I have just hit my DH

[OhHelpMePlease]

So we were arguing about going to his parents house tomorrow and i just flipped and threw the candle stick at him. It hit his head and there was a little blood.

He didnt say anything and just went upstairs for 30mins. He has now walked out and is not anwering his phone.

Have i lost him? I havent got a clue on why i reacted that way.

Will he leave me?

Actually I wanted to avoid using the word abuse or abusive and you will see my first post does just that. Vintage stated 'Yes, your DH abused you wanttostayanon' and the point I was trying to get across was, if she defines what happened to me as abusive then, by her definition, she and the OP were abusive to their DH's.

I wanted to avoid using the word abuse or abusive, in much the same way I don't like using the word victim. I don't want to be labelled as either a victim of DV or a victim of abuse - especially when what happened to me was a one-off and I know of people who are suffering sustained and systematic abuse within their home. But, the law doesn't define abuse as systematic or sustained, abuse can also be a one off incident. I don't think it helps to start using terms such as 'real abuse' and defining it by people who are subjected to systematic abuse - by that definition someone who murders just the once cannot possibly be a murderer?! I completely agree that there are many men and women who are going through much worse than what I did, the OP's husband did and what Vintage's husband did, but that does not mean that they are not legally defined as abuse or abusive incidents.

I honestly should hide these threads. I was trying to get the OP to understand the severity of what had happened and to seek help, to ensure her and her DH can move forward from this incident without it causing problems in the future. Good luck OP - I really hope that everything works out, you obviously do love eachother very much. I wasn't suggesting for one moment that you shouldn't have children, but from my experience it would be beneficial to you and your relationship if you both work through this before doing so. I showed DH this thread and he has said you will feel very low for some time, but keep talking together and seek help and you will both be fine.

Actually being a bit dim, I did describe it as an 'abusive incident' in my first post on the second to last and last paragraph. Will teach me to try and sort out a toddler and type at the same time!

i once tried to strangle my husband

i was exhausted and he was being a selfish arse

before i knew it my hands were around his throat

i don't know who was more surprised

he realised how bad things had become and what a twat he was being
i was mortified and very apologetic

i have never previously or since then been violent nor he to me
I didn't seek help and nor did he

When i was pregnant, i threw a bottle at my babys dad and it hit him in the head.

Before or after that i never hit him, he used to hit me and then i snapped an threw a bottle.

If i wernt pregnant an my hormones wernt every were then i wouldnt of done that as i am not a violent person.

Your partner may just need some space from you for a few hours, dont keep ringing him. Apoligise when he comes home.

Next time you feel angry like you want to throw something at him just walk away into another room so you can calm down.

I hope you and he do sort things out 6 years is alot of time to just throw away over a stupid argument.

proudnscaryvirginmary

"Many posters on here shouting 'You abuser! He should leave you! You will do it again!' have an agenda - ie they are the posters who always tell women to leave their 'abusive' husbands after the scantest information in one original post. So they have to be seen to do the same when a woman posts.

I think either reaction is appalling and unhelpful and ridiculous because it does not take in to account individuals and individual situations.

Some on here have got locked in to their MN personas and have become two dimensional spouters of repetitive garbage no matter what an OP actually presents."
,
Could not agree more with this post. Some of the more prolific posters almost seem to have let Mumsnet consume their whole identity, I do think they like the adulation they get. It's like a loss of touch with reality "Mumsnet psychosis" .

swallowedAfly I agree with your previous points on page 10 and you put it so much better then I did trying to say the same thing

However the brain physiology post is generalizing, many men are not larger then women, some are smaller.

As a child I lived next door to a couple whose husband was tiny compared to her and she beat him regularly then boasted about it

Size does not matter either, I have a friend who if she does not get her way takes their children and leaves him until he gives in

Women come on here all the time saying they have smacked their children in a fit of temper and no one says drop them off at the local ss offices and they seem to get a fair bit of sympathy and empathy.Whats the difference here?I for one think hitting children is a lot worse

no noddy, but they are told to make sure they never do it again and if that means parenting classes or anger management then so be it.

I think noddy has a point about when people say they have smacked their children...a lot of people empathise with the situation. In most cases its a one-off the children have been acting up and the parent driven to breaking point. No-one demands the parent attends anger management (well some may but most don't)

That is what happened to the OP here I believe. She lost her temper and threw something in a fit of temper at her DH. He has chosen to forgive her and move on. I genuinely believe she feels bad enough about this incident without everyone shouting ABUSER at her.

I think saf makes a lot of sense. I would see it as an assault, rather than abuse.

I have been in an abusive relationship, there were a incidents of violence, but it was the mind games, the fear of violence and emotional abuse that meant I began to believe it was my fault and so stayed in the relationship, trying to make it better. Of course you can't.

This one off incident, whilst serious and unacceptable, is not the same thing.

I have also thrown something at my husband, once. Foruntately, it was only an empty sports bag, which he caught and no damage was done. The point is however, that I'd lost control and reacted in a manner totally unlike me. We were both shocked by what happened and discussed it in great depth.

We talked and talked and talked. We actually learnt how to communicate a whole lot better than we ever had before. That helps a great deal in avoiding ever getting to that point again.

If we do row, that incident immediately comes back into my mind and is a warning sign. I have found many ways of now diffusing my anger and frustration, even if it's just leaving the room.

At the time this happened, I was recovering from a ECS, with a tiny baby and just all kinds of minor health problems. It's not an excuse, it was about understanding that certain circumstances are capable of making me behave in such an outrageous way. I never knew that about myself before.

saf, that makes sense. Although I wasn't physically trapped, I felt trapped. That what my overwhelming feeling at the time, like being suffocated. It was emotional rather than physical.

I'm really not making any excuses for what I did. It does still horrify me that I lost control like that, I'm very fortunate in that no actual physical harm was done.

sweetchecks When i was pregnant, i threw a bottle at my babys dad and it hit him in the head.

.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.