Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

[KateonMN]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

well big ones have left for their GP just waiting for the mil to come for the little ones,am a bit nervous as its first time i have seen her since the split.She has been very sympathetic but at the end of the day he is her son and thats where her loyalty lies,she still believes that he did nothing with OW till he left and thinks that in time me and H will be friends and get on

Yes MIL can be very loyal to their son's, must be hard to believe their little darlings could be so horrid and dishonest

It's great she's taking the 2 DCs though, just be friendly but neutral iyswim and enjoy your time off x

Fairy, she's choosing to believe that because the alternative is too shameful.

Tea, I feel so sorry for ds having such a rubbish father. The good thing about all this is that there is less chance of him turning out like his dad if he is no longer in daily contact.

Very true x

Tea- i was very neutral,she told me when she first split she wouldnt take sides was still there for me etc which i thought was lovely so will be respectfull enough not to put her in a position that she feels she has to defend her son.I need all the help i can get with the children.
Just got back after coffee at a friends and have come away feeling very positive and that my life could be a lot worse after hearing about the crap some of my friends have been going through.
H is coming round to see dc children tomorrow which i am feeling a bit emotional about as it will be the first time he has been in the house since he left.

I found having H in the flat in the early days hard. Glad you're feeling positive after the coffee, it's nice to feel good. Ups and downs as Elsie says

Hi everyone, thanks for asking Tea.

I have had a crap week, and have been very tearful and sad. I hate the fact that my life looks like this.

Found a receipt for erotic fiction in ds's swimming bag this morning (clearly Christmas present for OW), which really did not help. He did say when he left that he had kept sleeping with me "because it was expected", so it has kind of brought all of that insecurity back to the surface.

ah firepile thats not a nice thing to find,but the funny side could be that she needs the fiction to get in the mood as he is not all that great ????
sorry i am not much support,my head is mush.
Thought i would feel relaxed with the kids gone but i have just felt in a panic,have tried to keep busy overcoming my hatred for housework

Keep posting 2
nite fairy if u get wobbily.
Watch lots of rubbish telly and play some tunes.I'm getting broadband soon and will post some tunes ,miss my music.not many tunes on this thread .great therapy when u get into it.

Firepile ,feel ur anger/sadness emotions then let them go and keep moving forwards,so important to break away from their negative vibes and not carry this with u into ur new life.

well my babies are back,it was a relief i know they were in good hands and i really dont understand why i felt so panicky,as mil has had them many times before.
We chatted when she came back and was very understanding,she said she was going to try and get H to be more responsible for the dc but to be honest with him not living here,his akward shifts seeing his other ds and our ds being at school i really dont get when he will see my dc.
Really not looking forward to seeing him tomorrow

Fairy pleased your little ones are back, next time you will be able to relax more. It must have been nice to have a chat with MIL and hopefully she will be able to have a bit of influence over her son to get him to step up to the mark.

thanks romeny it was good to talk to her ,she left the family home when H was about 12,and i think she felt a bit responsible about aspects of H behaviour we talked about .I wont hesitate about about asking her to have dc in future but will make myself busy next time,not used to all this time to myself

Can I join in?

I caught myself crying while scrubbing the windows earlier today and finally read this thread end to end while I had a calm-down brew. I don't know if I feel better or worse for having read what everyone is going through. It's all so horribly sad. I'm so sorry.

Today's been my first day with DD at home and P gone. He works so long hours, she hasn't really noticed his absence until today. I had to talk to her about it and it was awful. He's the one leaving, why do I have to be the one to tell her? We've made cakes and been shopping. She played in the garden while I attacked the Christmas tree with a hacksaw. It's been abandoned and rotting since the New Year. P was supposed to take it for recycling.

And I've cleaned. Cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. The whole house is immaculate. It's been therapeutic. Somewhere in all the cleaning, I realised I was always fighting a losing battle with P. He's anally tidy. His chief complaint prior to going was about the state of the house. As I cleaned today, DD was following behind me, leaving her own individual trail of destruction. She decided to turn the bathroom into a skate rink by squeezing a bottle of shampoo into the bath and sliding around on it. Of course, when she got out, there were thick soapy feet marks on the floor, thick soapy handprints on every conceivable surface.

It's been a day of panic and nausea and fury. I'm furious with him.

Hope you're okay tonight, fairy.

hi adriane-H used to complain about the house all the time,i used to say i like tidying but with 4 dc it never stays tidy,mil dropped kids back today and said after 5 mins look at the state of this house it was lovely and tidy till you got here then she said she was off home to tidy up the path of destruction they had left,made me chuckle.
have you got your own thread? not that it matters ,just didnt want to ask you too many questions if you had already explained it somewhere.
Not very good at advice as i am still at the raw/messed up stage but there are some very wise ladies on here ,who have helped me through,i have many rl friends but on here people understand your crazy thoughts because they have been there.

umm lovely tidy house i have now,think i will have to get the MIL to have them every saturday,although i had fell out of love with housework as the dc would trash in minutes its very theraputic !Glass of wine much needed now

My thread's here

I don't think I've actually officially 'dumped' yet. He's still thinking about what. he. wants. He left as a gesture with a single pair of underpants and I told him he might want to take more.

