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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have just hit my DH

271 replies

OhHelpMePlease · 22/01/2011 17:41

So we were arguing about going to his parents house tomorrow and i just flipped and threw the candle stick at him. It hit his head and there was a little blood.

He didnt say anything and just went upstairs for 30mins. He has now walked out and is not anwering his phone.

Have i lost him? I havent got a clue on why i reacted that way.

Will he leave me?

OP posts:

babycoocoo · 23/01/2011 00:26

he should have left you

beeny · 23/01/2011 00:34

im glad you worked it out and he didnt leave you

TimeForACHEEKYWine · 23/01/2011 00:49

babycoocoo
thats not nice, she has said they are working things out. It was a one off. Why should he leave her?

A1980 · 23/01/2011 01:10

I haven't read the last page of this but please PLEASE don't tell your GP you assaulted your husband in a fit of rage for absolutely nothing.

That will be on your medical notes for life. What happens when you have children? Will the GP deem them at risk of your temper.

I read another thread on here a few weeks back when a mum told the MW she had some very minor mental health issues (depression) a while ago and she ended up with social services breathing down her neck.

I don't agree that you should go running for counselling after one incident. While i DO NOT condone any sort of violence in a realtionship, there is a difference between a history of hitting someone and a one off incident. As LONG as this has not happened before, don't treat yourself as if you have a major problem with anger management and go running for counselling about it. Go and see your GP about the stress and short temper but don't tell the GP you assaulted your DH and need help as a result.... do you know what that can lead to?!

I imagine you feel like SHIT and the bigegst bitch in the world given that DH had bought you a new car, was trying to surprise you and you behaved like that. I'm sure you've learned your lesson and that this incident and how awful you felt about it will be on your mind for a very long time. I think you've learned your lesson. Try and put it behind you.

scottishmummy · 23/01/2011 01:40

this apologist poor you is vile.you were violent and out of control. poor man.had a woman posted that the full wrath of mn and all the cries of abuser/get out would ring out

threads like this display the apologist,dont get caught poor you posts because it is a woman

had a man posted this the responses would be wildly different

A1980 · 23/01/2011 01:54

Scottishmum I think it's terrible too and I don't condone it at all.

My response would have been wildly different if the husband had not forgiven her. The OP fully expected him to leave her and IMO if that had happened then my response would've been hard luck.

But it was HIS decision to forgive, forget, to continue TTC with her and put it behind them and continue with the marriage. He is not gonig to leave her and wants to put it behind them. So based on HIS decision, just leave it. There is no need to go to the GP and turn yourself in nad ask for counselling. If they want to have children, a history of violnce on her notes may be problematic.

Hopefully this incident will be one she does not forget and will not be repeated.

scottishmummy · 23/01/2011 01:57

many apologists on thread,no way a man would get this response.

sad really

scottishmummy · 23/01/2011 02:02

A1980,you are an apologist for her violence. recommending being circumspect with facts,best not reflect bad upon the perpetrator?

really had a man posted that would you be so keen to not leave a paper trail.so keen to maintain his integrity.reads like apologist rationale to me

MsPav · 23/01/2011 02:07

I don't understand the reasoning that this is a one off? The first time you are assaulted always is. I hope that you can work this out, and please get help on Monday as you plan.

But, as a victim of DV I have to say, my XH was always full of remorse, from the very start of it. I loved him, and tolerated it for far too long.

Anyhow, I wish you the best in dealing with this BUT don't simply ignore it, deal with your problem now.

swallowedAfly · 23/01/2011 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MommyMayhem · 23/01/2011 07:46

Say you're sorry, you obviously played too much Cluedo as a child. Make a mental note to never, ever do it again. And make sure he knows how sorry you are. And maybe seek some help on the Conception board with your ttc issues?

belgo · 23/01/2011 08:11

What concerns me most OP is that you say you are TTC.

If TTC is successful, how do you think you are going to cope with the stress of a baby? Toddler? Child? Teenager? If you react to stress now with violence, do you really think you are ready to become a mother?

It is not just a matter of apologising and begging him for his forgiveness. By all means apologise, but do not pressurise him into forgiving you. Your future actions are more relevant then any apology you may give him.

I don't think you should continue TTC before you have sorted out your anger issues.

DeidreBarlow · 23/01/2011 08:23

Who hasn't lost their temper in an argument? That is essentially what happened here. It was totally wrong to throw something at her OH. But I have done the same (it was a shoe, and its never happened again). I don't think it points to systematic abuse of her DH, nor do I think it warrants them splitting up.

