Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

[KateonMN]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

Thinking about it - marriage will the next step. On holiday when he first said he didn't have the same feelings for me...his actual words were "I looked at you...and I don't want to marry you anymore"

So, he obviously had been looking at her and thinking he does.

She's welcome to the prick...and she seems to have a habit of collecting Fiancés

And he's going the right way to collect ex-wives, Kate. He's got a way with words aswell, hasn't he? Anyway, I hope your girls had a good weekend despite the very contrived circumstances.

Kate This must be so hard for you. They obviously have no sense of shame or propriety but you seem to be dealing v well with it all. Dignity is the best way to go. You just don't deserve this and he is and probably always was unworthy of you.

Fairy Going to see a solicitor is a big step for many reasons so go when you feel up to it mentally. I have an appointment on Thursday and our split started mid October. Actually i'm not ready to think about divorce proceedings yet but I need to know v soon what we will do about the house. My plan is to move back to Ireland to my family so we need to sort out whether to cut our losses and sell or hold out for a bit. We had an argument about it last week but it has settled again. This house no longer feels like home to me. Sometimes I look at all the diy we did and all the personal touches it has and I think 'How the hell could he destroy so casually what we worked so hard towards?' but there you go-he did.

Since he is still staying with a pal he comes here a lot to see the boys and although i need the help he irritates me so much and is never in a hurry to go. Its not ideal so i might start suggesting he comes just twice a week that way the boys will get more used to it gradually too.
Funny how time does alter your perspective. Initially I was mortified about what neighbours would think/say now I couldn't give a hoot. I still struggle slightly with the word divorce. When i see or hear it i just think of a blade slicing something in two although I will mention a well to the sol cos i'd hate to unexpectedly snuff it and let x just get my share of the house. It even took me a while before I could bring myself to phone the tax credits people too. I felt like i'd done something wrong! Anyway i have sorted that out as well. It does take time and these are all big emotional hurdles to get over but as I do each one i feel more and more warrior like!

Last night i booked v cheap flights to Brittany for the summer hols on a whim! Anyway i know there are fab campsites all over the area so i'll sort that out later! I'm so excited.
Good night everyone.

I meant will not well

maybe glad to hear about the holiday. It's lovely to have something to look forward to.

Because he told me he didn't feel the same on the 2nd day of our holiday to an isolated cottage on the cliffs in Scotland (my favourite place in the world...yes, he ruined it for me)

I felt like I had no holiday this year...just a fortnight filled with tears and pain..and a big fake fucking smile for the girls.

I left (he'd not told me about the OW - but i suspected but still hoped for a reconciliation) and I don't drive, so one of the things I was obsessing about was never being able to take the girls on the sort of holiday that we all love (middle of nowhere, just beachcombing and long walks!)

So, as a way of moving on..I got out a map, and basically looked for a beach town on the route from my local train station.

Found a town, then was just googling for cottages...and the first result said said "Ideal for a car free holiday and 5 mins walk to beach" !!!!

It was lady luck keeping an eye on her own

So, it's not a cottage in the wilds of bonnie scotland but me and the girls are going for a week in Scarborough! And I am looking forward to doing it on the train...and doing it by myself with my girls.

L:)

Kate - they are not that as wise with their words as they think are they ? I got 'You don't understand me - I want to be with someone who understands me' -I didn't know there was anyone else at the time but of course if you are just unhappy in your marriage and there is no-one else you are not thinking about 'someone' are you ? You should most likely just be in pieces your marriage is coming to an end not 'insert name - someone'

Anyway funnily enough I have heard it said by others on here too - one of they first things that I thought when he walked out was the no family holidays - or ever going away again too - I think I looked to the future (once he had gone ) with more rose tinted glasses than when we were together ie chances are we would not have gone on millions of holidays but once he was gone it seemed like a massive chunk of our future had been stolen whereas actually it would have only been a week or 2 a year hmm anyway good on you for sorting that. I bet you will have a brilliant time where ever you are as I imagine it will be about much more than where you stay - like an opportunity to bond with your girls on your first solo holiday together- sounds fab.

I have 3 long weekends with friends and DCs coming up that I would never have been invited on If was still smugly married so really happy that such lovely people are around to do these things with ...I guess I just thought people may want to spend less time with me doing stuff like that as there is no longer a cosy even number of people or a bloke to talk to the husband whilst I chat to my mates etc but it hasn't been the case at all thank goodness .

