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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just hit my DH

271 replies

OhHelpMePlease · 22/01/2011 17:41

So we were arguing about going to his parents house tomorrow and i just flipped and threw the candle stick at him. It hit his head and there was a little blood.

He didnt say anything and just went upstairs for 30mins. He has now walked out and is not anwering his phone.

Have i lost him? I havent got a clue on why i reacted that way.

Will he leave me?

OP posts:
AllSheepareWhite · 22/01/2011 19:22

OhHelp - Having read the last few pages I have to say I agree with the posters who have said that if you were the victim, this would be a case of get your stuff and leave. Even if you are lucky enough to have a husband who forgives such an act, you must seek help. If you are so stressed after only 4 months of TTC to physically hurt him how were you ever going to cope with a newborn? If you agree to work it out I would suggest you put TTC on the back burner for a while and focus on getting help for your anger issues and trying to build back the trust between you. This is no time to consider bringing a child into the equation.

Junction3 · 22/01/2011 19:27

I just wonder if this is really because you're stressed about ttc. Do you feel heard by him? The "he wouldn't let me finish my sentence" struck a chord with me. Xp, who was abusive, had a habit of not letting me finish sentences, talking over me, walking away while I was trying to discuss things.

Yes, what you've done is quite clearly not ok, it's just that I can relate to feeling really wound up during an argument and looking back it wasn't about the argument per se, but more about how xp made me feel like my opinions didn't matter.

perfumedlife · 22/01/2011 19:50

OP I threw something in the heat of an argument at my ex and drew blood. In fact, he needed stitches. To my eternal shame. He flinched when I went to help him. Sad

That was the end for us, but we had been clinging on to a broken thing for way too long. I reacted so badly to being unheard, yet again. Your situ is different.

But I do wonder where the anger came from with you. It doesn't usually come from nowhere. Now is the time to dig and find the possible issues you both have, before you have children. Do you feel he puts his needs/family/friends before yours? Is there some other issue leading to you feeling not heard?

EricNorthmansMistress · 22/01/2011 21:06

Just to add my twopennorth. I assaulted my husband once. I had been drinking and he had been awful to me constantly for a month, ds was still small and I had spent a dreadful couple of months with him in his country with a small baby, nothing to do and had contracted terrible flu at the end, for which he was not sympathetic. Basically we had had a pretty awful 3 months down to his behaviour and I was exhausted. He was verbally horrible again and I flipped. I'm not proud and I wish I had not stooped so low, i'm ashamed of it and I know it affected him. He has reacted to me shouting a couple of times as if he thinks he needs to defend himself against me :(. I didn't hurt him but I wanted to. No doubt people will now think of me as an abuser but I do not believe I am. Obviously I know i'm capable of that now which I did not know before and that means it is not likely to happen again. This was a long time ago and I have not felt anything like that even when furious with him. If you acknowledge how awful it was and take steps to make sure it never happens again, and reassure him it will not, you can move forward from this.

RamonaFlowers · 22/01/2011 21:14

I think that's helpful to share Eric's Missus. I think there are a few of us on this thread with a similar experience. Hopefully we are proof that something like this can be a one off thing, deeply regretted, and never repeated. It should hopefully give the OP something to measure other responses against. Not that I don't understand the other responses.

Original poster
OhHelpMePlease · 22/01/2011 21:22

We have had a good talk and I have just taken time to let you know how it went.

We had a good hug for a few minutes and there were tears from both of us. I spoke first and apologised for hitting him and acknowledged that i could have caused him a serious injury. I told him that I am trying to figure out why I reacted the way I did and told him that I am willing to get help. I told him that I loved him and that I want us to be together.

He said that, the thought of us breaking up, separating or divorcing had never crossed his mind. He said he loved me and that he wants us to be together till death.

He admitted that he was shocked at my reaction and is worried. He said that he wanted us to go to his parents house tomorrow because he has a surprise for me there. He feels bad that he may have gone too far in trying to convince me to cancel our friends appt. It turns out that he has bought me a new car.

I feel bad that he feels responsible and i have explained to him that this is not the case. I feel like i dont deserve him - the car is a complete surprise.

We have made up but i am still going to go to the GP on Monday. He wants us to keep trying to have a baby.

Thank you to everyone for your honesty and your kind suggestions. I realise that i have been lucky today and that he has forgiven me.

Thank you

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 22/01/2011 21:31

Oh what a relief for you. Glad you are still going to the GP,it can't do any harm to talk this over with the doctor.

RamonaFlowers · 22/01/2011 21:35

OP I have just cried a little bit.

I just think there are so many truly dysfunctional relationships that laid out on these boards for help, discussion, and dissection.

And you did this one completely crazy thing, which you acknowledge and will see your GP about. But bottom line, you clearly have a DH who loves you very much, and visa versa.

I'm happy this is resolved tonight. Don't underestimate the work you need to do to restore trust. You now have a very special obligation to always keep your temper under control. That means raising voices and slamming doors too - all of which could trigger the memory and cause your DH to wonder if it might happen again.

