Cold feet about wedding, attracted to someone else

[MakingMyBed]

Hello - I am an avid reader of these forums and think the advice and discussions are fantastic. This is the first time I've posted as I would hugely appreciate some impartial/honest/blunt advice about a situation I can't tell anyone about in real life. I am braced for all responses.

I am in my mid-late 20s and engaged to a really lovely man. I have known him for four years and in that time he has been my best friend and constant support. When I met him I was in my early 20s and had already had several long-term relationships, some good, some appallingly bad/abusive. I've always been one to jump straight from one relationship into another - I've never been single. I was very vulnerable when I met my fiance - he was big, affectionate, reliable, kind, really looked after me.

However, I didn't fancy him and I felt we had no chemistry at all in bed etc. I never went through the butterflies in stomach, madly in love stage with him. But the combination of qualities I've described was very attractive to me and he pursued me so we ended up together.

I know it sounds weird that I continued with the relationship despite the spark not being there - but all I could think was where the spark (basically the lust/sex thing) had got me in the past (into crap relationships with horrible men and deluding myself that awful situations were fine). I actually felt more in control of this relationship because I wasn't so in love and was being more objective.

Over the years I have come to love my fiance more and more - he is wonderful and I've told myself that other people are too hung up on the spark and that I am sensible and lucky to be with such a nice man who will also make a brilliant dad.

But the spark is not there and as a result we have almost no sex life, much to his disappointment.

A couple of months ago, I met a friend of my brother's on a night out and there were mad sparks flying between us. And it wasn't just physical attraction but a feeling of utter connection. I went home feeling very unsettled by my feelings for this man. He befriended me on facebook and then started inviting me to the pub when he went with my brother. I enjoy socialising with my brother so was glad to be included. I genuinely couldn't go to the first couple of things he invited me to (was also a bit nervous of my own feelings), and then last week I made it down to the pub. My fiance came too and my fiance and this other man got on like a house on fire - they chatted all night and I was thrilled, as it took the focus off my silly feelings for this other guy and we all had a great night.

This man then organised another night out with the same people. Through no one's intention, it was a night that I was free but my fiance wasn't - in fact my fiance was out of town. At the end of the night this man couldn't get home. He was talking about getting a very expensive taxi so I said he was welcome to my sofabed. I don't think this was sensible but at the time it seemed to be. When we got back to my flat we ended up having a few more drinks and talking until the small hours about everything, just getting to know each other. We must have been quite drunk cos somehow we ended up acknowledging this amazing spark between us. At this point we both felt very out of control, that we'd crossed a line and that it was wrong for him to stay, so we hugged and then he got a (hideously expensive) taxi home.

What do you think I should do now? My wedding is arranged for this summer. Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long.

Cumbria - you need to go for counselling now. You chose to end that relationship, it makes sense that your exP is unlikely to want you back, you probably hurt him. BUT you have done him an enormous favour, by the sounds of it - now do YOURSELF one and stop moping about him!! Start every day with a smile at yourself in the mirror - if you look in the mirror and see a hangdog miserable expression, it's only going to make you feel unattractive and reinforce your negativity - and then you're going to carry that face around with you all day. Other people are going to see that face and steer clear of it in case you bring them down as well - so paste on a smile and change your outlook.
Then - make arrangements to go out with the friends again - you have allowed your self-doubt to deprive you of a valuable resource there and are creating a self-destructive pattern that is going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy unless you DO something about it. 30 is young! Yes, your biological clock is ticking - but you have a few years yet to find a man who you actually want to be with and have a family with - get on with it instead of looking backwards! I didn't meet DH until I was 35, and if it hadn't been for the peculiar way our relationship had to be conducted for the first few years, I daresay we would have got married and had DC earlier than we did (he was doing a degree in Australia and could only come to the UK in his holidays - mature student, I'm not a complete cradle-snatcher!).

So you have time on your side BUT you have to maximise your opportunities, instead of sitting around looking miserable and hankering for things past that you can't have any more.

MMB - sorry to continue the hijack but actually my advice will also affect you if you decide to make the break (as I really think you should).

I know exactly what you mean, as someone who always wanted children, those articles cut like a knife. But they're no reason to marry the wrong man. Yes, you are more fertile at 21 than at 41. But people do have babies at 41 and you're miles off that! Think back to how you felt about yourself 4 years ago. That seems pretty young, right? Well it's no time at all and that's as true forwards as it is backwards. You may meet your husband in a year, two years. You'll still be marrying young. When I went for my fitting for my wedding dress at 32 the lady in the shop said all her brides were 32!

Cumbria, despite my own situation and the problems I am facing, I REALLY think you made the right choice and I believe that you are going through a difficult and painful time which is ultimately going to bring you so many rewards - for example, happiness in yourself and confidence in your ability to make yourself happy.

Please stay strong and soon you will stop hankering after your old partner, I really beleive that xx

*believe

MMB any further thoughts today?

Hi jasper thanks for checking up on me...