That sounds lovely Kate and so 'meant to be' as you found it so easily.
Clouded I'm glad you have weekend trips to look forward to.

I went on a single parent camping holiday to France when ds1 was almost 2. That was 7 years ago before we got it together again and split 2nd time. Anyway I had a ball and met some fab singletons all bringing up kids on their own and doing their best with it. It was such a laugh and so many good stories (featuring occasionally but not starring our evil xs) over wine at night!

However I have since travelled on my own with the boys and sometimes you do end up having interesting chats and encounters with people you might miss if you're in a cosy couple. It can be a much more unpredictable experience. When I brought my son to Edinburgh overnight in Dec all I could think was 'oh you fool you are missing out so much.' (x I mean)
Anyway here's to lots of fine adventures with our kids.

Good morning ladies. I spent the day with older dc's yesterday and I have got to tell you my news: I'M GOING TO BE A GRANDMA!!! My lovely dd is pregnant, not planned but she is coming round to the idea of being a mum.

It rather puts the dampners on the finances as I have money tied up in her property which I could do with right now. But, we'll muddle through it all somehow. I'm so excited .

Is it just me getting random ads playing out loud on my laptop about limescale etc !!!!

Congratulations LC Lovely news :)

Hmmm Getting no ads here, I'd clear your internet history/ cookies and set up a pop up blocker too.

Lurking but too tired to respond properely today

Congrats LC, lovely news

Wow! what news!! LC :)

Keep looking at my eldest and thinking...I'm not ready to be a nana yet!!!

Congrats Lc x

Aw LC - how exciting and fab.

Kate - words really fail me. What a car crash life he is leading. And her - urghhh how can she sleep in your bed etc - dignity, sensitivity out the window etc

Getting - I have snatches of music on my laptop -suspect they are from ad music which came on my Dell laptop but dont know how to stop and dont want to clear my cookies as I dont think its that and hate losing all my automatic logins. Hmmmm -what to do.

Kate and Maybee Glad to hear the positives about holidays on your own!

CV Good points about holidays on your own too. Glad you are getting invites from lovely people. Especially in your situation with baby its nice to have someone there to ease the siuation a bit sometimes

Well going out for dinner for business purposes tonight so looking forward to that. So rarely go out for dinner now its good to look forward to.

Waves to everyone else

congratulations lc

I was thinking if getting's children use the laptop there's an awful lot of cookies and things sitting there which may have something to do with it, depending on what sites they visit. I also use Mozilla Firefox not Internet Explorer. Although I've heard good things about Google Chrome. Having to re-enter passwords if you liked them all saved is a pain, but I do find deleting cookies rather fab at solving problems on my PC.

I'm so tired, and the nursery teacher wants to talk to me after, as apparently I seem a little confused about how changes of clothes work if they have an accident and something else Not the wording I'd have chosen as no one has said anything to me about it, so I do the same as pre school and take a change of clothes with me for DD, but they sent her home in some of their own last time, that I then had to wash and remember to return. I did tell another teacher in there that's what I do and she didn't say anything to the contrary to me but instead must've told the other teacher. I don't understand why the first teacher couldn't have just told me at the time. As I couldn't speak to DD's teacher as she's always on lunch when I drop her off. I think I must be feeling paranoid/ sensitive at this new nursery thing though, I'm also feeling grumpy today, no idea why either. DD has tried my patience this morning though. Maybe it's the dark dreary weather too...? Just feeling a bit down and fed up. Not really half as bad as what some of you are having to go through so I don't know why I'm droning on

Hugs Tea - I think its hard when teachers speak to you -Ive had a lot of it the last few years and some got me down!

Get yourself to bed tonight with a little treat before.

Have you chatted to any other mums about it?

No it only just happened as I dropped DD off at 12:15. Maybe as I worry about what they think and creating a good first impression it doesn't help. She'd only been going since last Weds. I'm going to have a lie down whilst DS is asleep and DD is at pre school as my head hurts.

Hi Tea, hope you've straightened things out with the teacher.

Fairy, how a re you feeling today?

