Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

[KateonMN]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

romney-am still lurking.Am living in limbo land i feel,H giving me hugely mixed messages,not sure if he is confused himself or just stringing me along for the easy life,all i know is that i am not strong enough to just walk away

I think starting my thread on mumsnet and hearing all the advice helped harden my resolve to start divorce proceedings with ExH and walk away but I still wavered. It's really hard at this stage Fairy.

How is everyone tonight?

Fairy - dont live in limbo for too long, its for you to make the decisions, I lived in limbo for 8 weeks until my H decided he wanted to give the OW a chance. I cant even remember those two months they passed in a blur with me trying to jump through hoops and making him see what he was going to throw away.

You have to do whats right for you but dont wait too long this will stop you trying to move on.

Hi Tea, how are you, I do lurk on the other thread.

Fairy, there you are! How is H giving you mixed messages?

I lived in limbo for 5 months, that was enough for me and mumsnet helped me end the limbo. God bless them.

What is he doing that's making it confusing?

Hello all,i know i should just get on and do whats right for me and not give hima second thought.Its not like he is begging to come back,grovelling or even stopped seeing OW.He says he does not want to divorce and at the moment he thinks its to early to even think about that,puts obstacles in the way when i try to put any space between us eg being in seperate rooms when he visits,getting me to come to park with them etc.He teases/flirts when here and sends me flirty texts but nothing too full on more jokey,tells me about how relationship with ow is not great,hardley see each other etc.I think he just likes the easy life and stringing me along ,keeps me being nice and accomadating to him.

He is def keeping u hooked in incase gf falls thru ,but he is showing his true colours at least u can see what a scumbag he is.

yes patience thats what i think he is doing or just enjoying how things are,nice and easy and wanting them to stay that way.

Its not likely that he wants to give up the single mans life fairy.Instead he would keep u hooked in for possible fumble if gf dumps him b4 he finds another one.
Sorry if that sounds hurtful ,just keep ur eyes wide open.
What difference would divorce mean to him ?

Exactly what i asked about the divorce,i dont understand its not like he would be financially worse off.
I just need to start feeling anger for him and get tough with him.

Hi all

Night out was great! was left feeling really sad when my friend went home though.
I got so much male attention it was wierd, I saw a few old faces and met some new friends, I danced for hours and it was amazing!

Ex (who will now be known as AH (asshole) has again neglected to see the children, im trying to tell myself its his loss but this is harder to do at times.

I am missing man company at the moment and would really like 2 big muscly arms to scoop me up and make me feel safe.

I would just look into it Fairy and slowly get things moving as the petitioner. It brought me a lot of closure and peace to start it I found. But maybe that's just me. I couldn't bare to live in limbo any longer. Everyone's different though and their situation.

X post bumsquash that sounded like a great night out

Advice needed from you wise people.

DD tells me that H keeps dropping into conversations thet the next time we go bowling, swimming perhaps tart,slapperOW son could come? Or we could all go to the funfair or take the dogs for a walk.

The dog is now officially my dog and is the same dog that when me and DD were away last week skiing and the house sitter phoned to say the dog was unwell - when i phoned DH selfish bast* H and said can you go round and see what has happened said just tell the housesitter to take dog to the vets!

DD tells me she has no desire to do anything with the OW or her children but feels that she is being pressurised and that Daddy is angry with her. Today when she left for school and i was packing a bag with clothes ( he is seeing her from school) she asked to take her phone with her just in case she needs to contact me.

I have said that she doesnt have to spend any time with the tart, slapper OW or her children unless she wants to and given the amount of arguments that they are apparently having it feels far too premature to play happy familiies.

But am i being unreasonable? i am tempted to have a word in his ear tomorrow and tell him to stop it.

i recognise that she is probably picking up my signals but have tried to be very fair with him and encourage her to see and speak to him.

Views welcome.

Hi Dev
Personally, I think it's way too soon to be introducing new partners but part of detaching is accepting that you no longer have any say in your ex's life and you cannot influence his decisions. Your dd's time with her dad is very precious and she shouldn't have to share it if she doesn't want to. However, he won't listen to you saying that so if you want him to get that message it would be best to come from someone else.
I totally understand your distress though. The OW will never, ever see my ds but my situation is a little different. She has signed a legal document agreeing never to approach my 3 children . The thought of her anywhere near my dc makes me feel physically sick.
I hope your H sees sense. He is playing at happy families when he needs to be repairing his relationship with dd.

Thanks Elsie- i would dearly love to get him to listen to someone else - in fact i suggetsed this a couple of weeks ago as my concern is that he feels that he has lost a lot of friends and the only people he is associating with are her immoral posse of female anyman is availablefriends.

I will see what DD says when she comes back as to whther he has been pressurising her again but iof there is noone else then i think that i will have to say something.

I would approach his Dad bu he had a heart attack about 6 weeks ago and i dont want to stress him anymore than he is already with what his son has done.

She shouldn't be feeling pressured. He should be respecting her wishes. I've just been reading a book on assertiveness as my MIL constantly pushes and pushes about various things and I find the pressure very stressful. This book has some excellent tactics in it, perhaps it's worth a buy? I'm finding it very helpful. Then at least your DD will have some tricks up her sleeve when she's not with you. It is too early and if she doesn't want to, she shouldn't have to. This situation has been thrust on her and it's already hard enough seeing OW at school etc. You're not being unreasonable at all.

Thanks Tea- i think he is being unreasonable and it is so hard as i want DD to have a positive relationship with her father as i do with mine.

we have done a bit of role playing - me pretending to be her Daddy so she can practice being assertive which i think helps. She is only 8 - nearly 9 but she knows her own mind and honestly has no desire to spend time with them as a familygroup.

I want to be fair though and not influence her against him - if they are still together in ayears time things may be different but how do you deal with the fact that the POW has a totally differenty code of conduct and morals to me- i am not a snob just protective of my lovely daughter.

dev- i think you are being very fair its dd who is saying she does not want to see her and her dad needs to put her needs and feelings above his desire to play happy families with the OW.

can I come in? recently dumped by h of 12 years, we were together for 16 years, youngest DC is just 11 months

he declared last Oct that he was no longer in love with me..I discovered that he was texting a female work colleague and chatting up an ex GF on facebook..

stayed together until a couple of weeks ago when I asked him to leave..we were just coasting and tbh..I think my mental health would have suffered if I had stayed with him..he confessed to deep feelings for female colleague...I know that when Im ready there is someone oit there who will love and respect me..but I am coming to terms with it all and actually in a way..looking forward to being single

Welcome memorylapse, like your strength and well done for realising you deserve so much more in life than someone who can threat you badly.

Say what you want on here one of the ladies who have moved on well will always pop in and give excellent advice.

Memory - sorry to hear your news but you sound very strong and positive. You are welcome here and it never ceases to amaze me of the duplicity and stupidity of some people. Everyone here will support you as they have done with me - it has been a lifeline.

"how do you deal with the fact that the POW has a totally differenty code of conduct and morals to me- i am not a snob just protective of my lovely daughter."

No idea as I'm the same tbh, my DD is only age 3 but I'm fiercely protective of her in every way. I hated the thought of OW having anything to do with my DD as she has the morals of a sewer rat.

You're sounding remarkably together considering the circumstances. We're a lovely bunch, make yourself at home. It's a great place to vent/ chat with people who truly understand how it feels.

ML can u link ur thread here? Glad u feel ur world is urs now.its sore in places but the best thing that ever happened to me.I know whatever happens he didn't appreciate me for who I am so its great I'm single again x