Well I've been gone from my flat since Monday night after an emotional but civil and calm conversation with fiance (his last words to me: "cycle safely, try to eat something, don't forget your phone charger," he's sooo sweet).

I am just finding it impossible to feel anything at all. I am happy living with my friend. She lives in a big shared house with lots of nice, cheerful people I already know and there MAY be the possibility of a permanent room for me there (though haven't broached this properly yet as feel it's too soon).

I'm in her their spare room - she says I can stay as long as I like - obviously don't want to outstay my welcome though.

Obviously I feel sick at the thought of telling people, cancelling the wedding/honeymoon etc and of course absolutely mortified when I think about how my fiance is suffering.

But the truth is I just don't want to go back to my life with him and I just want to be single.

Going to give it a few more days. So far it's almost seemed too easy and maybe I haven't had a reality check yet about the enormity of this decision.

Cumbria are you still around?

Then please please dont go back.

You CAN NOT go through with a marriage just because stopping the bus and getting off will cause hurt to another.

Your life is not a living sacrifice to him, no matter how lovely a person he is

MMB, have just read this whole thread and I absolutely think you are doing the right thing.

Your relationship with your fiance sounds very like mine with my ex - I met him when I was about 23, and while I've never been the serial monogomist type, at the time I was bouncing from one fling to another and in a rather wobbly emotional state. He was a lot older than me and still is one of the nicest, kindest guys I've ever met. We were together for three years and it seemed like a perfect relationship - we never (and I mean never) argued, bought a flat together, he did loads of cooking and housework, I got on really well with his family, yada yada yada... We were best friends, enjoyed doing the same things; we had little issues (like him spending too much time on the computer) but from the time we got together I always knew that this was the man I would marry.

But - and this is a big but - after about a year and a half we basically stopped having sex. There had been a spark at the start, but it didn't last that long. It was all on his side - I did everything I could to try to get him interested in me again, but it's really devastating to be with someone who is constantly rejecting you in that way. I tried nagging him, having conversations, just leaving him alone to stop him feeling pressured, suggested he see his GP - but he just wasn't interested. In the end it was just like living with a friend and I knew that I had to end it.

Breaking up was terribly sad but he did agree that it was the right thing to do - I think he knew as well as I did that things weren't right but didn't want to be the one to bring things to a head.

Anyway, I'm now 28 and have absolutely no doubt that it was the right decision to make. We had to keep on living together for a while because of the time it took to sort out the flat etc, but as soon as I moved out I just felt free again. Like you said, I think if you're in a relationship without that spark parts of you just shut down, and you only realise once you're out of that situation that you've been denying all of these desires and feelings that start opening up again.

I'm currently single and happy that way. I'm grateful that I had that time with my ex, because now I know what a good relationship should be like. I definitely think that you should spend some time on your own, and if you could move into your friend's house that would probably be a good move; it's nice to have other people around to talk to in the evenings after work, especially if you're used to living with a partner. And spend more time hanging out with those of your friends that aren't making crappy relationship decisions because they're too scared of the alternative.

Mammoth post, sorry. I hope you find some of it helpful though.

Thank you steamedtreacle - that sounds very familiar and it's really reassuring that you both now feel it was for the best and that you have been able to move on.

This is so strange but ever since I left my flat on Monday, I haven't been able to feel sad.

I actually feel free and light. I feel a bit like the human equivalent of a room that's been shut up for ages, and now someone's come in, opened the curtains and windows and let the sun and a breeze in.

Don't know if that sounds mental.

Either this feels easy because it's right, or I'm still in massive denial about my actions.

But I feel in my heart that I have "fixed" something, rather than "broken" it.

Tonight after work I am going to read this whole thread through from start to finish and try to make sense of it all. Then if I still feel the same way I am going to ask my friend about the room in her house.

Thank you so much to everyone out there who has held my hand and helped me to make sense of all this. I know compared to some other threads it is not such a massive drama but to me it is a really big deal and I've really appreciated the support I've found here.

I think you feel like that because this is the right decision for you and everything is falling into place.

I am excited for you for what the future holds.

MMB, I have just read this whole thread.

What you have said in your last post says to me that you have done exactly the right thing.

That feeling you have, with the open window and the breeze? That's freedom.

I'm excited for you!

I've been reading your thread with interest. Just wondering how people would deal with the same situation but with a 2yr old?

peas do you mean a two year old whose father you are engaged to but don't want to marry?

I am still around. I have had the worst week of my life, to the point where I think I am having a nervous breakdown. I feel really lonely and scared.

MMB - when I moved out I also moved in with a friend and I had a great time. We chatted together every night, watched tv and I felt like I had a new lease of life. Now I wish I had moved out and been on my own in that "thinking period" because it was so fun wiht my friend I didn't really stop and think about the consequences of my actions.