Thanks to everyone for the messages of congratulations.

tea-am sure its nothing may be crossed wires?hope your head clears up.
lc-thanks for asking,think i am getting worse not better but tablets will take a while to kick in,swing from feeling total sickness thinking about what he has done to empty heartache at what i have lost,not so much him but the situation of having a husband.Keep thinking how stupid i was ,all the things were screaming out affair but i let him explain it away because i needed it not to be true.just feel so sick and empty,not helped by the trip to the clinic this morn to get myself checked out,just cant believe this mess is my life.

LC - thats fantastic new, 2011 is looking up for new experiences for you LC.

Fairy - we have all been as low as you are feeling right now and it really is time, its such a hard road to travel, but we are here to help as much as we can. I still have very low days, but I can see that light at the end of the tunnel, its still a long way away but I will reach it and so will you fairy. Just take it one day at a time. I had an awful day yesterday but I thought tomorrow will be better.

Ive just had my first bit of good news for 2011 both my DC finished their degrees and have both been looking for work in their chosen fields, and my DS was told last monday he had been successful at his interview and started today, and my DD got told today she has got her (hopefully) dream job too. Just got a text from my ExH (their father) congratulating me on how great they are and how good a job I have done in bringing them up, and that I should be very proud, actually made me smile.

Fairy - As Romney says - we have all been where you are and wondered why we didn't see the signs. I think I probably speak for most of us on here when I say that discovery of the affair and subsequent collapse of marriage/relationship catapulted us all into a world that we never knew existed (or knew existed but had no experience of). All you did was want to trust the person in your life that you should have been able to trust above all others - there is certainly nothing to feel stupid about - why should you have assumed that he would go against what he promised to do ? And how should you have known exactly what to look for ? Having spent the last 15 months on MN and now being aware of the script that they all seem to buy and follow then I would like to think I would spot the signs the second anything changed in our relationship and I bet you would too - but please don't feel stupid, or blame yourself for it happening - And when you confronted him and he lied - well my H saying nothing was going on was enough for me to believe him as, up until that point he had always been my lovely H and had never to my knowledge lied to me so why would you not believe them ? Its taken me a long time to stop doing this but I am realising that it's his (and generally their) issue not the decent women they had children with.

Oh and the having a husband thing - Yes it took me a long time to get my head round not having a husband.. but I started to realise that 'Husband' is just a title - if you look at the contents of what's inside then do you actually want this person (the one who he is now - not the one from before) to be your Husband..?. or is somebody lovely who will undoubtably come along in the future more suitable for the title of 'Husband. It's just a title and there are many good and many bad ones out there. I know it sounds obvious but an empty space where he used to be is far less stressful and more healthy than a bad one taking up all of your energy, stressing you out and lying to you.(I have told myself this many times and it sank in eventually!). Hang on in there and really all you can do it sit through the very painful feelings, keep going for your family (my DCs like many where the main things that kept me going) and try and keep yourself surrounded by people who love you and can support you. This thread although I came on to it late is amazing as I am sure you are already finding.

Tea I had similar issues at DD's nursery when she started in September - there are one or two people there who don't seem to communicate very well with parents and make a big issue out of things. I have felt like I was being 'told off' on 2 or 3 occasions for various things - one involving wet clothes after an accident and for not bringing a waterproof jacket (they can choose to go outside or not if it rains so not sure why I was 'told off')
There also seem to be lots of rules that I was not aware of and they assume everyone should know (though not sure how) ?!

LC - Huge congratulations - how exciting

Romney - you must be so proud - If I look to the future that's exactly the kind of thing that will make me feel like I have done an amazing job against the odds which you have obviously done

Romney that is such good news especially in these dark economic times you must be proud

Great post Clouded and I agree an empty space is preferable to a toxic cloud

That's exactly it CloudedView. Ah well the "chat" went ok actually and hopefully we're all clearer for the moment on what's what.

DS seems to be doing well in a bed, two nights in a row now. Taken the cot down and their room is much more spacious now. Hopefully he'll continue to settle well, I didn't try DD in a bed until at least a couple of months older than DS.

Great wise words on here today, especially for Fairy and others. Must get back to the DCs who are eating sausages, mash and sweetcorn with gravy. Feel guilty as it's verging on an instant meal, although it is homemade mash iyswim, not smash.