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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I have just hit my DH

271 replies

OhHelpMePlease · 22/01/2011 17:41

So we were arguing about going to his parents house tomorrow and i just flipped and threw the candle stick at him. It hit his head and there was a little blood.

He didnt say anything and just went upstairs for 30mins. He has now walked out and is not anwering his phone.

Have i lost him? I havent got a clue on why i reacted that way.

Will he leave me?

OP posts:
Snorbs · 23/01/2011 19:38

UA, I never hit my abusive and occasionally violent ex. Never threw anything at her, never threatened her, never punched the walls or any other display of violence.

Once the relationship was obviously over I did tell her some home truths and I didn't mince my words. And on another occasion, after we'd split and just after I'd found out she'd made some grotesque false allegations against me I did call her a few choice names. But even then I didn't come anywhere close to as being verbally abusive as she routinely was to me.

I never hit her back because that was one of the last shreds of dignity I still had left and I clung to it.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 23/01/2011 19:40

Did you have children with her Snorbs?

UnlikelyAmazonian · 23/01/2011 19:41

Do you not did you

proudnscaryvirginmary · 23/01/2011 20:58

What's my agenda anyfucker? I'm interested in your answer because I am 100% sure I don't have one. Whereas you know you do have one. Hence your response.

You are right that I wasn't necessarily posting to help OP. I posted out of utter frustration and despair at you and your fans who dish out terribly dangerous/arrogant/ self indulgent advice based on, well, pretty much feck all. Usually one post.

I would expand but I am on my iPhone so it would take me all night.

AbsentFather · 23/01/2011 21:05

Has anybody who has been in a long-term physical or emotionally abusive relationship never, ever hit back once or thrown something or lashed out verbally at their abuser?

I picked my wife up as she was hitting me and removed her from the house. She had no keys so for a brief while I was spared the beating.

At the time we were 5 minutes from my parents so she phoned them up and they came straight around accusing me of upsetting her.

I then showed them the bite marks and bruises all over my chest. Neither my mother, my father or even I thought to call the police or end the marriage. We all just went on the idea that I was a man and therefore big enough to take the abuse.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 23/01/2011 21:10

Bollocks. I don't believe you. get off this forum. Go back to FFJ

Snorbs · 23/01/2011 21:23

UA, yes I have two children and she's their mother. Why do you ask?

AnyFucker · 23/01/2011 21:34

me and "my fans" proud ?

what are you talking about ?

you already admitted you posted with no respect to the OP

so why did you post ?

to slag people off ?

GreenAmy · 23/01/2011 23:03

TimeForACHEEKYWine

GreenAmy
If you think ringing the police for DV cases is a 'waste of resources' then darling you need help,

Was trying to make a point, I guess it did not come across the way I meant it

wantstostayanon · 24/01/2011 10:33

I am a fairly regular poster, but have namechanged. I am shocked, almost appaled, at how many people think it is excusable for a woman to throw something at her partner and will blame hormones, depression etc. Violence in any relationship, is unacceptable and certainly not normal behaviour - whether it be a male or female perpetrator. I do genuinely believe that, had the OP been male, many of the responses would have been completely different.

OP - I am glad you and your DH are working to resolve this. Please go see your GP and see if they can recommend any counselling to discuss what happened. If they are unable to help, please see if you can find any counselling services yourself as I really feel you need help to address what happened. In a loving relationship, violence is wrong. This is harsh, but needs said - what you did to your DH was assault and he had every right to call the police. Whether or not you would have been charged isn't for me to say, but I do believe you could have been looking at a conviction for common assault. I can see you were immediately apologetic and remorseful for what happened, but 'sorrys' aren't enough, you need to actively seek help and ensure this does not happen again. Please also reconsider trying for a child, it is a really bad idea to bring a child into this relationship, without resolving what happened on Saturday.

I come at this from a certain angle. I was assaulted by my DH last year - he was completely blind drunk and vomiting everywhere, as I tried to help him he hit me. I got him out of the house and called the police. He was charged and convicted of common assault and was sentenced to 24mth community order and must attend DV course. He sees a probation officer regularly and will do for the duration of his sentence. After the incident, we separated for some time, but we are now trying to work through things. We do love eachother, he had never, ever been violent or abusive in the past and is not usually a big drinker (he has been teetotal since the incident). He is full of sorrow and remorse and immediately sought help from his GP and a counsellor. There were circumstances which led to the incident which will have 'stressed' him out - we were struggling to keep hold of our home and were at risk of being repossessed, we had other money trouble and DH had just lost his job, through no fault of his own. BUT all of this doesn't excuse or justify what he did - what happened was WRONG and nothing justifies acting in a violent/ abusive manner to someone you love.

