Cold feet about wedding, attracted to someone else

[MakingMyBed]

Hello - I am an avid reader of these forums and think the advice and discussions are fantastic. This is the first time I've posted as I would hugely appreciate some impartial/honest/blunt advice about a situation I can't tell anyone about in real life. I am braced for all responses.

I am in my mid-late 20s and engaged to a really lovely man. I have known him for four years and in that time he has been my best friend and constant support. When I met him I was in my early 20s and had already had several long-term relationships, some good, some appallingly bad/abusive. I've always been one to jump straight from one relationship into another - I've never been single. I was very vulnerable when I met my fiance - he was big, affectionate, reliable, kind, really looked after me.

However, I didn't fancy him and I felt we had no chemistry at all in bed etc. I never went through the butterflies in stomach, madly in love stage with him. But the combination of qualities I've described was very attractive to me and he pursued me so we ended up together.

I know it sounds weird that I continued with the relationship despite the spark not being there - but all I could think was where the spark (basically the lust/sex thing) had got me in the past (into crap relationships with horrible men and deluding myself that awful situations were fine). I actually felt more in control of this relationship because I wasn't so in love and was being more objective.

Over the years I have come to love my fiance more and more - he is wonderful and I've told myself that other people are too hung up on the spark and that I am sensible and lucky to be with such a nice man who will also make a brilliant dad.

But the spark is not there and as a result we have almost no sex life, much to his disappointment.

A couple of months ago, I met a friend of my brother's on a night out and there were mad sparks flying between us. And it wasn't just physical attraction but a feeling of utter connection. I went home feeling very unsettled by my feelings for this man. He befriended me on facebook and then started inviting me to the pub when he went with my brother. I enjoy socialising with my brother so was glad to be included. I genuinely couldn't go to the first couple of things he invited me to (was also a bit nervous of my own feelings), and then last week I made it down to the pub. My fiance came too and my fiance and this other man got on like a house on fire - they chatted all night and I was thrilled, as it took the focus off my silly feelings for this other guy and we all had a great night.

This man then organised another night out with the same people. Through no one's intention, it was a night that I was free but my fiance wasn't - in fact my fiance was out of town. At the end of the night this man couldn't get home. He was talking about getting a very expensive taxi so I said he was welcome to my sofabed. I don't think this was sensible but at the time it seemed to be. When we got back to my flat we ended up having a few more drinks and talking until the small hours about everything, just getting to know each other. We must have been quite drunk cos somehow we ended up acknowledging this amazing spark between us. At this point we both felt very out of control, that we'd crossed a line and that it was wrong for him to stay, so we hugged and then he got a (hideously expensive) taxi home.

What do you think I should do now? My wedding is arranged for this summer. Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long.

Kangaroo, I think so. Please indulge me in this little story!! (You collectively are already being massively indulgent and my free counsellors - thank you. I won't go on forever I promise.)

When I was 12, I had my first boyfriend. I had "fancied" him in that girlish way for absolutely ages and he was popular in the school.

Then one day, out of the blue, he "asked me out" (you know how it goes when you're that little :) Surprised he didn't send his mate to do it!).

I know we were really little but we actually did have a kind-of proper relationship in that we hung out together in his bedroom every day after school :) and kissed a lot. I definitely had sexual feelings for him - was quite an early developer.

We carried on like this for about 3 months. Then one day, while still hugely fancying the pants off him and enjoying spending time with him, I sent my friend to dump him (nice ).

He was absolutely gutted and bewildered. So was I! But basically I had freaked out about the possibilty of being hurt/humiliated .A bit later he started going out with this really pretty, popular girl .

And although I was just a little girl of 12, I really think that I've been the same ever since. (Prob due to not being single, letting myself grow as person etc etc.)

Counselling is beginning to look like a better and better idea!!

Thanks for listening!

oops, emoticon overload...

