Cold feet about wedding, attracted to someone else

[MakingMyBed]

Hello - I am an avid reader of these forums and think the advice and discussions are fantastic. This is the first time I've posted as I would hugely appreciate some impartial/honest/blunt advice about a situation I can't tell anyone about in real life. I am braced for all responses.

I am in my mid-late 20s and engaged to a really lovely man. I have known him for four years and in that time he has been my best friend and constant support. When I met him I was in my early 20s and had already had several long-term relationships, some good, some appallingly bad/abusive. I've always been one to jump straight from one relationship into another - I've never been single. I was very vulnerable when I met my fiance - he was big, affectionate, reliable, kind, really looked after me.

However, I didn't fancy him and I felt we had no chemistry at all in bed etc. I never went through the butterflies in stomach, madly in love stage with him. But the combination of qualities I've described was very attractive to me and he pursued me so we ended up together.

I know it sounds weird that I continued with the relationship despite the spark not being there - but all I could think was where the spark (basically the lust/sex thing) had got me in the past (into crap relationships with horrible men and deluding myself that awful situations were fine). I actually felt more in control of this relationship because I wasn't so in love and was being more objective.

Over the years I have come to love my fiance more and more - he is wonderful and I've told myself that other people are too hung up on the spark and that I am sensible and lucky to be with such a nice man who will also make a brilliant dad.

But the spark is not there and as a result we have almost no sex life, much to his disappointment.

A couple of months ago, I met a friend of my brother's on a night out and there were mad sparks flying between us. And it wasn't just physical attraction but a feeling of utter connection. I went home feeling very unsettled by my feelings for this man. He befriended me on facebook and then started inviting me to the pub when he went with my brother. I enjoy socialising with my brother so was glad to be included. I genuinely couldn't go to the first couple of things he invited me to (was also a bit nervous of my own feelings), and then last week I made it down to the pub. My fiance came too and my fiance and this other man got on like a house on fire - they chatted all night and I was thrilled, as it took the focus off my silly feelings for this other guy and we all had a great night.

This man then organised another night out with the same people. Through no one's intention, it was a night that I was free but my fiance wasn't - in fact my fiance was out of town. At the end of the night this man couldn't get home. He was talking about getting a very expensive taxi so I said he was welcome to my sofabed. I don't think this was sensible but at the time it seemed to be. When we got back to my flat we ended up having a few more drinks and talking until the small hours about everything, just getting to know each other. We must have been quite drunk cos somehow we ended up acknowledging this amazing spark between us. At this point we both felt very out of control, that we'd crossed a line and that it was wrong for him to stay, so we hugged and then he got a (hideously expensive) taxi home.

What do you think I should do now? My wedding is arranged for this summer. Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long.

Yes you can.
And maybe you should. Because it really IS you, not him - and it's the kindest thing you could do for him. His heart is going to get broken anyway but in a much slower and more painful way if you go ahead with this, so might as well get it over with now.

Dont take yourself so seriously, men WILL get over you and move on, you know.

why not?

I mea, why can't you say just exactly that to a man who loves you? Don't you owe him just taht kind of respect?

Oops sorry I have obviously sounded like a bit of a plonker.

Let me rephrase... I just meant that of the three devastating break ups prior to this one, two have not moved on with their lives at all, and I think this one would struggle - at least at first. I feel guilty about the exes - but it's prob not really to do with me and more to do with other issues in their lives.

I am trying to do the right thing and totally recognise a lot of my issues. I think one thing I've done several times is purposely gone out with a guy considerably less attractive/intelligent/successful than me so I know he'll be completely adoring. Sucks I know - I haven't done it consciously and am becoming more aware.

Please call me up if I spout shit - I can totally take it.

By the way, how do you get a counsellor? A few people have mentioned it.

Migrating - cos it is like a sick joke to them that you are doing them a "favour" by leaving them because they deserve better. It's just aggravating. If you have to leave them you've got to just leave, rather than trying to placate them I reckon.

It may be a cliche but you really do need to work on your self esteem.

Picking guys who are in some way "inferior" to you is a sure sign that you feel you can't pull someone equally attractive- for fear of being hurt? By them leaving you? So you choose a safe option?