He's acting as if nothing is happening and it's driving me insane. My life is falling apart and DD is beside herself, but he's Mr Normality. I've had months and months of what are now termed as Ketchup Conversations. If I say to him, 'please pass the ketchup', he says 'of course, here you are. Do you want any mustard?' If I say, as I have tonight, 'please talk to DD, she's confused by what is going on' I get radio silence. Totally ignored.

The man is a f*ckwit. Are we allowed to swear on here? I usually grace less polite forums.

Adriane - swear away if it helps, believe me we've all done our fair share. This is a safe place to share with people who understand. I'll try and read your thread later, but welcome my lovely. I have 2 toddlers so I can sympathise on cleaning.

Firepile - I'm so sorry that's sounds so hard, sending many ((hugs)) your way x

My DD has cried a lot again this evening because of what has happened and her father not talking to her about anything meaningful - she has questions that she wants to ask him and yet is frightened of his reaction -why he did what he did when to all she and everyone else knew we were the perfect family. Also more mundane stuff which is worrying her like the dog and the house.

i have said that he needs to talk to her - not to give the gory details but to reassure her - he has said he will do this but wanted to pick her up this weekend but she doesnt want this therefore we are faced with an after school conversation.

i was wondering about advice about handling this -a friend has suggested writing down her questions - and i was wondering of i should arrange a third party - someone trusted like our friendly vicar - who is a family friend of sorts and regular guy. Does anyone have any experience of this or thoughts as to whether this is useful - i am worried if they dont do something she is going to refuse to see him at all?

This has been her worse day she says _ and this is despite me organising fun things and her best friend to sleep over and i thibk that she is beginning to realise that things will never be the same again and what the change is for our future. It broke my heart today when she said her dearest wish was for us to go out as a family for a day again.

That's a tough one and out of my depth as my 2 are so small still. Hopefully some of the other ladies will be along soon with some helpful advise x

I'm sure elsie will be around soon dorset but I think it depends how much responsibility ur H is taking for the situation.UR daughter needs security and stability right now.is UR H capable of that.I think I see counselling as help when life throws up situations we can't process for ourselves.we have to go through our own heartbreak then cope with the kids.my X persecuted me ie he blamed me for his drinking .he always told the kids he loved them but stayed away a lot.he hated me.none of this made. it easy for me but u keep things calm at home.if ur H is goin to do more harm than good atm ie he probably doesn't know the answer to her questions ,then space is good.make sure UR dd gets plenty of attention and knows she is much loved .she will b angry and want her dad back ,these guys make me sooooo angry.so important that they develop emotionally through this experience and don't repress it.imo if she doesn't want to see H I would respect her pov.I would talk to someone professional about all of this ,a good counsellor will help both of u to come to terms with this roller coaster ride .

ok,i will answer you devestad but my elder 2 have lost their step dad of 7 yrs and my younger 2 are 1 & 4 so this would be based on my experience of dc your age general problems so please feel free to ignore.
Do not involve a 3rd party unless it is her choice,who you see as trusted/impartial probably wont be the same as her,my dc would be mortified at the vicar being involved (we are church goers)She may be saying she wants to know about x y z etc because she has picked up these are the answers you are looking for.I may be totally out of line but her needs are much simpler she wants to know dad loves her,is always there for her etc despite his feelings for you.I always tell my kids daddy has stopped loving mummy but he still loves you,as hard as it is and as much as we hate them,we need to protect our dc ,these men may be uncapabale of grown up relationships but untill they seriously fuck up we have to support/facilitate their relationship with dc or we will be looked on as the bad guys,i hope that makes sense.You have to remember your dc may be saying what she thinks you need to hear because she knows your hurting.Give her a book she can write down all questions for her dad ,say you wont look at it and he can wr5te the answers 5n s6 she can d5gest/accept them in her own time.

umm caps lock slpipped on then should say "write the answers and she can digest"
my Xp stayed in contact with elder 2 dc for @2years and then not heard from him in 5+yrs so they soon show their colours,oh no sorry he stopped seeing kids cause i asked for csa

Also ur dd is grieving the loss of the family she thought she had.the security is replaced with insecurity.its good that she is crying imo ,much worse if she was holding it all inside.this too shall pass ,but trust ur gut re ur X and meet up.

Devastated - sorry I cant really help you on this as although my children were at an age where they could understand what was happening, I think I was so wrapped up in my own devastation that I didnt notice their grief, my mum and sister probably were the ones who helped them. I agree its a good idea for her to write down anything she wants to ask so she doesnt forget when given the chance.

Fairy how is your day going, you are sounding a bit better today.

Welcome Adriane, Ive read your thread and I am so sorry you are going through such a shit time. You have some very good advice on your thread. Dont let him make all the decisions about what he wants, I waited 2 months for my DH to decide, he was 65% sure he would come back but then did a total u turn and left for the OW. Take some control and you make the decision. Those two months were bad but I could have used those two months in my recovery.