Hi, I think this is going to be a long one but I would really appreciate some advice, if anyone makes it that far!
dh and I have been together for 11 years, married for 6. We have 2 dcs, one pre-school and one school age. He has a best friend who he went to school with who we often hang out with, along with other mutual friends. This guy is also a v close friend of mine.
He got this new girlfriend a couple of years ago. She is a nice girl I think but kind of closed off and hard to get to know. She also acted in a weird, controlling and borderline abusive way to her partner, so for a long time my dh hated her, no-one else was massively keen either but we all tried to make an effort. ((For easiness' sake I'm gonna call dh's best friend C and his gf R)
Anyway, fast forward a bit and dh and her started to become friendlier. So friendly in fact that it seems people have begun to talk. The first I knew of it all was when dh told me (after I overheard a conversation between him and his best friend)that another friend, V had seen them kissing at a party in October, I must add that I was also at this party and saw nothing untoward. It turns out that it wasn't kissing, just possibly inappropriately intimate body-language.
So C has started to get the hump at the way dh and R have been behaving. They do stand and drink together and often will go on somewhere else alone after others have gone home. I'm not usually there as am looking after the dcs at home, dh goes out most friday nights til about 2-3am, nearly always with her. I know C feels uncomfortable and excluded but he hasn't talked to me about it.
dh says that C is being paranoid and unreasonable, and that there is nothing going on but that he likes R as a friend does not want to stop hanging out with her. I know they email eachother regularly while they're at work, and he texted her at like, 7.30 on Christmas morning, while the kids were in our room opening their presents (nice 
). I actually read the message later that day and it was all rather innocuous but still, 7.30 on Christmas morning!?!
Last week dh told me he was meeting R for a drink after work to talk about the situation with C. I wasn't keen tbh but he was obviously going to go anyway. He was gone about 3 hours, I don't know if C knows they met up.
Anyway, I have been feeling uneasy about this for a while and we have had a few arguments about it. One one occasion I asked how he would feel if I was out drinking all the time with another bloke and he said 'I'd ask myself why you wanted to spend so much time with someone else rather than with me' like implying it was my fault for being a crappy wife or something.
I asked him if he fancied her and he said no but he understands her and likes her a lot. Last night though I am sorry to say I looked at his phone while he was asleep. (I know, I know 
). I found an email conversation between them from yesterday where he says 'R - you're in my head a bit, I'm sorry it's not your fault. I know I'm being a twat. Maybe it's best if I stop coming out. If you don't know what I'm talking about then that's for the best'
She then replies something about them meeting up to 'talk' and they vaguely arrange to meet up this weekend. He also says something like 'I care about you and want to keep talking to you and listening to you' whatever that means.
So, it would appear that C was right, their friendship is crossing a line. What do i do about it though, I know it was wrong to look at his phone and he'll probably be really angry. I guess this is why you shouldn't look, even if you find something you can't legitimately say anything!
Also, I can't help feeling slightly responsible as over the last year dh told me a couple of times he wasn't happy with the way our relationship had become kind of functional, with no passion or excitement. He says I don't consider him, and it's true that I probably don't prioritise our relationship like I should, the dcs have always come first I guess.
I know this whole thing sounds really teenage but I promise it's genuine, and I am actually quite a mature 32 year old! dh and i are the first of our peer group to get married and have dcs, everyone else still goes out getting pissed and carrying on like we all did 10 years ago.
I think I'll wait and see what happens this weekend, I don't feel comfortable with them meeting up to discuss how she's 'in his head a bit'. Tbh that sounds like playing with fire! If he does meet her he might lie about it anyway and say he's meeting someone else. Or should I confess to looking and ask him about it? I mean, he hasn't actually done anything with her yet, is it acceptable to have crushes and feelings as long as you don't act on them?
Some perspective would be really helpful, right now I am so confused and I just feel sick and shaky. Thank you for reading.