So is the need and panic to replace each guy who bites the dust.

Fear of being alone- so you settle for something.

You are still very young in relationship terms!

I don't mean this in an unkind way- just literally- but you need to "grow" up before you can trust yourself to choose a life partner- for the right reasons.

Not to fill a hole in your life, or because they are a kind of comfort or security blanket.

Counsellors

go to the Relate website, or www.bacp.co.uk

Phew, I'm glad you're coming round to the only sane decision here.

I agree with you that counselling will help you make wiser choices in the future. Look on the BACPS website and/or check out a local health/beauty/wellness centre. Make sure you get a proper psychotherapist. Talk to a few; it's important that you feel you can trust the one you pick - also, it's not unusual to change therapists after your early phase, so don't feel you have to overcommit to one person.

Good luck :) It's impossible to let him down gently, but I'm sure you'll do it as kindly as you can.

Thanks cabbageroses :) It's hard to accept I have so many problems because I was really denying that I had any... but so much of this rings true.

You'll be fine- don't be hard on yourself.

He will thank you in 10 years' time and you will thank yourself.

I think you're right - when I think of previous men I have absolutely agonised over breaking up with and made a real mess of the job... when I look back I am so relieved.

Perspective is a great thing and it's what I've got by coming on here.

If someone never recovers from being dumped, then that person is inadequate (well, OK, inless the dumping partner is seriously abusive and manipulative and has done them a lot of harm). While no one likes being dumped or rejected, it's just part of life and there is so much more to life than pursuing or clinging on to a particular individual who doesn't actually want to be with you.

making its not meant to be a sick joke but some real honesty from you. Its showing respect for this man who loves you to admit to him the truth and allow him the opportunity to move on
How ever you do this will hurt him but, in the long run, you will be helping him by giving him some understanding of what happened.

He needs to be free to find someone who will love him the way he deserves it.

And so do you.

frankly, staying with him because you were too afraid to admit to the truth would be a sicker 'joke' and be way, way more painful for both of you in the long run

Thanks all. Can I just ask, if you are older than me and do believe yourself to be in a successful, healthy r'ship that will go the distance:

1. Do you think there is a power imbalance in the r'ship, i.e. One is more loved than t'other so can call the shots?

1. How often do you have major doubts in your choice of partner and want to escape the r'ship?

Cos I'm sure this must happen even in good r'ships. If anyone's happy to share it would be interesting for me as not sure I've ever had a really successful r'ship. Also I see these probs around me friends' r'ships. But I realise I'm being nosy.

TBH, your friends relationships sound rocky from what you have described anyway.

Major doubts and wanting to escape will not form part of a healthy relationship.

Makingmybed, is it easier to talk and get on with men not equally attractive, so you end up with them? Or you feel a greater element of control because they should feel lucky to have you, in a way that an equally attractive partner, you fear, wouldn't?

Hi making, have been lurking but this is the first time I have posted on your thread. Hope you are OK this morning - you've had a big upheaval and sometimes it can be just as shocking when you've done it yourself, I think.

To answer your questions above:

I do feel that I am in a successful, healthy relationship. I haven't been in lots of relationships in my life - (I'm 35) - I have had long periods of being on my own because I preferred that to being with someone who I knew wasn't right for me. This is the first time I have ever felt that I will be with this person forever. It's a very happy feeling to have.

One thing I would say about it in comparison to previous relationships is how EASY it is. Easy to be friends, to be open and honest. Easy to talk about the future, and to speak from the heart. Easy to feel that I KNOW this man and I are right for each other. Easy because there is no imbalance; there are no power games. We love each other - we express that in different ways but there doesn't feel any need to question or quantify it.

Perhaps everyone has doubts at some point in their relationship, and perhaps I will, but I haven't yet. Not even the faintest wobble from day one. For both of us, it was a bit like that feeling you get when you've arranged to meet someone and they're late. You hang around and wonder if they've forgotten, and feel edgy. And then you see them coming towards you and you get a relaxed, relieved feeling. That's how it feels with him. I feel as if that's what everyone's been talking about all this time. No wonder they say it's so great. But I couldn't even have imagined it before I met him.