The trouble is that becuase of the endless pressure to form and maintain couple-relationships, you get a lot of what I call 'inertia relationships' where one partner is either desperately in love with the other or desperate not to be single and therefore does everything s/he can to be the Perfect Partner, but the other person either thinks s/he 'will do for now' and gradually drifts into thinking 's/he will do and everybody's got to settle down at some point ...' Or, worst case scenario, the less-keen partner is an unpleasant person who is enjoying being worshipped, indulged and obeyed and gets off on activiely manipulating the other one (though that's not the case with the OP at all by the sound of it).
What generally happens with inertia relationships is that the less-keen partner (if naturally inclined to heteromonogamy) meets someone else to whom s/he is a whole lot more suited, and leaves the intertia relationship. Less often, the desperate partner grows a backbone and decided not to settle for being tolerated rather than loved - or indeed the desperate partner meets someone to whom s/he is actually more suited.

If you are not thoroughly happy with your couple-relationship, if it's not genuinely enhancing your life, and if the thought of sex with your partner has never been more than 'Oh well, if you must, I suppose we ought to, really' then FFS get out and enjoy life!

SGB - think I'm going to! Just have to be brave!

FannyAdams - that's really nice what you said about me being normal and prob not needing outside help, psychotherapy etc. I'm starting to realise that it could just be I need to grow up a bit (in the nicest possible way) and that maybe I'm not as mature and worldly as I would like to believe.

Also FannyAdams I'm really sorry for what you're going through and can totally sympathise - as you know, I have seen how easy it is to fall into an affair. If I had kids and knew I couldn't leave, I could see myself doing it :( I'm sorry though.

Also, thanks Wordweaver. Yes I am shocked by what I've done. Your post was really interesting and thanks for being so detailed. I don't think I've ever felt like that in a relationship but would like to.

I'm sorry I'm not acknowledging everyone's posts and stories - especially people who have bothered to post long ones - but I'm reading and thinking about every single one.

Can I be the voice of dissent here?

I was in exactly your situation a year ago (except we weren't engaged). I posted for advice on this very board and was told pretty much what people have told you - ie, leave him, it won't get better etc etc.

So I did.

This was in June last year.

I felt OK for a couple of months but in August the doubts started creeping in.

At first I put this down to anxiety being in my brave new single world (we had been together 7 years) but the doubts never went away. Instead the increased until today, 8 months later, I am a huge jibbering wreck.

I regret more than I can say throwing away my relationship. I think I should have stayed and didn't realise what I had. I am so miserable and unhappy and cry myself to sleep every night. Former DP doesn't want me back and I feel completely bereft.

I am not saying that you would be the same. Just - think long and hard.

Oh - and I also thought that if he was cheating one I would be relieved.

Now I feel the opposite.

:( I'm sorry Cumbria.

But you are only 8 months in to being single after 7 years with the same person. Maybe you are still going through the grief?

What were the problems with your relationship that made you want to leave?

I'm sorry you're having such a horrible time but maybe you still made the right choice?

I too am wondering if it's normal "grief" that I am experiencing and I guess it's compounded by the fact it was my own decision so I can't "blame" anyone else and think "well, that's that". The fact remains if I hadn't left we'd still be together.

Our problems stemmed from the fact that he suffers from depression and drinks too much. This meant he never wanted to go out and do things. I got tired of doing things by myself so made a huge effort to go out and meet new people to do things with. In the end I had a large and very fun group of friends of which he was simply not a part and with whom I would much rather spend time than with him. This struck me as wrong and I felt we'd drifted apart. We also hadn't had sex for 2 years. Now I think if I had just made more of an effort and stayed in with him more we could have worked on things properly. I guess that's the benefit of hindsight.

Maybe in a few months I will feel differently. I hope so because I am really struggling on a day to day basis to cope and am haunted by remorse. Either way, I think that I just got excited by new people and experiences and forgot all the years we had shared together and how much I loved him.

"In the end I had a large and very fun group of friends of which he was simply not a part and with whom I would much rather spend time than with him. This struck me as wrong and I felt we'd drifted apart. We also hadn't had sex for 2 years."

Wow. FWIW I think you definitely did the right thing in leaving. That sounds rubbish.

So cumbria, you're saying you weren't happy with the relationship as it was. Perhaps if you had "just made more of an effort". Blimey, even reading that makes me think you were right to leave. If you absolutely have to make such an effort, put it towards someone with whom it will definitely lead towards a good relationship.

