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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just hit my DH

271 replies

OhHelpMePlease · 22/01/2011 17:41

So we were arguing about going to his parents house tomorrow and i just flipped and threw the candle stick at him. It hit his head and there was a little blood.

He didnt say anything and just went upstairs for 30mins. He has now walked out and is not anwering his phone.

Have i lost him? I havent got a clue on why i reacted that way.

Will he leave me?

OP posts:
DingDongMerrilyAsCheese · 22/01/2011 18:26

What I and possibly others (?) meant about talking was for you to feel confidence in yourself rather than essentially 'get some therapy you're a danger to the public at large'.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 22/01/2011 18:27

ok if it was my child i would be getting teh help for them but it would not jsut tolerate it and let it continue without trying to get help. do you see the point i am making?

AnyFucker · 22/01/2011 18:27

no, I think the text leaves it open

over to you, OP .............

IAmReallyFabNow · 22/01/2011 18:27

Vintage Hmm. I am entitled to post what I think.

Original poster
OhHelpMePlease · 22/01/2011 18:28

i know what i did was so wrong and i cant work out why i did that. Although we are TTC, we are laid back about the situation and have given ourselves a year before worrying - this doesnt stop us testing every month though. i really dont want to give TTC as an excuse.

our jobs are fine so its not really work stress

i really just flipped and i dont want to lose the love of my life over this. i am only 27 and DH is 30 and tbh, our relationship has been fine

i dont know what to do

OP posts:
jobhuntersrus · 22/01/2011 18:28

if you haven't already text him back to say how deeply sorry you are. It is impossible for people to judge the future of your relationship, we know nothing about you both. Hoping he will contact you and you can talk.

LoveMyGirls · 22/01/2011 18:29

Apologise and never ever ever do it again.

If you do ever do it again -

Expect your dh to flinch when you come towards him or try to touch him
To keep things to himself to save having it out with you
He may try to walk on egg shells around you incase he upsets you and eventually he will get tired of this and would probably leave

Having been abused I don't think from the sound of it that you are abusive, if you were I very much doubt you would have posted about it on here.

I would be devastated if my actions caused my dh to react in the ways I have described above. You both love each so you need to treat each how you expect to be treated but I'm sure you know this already.

Try to think of a plan for the next time you row and you feel out of control for example can you walk away before it gets too heated adn then try again later? Write notes to each other instead of talking?

BradTittAndFlange · 22/01/2011 18:29

Why did you not want to visit his parents?

vintageteacups · 22/01/2011 18:29

it was a tub of moisturiser for god's sake!

Yes - slightly more worrying the fact that OP lobbed a candlestick and no excuse.

No - I'm not answering your questions because having posted on here originally to help OP, you have said I abused my DH - even HE would never have agree with you.

I am not saying it was fine for me to throw the clock and the moisturiser (12 yrs ago and 9 yrs ago), but I'm saying that OP's case is not clear cut.

swallowedAfly · 22/01/2011 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PigTail · 22/01/2011 18:30

Oh, and once, just once DH pushed me. Hard. So I fell over backwards.

Once in 13 years of marriage. We had 3 DC, and I had PND (then undiagnosed) he had financial problems (that I didn't fully realise).

None of that makes any difference. The point is it was once. Never before. Never since. Thank heavens I didn't leave him.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 22/01/2011 18:31

get help OP. that is what you do. tell him you are ringing teh gP on monday and do it. ask him to come with you if that is what he wants. please dont write this off as a blip in your relationship. sort it out now. dont leave it to chance that it wont happen again. you didn't know it was going to happen this time, you wont know the next time unless you get help to show you how to control your anger.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 22/01/2011 18:31

The text, to me, says 'Was going to my parents really worth this much of an arguement' it does not indicate he's leaving. He will be back in a while and you can have a good talk and a lot of hugging. Clearly there are issues around him not listening to you, which will also need to be discussed.

Anyfucker - please don't imply I am lying. I would be saying exactly the same thing if it was a bloke posting here. She didn't hit him, she didn't intimidate him, she didn't scare him - she lost her temper and threw something which hit him. Yes it's wrong, but it was not the same as doing the other things and if a bloke was posting this my reply would be exactly the same as it is now.

beachyhead · 22/01/2011 18:32

Just text back

I am so sorry. Please come home.

Original poster
OhHelpMePlease · 22/01/2011 18:32

i get on well with his parents. he had forgoten that we were going to my friends house for lunch tomorrow and accepted an invitation from PIL. he wanted me to cancel our friends and go to his parents instead

such a trivial thing

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/01/2011 18:33

SAF....OP hasn't actually said that she has PND

she is finding no reason at all for acting as she did

that is kinda worrying

BradTittAndFlange · 22/01/2011 18:33

Does he do that a lot, forget things and organise other things, who normally wins him or you when this sort of thing happens?

AnyFucker · 22/01/2011 18:33

yes, very trivial

like I said, kinda worrying

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 22/01/2011 18:34

Brad - now is not the time.

Northernlurker · 22/01/2011 18:34

I think the text means he is really upset. Understandably. You do realise you could have killed him?

I think you need to apologise, never ever do this again, work on your temper. I think both of you need to think about what your mutual flare up points are and I suggest you bin the candlesticks because neither of you will ever get any pleasure from it.

If you do this again he should leave you.

And I would say that exactly that to a man asking the same. People make mistakes - if you learn from them that's all it was - a mistake, absolutely a one off and you're damn lucky to be forgiven. If you don't learn and keep hurting people then you are abusive.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 22/01/2011 18:35
blackcoffee · 22/01/2011 18:35

I think a man posting this would have got a greater degree of sympathy, ironically
the relationships board does seem quite unsympathetic to women, in general
he's hiding his phone? the affair is your fault for being such a gullible doormat
ad nauseam

Original poster
OhHelpMePlease · 22/01/2011 18:36

He has sent this text

'We need to talk, will be home by 7'

oh God, he is leaving isnt he?

OP posts:
NimpyWindowmash · 22/01/2011 18:36

It's not really that trivial. I could understand someone getting really angry about that. It doesn't make it ok, but all the same, it's out of order to expect OP to cancel on her friends.

BradTittAndFlange · 22/01/2011 18:37

It sounds like he went for a pint and a think, you do need to talk.