I can't imagine wanting to 'escape'. Being with him doesn't feel like being imprisoned. In fact, if anything, it feels like being free.

I think as I grew older and more used to being on my own, my idea of what I wanted in a partner grew more exacting. Being alone - living alone - really helped that. I realised that I was very happy in my life as it was, so if I was going to let someone new into it and make adjustments for them, they would have to be pretty amazing.

So I would echo other posters' advice and say that it might help you to be on your own for a while, and get better acquainted with who you are as a single person.

I wish you well.

It sounds like you are worried that everyone has major doubts at some time, even in a good relationship. I don't think that's true at all (certainly not for me and DP, and we've been going out for almost 20 years). I also don't think that one person should call the shots - it's a partnership, after all.

However, I do think that plenty of people get married despite having major doubts. If you've been going out for a long while, the natural thing is to get married, because you don't want to rock the boat. The brave thing to do is to bale out.

If you were 35 and wanted children, then you might put those major doubts to one side. However, you are still young. If I were you, I'd analyse a potential boyfriend more carefully next time before you get involved. You are clearer now about what you want. If the sex isn't good, or they don't treat you (and others) nicely, then cross them off the boyfriend list pronto. Better to be alone and available than with the wrong person.

I think you're being a bit hard on yourself - being in a relationship that just isn't working out doesn't make you a terrible person or show that you're flawed in any way - the majority of the population have been in relationships they stayed in for too long just because things were comfortable or that the alternative - i.e. leaving were just a bit too scary. This doesn't mean that you need to address your behaviour, or undergo psychotherapy to ensure you don't make the same mistake again. I think it makes you quite normal. Sometimes people just merge into a couple and then things become entangled and then splitting seems a really difficult thing to do.

Seeing that things aren't quite right is a good thing - you're having this rational thought process before making what could and probably would be a terrible mistake. If it feels wrong now imagine what it'll feel like when you're dealing with the trials and tribulations that marriage and life bring. Life is not all happy experiences and good things - real life is difficult and brings major hurdles and setbacks. Real life is sometimes boring. Facing difficulties with the love of your life is one thing, facing difficulties with someone who gets on your nerves a lot of the time and where there is a growing resentment is a completely different undertaking.

The doubts won't leave - mine never did but we just plodded along together, and then we had a couple of DCs and this covered up the boredom for a while and in my mind I could put up with anything for the sake of my DCs - even, not being that in love with my DH. Life isn't that easy unfortunately - commiting the rest of your life to someone you like and get on well with isn't the easy option IMO. It's hard going because ultimately, no matter how much of a good person your partner is, kids and marriage are forever. There is no way that I would leave my DH because I love my DCs too much - they deserve to have their wonderful father around all of the time. The problem is that to enable this to happen I have made a deal with the devil where ultimately I sacrifice my own needs to an extent.

The truth is that I started having an affair at the end of last year. I know how awful that is and nobody in RL knows about it. I'm not asking for a flaming or for a mob to attack and tell me what a crap person I am. I know. What I know is that I would never leave DH, he is the best father to my children that I could ask for and I wouldn't change this. Ever.

What I am saying though is that settling isn't fair on anyone, yourself, your partner, the DCs that might come along. When you marry someone it should be because you love them and can't imagine ever feeling like this about anyother person. I got it wrong and hoped that through shared experience, love would solidify. Love is greater than this and out of respect for yourself and your partner, call it quits now - a split without kids is possible - splitting with kids is a whole different ball game.

Hey - sorry for the long post - I guess I needed to rant...

to answer the question - i would say my relationship is more challenging than wordweavers. it is not always easy. we come from very different cultures and so have had to learn about each other and grow together - which we have. however it does enrich my life. we always seem to move forward from our differences.

maybe i quite like to be challenged (actually i know i do). i think i might get bored otherwise. however we both adore each other. my husband is totally on my side. we can have the occassional dramatic row but ultimately we work through it and come out the other side.

a relationship is only as good as the people in it make it. the dynamic reflects both people in it.