Hi SJ32, I?ve been following the thread for a while. I know you had said you were going to leave this thread for now, but have wanted to point a few things out to you in case you are lurking (so warning this will be long).
The following are all your own words.
?R - you're in my head a bit, I'm sorry it's not your fault. I know I'm being a twat. Maybe it's best if I stop coming out. If you don't know what I'm talking about then that's for the best?
This implies that he needs R in his life, and not just as a friend. It is not a normal ?need? that a married man should have to a female that is not his wife. From the sounds of it, he hasn?t necessarily said how he truely feels to her, but their constant time spent together implies that it is more than what one would deem normal. It also sound as if maybe he?s suddenly realised how far this has gotten, and is worried.
?I care about you and want to keep talking to you and listening to you?
Again, this is inappropriate for a married man to say to another woman.
?So, it would appear that C was right, their friendship is crossing a line?
?Fab, i agree it is a textbook EA isn't it? Shit.?
Your words. You recognise it to be wrong, including that your H said things to you about how the way your relationship is now is your fault.
?He said that he could see how it looked bad but that when he said 'R - you're in my head a bit' he meant that the situation with C and R was doing his head in, not that SHE was in his head. He said she would know what he meant coz he's used the terminology in that way before, and that the 'you're' refers to both of them, not just R.?
If he meant about C and R, he would have put ?you?re both? or ?the situation?. Using that terminology implies that he is fixated on her, or obsessed with her, which seems to be the case if he has to go out every Friday to see her, whether other friends are there or not.
?The next morning, he emailed R to say 'That's it I'm not coming out with you two anymore'. She was all like 'why what's happened?'. She totally claims ignorance of the whole thing, also denies that C's upset about the friendship and wants everything to stay exactly as it is.?
Of course she wants everything to stay the same. She has C as a DP and your H as an extra. It doesn?t mean to say that they have done something, but it?s obviously she likes the attention and that?s not healthy for yours and H?s relationship, or her?s with C. C is probably feeling as you are, worried about this friendship but hasn?t spoken of it in fear of losing her or something along those lines. Very much like you haven?t been fully honest with H by saying you?re not happy about the friendship and want it to stop.
?In fact, dh says she 'harangues' him into coming out when he's said he's not going to, which happened last friday.?
He says it?s her fault for making him go out, but is it really? He could just say ?no, I fancy staying at home with my DW and DC, and have a drink at home instead?. She?s not turning up at your door and physically dragging him out the house, is she?
?Either A) C is narked at the friendship, feels left out and has been talking to all and sundry about it or B) C has no issue with the friendship or anything but other 3rd parties have commented to him about it and suggested it's a bit weird or whatever. I personally think it's theory A and so does dh.?
It sounds more like C) C is unhappy about the friendship, feels H is a threat, but as H is C?s friend, can?t voice these thoughts and feelings without possibly falling out with H.
?I would fucking love to be privy to these chats believe me but dh says there is no way they will go for it and I agree tbh.?
That C and R won?t be happy for you to be present? Why? Least it would show how serious this is. Least C would know that you have doubts as well, and that he could possibly turn to you to voice his thoughts and feelings, as you?re both in the same boat. Instead, it lets slip when he?s drunk, probably from having to hide it so much from everyone else.
?I know you all probably think I'm a total mug, but he didn't have to show me their emails (admittedly there are other emails fro other times but I don't necessarily expect to see all his private correspondence.?
Was it just the email you admitted to reading? Did you see any others? If it was just that one, then of course he wouldn?t feel worried about printing it off for you, as it would give him time also to think about what he?s going to tell you.
?Yes it still rankles a bit that he's friends with her, especially that he texted her on Christmas morning?
If you?re not happy about it, you have every right to say so. And I wouldn?t be happy about that text either. It?s not normal behaviour.
?He has said that he doesn't want me there as it will make it into such a massive issue that things won't be ok with him and C anymore, they have been friends all their lives.?
That?s not your fault. This is all H and R?s fault. If C didn?t want to be friends with him anymore, it?s got nothing to do with you. You?re not the one going out with C every week.
