dh and his best friends girlfriend - what shall I do?

[SJ32]

Hi, I think this is going to be a long one but I would really appreciate some advice, if anyone makes it that far!

dh and I have been together for 11 years, married for 6. We have 2 dcs, one pre-school and one school age. He has a best friend who he went to school with who we often hang out with, along with other mutual friends. This guy is also a v close friend of mine.

He got this new girlfriend a couple of years ago. She is a nice girl I think but kind of closed off and hard to get to know. She also acted in a weird, controlling and borderline abusive way to her partner, so for a long time my dh hated her, no-one else was massively keen either but we all tried to make an effort. ((For easiness' sake I'm gonna call dh's best friend C and his gf R)

Anyway, fast forward a bit and dh and her started to become friendlier. So friendly in fact that it seems people have begun to talk. The first I knew of it all was when dh told me (after I overheard a conversation between him and his best friend)that another friend, V had seen them kissing at a party in October, I must add that I was also at this party and saw nothing untoward. It turns out that it wasn't kissing, just possibly inappropriately intimate body-language.

So C has started to get the hump at the way dh and R have been behaving. They do stand and drink together and often will go on somewhere else alone after others have gone home. I'm not usually there as am looking after the dcs at home, dh goes out most friday nights til about 2-3am, nearly always with her. I know C feels uncomfortable and excluded but he hasn't talked to me about it.

dh says that C is being paranoid and unreasonable, and that there is nothing going on but that he likes R as a friend does not want to stop hanging out with her. I know they email eachother regularly while they're at work, and he texted her at like, 7.30 on Christmas morning, while the kids were in our room opening their presents (nice ). I actually read the message later that day and it was all rather innocuous but still, 7.30 on Christmas morning!?!

Last week dh told me he was meeting R for a drink after work to talk about the situation with C. I wasn't keen tbh but he was obviously going to go anyway. He was gone about 3 hours, I don't know if C knows they met up.

Anyway, I have been feeling uneasy about this for a while and we have had a few arguments about it. One one occasion I asked how he would feel if I was out drinking all the time with another bloke and he said 'I'd ask myself why you wanted to spend so much time with someone else rather than with me' like implying it was my fault for being a crappy wife or something.

I asked him if he fancied her and he said no but he understands her and likes her a lot. Last night though I am sorry to say I looked at his phone while he was asleep. (I know, I know ). I found an email conversation between them from yesterday where he says 'R - you're in my head a bit, I'm sorry it's not your fault. I know I'm being a twat. Maybe it's best if I stop coming out. If you don't know what I'm talking about then that's for the best'

She then replies something about them meeting up to 'talk' and they vaguely arrange to meet up this weekend. He also says something like 'I care about you and want to keep talking to you and listening to you' whatever that means.

So, it would appear that C was right, their friendship is crossing a line. What do i do about it though, I know it was wrong to look at his phone and he'll probably be really angry. I guess this is why you shouldn't look, even if you find something you can't legitimately say anything!

Also, I can't help feeling slightly responsible as over the last year dh told me a couple of times he wasn't happy with the way our relationship had become kind of functional, with no passion or excitement. He says I don't consider him, and it's true that I probably don't prioritise our relationship like I should, the dcs have always come first I guess.

I know this whole thing sounds really teenage but I promise it's genuine, and I am actually quite a mature 32 year old! dh and i are the first of our peer group to get married and have dcs, everyone else still goes out getting pissed and carrying on like we all did 10 years ago.

I think I'll wait and see what happens this weekend, I don't feel comfortable with them meeting up to discuss how she's 'in his head a bit'. Tbh that sounds like playing with fire! If he does meet her he might lie about it anyway and say he's meeting someone else. Or should I confess to looking and ask him about it? I mean, he hasn't actually done anything with her yet, is it acceptable to have crushes and feelings as long as you don't act on them?

Some perspective would be really helpful, right now I am so confused and I just feel sick and shaky. Thank you for reading.

I have re read this thread and there's one thing I just don't get. Where is C whilst all this is going on? Surely he doesn't just let his GF leave the pub with another bloke every Friday night to go off 'somewhere else'?
Am bit confused about his reaction to situation. Wouldn't he just have punched his so-called best mates lights out by now?

Isn't it funny that when replies are clinical with their accuracy, they are accused of being cruel.

Sure we can pussy foot about and do lots of stroking and there-there, but it just wastes time.

OK so it's bloody hard to be on the end of the MN blunt 'This is how it is love' but how often is MN actually so far off the truth?

As tough as it is to read, direct, naked comments about our situation/H and the opinion of what the next step ought to be, I'd rather that, than an army of "Aw Hun, good luck with that, I've got cupcakes to bake.." & It's been 15783 days since my last grammatically correct and useful post kind of thing.

This OPs H is at the very least conducting an EA, and is committed to a PA. the replies here are all trying to help her minimise the damage being inflicted upon her self-esteem and confidence, both of which she is going to need bucket loads of to come out of this situation relatively unscathed.

Doesn't make easy reading, but does give her every weapon there is in her relationship arsenal.

I prefer to stay here and have a laugh when you get frustrated when the OP doesnt fall for your reverse psychology or orders !!

My choice ! Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !

strange person...

so in effect, you are geting entertainment out of a person's misfortune

nice

I have a bloody blister on my thumb from wielding that mallet

Oh my days, school tomorrow?

Ha Ha! My arse is too big to that have made any affect on me LMHF!

Im not getting entertainment from OPs misfortune. Im getting entertainment from the other posters who think the reverse psychology will work and getting pissed off in frustration at other things !