To any women, or men on this thread - vintageteacups springs to mind - that have thrown something at their partners, or slapped them, hit them or are abusive in any way - be it emotionally, physically or any other way - PLEASE, PLEASE SEEK HELP for your problems and realise that what you are doing is wrong. Can you imagine how you would feel if, in years to come, your children are experiencing this? Would you worry that it has been their exposure to this from your actions that have led them to believe this is acceptable behaviour? I have seen, first hand, how it can devastate families and I urge you to change your ways for you, your partners and, most importantly, any children you may have.

wantstostayanon · 24/01/2011 10:43

so shocked I cannot even spell appalled

To add, DH was actually diagnosed with clinical depression after the incident - primarily because of the circumstances which were unfolding before the event and not as a result of the incident. I will reiterate - this does not excuse or justify what he did and there is never an excuse for being violent or abusive, whether it is the first time or not. Once it has happened, even 'just' once, you must seek help and ensure it never happens again.

Wishing you all the best OP - I really hope you can work through things and get help to ensure this incident is the one and only violcent or abusive incident in your relationship.

vintageteacups · 24/01/2011 10:48

"Please also reconsider trying for a child, it is a really bad idea to bring a child into this relationship, without resolving what happened on Saturday."

I think it's really mean of a complete stranger to tell someone to reconsider trying for a baby.
Yes, your DH abused you wanttostayanon
but it's not kind to imply OP shouldn't try for a baby.

I keep trying to not post any more comments on this thread but I simply cannot believe what some people are writing!

Do you go around telling pregnant women who smoke, they shouldn't be having a baby????

wantstostayanon · 24/01/2011 11:00

I think the point you are missing is, yes my DH abused me - BUT the OP abused her DH and you have also been abusive to your DH! What I said is they should reconsider TTC UNTIL they have addressed this incident and I would suggest that is perfectly acceptable advice. Yes, this incident may be a one-off, but until the OP and her DH and talked through this and sought what help they need, then they haven't addressed the issue.

To be honest, I don't even know why I am trying to justify my advice to you. Your post implied that your abusive behaviour was more acceptable than a mans because you were hormonal. Oh, give me a break - you were abusive TWICE in your relationship and there is no excuse or justification - end of story!

belgo · 24/01/2011 11:03

Perfectly sensible advice to say not to try for a baby until these serious problems have been resolved.

I don't think anyone has said that the OP should NEVER become a mother, but that she should sort herself out first.

vintageteacups · 24/01/2011 11:08

No, I was not absuive to my DH (as he agreed last night when I asked him if he thought that).

I also think that no matter how it was supposed to sound, that telling the OP to reconsider having a baby (until she sorted herself out) was still overstepping the mark.

wantstostayanon · 24/01/2011 11:18

You threw something at your DH, that IS abusive, whether you care to admit it or not! Incidentally, the Probation Trust defines throwing things in anger - whether it be at someone or not as a form of abuse. If you intend to hit the other person, it is defined as physical abuse, otherwise it is defined as mental abuse, because it is threatening and intimidating to the other person(s) involved.

vintageteacups · 24/01/2011 11:28

whatever Smile

swallowedAfly · 24/01/2011 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

vintageteacups · 24/01/2011 11:51

I'm so glad you posted that swallowedafly. It is so true.

I was thinking that imagine you were gardening and one partner lobbed some sloppy mud at the other for a joke and it actually went into their eye and caused it to become infected and swollen. Then,although that wasn't intended 'abuse', it would physically hurt the other more than say, for example, me throwing a tub of cream at the wall next to DH. Yes, I know the intention wouldn't be the same but the outcome would actually be worse.

So what I'm trying to say is that swallow has hit the nail on the head. Not all one off events are abusive in intent and shouldn't all be painted with the same brush.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/01/2011 12:12

vintage how come you say that wantstostays DH was abusive on that one occasion he struck her but that you were not abusive on the two times you did to your DH?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/01/2011 12:15

"So what I'm trying to say is that swallow has hit the nail on the head. Not all one off events are abusive in intent "

but yours were. you intended to hurt your DH.

vintageteacups · 24/01/2011 12:21

No I didn't intend to hurt him. I threw the clock down the stairs, when he was standing at the bottom (I didn't once think I want to throw this at him to hit him) and when I threw the tub of cream towards him, it was me thinking, "oh go away", not that it woudl hit and hurt him.

That's it now - no more comments from me - neither items touched my husband.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/01/2011 12:27

when you threw the cream at him to get him to "go away" you intended to hurt him to make him go away, otherwise it would have pointless to throw it at him for that reason. it was a warning to your DH to tell him to stop whatever behaviour he was doing that you didn't like. the fact that it didn't touch him was just luck that you are a bad aim. you intended for it to hit him.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/01/2011 12:28

and why was wantstostay's DH abusive while you were not?

vintageteacups · 24/01/2011 12:34

I was just repeating what she had said - although now rereading, she said he assaulted her, not abused her. However, further down, she did say he 'abused' her.