Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

[KateonMN]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

hello suff-i followed your other thread am sorry how things turned out but how dare he say he tried to make it work ! no wonder your furious.
Slightly-I think you should probably do what tea said as dd would rather hear it from you then someone else.Yes in a way it does not matter what has been going on but its nice to know for peace of mind.Although it hurt like hell when i found out about OW it made everything make sense,all those months i thought i was paranoid mad,i still wish H would tell me more about how it happend etc but he just drip feeds me small things he wants to.
Dev-how are you doing?
Have been concentrating on myself ,healthy eating exercising trying to get myself in a stronger place so i can close myself off from H.

Spook I only found out bits along the way,he lied and denied the whole way thru.But u don't need folk telling u gossip and hearsay.
Once the respect and trust is gone ,ur right,u just concentrate on u & dcs.
Wishing u an X free home soon x
Suff, baby steps, big hugs ,this pain shall pass and make way for a new life for you ,sending u strength and peace x.

Waves to fairy. Well done.,positive step sound fab

SMS, I do hope those hideous rumours are unfounded. You have got so much to cope with. Please go easy on yourself. I made XP tell ds age 9 that he left because he had another girlfriend. DS understood perfectly and realised it was wrong. He blamed his dad 100% but has now forgiven him. It was very hard though. I insisted that I was not blamed in any way. Unfortunately, XP has developed this theme into pure martyrdom. He comes up on my phone as "St. M*** the Martyr" just to remind me not to take him seriously.
Fairy, glad you feel like looking after yourself. That is such a good sign. Exercise is great for releasing those endorphins.
Hi, Suff. I could never bring myself to click on your first thread. I didn't think I knew anything at all about how a relationship survives such devastation. I'm sorry you find yourself here but you're in good company. I'm 9 months from discovery of affair. Like your H, he denied it was still going on. So I'm actually only 4 months from discovering the bare bones of the truth. That further 5 months of being lied to was more damaging than the affair.
I'm tired of this rollercoaster now. Just when I think it's over there's another little twist.
Hi to Dev, Tea, Patience, Romney and everyone.

TBH I really don;'t think they can be true....or at least if they are XP isn't yet aware that it is (heading) for a 3 way relationship. The only time he ever sees them both together is in a bigger social group. All his other contact is soley with her whilst he is at work. And I genuinely believe that XP thiks his relationship is just with her. Or if there is anything going on there is a relationship with her which he thinks OWDH doesn't know about

But then I think about things....and some things fit that idea. The fact that he doesn't want me to talk to OWDH may because he is protecting me from further truths and not her marriage? The fact that XP panicked after I had spoken to OW...panicked that she might have said something specific. I dunno. I guess you could make all sorts of things fit all sorts of scenario's if you try.

Anyway. My house is a tip. I am struggling with motivation to get out of bed and I have a pile of studying and revision to fit in between now and tomorrow afternoon.

This whole thing is just a mess.

Oh and I might have to disappear from this thread for a couple of days.....you might find someone familar still haunting you though

Big hugs spook,just try not to put ur energies into negative stuff u don't know is true,it wears u down and uve enough goin on x

Oh and I meant to say...hi Sufficient...hae skimmed your first thread and soooo much of it strikes a cord with me....

3 months after meeting her was when he first started to tell me he was unhappy with our own relationship. Well he was showing no sign of being unhappy with our relationship before they met - veen though he now claims he was...and I don't deny that there may have been things that weren't right but they didn't become issues until he started to bond with her. He is jsut trying to justify what has happened to himself I think.

Slightly - where you going and who will haunt us?

Suff - I felt that way too about the other thread but actually think now that I could join as I have moved to a better place at the present, but being the worrier that I am I worry about dropping back so am holding off till I know it's not only a superficial feeling but her to stay, old cliche Suff it takes time and time heals!! Hated hearing it when I was so low but it really is true.

Fairy and Dev how you doing?

Just keep the haunting in teh back of your mind for when I disappear...will make sense then

It should have said I am going to diappear in a few days and not For a few days.

Elsie, I'm so sorry it happened to you too :( It is more damaging, if only because it shows you how little your H thinks of you. Thinking about the affair, I could kind of tell myself that H could pretend, could ignore the consequences, just got caught up in his own little fantasy bubble. But since I found out? Since he saw what it did to me, how completely destroyed I was, how much I was desperately trying to fix things and love him and change and make this work? That he could see all that in front of his face, and still carry on, that is what kills me now.

Hi patience, fairy. spook I'm sorry you're having to deal with this horrifying scenario

Oh, and no 6) in my moving on list, H has to stop asking me what I want?!? I know he's not stupid, I know he knows that things with him and OW don't have a future, are not going to go anywhere good. But he's not going to really believe that or act on it, he'll just wait until their relationship ends in tears, and come crawling back, and still want me to be there waiting for him.

Ha and bloody ha, not likely mate.

D'oh.

Yeah....I am predicting 4 months down te line XP will start grooming me for a comeback when he realises he can't afford life on his own in preperation for his 6 month lease to run out.

And given OW is still married there is unlikely to be anything long term there if it is a 2 way relationship and if the rumours turn out to be true it ain't gonna last much longer either before they move on to the next family of victims.