I know, I've been there. But I've never been back. No reason you will either. Smile

CoffeeDodger · 22/01/2011 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RamonaFlowers · 22/01/2011 21:38

My post didn't make much sense. I meant, so many truly f'ed up relationships get discussed on these boards, but that to me, yours clearly isn't, despite the incident that caused you to post.

droves · 22/01/2011 21:40

What a lovely bloke , you are so lucky to have him come back and talk it out.

He must really , really love you.

Some other men would have got violent in retaliation.

Do go to the gp and get yourself sorted , id give yourself a couple of months break from trying to get pg .
Its a stress you just dont need at the moment.
I hope it all works out for you .

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 22/01/2011 21:47

Lovely :)

You both sound really happy & in love.

Of course for your own peace of mind and his you need to work out how you got where you did. Not that it's an excuse, but it really does sound like he wasn't listening to you.

You should go to his parents for breakfast and take your lovely new car to your friends for lunch :)

Have a lovely day and hopefully the car will remind you both how much you love each other and how important communication is Wink

AnnieLobeseder · 22/01/2011 21:49

I'm pleased it worked out OK for you, OP. And a new car too! I bet that's not helping your guilt, huh? Smile

I do get worried at the 'leave at once!' brigade on here whenever someone posts that there has been a sudden, completely unexpected violent episode in a relationship.

Sure there are some cases where they're right, when the is also a general lack of respect or emotional abuse in a relationship.

But sometimes people just crack, for silly reasons, and it really doesn't mean that they are abusive or will ever do it again.

I don't expect my DH to ever hit me. But I have long put my plan in place that were he ever yo hit me, I would let it slide once, while letting everyone know exactly what happened. But once would be my absolute limit. No second chances.

I think it's a good idea to talk to your GP. Hey, maybe you're pg and it was the hormones!

maltesers · 22/01/2011 21:54

You sound very wound up and stressed. This is the kind of thing my Ex used to do to me and in the end after 5 or 6 incidents like this i left him. It broke my heart but he deserved it.
I hope you can sort things out and get a grip and learn to control what sounds like a bad temper.

You have let him down and he doesnt deserve it. You have betrayed his trust.

Apologies are in order and promises of never EVER doing it again.
Good luck !

RamonaFlowers · 22/01/2011 22:02

Maybe read the whole thread next time maltesers? Smile

DingDongMerrilyAsCheese · 22/01/2011 22:17

Ohhelp

I'm so pleased he came back and you did talk.

Just like a silly arse man to have gone and arranged a surprise and forgotten you'd already committed to something else, I can almost see the whole thing unfolding and you getting more and more frustrated that he was being uncharacteristically stubborn about it....

But still, enjoy the car and drive it like Chippingin said, remembering how important the question 'why?' can be in a relationship.

Good luck to both of you, life isn't straightforward.

maltesers · 22/01/2011 22:34

Ok RamonaFlowersssssss

StuffingGoldBrass · 22/01/2011 22:50

I think the key things here that mean the OP doesnt deserve to be labelled as an abuser are a) her immediate remorse and distress at what she did and b) the lack of attempts to justify her own behaviour.
It's not great to throw things at people. But lashing out in anger once is not the same as systematic abuse by someone who has convinced him/herself that his/her partner needs to be controlled and that it's OK to hit a partner when s/he displeases you.

reelingintheyears · 22/01/2011 23:08

SGB.....yep.

TimeForACHEEKYWine · 22/01/2011 23:46

Ohhh so pleased for you.

A new car - WOW Grin

Just give him many many kisses and cuddles :) :)

blackeyedsusan · 22/01/2011 23:50

I would say you are very lucky. you could have been charged by the police for assault / abh if it was bad. (I know someone who was before any one says I am over reacting)

I would advise you to stop ttc and work out why you over reacted and go and get outside help, relate/ gp whatever. You need to make sure it doesn't happen again and that will be easier if you have help. It may also make your dp feel better.

GreenAmy · 23/01/2011 00:04

Not read all the responses here but for heaven's sake, there is a difference between a violent person and loosing your temper in a row.

I have been slapped by my husband in the past and last time we had an argument he got hold of my arm and swung me around knocking me off my feet (I was wearing high heels), although because he was holding me I did not fall, I had bruises on my arm.

I have thrown things at him, some hit him, mostly they missed, I have punched him too, but then I play punched him all the time.

An hour later we be best friends again

Took my DD2 to A+E the other day as she fell off a horse, in came a woman with a police officer with a very slight bruise on her face, apparently he slapped her

What a waste of resources!

GrimbleFreud · 23/01/2011 00:08

OP, I hit/slapped DP across the face 15 years ago in the middle of an argument, we'd both had too much to drink.

I was (pretty much immediately) deeply ashamed and rather frightened. I'd never done anything like it before and I have never, ever done anything like it since. We have a great relationship.

One-offs do occur.

babybear1983 · 23/01/2011 00:13

I agree GrimbleFreud, I too slapped DH on the night of our engagement party after too much to drink and in the middle of a huge row, I just flipped.I felt awful and deeply ashamed that I had resorted to violence.
We are now happily married and have been for 5 years, we have a great relationship.
One offs can happen, work on making your relationship as great as you possibly can and dont look back.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2011 00:15

Glad you are working it out

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