We only have the OP's side of things to judge whether this was a one-off or not. But it sounds like it was and if so then I think if her DH can forgive her then I really think we should cut her some slack here. And yes I would think the same if the roles were reversed.

belgo · 23/01/2011 08:28

DeidreBarlow - throwing things at someone during an argument, whether it is a candlestick or a shoe, is not acceptable, and no, not everyone loses their temper to the extent that they behave like this.

The OP throw a candelstick at his head and draw blood. That should not be downplayed to 'everyone loses their temper sometimes'.

DeidreBarlow · 23/01/2011 08:38

My point is that if this is an isolated incident (and I know we are only taking the OP word for that here but given that her DH forgave her so easily) I don't think its necessary for them to spilt up or seek anger management. I also know that not everyone loses their temper in this way. But, regretfully I have. It was a one off and I have never done it since. I did not need to seek counselling or divorce DH,

It was totally wrong of her (and me) to react like that but yes people do losetheir temper, even over trivial things like where to go for lunch.

Lamorna · 23/01/2011 08:39

I would leave DH if he showed violence and I don't see that it is any different if the woman is the one being violent. I would give the benefit of the doubt once, but not a second time. There is no excuse for violence. Of course people lose their tempers but, as adults, they keep control. If you can't do this yet, there are anger management courses.

belgo · 23/01/2011 08:41

It's great that for you DB it really was a one off. But as another poster points out, the first time really is a 'one of'.

Whether she splits up with her dh over this is really is for her dh to decide.

The most important thing for the OP to do is to ensure that it ever happens again, tath it really is a one off, and if I were her dh, I would insist on anger management as an absolute minimum.

DeidreBarlow · 23/01/2011 08:48

I totally agree belgo; all first times are a one-off and yes it is her DH's decision where they go from here and if had chosen to walk out the door then she would have had to deal with that.

I suppose on time will tell if it was 'a one-off'. While I still don't think she necessarily needs anger management she certainly needs to think what 'thing' tipped her over to the edge to actually reach for the candlestick.

givemesomespace · 23/01/2011 08:57

Unadulterated hypocrisy:

I threw something in the heat of an argument at my ex and drew blood.......I reacted so badly to being unheard, yet again

No doubt people will now think of me as an abuser but I do not believe I am

Hopefully we are proof that something like this can be a one off thing

But sometimes people just crack, for silly reasons, and it really doesn't mean that they are abusive or will ever do it again.

doesnt deserve to be labelled as an abuser are a) her immediate remorse and distress at what she did and b) the lack of attempts to justify her own behaviour.

OP, I hit/slapped DP across the face 15 years ago in the middle of an argument, we'd both had too much to drink

I too slapped DH on the night of our engagement party after too much to drink and in the middle of a huge row, I just flipped...... One offs can happen

Just a small sample of the tripe that has been written here.

Physical abuse is PHYSICAL ABUSE. If you have abused, you are an ABUSER. I agree completely that people's actions after the event will show whether or not they are remorseful and whether or not they become serial abusers, but to pretend that it is not abuse perpetrated by an abuser is pure fantasy

Anniegetyourgun · 23/01/2011 08:58

Did anyone else find GreenAmy's contribution (at 00:04:05) rather disturbing?

Mymblesson · 23/01/2011 09:02

I've been brooding about this one.

If my wife had done this to me and it was the first time, I think I'd have forgiven her. I'd also try to work out what had triggered it and whether these were some issues of which I was unaware and whether perhaps I was inadvertently the cause of them or not.

It would certainly require a lot of talking through, though , not least because throwing something heavy like a candelstick is in many ways worse than a punch in the arm or chest because the damage it can do is unpredictable and potentially very serious.

One more incident, though and it'd be time to walk away permanently.

swallowedAfly · 23/01/2011 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

belgo · 23/01/2011 09:09

Yes GreenArmy's post is very disturbing in that she seems to think violence is normal and using medical and police resources to do something about that violence is a 'waste of resources'. Very sad that some people lead lives where giving bruises to the people you supposedly love is seen as normal.

ManateeEquineOhara · 23/01/2011 09:12

Ignore the person who said don't speak to your GP about this. Yes it will be on your record forever, but it happened - why shouldn't it be? If you went to your GP and talked openly about it, acknowledging it as a problem, it should not be something to be concerned about on your record, which is of course confidential anyway.

I have to say I think he should have left you. You sound remorseful but so do most abusers. If you DON'T get help and plenty of it for your awful behaviour then I really hope he does leave you asap.

ManateeEquineOhara · 23/01/2011 09:13

And GreenAmy is surely a troll?

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