There's a lot to be said for sitting back and watching them destroy themselves. But when it's someone you love(ed) it's quite painful.

Spook my little girl is now age 3 but was only 2 and a quarter when we separated. To begin with I simply said ?mummy and daddy, do not live together anymore, but daddy loves you very much and will come and see you lots and lots? The love you part really stuck in my throat at the time tbh. However now I have explained to her as she?s older a tiny bit more about the fact we used to live together, daddy was my prince but we fought too much and now we live separately etc. However his relationship has always been so volatile with the OW and unstable (well to me) that I?ve never mentioned he has a new girlfriend. I also asked for him not to introduce her until their relationship was getting really serious. Their relationship is now breaking down funnily enough. I?ve talked about it a little on the dumpling no more thread. I think Elsie?s suggestions for a 9 year old are spot on though. However it?s up to you how much detail you give. What you think they can cope with and what you feel will bring them peace in your situation. As all our situations are different.

Hello Sufficient, feel free to make yourself at home here, you?re very welcome. Sounds a bit like my situation with my ExH, who I desperately wanted to work things out with when separated who tried to convince me the affair was over and I spent months trying to win him back to discover the affair had never ended 5 months after separation. It?s very painful. They?re also so good at re-writing history and trying to make things sound better to friends. My ExH told ridiculous lies to mutual friends, ultimately it made him look daft though as the truth will out! The dumpling no more thread was set up just because a lot of us on here had been separated for 2 years/ 18 months and we weren?t in the same place anymore really. However if this thread is ever quiet just jump on there if you need somebody to chat to. Always welcome. Besides even us ladies on there still struggle with things, Romney you?re welcome on there anytime.

Fairy glad you?re gaining fabulosity and taking care of yourself. That?s a big step on the path to recovery. I still struggle to eat properly

Spook hope you find the focus to study today, how come you might be leaving the thread? Or did I misread that? It?s ok to dip in and out when life gets busy, we all do here x

I have to say despite my ExH?s relationship coming to an end, I do not want him back, so I hope you ladies all get to that place too. The end of a relationship is a bit like the grief cycle I found: shock, denial, anger and guilt, despair and depression, acceptance. But it?s a wonderfully liberated feeling when true detachment comes from them. You will all get there. It?s a hard road but we will all come out of it as better people than our Ex?s.

I cannot open this thread on my mobile phone now and have to come on the PC to read it and post. So I'd quite like to start a new thread? How does that sound to you lot?

Conversation with my X the other night was all about him easing his conscience .I was just nodding along thinking ur a twat!
He has burnt his bridges with me because I would NEVER have him back,I agree Suff,the shock/denial is when the man u love and trust the most watches u suffer but feels justified to carry on his behaviour.

Fine by me Tea....

What is ur situation now Suff,do u have to see him regularly,forgive me not got time to read other thread,in summary is he just another selfish bastard ,full of self entitlement ?

Hi Patience, the situation is he left three weeks ago, is staying in a friend's flat about 20-30 minutes walk away so pretty close still. Although he's spending most nights with the OW, when she doesn't have her daughter I imagine

He wants to come over all the time, 4 nights last week! But I said no, he can come over 2 nights and see them one day at the weekend. I go out when he's here on those weekdays, and I make him take them out so he's not playing happy families in the house with them at the weekend.

He still wants me to say I still love him, still want him. He sends me emails about how he doesn't know what is the matter with him, how he knows he's not right yadda yadda. Reading from solost's H's script! Just wants to keep me hanging so if/when things with OW don't work out, he'll have me waiting. Ugh.

How do you find him seeing your DCs Sufficient. You say you go out.

"Our" origonal plan was that he would collect them from school 4 days a week and take them back to his flat for an hour until I get in, and then have them over night 2 nights every other weekend.

However, having had a big bust up, and hearing the new rumours I really don't want DCs to have anything to do with OW family. So I want to reduce this. I am going to be proposing that I will send them to kids club so he doesn't have to do school run (because school rujn will involve her as he will be living 2 minutes around corner and she lives between his flat and my house!), and then adjusting what he does at weekend. I don't want him to have them overnight. I don't trust him not to involve them with OWs family. I want to suggest that he can come herre to see them for a couple of hours on a Sunday or similar, but think that is me being mean. I just don't trust him not to take them off use them as an excuse to see OW IYSWIM.

Just get ur visitation boundaries in place as soon as u can.Spook ,clubs sound good for ur independence ,not relying on him.do whatever is less stress for u.dont ever feel u have to do anything to suit him,he has to sort out locations for visits ,not ur problem ladies.

But I don't know what the boundaries shoudl be in order to retain my sanity and retain any sense fo fairness to both DDs and XP :(

Your right it is not my problem where he hosts the visists unless it involves her! And at the moment the only way I feel I can prevent that is by insisting it is in my house.

I remember thinking wtfs a boundary LOL.
You will be fine spook ,basically now my X isn't in my home .he stopped visiting the kids in my home when he told me he was talking to girl back in August.don't do overnight stays cos of his drinking.But he isn't interested apart from odd Sunday taking them swimming,so my situation is different.