Cumbria, love, you must feel very alone, but the snippet you describe here of your former relationship is reason enough.

Just because the decision is hard, that it had to be taken to save your soul and self esteem long term, doesn't mean that it's not correct, and more importantly, doesn't mean that the decision won't hurt.

Don't you DARE blame yourself for this, why would your fault be that you had a life and friends, and that you should have given up all that, part of YOU for a person that can't control what they drink, nor care for themselves appropriately.

If you had've had kids with him, and been stuck with him more than you were, you would have hated him in the end. You'd have kicked yourself for the loss of your youth at the expense of a bottle and a sad introvert.

Lucky escape Cumbria, you may not see it now, but it IS early days. In a few months things will lift and you will feel better!

I called off my wedding very close to the date several years ago. My Dad had to write 170 cancellation letters. It was a hideous summer, but thank god I did it.

I then spent some time on my own, had counselling, and am now married to the loveliest man in the world. 5+ years on, I have never felt so loved by anyone, or as safe as I do now, but I also fancy him like mad. He is literally to me, the most beautiful sexy man in the world.

But, I didn't meet him until I was 31 and I did loads of work on myself before. You remind me very much of how I used to be, and I did not have the self-esteem or confidence to be in the relationship I'm in now, when I was 27.

OP I think you'd find counselling enormously helpful, because some of your scripts got stuck at aged 12 and that needs unravelling. I also think anyone who's had an affair is especially in need of counselling and that might explain your resistance to it Fanny.

You asked about long-term relationships. In my first post on this thread, I alluded to some of this, but if it helps, we've been married over 26 years. The spark in every area - sexual, intellectual and emotional was there right at the start and in truth, was more like an explosion. As you might imagine over 26 years and after 2 DCs, there have been enormous challenges, but fortunately no sustained doubts on either side about how much we loved eachother.

I can think of occasions when I've been resentful and angry with my H and we haven't been kind to eachother at all, especially during the early parenting years, but the connection and bond was so strong that beyond brief thoughts of throwing in the towel, we didn't want to separate.

I'd also echo something Wordweaver said in that one of my first thoughts on starting a relationship with my H was that it felt like coming home. No need for game-playing or tactics and if it were possible to feel entirely comfortable with someone whom one is passionately in love with, this was it. That felt significant then and it does now.

WRT your questions about who loves more and the power dynamic, I think that's interesting. In many relationships, that dynamic changes, usually at life catalysts, such as career changes, births of DCs or any personal or life changes that promote growth in one of the individuals. In a long relationship, that power shifts back and forth and in the best periods, equalises.

It can be dangerous if one party has all the power all of the time, knows it and abuses it, especially at times when the other person is especially vulnerable i.e. unemployed, a SAHP with reduced economic independence, debilitated through illness or depression etc. This is why the most healthy relationships are egalitarian in nature and nurturing, through periods of reduced power and vulnerability.

Cumbria, I know it's a bit sily for me to now attempt to dish out advice but my heart goes out to you so much. Your relationship sounds like it was really bad and unsustainable - and no sex for two years? Could you really have carried on like that potentially forever? The thing is you wanted to leave - now you have and you regret it but you wouldn't have known that if you'd stayed. So if you'd taken that path you probably would have wanted to leave a few years down the line, maybe when you had kids (assuming you didn't have any?).

I think you need to give yourself more time, but god I can so see myself in your position in 8 months and I really feel for you.

Also I have been with a couple of men with alcohol/addiction issues and I think it makes a long-term future very very hard.

Wow I haven't done any work at work for one and a half days! It's starting to show... better catch up.

Although I guess if I got the sack it would take my mind off my other problems!

MMB - I think you're doing really well taking all this on board and I do think counselling may help you to understand why you feel the need to push the "destruct" button on your relationships.
I think from what you've said that you have always been the one to finish your relationships - but is that the case? And, (bit of cod psychology here) - did you have a best friend who dumped you for someone else when you were younger than 12? Or did you lose someone else you were very close to?

