dh and his best friends girlfriend - what shall I do?

[SJ32]

Hi, I think this is going to be a long one but I would really appreciate some advice, if anyone makes it that far!

dh and I have been together for 11 years, married for 6. We have 2 dcs, one pre-school and one school age. He has a best friend who he went to school with who we often hang out with, along with other mutual friends. This guy is also a v close friend of mine.

He got this new girlfriend a couple of years ago. She is a nice girl I think but kind of closed off and hard to get to know. She also acted in a weird, controlling and borderline abusive way to her partner, so for a long time my dh hated her, no-one else was massively keen either but we all tried to make an effort. ((For easiness' sake I'm gonna call dh's best friend C and his gf R)

Anyway, fast forward a bit and dh and her started to become friendlier. So friendly in fact that it seems people have begun to talk. The first I knew of it all was when dh told me (after I overheard a conversation between him and his best friend)that another friend, V had seen them kissing at a party in October, I must add that I was also at this party and saw nothing untoward. It turns out that it wasn't kissing, just possibly inappropriately intimate body-language.

So C has started to get the hump at the way dh and R have been behaving. They do stand and drink together and often will go on somewhere else alone after others have gone home. I'm not usually there as am looking after the dcs at home, dh goes out most friday nights til about 2-3am, nearly always with her. I know C feels uncomfortable and excluded but he hasn't talked to me about it.

dh says that C is being paranoid and unreasonable, and that there is nothing going on but that he likes R as a friend does not want to stop hanging out with her. I know they email eachother regularly while they're at work, and he texted her at like, 7.30 on Christmas morning, while the kids were in our room opening their presents (nice ). I actually read the message later that day and it was all rather innocuous but still, 7.30 on Christmas morning!?!

Last week dh told me he was meeting R for a drink after work to talk about the situation with C. I wasn't keen tbh but he was obviously going to go anyway. He was gone about 3 hours, I don't know if C knows they met up.

Anyway, I have been feeling uneasy about this for a while and we have had a few arguments about it. One one occasion I asked how he would feel if I was out drinking all the time with another bloke and he said 'I'd ask myself why you wanted to spend so much time with someone else rather than with me' like implying it was my fault for being a crappy wife or something.

I asked him if he fancied her and he said no but he understands her and likes her a lot. Last night though I am sorry to say I looked at his phone while he was asleep. (I know, I know ). I found an email conversation between them from yesterday where he says 'R - you're in my head a bit, I'm sorry it's not your fault. I know I'm being a twat. Maybe it's best if I stop coming out. If you don't know what I'm talking about then that's for the best'

She then replies something about them meeting up to 'talk' and they vaguely arrange to meet up this weekend. He also says something like 'I care about you and want to keep talking to you and listening to you' whatever that means.

So, it would appear that C was right, their friendship is crossing a line. What do i do about it though, I know it was wrong to look at his phone and he'll probably be really angry. I guess this is why you shouldn't look, even if you find something you can't legitimately say anything!

Also, I can't help feeling slightly responsible as over the last year dh told me a couple of times he wasn't happy with the way our relationship had become kind of functional, with no passion or excitement. He says I don't consider him, and it's true that I probably don't prioritise our relationship like I should, the dcs have always come first I guess.

I know this whole thing sounds really teenage but I promise it's genuine, and I am actually quite a mature 32 year old! dh and i are the first of our peer group to get married and have dcs, everyone else still goes out getting pissed and carrying on like we all did 10 years ago.

I think I'll wait and see what happens this weekend, I don't feel comfortable with them meeting up to discuss how she's 'in his head a bit'. Tbh that sounds like playing with fire! If he does meet her he might lie about it anyway and say he's meeting someone else. Or should I confess to looking and ask him about it? I mean, he hasn't actually done anything with her yet, is it acceptable to have crushes and feelings as long as you don't act on them?

Some perspective would be really helpful, right now I am so confused and I just feel sick and shaky. Thank you for reading.

Don't blame yourself he has crossed a line confront him, even if its is awkwarddue to you looking through his phone,
the best defence is an offence.

Typos - sorry

Mouseface... Yes that's the one.

I agree, I don't doubt that everybody wants to try to help, they surely wouldn't spend so much time on a forum reading and posting if they didn't, they do care.

I think that the OP is probably feeling a bit 'got at' and that's not very helpful as she might disregard the good advice she's had from so many here... or she might be doing many of the things suggested and just hasn't come back for an update.

Witch, how long have you been on MN?

AF and actually perfumed are both really decent people, with huge hearts.

They are actually though pretty similar in that they don't mince their words and are usually bang on.

mistaken spottings of Extended identification aside eh AF?

I don't take any responsibility for that, LMHF

I was easily led

On the offchance you're still reading this, SJ32, the situation I'm thinking of wasn't exactly the same (though I did have one that was.) Other people told me X#2 met up with one of his woman friends every week for dinner. I invited myself along. When he went to the toilets, she told me "I've had him, you know" I felt utterly powerless. This situation could not happen to me again but, that evening, I could have done with someone encouraging me to give the both of them an earful as soon as he came back.

The reason it couldn't happen again is that I'm no longer such a doormat so compliant. I know, now, that there are no medals for self-sacrifice and that pride is compatible with love: indeed, someone who loves you treats your pride with care.

Hope this helps.

I can accept that certain people have been in the same position as the OP but YOU ARE NOT THE OP and for this reason you should not be TELLING her what to do .... like 'leave him, he'll never change' sort of thing - I'm not quoting anyone as saying this - it is just an example.

Like witchy has said, "There's a fine line between plain talking and heckling, or there is my book. " I'll second, third and fourth that.

