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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just hit my DH

271 replies

OhHelpMePlease · 22/01/2011 17:41

So we were arguing about going to his parents house tomorrow and i just flipped and threw the candle stick at him. It hit his head and there was a little blood.

He didnt say anything and just went upstairs for 30mins. He has now walked out and is not anwering his phone.

Have i lost him? I havent got a clue on why i reacted that way.

Will he leave me?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/01/2011 18:37

I didn't imply you were lying, chip

I said I didn't believe it

in this context, there is a difference

we will never know, because this isn't a bloke posting, it's a woman

and in my opinion she is getting more understanding than a bloke would be afforded

I don't have a problem with that, tbh

I pretty much always fall down on the side of the woman, as my posts will attest to

but she has been very, very wrong here

swallowedAfly · 22/01/2011 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DingDongMerrilyAsCheese · 22/01/2011 18:38

No love, you need to stay calm at the moment, it's very very important that you don't panic, because that adrenaline is what got here in the first place.

We need to talk means, we need to talk.

You need to say sorry

You need to listen to what he has to say and answer his questions.

tinkerbell41 · 22/01/2011 18:38

say sorry,show him how wrong you know you are by going to gp asap and talking it over....you sure you not already pregnant??maybe suggest a safety word both of you can use if things get heated again-you know a completey random word one or other of you can say if you feel yourself getting out of control again....

i believe a mistake is only a mistake if you dont learn from it...you need to learn from this and never ever ever do this again...

really hope it all settles down and you get to talk this out...

PigTail · 22/01/2011 18:39

No, he's not leaving you.

He's coming home to talk about it.

Hell, you must really not want to go to his parents, but hey; talk to him, acknowledge you were out of order. Agree it will never happen again.

FinneganBeginAgain · 22/01/2011 18:40

Of course he thinks you need to talk OP. You just chucked a candlestick off his head. It does not mean he is leaving. It means what he said. He wants to talk and will be back by 7. You've a little time to think about what you want to say to him before he gets back.

Northernlurker · 22/01/2011 18:40

He's right you do need to talk. Talking means listening to btw - you need to really hear what he says and he should extend the same to you.

I think there's a good chance he wants to stop trying for a few months. If my partner threw a candlestick at me having a baby definately wouldn't seem like a great idea. So think about that.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 22/01/2011 18:40

tbh he probably doesn't even know himself if he is leaving or not. he probably wants to hear from you what happened to cause that. he will want assurances from you that it will never happen again.

ChickensFlyingUnderTheRadar · 22/01/2011 18:41

Agree totally with Northern.

RamonaFlowers · 22/01/2011 18:41

OP I don't think your DH is going to leave you over this, but what you do next is very important.

I have never thrown anything at my DH, but once, 10 years ago, I punched him in the chest in a blind rage as hard as I could. He had torn apart verbally I had put my heart and soul into and I couldn't make him see with words (I thought) how much he had hurt me.

To see the look on his face made my world fall apart. I knew I had (thought I had) broken the most precious thing in the world to me. I knew it was no different than if he had done the same to me.

I worked very hard from that day on to never even make him flinch or imagine that I would or could EVER do the same again. But the scar is still there to a degree I think, because if we row, and he leaves the room and I say "come back here" or whatever, he sometimes, SOMETIMES, throws it back in my face, as he has every right to do "Why, so you can hit me?"

We got through it and beyond it, but I will always regret that I can never take it back.

PM me if you want. I don't want to go into more detail on this thread.

AnyFucker · 22/01/2011 18:41

bashing her to death ?

who is exaggerating now...

I think she is actually getting support on this thread

especially since she now keeps posting "omg, he's going to leave me isn't he " and people are reassuring her that he probably isn't

if this was a bloke he would be accused of trying to garner sympathy Hmm

twinmummystarz · 22/01/2011 18:41

It sounds like you are having a really stressful time. Apart from asking him to forgive you, I'd suggest you be gentle with yourself.

We all have a shadow side and something in your pattern of communication is making it hard for you to be heard or feel you are expressing yourself properly.

Definitely kiss and make up and promise yourself you won't do it again (but also do spend the time figuring out what was going on; either by talking to someone you trust your GP or the samaritans or by reading some books about anger management there are lots on Amazon (and the one with the black and white cover and cat on it is v good) 'When Anger Helps and When It Hurts' I think it's called...

Heaps of people struggle with anger; it's just usually men who translate it into violence. For you to do it as a woman is provoking a v strong response here for everyone because it's stigmatised.

You're not alone; it's just not often talked about.

Your husband responded with a great deal of dignity. Now it's your turn. Hope it is all ok for you Bear

RamonaFlowers · 22/01/2011 18:42

torn apart *something

Lizzylou · 22/01/2011 18:43

In my relationship it would be me who would be more likely to throw something/smash a plate in anger etc, not DH.
I am impetuous and have a horrid temper.
Arguing with placid, always calm and occasionally pompous DH is infuriating, I can quite easily see how OP lost it.
Op, you have to look at why you snapped, as I am a short tempered person by nature I have to watch myself to avoid snapping.
I have found that since having kids and being the wrong side of 30 my anger has become far more controllable.

Hope all goes OK at 7pm Smile

RamonaFlowers · 22/01/2011 18:44

That was a good post twinmummy.

Original poster
OhHelpMePlease · 22/01/2011 18:44

thank u, i am embarrased to call my mum or even my best friend. you are all my friends and family at the moment and i appreciate your honesty

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 22/01/2011 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BradTittAndFlange · 22/01/2011 18:46

I would suggest that you not visit his family or your friend tomorrow, cancel them both and spend some time talking and then doing something nice together.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 22/01/2011 18:46

agree with SAF.

stay calm and listen to what he wants you to do. are you prepared to seek professionl help if that is what he wants you to do in order for him to stay?

IAmReallyFabNow · 22/01/2011 18:47

That text sounded more positive. You have to apologise and listen to anything he says.

LittleMissHissyFit · 22/01/2011 18:50

OHMP, whatever happens, it'll be OK.

If he stays we can help you work hard to gain his forgiveness. If he leaves we can help you learn and recover.

Good luck, hang in there.

countingto10 · 22/01/2011 18:50

OP, apologize, say you are as horrified by your behaviour as he is, you are going to seek immediate help (and do it) and see what he has to say.

I punched my DH 2 years ago, awful set of circumstances led to it, never violent before or since, and counsellor also told him it was a "one off" in response to a particular set of circumstances.

Relate might help to understand the dynanmics of the relationship IYSWIM.

Good luck - we all do things we regret Sad

Ohforfoxsake · 22/01/2011 18:58

Relate WILL help you if you want it. If nothing else, book in for a telephone counselling session for yourself.

Talk and grovel. I know you feel like shit and saw red, saw red over something which did not require this level of anger. You need to work out why you did it and never, ever do it again.

I dont think he'll leave yo, but you are going to have to give him huge reassurances.

Good luck, I truely hope he forgives you and you make it up.

Original poster
OhHelpMePlease · 22/01/2011 18:59

thank you so much for takin time to read and respond. he is coming up the drive.

i will let you know how we get on

thank you

OP posts:
FinneganBeginAgain · 22/01/2011 19:00

Best of luck

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