Simples !

Well posted, LMHF. There's a surge of anti-mumsnet-bluntness sentiment on the Relationships board just lately - and I used to feel the same way. Didn't take me long to realise posters were actually applying hard-won common sense and experience to the problems posted. Also, the majority of posts here concern very serious relationship problems, which probably reflects the quality of mumsnet advice.

If you're feeling miffed because your boyfriend flirted with some random girl at the Xmas party, you might get a bit of sympathy here but the thrust of your replies will be "Grow up!" Other forums might give you more of the feedback you hoped for. If, however, he's conducting a full-scale affair under your nose and telling you to put up with it, mumsnet is the only place that will take the trouble to think it through with you and share the benefit of its collective experience.

I agree with whoever said we tell people what to do, rather than advising - but I put that down to a difference in communication styles. I hate "you need to / he needs to" as window-dressing for shoulds and musts, too. I do know what the writer means, though, and credit OPs with the same intelligence.

Here here Grace

I agree with part of what Patheticisntit says actually. I know that people want to try to help the OP, but it isn't helpful to constantly harrangue her, tell her what she needs to do etc, and berate her for not following advice given.

Be honest, how would you feel if you posted for advice when you felt really vulnerable, and there were a bunch of women basically telling you that you're a fool to put up with it, can't you see what's happening, kids involved, hubby doesn't care... rah rah rah.

Any why would anybody in their right mind let somebody from an internet forum (CRB checked or not 'snort') look after their kids and other people suggest that OP takes them up on it? Crazy!

If advice is given then it's got to be unconditional, OP doesn't owe a thing to anybody here. Sometimes it seems a fine line between a genuine desire to help and a bitchfest of one-upmanship and smuggery. There but for the grace of whatever goes any of us... remember that.

Who has berated the OP for not taking their advice?

Not for the grace of, Witch. I've been where OP is and so have several others on her thread - as we've said. I've had plenty of time to work through what really happened, what it meant, etc. Am I wrong in wanting to share that with someone going through it now, and hoping to give her back some power in her life?

witch...that was a bit of light relief on a thread that was really, really negative

so your "snort" is fucking rude, tbh

Grace... No, not at all. I think there are a lot of us who have been in or near that position at some point. What's important though is how advice is given. If you think back to when you were at that point yourself, you probably felt foolish, sad, hurt, like the ground's gone from your feet plus a hundred other emotions. You don't need someone else telling you that you are a fool.

There's a fine line between plain talking and heckling, or there is my book.

And yes, there for the grace of, Grace - lightning can strike twice, albeit that you'd probably be a bit better placed to deal with it.

Mouseface... Perfumed, up the thread.

AF... the snort was not at your offer, it was at the 'CRB' checking. CRBs don't mean that much, they're not difficult to get.

Yes, I know that CRB checks are not worth the paper they are written on. That wasn't the point though was it ? You didn't need to sound so patronising.

Hand on heart, if I posted on here (or anywhere) for anonymous opinions on a situation, I would want straight-talking honesty, no matter how hard to hear.

Otherwise, what is the point ?

If I wanted soft-soaping I could ask people who had an emotional investement in not upsetting me.

There is very little smugness or one-upwomanship on the Relationships forum.

Chat, very possible, AIBU, very likely (but it usually gets shot down in flames), but Relationships? No.

If you spend any amount of time on this forum, you can see real support, love and help offered.

MANY posters DO come here for advice, practical help and support, and they get it.

There have been a couple of late, however that have been somewhat self-absorbed, and have argued and defended behaviour that really is indefensible. I do get it, it's really hard to come on here and ask for advice (even if you know your OH IS an arse) but to have dozens of faceless replies attacking him is hard to take and the defence of them is all too easy a position to adopt. That generally doesn't go down too well.

There are real women here, with real stories, and real help to offer. They have however been through extreme situations and this can cloud their view sometimes and make them vociferous in their replies.

Never forget that some of us here have really suffered and they would move heaven and earth to help prevent that happening again to another living soul.

Sorry Pathetic didn't realise you were still here.. Byeeeeeeeee usually means you are leaving....

Anyway, stick around, you might learn something.

LMHF... I know it's generally supportive here, it would be a place that I'd come to ask advice too.

Thinking back I wonder if, when the OP has outlined their 'case', they add on bits to try to get the opinions on the forum to change? I think deep down, when somebody posts something they're heartbroken over, they want advice but they really aren't ready to 'hear it' yet? They haven't bought in to their situation yet perhaps? I think that's what's happened with the OP and I don't think she'll be back until her partner has made his decision.

AF... Well that was my point, about the CRB, not your offer. It wasn't intended to be patronising and I don't think it was; you just have your hackles up at the comment. That's fair enough, I think your posts are pretty brusque too.

witch - do you mean this?

"perfumedlife Sat 22-Jan-11 13:48:59

The title includes the words, 'what should I do?'

Why do people post with a question and then blithely do nothing, ignoring all advice given with a good heart/benefit of experience?"

TBH, I think it's more a frustrated generalisation, rather than a personal attack on the OP>

If I'm wrong then I apologise but 'knowing' a little bit about perfumed's style as such, IME she genuinely only wants to help with threads of this nature.

In fact, nobody posts here to say 'I'm right because this happened to me'

I think that most posters only ever want to share thei experiences to highlight the facts.

That these situations do happen and women here have been through them.

Your dh goes out every Friday night until 3am whilst you stay in with the dcs......

Is this how you saw your lives together?

Surely that's enough, forget everything else.