And remember that "the brain is not built to retain pain" so you may not all remember the pain/discomfort the OP is going through, especially after having opened her innermost thoughts on a forum of relative strangers.

Ah, thanks again mouseface

I stand by that comment, I genuinely wanted to know a bit about why someone would take the trouble to post really emotional, difficult stuff and then not revisit it, even to say, thanks but no thanks.

I certainly am not berating the op, and she hasn't returned to post so am not addressing her. Was asking the posters who have given their hard won advice and experience on this awful situation.

I am never knowingly brusque with my opinion/advice because of the reasons you cite LyingWitch, it's such an emotive board and posters are already feeling shit. But, as in real life, sometimes you have to hear the unadorned, unvarnished truth.

Never more so than in this particular post.

I have to say that if I had the need to post on here for advice, I'd much rather posters said 'Mouse, get a fucking grip and bin the fucker' than 'Mouse, you poor, poor lamb, are you sure he's doing XYZ?'

'Could you be overtired and reading things into the situation? What about your lovely, happy family? Are you going to throw all of that away for the silly mistakes your DH has made'

Erm, HELL YES! Do not shit on your own doorstep or bite the hand that feeds you or fuck with someone who has been fucked with so much in the past, that the very next fuck up could send her over the edge.

I finally learnt to respect myself. And I now I expect others to do the same.

If that makes my school of thought a bit harsh/raw/abrupt, then I'm sorry but why pussy foot around what you are trying to say?

Tell me how it is, get it out there and deal with it.

I do believe that there are some people that will never really "get" Mumsnet.

That is OK, it isn't for everyone.

I like it exactly how it is though, and find it difficult to understand the arrogance of new posters who wade in with "you lot are aggressive bitches and you are doing it all wrong...let me tell you how you should be doing it"

and hen they wonder why people go

tbqh, I don't give a shit what you think, the forum stands for itself, not for individual posters

You too LMHF

There are other formums where the style of posting is more 'delicate' and there is real life, where the op may feel not ready to unburden herself. There is choice

If I dressed up plain truth I would feel I was lying. Not one of us can tell anyone to do anything, only what we would do, or what we think they should do. They are free to choose.

You are free to dislike the style too, but I won't change.

AF, the responsibility was all mine... I still chuckle seeing it though.

I'm obviously not making myself plain here. I'll try using Mouse's post:

'Mouse, get a fucking grip and bin the fucker'
This kind of thing is the sort of comment that is great to get somebody's head out of the clouds. I wouldn't be offended by it at all, would read it for what it is, a genuine concern at somebody not seeing what is in front of them and a wish for them to pull it together and take some action instead of being passive.

The comments that I thought were too much (I can't remember which poster(s) made them) are along the lines of:
How much more of a doormat are you going to be?

There were others similar to that. Hard to put into words but the sort of comments that you read that just make you feel even worse about yourself at a time when you need to get yourself together.

Perhaps you still don't know what I mean but without going back through the thread and pulling out examples I hope you can get the gist.

The poster I said was brusque was AF, nobody else. It's ridiculous to tell posters 'if they don't like it they can log off' or similar. We all know that. It sounds daft. I like Mumsnet as it is too, I don't expect anybody to do anything and I couldn't care less if my posts are liked or not.

Perfumed... I know what you mean but it's not the forum; it's the position that OP finds herself in. At the moment she seems really passive but hopefully she will get angry soon and tackle the issue, she's had really good advice from so many here.

I think we're all capable of calling a spade a spade and being opinionated... great, nothing wrong with that. I too like the fact that I can disagree with them completely on one thread and be nodding my head vigorously on the next. There's an old saying that if somebody agrees with you all the time, no matter what, they don't serve a purpose. No danger of that here.

Now... who's for carrot cake?

NO way would I EVER allow my husband to go drinking on a Friday with another woman while I was at home with 2 kids. EVER. It is inappropriate behaviour. Why doesn't he want to be at home with You.

Ladies Do you think we should stop discussing OP and her situation now? I'm just a bit worried because we haven't heard from her.

I don't think she'll have the stomach for looking at all these posts and I'm concerned that we may drive her into a depression.
????

i don't know why women don't set parameters in the beginning of a relationship.
Your answer is usually to be found in what we learned from our parents, Kerry.

I'm sorry to say that it sounds to me like he fancies her... all too familiar a story I'm afraid.

I hope despite everything you come back here and feel able to deal with this.

Witch - I'm full but can I have some for later please?

does that carrot cake have at least half an inch of frosting ?

I looove the frosting

Okay - The way I see it is this.. we've all said our peace, we've all posted our views, and we've all waited for the OP to come back.

FWIW OP, if you are around and reading this, please understand that no-one is getting at you for whatever you have done or decided to do.

This is very much your life, and definately your reality, not ours.

If you want help with what to do next, how to handle things, then please, please, please, come back and posters will be glad to calmly talk through how you are feeling, what you want to do, next steps etc.

Nobody wants to see your relationship torn to shreads. Not at all.

If your marriage is worth saving, I know of at least one poster on here who can help you to get it where it needs to be, after going through infidelity herself but it's not up to me to identify her.

You will have plenty of support, even if you decide to try and make a go of things.

But you have to be honest about what YOU want. How YOU feel.

As posters, we can only go off what we read.

I don't think the OP will return. That way she can pretend that it's not happening and that this relationship with R is purely platonic.
Her call, really. We've said what we think but, to be fair, we don't know him or her or what she feels she has to lose.

Mouseface, AF... There will always be a giant slice available for you, with frosting an inch thick... thanks for your generosity of spirit.

I don't know what the bear means but I like it better than this brace-face

Op- are you ok?

Have there been any developments?