?we have 2 young kids, we've been married a long time and although things are far from perfect we do still have love and respect for eachother. I wouldn't walk away just on the grounds of what I already know, however I am not a mug and I will not be taken the piss out of by them?
I feel that the reason you would rather let this blow over is because you are scared of what will happen if you did something about it. Sometimes it is easier to hide your head in the sand, but your relationship will not improve if you do.
?yes I do wonder if she might be enjoying the attention slightly. Me and dh have discussed this previously, he wonders if she may know what she's doing more than she lets on, and if she's trying to play power games with C or manipulate him in some way. He actually asked her this I think when they met a while ago but she didn't really answer.?
She?s not going to admit it though if she was though. And H is pretty much playing the same games as she is, as he is allowing this to happen, so he is as bad as she is.
?I agree that given the upset it has caused it's probably not a good idea for them to spend time together when it's just the 3 or the 2 of them. I think we both agree on this, like I said there are at least 2 other mutual friends out with them tonight.?
But he is still out isn?t he? Just because there are other friends there, doesn?t mean H won?t be just spending time on his own with R.
?He says he likes to have drink on friday nights. He does work bloody hard and has always liked a drink, a bit too much really but that is not this issue - although it is related as R is the second biggest drinker and their friendship is very much based around drinking, more so than say being confidantes?
Most people work hard and like a drink. What?s wrong with having a drink at home? And if they?re just drinking buddies, then why would H be texting her early Christmas morning? Why would he be telling her she?s in his head? Doesn?t make sense does it?
?And tbh i don't even want to go to that pub every friday, it's a shit pub anyway?
It?s not about going to this pub with H though is it? It?s about why should H be allowed to go out every week, whilst you?re stuck at home on your own, yet again.
?actually no - he was meant to but then he got his mum to have them as he thought he had to do a really late job in another town. But it turned out that his colleagues did a temporary cover job and he didn't have to go. He says he didn't find this out until he'd already dropped them at his mum's in their pyjamas. Yes he could have gone and got them again but it was late and he went for a drink instead?
Funny how that worked out isn?t it? He has one night to spend with his DC on his own, but he?d rather go out with his friends? And if he?s able to go to the pub every Friday night for weeks for however long now, how did it work out the one Friday night he can?t go out and you?re not at home, he still finds an excuse to go out? He?s not being a particular good father role to your DC.
?I'm just getting upset now?
And there?s no wonder you are getting upset. I know it?s not nice to hear everyone telling you?re a mug and that your H is cheating on you. I?m not saying he is cheating on you physically, I really hope for your sake he isn?t, but it is an emotional affair if anything, and this friendship is not healthy and it is damaging your relationship.
?He has just texted to say that he is meeting her on sunday, him one night next week and that other friends are still there and he won't stay out with just R.?
And again, why is he meeting her Sunday when he was suppose to meet her today? Is that both Saturday and Sunday?
I?m sorry you?re going through this, I really am. But a few years ago, my DP had a female friend, and I became uncomfortable with it when he seemed to always be talking to her. It then turned out they were very flirty and it wasn?t good. When I made DP realise what he was doing, he was so angry and upset with himself, that he told her he couldn?t be friends anymore, blocked her emails, Facebook and phone number, and changed his phone number to, as he realised it was wrong. A couple of people thought I was being a mug for accepting his word, and although my trust in him was knocked and it took a long time for it to be rebuilt, I had support of RL friends who knew the both of us very well, who believed DP as much as I did.
However, your H has shown that he is not going to give this up. He says he?s going to talk to her this weekend about things, but has then arranged to see her again next week with friends? How is that stopping this friendship and focusing on your marriage? I think one step you should at least take if you're going to keep your head in the sand, is go counselling with your H so you can work out the "issues" in your marriage that your H thinks are your fault, and then maybe you can both also come to the realisation of what this friendship is doing to your marriage as well.
Like others have said, I hope you don?t show H this thread, as it?ll show not only your thoughts and feelings on this that you haven?t been able to express to him, but also that you are willing to believe him. I think it?s obvious that he has lied to you about certain things. Your gut feelings and instincts have told you something is wrong, so if you won?t listen to the advice of MNetters, then at least listen to your feelings there.