlikelyAmazonian · 23/01/2011 19:26

Has anybody who has been in a long-term physical or emotionally abusive relationship never, ever hit back once or thrown something or lashed out verbally at their abuser?

Serious question as there are people on here who have been abused.

Not even in the last breath or at the last minute... when you were escaping? Hit out? Lashed out?

UnlikelyAmazonian · 23/01/2011 19:34

Supposing your abusive partner was menacing your baby? Would you hit him, hard to stop him?

Is that abusive? Abuse?

as in violence is never acceptable ???

This nothing to do with the OP's post.

Just that, since this has become an all-encompassing 'DV' thread, I would like to know...

has any woman on here who has been more than once intimidated or abused physically or emotionally (most importantly the latter) never ever ever been provoked into a reaction?