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling like this Cumbria. Can I ask, where are you living now, i.e. still with friends, on your own or with family?
How are other things in your life, e.g. Do you enjoy your job, do you feel supported by your social network etc?
I really appreciate that you are trying to stop me from making the same "mistake" you feel you have (I'm not convinced it was a mistake but I guess only you can judge that). But to be perfectly honest I find it hard to believe that you are this low and on the verge of breakdown because of this man (who you chose to leave - you must have wanted to), and this man alone. Are there other difficult things going on in your life that are making you feel insecure and alone?
You have made me question myself though. Especially as, although I'm trying to put it out of my mind, I'm still obsessing about the OM which was Not The Plan... And I'm worried I can't think properly about my fiancé while my judgment is clouded like this.
It's all so hard isn't it?

Cumbria - Hope you are getting some support from those around you. Reech out if you aren't and try and stay stong :) We're thinking of you. Not sure if anyone has asked already (sorry if they have) are you getting any help from a counsellor? It has been a lifeline for me.

MMB - Cumbria makes a very impotant point, that several others have made already, time alone is possibly the biggest issue for you and may well prove to be the biggest test given your tendencies to avoid time on you own (in relationships or otherwise). The sooner this starts, the better. Good luck.

Yes, I absolutely hate being on my own but I need to work out what that's all about and get over it, otherwise I fear I will continue to give my heart away to any trustworthy, reliable sort of man who comes my way and decides he likes me. And from everything i've read here, I don't think that's sustainable.

I just hate the "invisible" feeling of being alone, like you could disappear and no one would notice. Also hate the feeling that no one's "got my back". My fiancé puts a hottie in the bed for me and my socks on the radiator for the morning. :) I can't marry him though, I just can't.

I am living in a bedsit by myself at the moment. I have never been particularly domestic and so am not bothered that it's not a palace, but it's very small (one room and a loo) so I feel as though I go stir crazy staring at the same walls.

I have leaned on a few friends but I sense they are getting tired of it all now. One of them mentioned they were going hiking this weekend. When I asked if I could come along, they said "only if you're in a better mood than before Christmas". It crushed me. I feel so alone.

I really and truly am this state because of man. Or - more precisely - because of me. Because I wrecked my perfectly good life. I can't see how to moe forward.

I have thought about GP/Counsellor but I am not sure it's my thing. But I guess I don't have many options left.

I actually feel that by setting my fiancé "free", I am doing a service for womankind, he is such an absolute love.

Sorry x post Cumbria. I think you are depressed and need to see a gp asap. I have been depressed before and been on medication for three periods in my life. But I didn't feel they ever helped me long-term - I always ended up in a relationship mess and back to square one. Then the last time I went to my gp in desperation ( a few years ago now), he referred me to a group which practiced mindfulness based cbt. It changed my life. I then had the opportunity to do another course on mindfulness meditation which was equally amazing. To be honest I didn't think it would be my thing either but I am evangelical about it now as it has given me so many tools for managing my emotions. Not saying this is what you should do but just go see a gp and talk through some options. Don't get talked into drugs if you don't want them, although they might be helpful. And if you're not happy with the outcome, ask to see another Doctor. (I had a gp who spent an hour trying to convert me to Christianity when I was in tears! He said no wonder I was unhappy when I'd moved so far from Jesus! He's been struck off now.)

I am afraid I one of life's hardened cynics and very sceptical of anything I deem vaguely "happy clappy" . However, I don't really want to get embroiled in taking medication so perhaps it is something I need to consider.

MMB - I wish you best of luck in your decision and its outcome. I hope you'll make the right one and will keep us all posted. As others have said, if this is what you really want you are saving you and your fiance lots of heart ache further down the line.

Hmm I do sympathise with the resistance to the happy clappy but it may be time for a rethink! I guess it depends if you consider learning about anxiety and other negative emotions and how they can affect you in ways you are unaware of as happy clappy - there was certainly no clappy and, tbh, not a great deal of happy at my class! :) You need to do what's right for you but you might need to think outside the box if you want to move on from where you are now. Good luck - it is so hard to see a way out when you are so mired in unhappiness. But at least see your gp - it's only a 10 min appt and easy to arrange - and if you chicken out at the last minute you can always pretend to have a sore throat or something! (not that I'm advocating wasting gp's time of course!)

Making my bed- I think the way you are feeling now is such an incredibly clear sign of the rightness of your decision. To contrast- I broke up with my long term boyfriend (now my DH) briefly when we were going through a bad patch. I was ok straight after and talking to people etc. But when I went to bed I did not sleep at all and just felt the worst emotional pain of my life- that it was all so wrong and that I'd destroyed something wonderful. Everything felt empty and bleak until we were back together again- compare and contrast! Trust your instincts- I don't think you're in denial I just think you are not mourning a true love. I would stay in the shared house if I was you- if you live alone you could end up doubting what is without question the right decision from all I've read here. But spend time alone and don't rush into anything with the OM- keep him as a daydream for now.
Cumbria- I would definitely seek help. There are lots of different types and you can find one to suit you.

x post with a few threads above...