Just wondering why you feel the need to be the one that ends things so that you don't end up hurt - usually people have been hurt when they do that but not necessarily in a romantic fashion.

cumbria - you did the right thing in leaving your relationship. Now you need to move on - it sounds like you could do with some counselling yourself to "find" yourself again! you stepped out into the big blue yonder and are feeling a bit fearful for the tfuture - but instead of facing it head on, you are hankering for your old smelly comfort blanket. What happened to all your friends and social life? Is it still available to you? You need to stop harking back to the past, look to the future and remind yourself daily that you are worth more than that relationship had to offer you. Believe it! (and consider some counselling).

Thumb's "hankering for your old smelly comfort blanket" - so astute and also so

Well actually thumbdabwitch, I don't know if it's important BUT.

When I started school at 5, I made a best friend (I know it sounds so silly to talk about what happened to me at that age - but I really can remember EXACTLY how it felt to be 5, or 12, or whatever and basically I don't feel very much like I've changed, I just feel like now I'm the same but bigger.)

Anyway me and my friend ADORED each other - we had so many private games etc etc.

Then in year 3 she basically left me for another girl. This other girl was very spiteful to me and would always call me fat, stupid etc and my old best friend would join in. For some reason (!) I thought the three of us were friends and I followed them around. But they were quite cruel about it and would run away from me. For a year I had no one to be with at breaks etc and it was really hard and humiliating. If I tried to be with them they ran away and laughed. The thing is I sought their approval for ages but they took delight in criticising me and undermining and telling me that everything I did was stupid and a joke.

When I look at pictures of myself when I was 7 or 8, I look like an abused child! I am so pale, with big dark rings round my eyes. I was so stressed, I used to come home every day and cry. My mum used to cry because it was so bad. In the end my parents appealed to send me to a different school and I went and was ok. But I had lost a lot of confidence - became more shy and always thought I was fat even though in terms of BMI etc I never have been.

I bumped into my old best friend when I was 18 - we got on amazingly. She said she has no idea why they were so cruel to me but that the other girl had gone on to bully her horrendously throughout her teenage years.

Incidentally the other girl was extremely damaged and I later found out she was being sexually abused by her uncle. :(

Anyway! Don't know if any of that matters. It is quite interesting to think about though. Cos it still brings back a lot of emotion - it actually brings a tear to my eye to be honest!!

Wow MMB I think that is definitely significant and something you should explore in counselling.

MMB - of COURSE it matters!! These experiences are the ones that guide our response to later situations - you had your heart broken by your best friend (I guessed as much!) and since then you have avoided it happening again.

You have also said in earlier posts that you pick strange partners, perhaps ones who don't "match" your level of attractiveness (this isn't being vain or anything, it is generally the case that someone who is a, for example, '5' will seek to be with another '5' unless there are confidence issues) - this screams lack of self-confidence and poor self-image.

The things that happen to us in our formative years have massive impact on the way we run our lives after that - even remembering these experiences can allow us to examine our behaviour since in the light of what happened then, and hopefully see how it has affected us. And then work to change it.

I hope you can see that. :)

Hi MMB - I'm afraid I haven't read the whole thread so I'm probably at risk of repeating what a lot of the other posters have said.

From what I have read, I would say that it does sound like you need to spend some time on your own and think about ending this relationship. If you're not sure about that, then at least break off the engagement and think about whether you really want to marry this man.

I don't think it's a good sign at all that you've never really wanted sex with your fiance that much. Sex is of absolutely fundamental importance in a loving relationship IF it is something that you are interested in - and evidently you are, or you wouldn't have felt this "spark" with this other guy, or in previous relationships. Also, - as you say - your fiance would like to have sex more frequently too. This imbalance in your desire to have sex with each other will only become a bigger and bigger issue in your relationship the longer you continue together. I think you have to have a long chat with your man. Good luck!

I'm sure that DOES matter very much, Making.

I have found that often the memories that have brought ready tears to my eyes have been the key to the source of pain.

You seem to have learned that it is dangerous and damaging to care too much. You must have been very hurt by what happened.

I hope that this doesn't sound peculiar, but perhaps you need to try to find a way to comfort and heal that little girl you were.